Worrying...

LegacyUser

Can I ask for an outside view on my problem please.
I am a worrier by nature, but am trying to work on this situation by situation.

My H is the opposite. He is more relaxed and unconcerned about what he sees as my needless worries. This has gone over many years and 4 children.

Today he took our 6 year old DD to swimming lessons. He didn't intend to stay in the pool and look at her. He was going to get some shopping. I voiced my preference that he stay and keep an eye on her.
( Previously he had recounted, that a mother had to call from the gallery that her son was under water. I am not saying he would have drowned, but they had to be alerted to his situation to fish him out quickly. But I found this worrying... so many children, no matter how good the instructors are, leaves potential for an accident.)

It was his morning to have a sleep in and when he did get up he said he didn't mind which of us brought her.
We had the above conversation.
He won't stay with her, so I said I would bring her.
He said no, he was bringing her and not staying.
(after saying he didn't mind, he wouldn't let me bring her so I could mind her as i wanted.)

I feel so tired of so many useless arguments and hopeless converations.
I feel he ignores my concerns.
He feels I ignore his wishes too.




I have improved on lots of different issues, and am trying to be more open.
But I am naturally cautious.

I try and look at is from his side, I don't want him to feel his wishes are ignored.
BUT I feel he doesent care what i think, he laughs and mocks me for my concerns
and sometimes i feel so ...? .... down trodden.
I know its difficult to be married, meeting half way,,, and this may seem like a small
issue but its only one incident in a long list.... any thoughts?

username123

Eh, are the parents not supposed to stay during the swimming lessons? What if a child became ill or had an accident? Have the swimming instructors agreed to act in loco parentis and do they have insurance to cover this?

I think your husband is a moron to think its ok to leave a 6 year old child like this. Does he not care about his child? There is something wrong with him imo - he sounds horribly selfish.

You need to be more assertive. I quite simply would not allow my child to go off to be left alone in a swimming pool like that - she is SIX! I cant imagine that the instructors would be happy about this if they knew.

If your husband is laughing at you and mocking you then you have serious relationship issues, bigger than his selfishness described by the one incident above and you need to address this to him and not accept being treated like this.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.....

I think that is one of my biggest concerns that I have lost my power to be assertive.

I feel worn down by so many put downs. I do try and talk and he manages to turn things back on me. We went to counselling but it was for a specific issue and really only touched on his approach to me. I am no saint and sometimes feed the argument and make things worse.

BUT I am really trying now to be happy, work on whats important and try and let some stuff slide. Today I feel he ignored my concerns and then wouldn't allow me do the work around. I felt so useless.

My biggest worry is one of our children will get hurt, I will have known it was the wrong thing to do. He will have ignored what I wanted. Will this be much solace to me??? It was his decision, but I allowed it.

How do I get him to listen to me?

Ickle Magoo

You can't make someone listen to you, you can only ask that they do and if they deliberately ignore you and make you feel sad and helpless - make the call if someone who dismisses your concerns and opinions is worth having around.

Would you consider getting counselling on your own? For your own self esteem? And perhaps try to get couple counselling on conflict resolution? You sound utterly worn out and frustrated - maybe it would help to get the issues you have with dealing with conflict sorted before attempting to thrash out compromises to the conflicts.

All the best.

username123

Ickle Magoo has hit the nail completely on the head, counselling on your own - you can only work on yourself, you can only address your own behaviour - you cannot change the behaviour of someone else.

Is it worth being in a relationship where the other person makes you feel this way? He cannot be happy either because I dont see how anyone could be happy with a complete lack of mutual love and respect. The way he is treating you is bullying.

Katy89

op, the main issue I can see here is prob clashing of different characters. you seem to be overly cautious. I don't know your husband, maybe he's the opposite and really too relaxed in the direction of irresponsible behaviour but could there be a slight possibility he's just, sorry if it sounds harsh, fed up with your constant worries?
From my own experience I know it can be very hard to be in a relationship or having a close relative who's a worrier for no reasons. you always have to work against it or otherwise you get sucked into the worry style as well...your husband might be frustrated and feels controlled and acts not 'normal' anymore?

As I said, I don't know him or you but it's always good to talk things through, in a respectful way.
And as the other poster mentioned, I would recommend counselling (maybe partner counselling), as it can build up your self esteem/help to understand each other better and learn to solve conflicts in a mature way.

Lorna123

I would not call wanting your husband to stay supervising your 6 year old at swimming being over cautious. I would call it being a proper parent. There is no way that I would allow a child of 6 to a swimming pool unless I was there too, even if I had to walk to the swimming pool to be there I would. I would not allow this man to dictate to me what I should and shouldn't feel. I would cause a fuss each and every time in a situation like this, until in the end he would feel it better to give in. Insist on what you want OP and I really hope this situation works out for you.

I suppose I could be put in the over anxious category too but I would rather be like that and be sure that my children were safe. I don't like the sound of your husband, going against your wishes and causing you untold anxiety. He doesn't sound like a loving partner.