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Friends with benefits to relationship

  • 11-03-2012 1:03am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    i have a buddy/friend with benefits that i sleep almost every night we head out in this college town ant this has been going on since about November.

    i do like her and im afraid that when the holidays come ill miss her a lot so i think the best idea would be to try and kick off a relationship. the problem is in all the texting we do its never about "us" and if i try to steer a convo that way (text or talk) it get really awkward really quickly.

    so how do i go about it? what do i say to her about how i feel and when and where, without both of us wanting to sink into the ground after it..

    i dont know how id be able to run a relationship either. When i see my friends and their boy/girlfriends doing all these things like meeting up, going to visit each other, doing thing together.. i find it very hard to picture myself in that situation.

    at the minute i am in contact with her almost every day and physical contact only when we meet up in the club. and maybe this is all she is happy with. but i dont know how to have "the talk" to make anything out of it before its too late.

    any advice to a noob here?


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,787 ✭✭✭edellc


    i have a buddy/friend with benefits that i sleep almost every night we head out in this college town ant this has been going on since about November.

    i do like her and im afraid that when the holidays come ill miss her a lot so i think the best idea would be to try and kick off a relationship. the problem is in all the texting we do its never about "us" and if i try to steer a convo that way (text or talk) it get really awkward really quickly.

    so how do i go about it? what do i say to her about how i feel and when and where, without both of us wanting to sink into the ground after it..

    i dont know how id be able to run a relationship either. When i see my friends and their boy/girlfriends doing all these things like meeting up, going to visit each other, doing thing together.. i find it very hard to picture myself in that situation.

    at the minute i am in contact with her almost every day and physical contact only when we meet up in the club. and maybe this is all she is happy with. but i dont know how to have "the talk" to make anything out of it before its too late.

    any advice to a noob here?

    If I was in your shoes I'd bite the bullet and ring her or text her and ask to meet up and I would lay my cards on the table. Actually you dont even have to meet up with her I take it when you hook up that you go to your place or her's so I am presuming that one of you stays the night so why not broach it the morning after the night before however if its a shag in a nightclub forget her as it will never be anything more and she probably has many friends with benefits.

    Basically you deserve better than an a shag at the weekend, learning how to communicate and behave in a grown up relationship is vital and its the only way you are going to find your life partner and sole mate do not deny yourself this. But for your sack you need to find out if she is willing to have something official or if not cut her loose and find someone who deserves you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    I agree with above except for the presumption that she has many fwb if she has one. Very judgemental and could completely untrue.

    Op good luck talking to her. I hope it works out for you :) and even if it doesn't, at least you will know where you stand.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,787 ✭✭✭edellc


    Only reason I said she probably has more than one fwb is that I know of many woman these days that have more than one, most of my close girlfriends who are not in a relationship have one and more of them.

    I find that once it just becomes about sex then it is just that, sex, and whether they are just hooking up with some guy in a club for a one night stand or have a regular shag partner it doesnt matter.

    The OP needs to find out if he is the only one and therefore what is the problem with being exclusive but if she is reluctant to commit then it becomes obvious that he is just a f*ck buddy and she probably does have more than just the OP.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    No im fairly sure she hasnt any more, i meet up with her every night we go out practically (during the college week) and one of her friends went mad when she presumed it wasnt me in the bed one night we were interrupted so i guess shes not allowed anyone else

    the only time i can imagine saying anything is the morning after the night before but the trouble is i dont know what to say!!

    what way did anyone of ye ask yer girlfriends out? under what circumstance and what did they say?

    i find the whole "texting stage" to be annoying and hard to work so i think a relationship would be a lot harder ie i dont think id be the "ideal" boyfriend and this would lead to confusion and break up even thought that would be the last thing id want.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,787 ✭✭✭edellc


    No im fairly sure she hasnt any more, i meet up with her every night we go out practically (during the college week) and one of her friends went mad when she presumed it wasnt me in the bed one night we were interrupted so i guess shes not allowed anyone else

    the only time i can imagine saying anything is the morning after the night before but the trouble is i dont know what to say!!

    what way did anyone of ye ask yer girlfriends out? under what circumstance and what did they say?

    i find the whole "texting stage" to be annoying and hard to work so i think a relationship would be a lot harder ie i dont think id be the "ideal" boyfriend and this would lead to confusion and break up even thought that would be the last thing id want.

    Right so she doesnt have any one else fair enough

    The morning after the night before is what suits - check

    Now for what your going to say......

    See from you last paragraph where you say you wouldnt be an ideal boyfriend and that would lead to confusion and breakup....thats confusing lol

    really it is nobody is ideal we all have issues and things that annoy others but if you like/love someone then you overcome these things

    Like I said earlier if you want to have a relationship then spit it out, ask her what this thing is that you have, is it exclusive are you for want of a better phrase "boyfriend and girlfriend" but dont make it serious or heavy

    if you really feel that by doing this that you will wreck whatever it is that you have, well then you have a choice either bit the bullet and ask her what it is but you may ruin whatever it is or keep quiet and it all stays the way it is which as you said is what you want

    only you can choose what you do only you know the pros and cons or talking to her

    all the best with whatever you decide :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 99 ✭✭jellygems


    if u like her go for it before someone else goes for it with her and u lose ur chance


    shes sleeping with u so she likes u in some way thats a positive sign


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    thanks but i know that when the time comes that when i say anything, i will just freeze up and it wont be clear what im trying to say! and so she will freeze up and it will be very awkward! i will literally be stuck for words! - its happened once before! this would be so much easier if she just asked me..

    another thing is there is very little of the college year left now and its going to be a very long 3 months of summer so i dont know if there is a point in asking her out now. whatever about running a relationship when in college together i dont think id be able to when we live far away during the summer. really i should have done it 2 months ago when the iron was hot:(


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,821 ✭✭✭RxQueen


    You seem to be making a lot of excuses why not to ask her.

    If you really wanted her in your life a 3month break in the summer would mean nothing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 82 ✭✭heresjohnnie


    In the morning, just be like 'so... we've been doing this a while now and I was wondering do u want to make it exclusive/official - like a boyfriend/girlfriend thing?'. Keep it casual, but once ya say it its out there and clear! Man up, now is the time to do it! =] Good luck


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 620 ✭✭✭Laika1986


    Apart from sleeping together if there is anything else that ye do together just ask her "do you want to do it as my girlfriend?!". I was in the same position a couple of months ago and was worried what she would say but it was all forgotten within 5 minutes(as she said yes!).


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ok i took the chance anyway and ask and it seemed to go well! the convo was a little strange but she seemed happy enough and so so am i! so thanks for the advice

    nothing really official yet because we are on a weeks holiday now so il try work it out a bit better when we return to college

    i still feel a bit unsettled though because im still in unknown territory and i want to keep the momentum going but stepping up from the meeting to the relationship stage is going to be kinda hard as ive no experience from before, like i dont know would it be "acceptable" for me to go a day or two without having much contact with her solely because of work, study, and waiting for her to call first etc? or for example il suppose il have to make plans to meet during the day when we get back to college, but i cant see myself as the person who visits her in her house every night like some other people do to there girlfriends. Not because i dont want to or cant its just i dont know if thats what im expected to do.

    its hard to explain or maybe im analyzing the whole thing too much but i really dont want this to come to nothing


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