Boyfriend said he'd be less interested if I gain weight?

Leelaveela

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months or so now and am happy in the relationship. I lost about 1.5 or 2 stone before we got together, so I know what it was like to be overweight and now I'm just a comfortable healthy weight.
He recently said, in a silly conversation about weight and food, that he doesn't want a fat girlfriend and if I gained weight he'd maybe be less inclined to make the effort with me, something like that. I got very touchy about it, mentioning that I had lost weight before and fluctuate a bit naturally, and he said he was just being honest.
I'm starting the contraceptive pill and I'm really worried that I'll gain weight (or that maybe I just naturally will gain weight, it's happened before) and he'll see me differently. If I have a one or two pound fluctuation now, I get genuinely worried about how he sees me. I feel fat, when I've been really, really happy with my body since I lost the weight. What should I do or say to him?

Andy!!

You should say 'It's over.'

Get out now before it hurts too much to end it. F* that 'just being honest' BS, leave him and find someone that wants to be with you for you; your heart and your mind, not your waistline.

The Princess Bride

I don't see the problem ,to be honest.
The woman he is going out with is the woman who lost 2 stone and is now a healthy weight. That is one of the things that made you attractive,no?Being slim rather than overweight?

There is a significant difference between a weight fluctuation of 2 lbs and 2 stone-a 2 stone weight gain does not happen overnight,as you probably only know too well,if you spent a lot of effort and time losing it!!
No-one would see a weight gain of 2lbs,believe me, but more...?

Re: the potential weight gain and the pill-there are other methods of contraception with zero side effects.

Your boyfriend is just being honest- there's a lot to be said for that.

I am a friend

Leelaveela wrote: »

I If I have a one or two pound fluctuation now, I get genuinely worried about how he sees me. I feel fat, when I've been really, really happy with my body since I lost the weight.

this is more about you than what he said to you... Its ridiculous to think someone would notice a 1lb increase in another person so you cant in reality eb worried about that... Its down to your issues around feeling fat when you start gaining weight

Neyite

You said it was a silly conversation - so he was talking very "in general" I think unless you knew he was very serious and was taking specifically about a pound or two then you are over-reacting.

My partner messes all the time that he is happy that he has a thin girlfriend and that he would dump me if I got fat, but thats all it is - messing. When we started going out I was 8.5 stone, then went back on the cigarettes and went down to 7.5 stone. Quit them a year or so later and I got up to just over 8 stone. Now I'm pregnant and just over 9.5 stone. I guarantee that he has not noticed the difference (apart from the bump of course).

Now if your guy is the type to notice a small fluctuation then I'd say get rid - no-one needs someone in their life that scrutinises to that extent.

With regards to the pill, talk about it with your doctor. The reason some people gain weight after starting the pill is NOT because it makes you magically gain weight - it's because it has the potential to increase your appetite. So your weight is totally controllable as long as you keep watching what you're eating.

With regards to the real issue - ie. your boyfriend making you feel self-conscious, it could be one of two reasons. Either he was just joking and you took it badly because it's a sensitive issue for you, or, he was being insensitive. Either way you need to sit down with him and explain this. Explain fully how important your body image is and how you've worked hard to be healthy and feel this good about yourself, and that he needs to support you in this instead of making you feel like you've no alternative. He should support you staying healthy, but should not make you feel like if you gain weight he'll see you differently. Talk it out.

snafuk35

You have nothing to worry about if you eat healthy and in sensible portions, cut out fast food and sugary snacks, go swimming, running, cycling, do sit ups and press ups etc.

gud4u

If person in a relationship expects their partner to maintain weight for health and attractiveness, I don't really see it as a problem as long as the person who is asking also maintains their weight and attractiveness.

I often tell my husband if his guts too big, as I don't want to be widowed early, the same applies to me, I keep my weight down, but have to work on it.

These need to be the primary reasons though, if your partner is looking for a trophy partner, then you need to know what you're happy with.

Just for the record..a 2lb increase is not noticeable.

Some pills help with fluid retention so you actually lose a couple of pounds in the first month, just fluid though;)

LegacyUser

I've never understood why women are shocked by this. No man wants a fat girlfriend, its not attractive for men - at all. Its similar to most girls not wanting a man who is completely sleazy because for women that is unattractive.

Zombrex

Leelaveela wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months or so now and am happy in the relationship. I lost about 1.5 or 2 stone before we got together, so I know what it was like to be overweight and now I'm just a comfortable healthy weight.
He recently said, in a silly conversation about weight and food, that he doesn't want a fat girlfriend and if I gained weight he'd maybe be less inclined to make the effort with me, something like that. I got very touchy about it, mentioning that I had lost weight before and fluctuate a bit naturally, and he said he was just being honest.
I'm starting the contraceptive pill and I'm really worried that I'll gain weight (or that maybe I just naturally will gain weight, it's happened before) and he'll see me differently. If I have a one or two pound fluctuation now, I get genuinely worried about how he sees me. I feel fat, when I've been really, really happy with my body since I lost the weight. What should I do or say to him?

Well the first thing to point out is that your boyfriend hasn't called you fat or said he thinks you are over weight. Given that he said he wouldn't go out with someone who he though was unattractively over weight it is safe to assume he thinks you are an attractive weight.

The second thing is that while it sounds like he was a bit blunt about it, your boyfriend is being honest. Being over weight is unattractive to a lot of people. And the idea that if you start going out with a healthy person who then becomes over weight this idea some how doesn't apply is naive.

The third, and possibly most important point, is that you should try and maintain a healthy weight for yourself, for your own health, independent to what anyone else thinks. Being over weight is not good for you, it increases the risk of a whole host of later life issues. You should be proud of yourself for losing the weight, and you should be determined to maintain a healthy weight and life style simply for the sake of doing that.

If it keeps your boyfriend happy that is just a bonus.

Lon Dubh

Hi OP, I would be a bit worried if someone said that to me that what they were really telling me that their love was very conditional (I realise you might not be at the declaring love stage yet but you probably know what I mean). I think it would sound a bit like finding fault as well, or making little controlling comments, though this would depend on what they were like otherwise.

Personally I think a lot of people are too obssessed with weight. Admitedly I might not like to be with an obese person, but there is a difference in being slightly overweight to obese. Again it depends on what he said and what he meant. I think a lot of people as well have unrealistic ideas of healthy weight influenced by images of very underweight celebreties, who are actually dangerously underweight.

Personally I think it would piss me off a bit and it would put me off someone, but it is hard to judge out of context.

Re some comments other people made to the OP:

Re: the potential weight gain and the pill-there are other methods of contraception with zero side effects

They are often not nearly as effective as the pill. Condoms have a shocking real-life-use failure rate. Possibly using condoms as well as something like a Cap might be fairly ok? Mind you the Cap and such things look like they could be hard to use properly.

With regards to the pill, talk about it with your doctor. The reason some people gain weight after starting the pill is NOT because it makes you magically gain weight - it's because it has the potential to increase your appetite. So your weight is totally controllable as long as you keep watching what you're eating

I was on a pill where my appetite went down a lot, I was eating a lot less (I wasn't eating that much to start with, as I had been losing weight before going on the pill) and I actually put up weight, in spite of eating a lot less. I knew someone else as well who ate very little but put up weight dramatically on a pill (she switched to another one).

And to be honest even when it is a case of increased appetite, it is difficult if someone has to go around being hungry the whole time. Normally it is considered healthy to go by ones appetite (e.g. as opposed to emotional eating) but if the appetite is unreliable there is an extra difficuly in juding how much to eat, and a need to basically watch the weight a lot on the scales, which could get draining.

However sometimes people can switch pills and find ones that suit. OP, as someone else said, if you go on the pill a few pounds of water retention at the beginning is quite common, but it might not get any worse than that.

To get back to your original post, if you now feel insecure with this guy he may not be the guy for you.

beks101

Hi OP,

I think if you had never been overweight and had weight to lose in the first place, this kind of comment from your boyfriend would have gone right over your head. Obviously a fit and healthy figure is more attractive to most men than someone with a few extra stone, so what he said was just a common thread among men, albeit phrased slightly insensitively.

However, I know where you're coming from and can totally empathise. When you lose a significant amount of weight, it can be difficult to adjust, mentally and emotionally, to your new slim self and to stop thinking of yourself as being overweight. And that fear of gaining it all back can be quite pervasive, for years, sometimes forever. I've been there, I've gone from pretty curvy to quite petite and when the attention from men increased, I'd sometimes think 'they wouldn't look sideways if I hadn't lost the weight.'

However, these things aren't one-sided, and my way of turning around my thinking was always, 'well, would I look sideways at them if they were carrying a few extra stone?' Probably not, I'm attracted to fit, athletic guys, it works both ways.

The other thing to remember is that you don't owe it to your boyfriend to stay slim and healthy, you owe it to yourself. By shedding that weight - and fair play to you, it's far from easy! - you are now healthier, more likely to live longer, and probably more full of confidence and energy than you've ever been - that's far more important than staying attractive for your boyfriend.

Two stone weight gain doesn't happen overnight, and as long as you carefully monitor your food intake and get lots of hard exercise, you're not going to get any bigger, so stop worrying. If you're that worried about the pill, do some online research and discuss the best option with your GP.

unreggd

OP, have you spoken to him since?

As you said, it was a silly conversation; is there a chance it may have been something not too be taken too seriously?

OkayWhatever

I've put on about a stone and a half since I started dating my boyfriend a year and a half ago. We're still together and he still loves me for exactly who I am.

If your boyfriend is saying things like this it's totally unfair on you. You should feel happy and not paranoid in a relationship.

If you feel happy, then don't let him pull you down. You've done so well to lose that weight, don't let him make you feel bad. You don't deserve to feel like that. You deserve to be happy, with or without him. And if he makes you feel crap about your weight then I reckon you should go and find somebody who thinks the sun shines out of your bum no matter what your weight.

LegacyUser

OkayWhatever wrote: »

I've put on about a stone and a half since I started dating my boyfriend a year and a half ago. We're still together and he still loves me for exactly who I am.

If your boyfriend is saying things like this it's totally unfair on you. You should feel happy and not paranoid in a relationship.

Putting on a stone and a half is completely unfair on your boyfriend. I'm sure if you asked him whether he would like if you lost it he would say yes.

And if he makes you feel crap about your weight then I reckon you should go and find somebody who thinks the sun shines out of your bum no matter what your weight.

No offence but this type of attitude is typical of Irish women. Most want a 'yes' man who will tell them whatever they want to hear. I'm sorry but sometimes a bit of honesty is a good thing, especially when its to do with health.

fungun

Lon Dubh wrote: »

Hi OP, I would be a bit worried if someone said that to me that what they were really telling me that their love was very conditional (I realise you might not be at the declaring love stage yet but you probably know what I mean). I think it would sound a bit like finding fault as well, or making little controlling comments, though this would depend on what they were like otherwise.

He didnt say his love was conditional. He said he would be less interested, less likely to make an effort himself.

While I understand what the OP is saying, I think she needs to look inside herself to find her solution to this. Its hard to understand how on one side someone could lose 2 stone (in an effort to be more attractive?) & be happy with that...and then give out if someone says if they put it back on they would be less attractive. If you are together years and have a solid 'love' foundation then maybe...but not after 9 months. At the start of any relationship the physical attraction is a big thing.