14 Year Old Stealing & Sending Sexually Charged Texts

LesleyB

Hi,

I have a 14 year old daughter who last week was caught out stealing from the local shop, not by the shop itself but a male in her social circle told his Mother that she has been shoplifting for a group of boys in the area.

As a result her phone, ipod & laptop have been confiscated giving me a chance to go through all devices. I found second facebook account in which I was blocked and therefore couldn't see any activity from. Also upon going through her phone I was horrified to find 'Sexting' in which she has been degrading herself by detailing how intimate she would get with certain boys - all for their 'happy ending'. I'm mortified even typing this.

Also found on her ipod was a 'Tagged' account, if any of ye aren't familiar with this it's a social networking site which came after bebo but has digressed into being a site for hook up's of varying degrees.

Her group of 'friends' in our area consist mainly of boys, not that I have a problem with this, I understand women/girls can be difficult to be friendly with, but my problem is that she is the only girl in a group of about 8-15 boys. When I ask her about different girls in the area she says 'That they are all mouths' and would rather not be friendly with them.

I know I have taken my eye off the ball where internet access is concerned & I blame myself for not spotting earlier these extra facebook and tagged sites. And even though she was only allowed out for 2 hours (from 6.30pm to 8.30pm) on a school night and a little later at the weekend, she has still mananged to defy me where rules are concerned. I.E. She left the estate without informing me on numerous occasions & I only found out through customers of my Ex-Husband's who were concerned enough to tell him.

Anyway long winded as this is, my main concern is how to keep her away from this large group of boys in the area. She's grounded naturally and we have discussed the whole sex talk issue and she assures me that she is not sexually active, I personally don't believe her, I would not have told my Mother the truth if she had asked me as a teenage. All the evidence in her phone and fb suggests that she is sexually active, she might still be a virgin but she was making moves to loose this soon.

I can't keep her in forever, and the school year is up in 3 months which leaves the whole summer for her to wander around the area. The area might I add is very rural part of Kildare with a small village of about maybe 2000 people.

How do I let her out without her falling back into the same habits, company and attitude. Yes she know's what she did is wrong, or so she tells me but I can't help thinking that she's just telling me what I want to hear.

So yes as I said I know I have taken my eye off the ball but I'd love some opinions on how to fix this.

Thanks

cynder

Take her to the gp, he/she may be able to talk to her regarding sexual health, pill, condoms ect.

Besides keeping her indoors or under your eye there is not much you can do except to educate her. It may sound drastic but i knew a woman who sent her son to live with her sister for the summer, Do you have anyone you could ship her off to for a week or more?


Change of friend may help but thats a hard one, chances are she wont want to change her friends and will meet up with them without you knowing.

Did you ever speak to the boy in question or has your ex spoken to the boy, put the fear of god in him about her being underage and that by law its HIM that would be prosecuted. Also you could approach his parents and also mention this, that should put a stop to any sexual antics for a while.

It also maybe a bit harsh but you can bring her down to the guarda station for them to have a word to her about stealing.

Sounds like she has fell in with a bad crowd...

LesleyB

Hi,

Yeah my plan is to go chat with my GP personally myself this week and then bring her to him for a full workup and chat. We have quite an open relationship regarding talking about sex (Myself and my daughter) but I'm obviously not getting through to her & perhaps my GP will be more successful.

With regards to the boy in question, we have not approached him yet one reason being that it was a number of boys she had been texting and another reason being is that I myself have not disclosed in full explicit detail of the texts to her Dad. I don't want him to look at her differently afterwards and mostly I don't want a situation where he approaches any of these boys and possibly harm them. Thats opening a whole can of different worms. Although I am aware that he is her Dad and should know, I'm reluctant to divulge all the details.

I could send her away for a while certainly but I didn't want her to think that I had given up on her and just wanted rid of her for a while. That probably sounds really petty.

up for anything

I'd send her away. You sound like you have a good relationship apart from the recent revelations. It doesn't need to done as a punishment, rather as a treat. Is her father in a position to take her for the summer to separate her from the crowd where you live now. The real punishment would be no laptop, iPod and phone for the summer - apart from a bog standard €10 model or perhaps a Firefly. Or perhaps there is another relative in a position to take her. Someone with young kids who could do with a bit of help and is able to supervise her activities.

A summer spent with you hounding her and questioning her could send your relationship with her rapidly downhill.

Don't feel mortified. You are not the first parent to find out that their child is not all that you thought they were. It's very difficult these days to monitor all their activities and devices. In some ways I would be more worried about the stealing than the 'sex' activity. You need to knock that on the head. The boys are using her in more ways than one and have absolutely no respect for her. Perhaps a teenage relative or friend of your family might be able to get that across to her better than you.

Alan 1990

I was 15 or maybe 16 and was in a relationship and one day my mother came across my phone and I didn't realise, she went through my phone and discovered 'sexting' to and from my then gf. I still haven't forgiven her for it and that was a long time ago caused a lot of problems. I know she done it out of getting back at me because I wasn't supposed to have my phone in school and I did so it wasn't out of being concerned for me if it was maybe it wouldn't be so bad, so I can understand why you done it.

Your girl is still young but you can't forbid her to be around boys her age that will only put a lot of strain on your relationship with her and shell become rebellious and deceitful towards you. Best you can do is educate her. I know this is difficult thing for you to do I'm dreading the day that I have to worry about this with my daughter.
Hope this helps.

Hannah2011

I can't believe the advise being given here - ship her off, confiscate everything?? seriously!!
You need to bite the bullet and talk to your daughter about all this, about how she feels about it, why she 'sexts' etc. She's 14 and like it or not, growing up fast. You need to prepare her for the future and encourage her to live life the way she will be proud of it.
Maybe the two of ye could head away for a weekend, and just re-connect and have alot of time to chat about stuff. That way your daughter will have time to open up and not feel under pressure. It's a very precarious time for a teen and removing all technology is not the answer.
You need your daughter to really understand the repercussions of stealing - that would be the most serious one. 'Sexting' that's not as bad, it looks worse written down and believe me she would probably never say that to a guy in person and will grow out of it.

Encourage her to have self-respect, you sound like ye have a great relationship so don't blow it by coming down too hard or the wrong way.

RingTheAlarm!

I don't agree with her being "shipped off for a while" personally to be honest, but at the same time if it means that she'll come into contact with some sort of female role model which seems to be lacking then maybe it might be a good thing. Once there's an ambitious woman for her to relate and aspire to, her attitude might change.

I think a big issue here is that she hangs around with all guys, who clearly are not the most desirable group for her to mix with. Laptop, iphone, etc need to be ditched to be honest-no need for her to have all of this stuff at 14. I didn't have a laptop until I seriously needed it in college and I still don't own an iphone.

Get her helping you out around the house a bit, but not as a punishment, more like bonding time. Also find out what interests she has, and encourage her to get involved in more extra-curricular stuff. "Sexting" and the likes comes out of boredom. Take away her resources that are creating this boredom, and hopefully this will put her on the right track. Also check out her schoolwork, etc. If she isn't doing so well, give her a hand, find out what she wants to be and help her reach that goal. It'll all help with her self-esteem. There's only a few weeks left in the school year, give it a go for the end and see how she gets on.