Reaching Breaking Point

LegacyUser

Hi all going unregistered for this,

I just need to vent somewhere. I'm 24 and living in a charade of some sort of normality. I have been through college and have what on the face of it is a reasonable if low paid job and while that all looks great on paper the reality is different.

Inside I feel like everything is all going to blow up some day with difficult consequences. I am just going through the motions and while I can function fine for the majority of the time and try to put on a front of being content, sometimes I just feel like everything is caving in on me. I just want to scream and bang my head against the wall and let out the build up of frustration but I try and grit my teeth and get through.

My job sounds decent in theory but in practice is a bit of a joke and at this stage in my life I see everyone I know either getting a decent job or heading off to Australia or somewhere (in most cases because there is no work) but it looks like they are heading off for a better life.

I am living at home which is great for saving money and so forth but its like living in a goldfish bowl. My family are great and have always been very supportive in whatever I did, but they helped me through college and expect me to be developing a career rather than drifting aimlessly. They encourage me to go out and do different things and so forth but I never do.

I feel like I need to move away but I have the nagging feeling that away from home my problems would just escalate.

People say to me, you're young head off to Australia for a few years but the thought of living so far away completely freaks me out and I just don't think I could take the plunge.

My other major issue is I that I am starting to accept that I am gay (which I know is very late and I'm far from the gay stereotype), I have never been in a relationship of any description but I've known in my heart for years but have struggled to accept it. I haven't come out to anyone, I suspect a couple of people know but I'm still very much in the closet. I haven't been actively seeking out a relationship, every weekend I stay in because going out just seems too much hassle and going out on your own isn't much fun. I see my friends almost all in relationships, working hard and enjoying life to the full and while the grass isn't always greener as they say I just compare other people's lifes to mine and get so depressed.

I have no social life outside my job. I have gone to a few evening courses but it was just a case of go in, get it done and go home. I just can't lift myself to do anything like sign up for a club or anything. I drift through the weekends doing basically nothing and at this stage my life seems to be just drifting towards being completely meaningless. It really worries me as to what sort of state I'll be in 3-5 years down the road.

I just really have no one I can talk to about anything major. I have plenty of acquantances and we can chat for long periods of time about how the match went last night etc. but like that I have always struggled to make friends, mainly due to always wanting to keep a distance for fear they'd find out what I was and that would lead to more problems and the fact that I was mocked in school for being very quiet and not being the most fasion conscious in my looks.

I don't kno what I'm asking but feel I need to just spill my guts at this stage.