When there's a pychiatric issue

LegacyUser

Hi,

I posted here a while ago about cutting off family that were abusive and hard to deal with.

The response was to move on, which I am trying to do, but not very successfully.

While I always knew my sister was pychiatrically unwell, it really escalated and now she is being looked after in her home by my mother, as she has kids. She went to hospital route, but that's a long story and doesn't really matter now.

I'm finally accepting my family are very dysfunctional and most likely beyond any form of civil communication.

And yet, today I find myself wanting to just forget the past, forgive any misgivings, including my own and see if we can make up. Even though, I know, that I will have to turn a blind eye to a lot of things.

Am I selfish for wanting minimal contact with family, cards and a visit at birthdays for the nephews and my mother more so, I don't mean them coming to me for any life celebrations I have.

There doesn't seem to be a middle ground of contact, it's either nothing or too full on, being expected to drop everything when there's a crisis and come running, this would be fine, but when the crisis is once ot twice a week, you get overwhelmed.

When I made myself less available, as my own health was deteriorating, I was verbally abused and cut off.

Is this part of the process of leaving go of dysfunction, should I just grow up and say, family is family, help them.....but at what cost, Am I just being selfish and abandoning a person at the worst time of their life as I have been told.

Sorry for the long post, I am just a little lost today.

Any help and advice appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hello again,

I replied to your previous posts. I will repeat a little what I have to say as it may take more time to absorb.

What you are going through is not very easy and I really commend you to seek help about this. You sound like a compassionate and caring person and the primary reasons why you sound frustrated and undecided about this. Please, take this advice at heart and go out and get help for you. Without help you will not be able to help your sister and your relationship with your family will continue to suffer.

Please contact and speak with someone at http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/ They will be able to refer you to someone locally for available resources and help.

Speak with someone that is able to understand your situation entirely and be adept to help you decide what is the best course of action to handle your situation. You need some help and guidance along the way so you do not get overwhelmed. Boards is great for venting but you need professional advice. Each mental health illness requires different care, attention, interventions, and established boundaries. Speak with someone and please, please, please, please go to counselling! You need to learn how to assert yourself and develop the healthy boundaries that will not enable your family's behaviour. Establishing boundaries can be daunting and seem selfish but it is the opposite, it's a selfless act. Your sister's behaviour is not only a psychiatric issue it is also a product of what she was able to get away with others including you.

On another note, you cannot just come and go as you please or when it best suits you. You have to make the decision whether to remain in contact or cut contact. Mental illness is involved and this is black and white territory not grey. By going grey you are sending mixed signals to your sister. Hence her erratic reactions towards you. You either have to be there for her or not; not be there when it's just convenient. This is why boundaries and assertiveness are a must. They will help you cope and handle your sister's moods with less drama and stress as well as prevent deteriorating your own health.

Please take care of yourself dear xx

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply, it has meant a lot as I know it's not an easy post to comment on.

I have sought counselling for my own issues which led to the reality off the dysfunction I have grown up with.

It's the guilt of putting myself first that I have to figure out. While I want to help my sister out, I know now that it is at too high a cost to my mental health and it's not fair on her if I'm only there when I feel up to it. I have my own problems, I have dealt with some of hers badly, for which I apologised, but other than that, I know I have to let go.

I did what I thought was best at the time, it was all VERY complicated and a life lesson for me. I was dragged into it by my other family members who I sought approval from, but at the cost of destroying the already volatile relationship I had with my sister. That is where I feel I have let both her and my self down. I feel guilty as at my age I should have known better.



I just really feel like I fukd up, even though I know I'm not entirely to blame, she has hurt me more than I can ever say and I enabled some of her demise, as did my other family members. It is the second person I have lost to this fate, it's like grieving for a person that's still alive.

Thanks again.