tired of being the bad guy

LegacyUser

So here it goes.... sorry if its long winded just wanted to get all the facts in


We have an adorable 18th old little boy who is just brilliant but my OH sister is making her presence felt in a major way and tearing our relationship apart. My partners dad has COPD which means he cant really go anywhere without the oxygen, he lives with the sister her hubby and their three kids. My Oh would love for his dad to to have good relationship with our son with I understand but the fact that he lives with the sister hinders this.

You see every time we go down there it ends in disaster, her and the hubby drink at lot and smoke joints at lot (every night) when we go down there they wait until the kids go to bed around 9pm and then they pull out the drink , the joints have been on the go all day they leave them in a cigarette box on the window sill at the back door and go and have a smoke when ever, the neighbours come over the radio gets turned on a its rowdy behaviour until at least 5am school night or not. They have gotten in major trouble with the law over the drugs issue (court fines etc) and I just don't agree with it when you have kids that are dependant on you by all means knock yourself out if its just you but its not just them and last time we where down there they bragged that they only gave up class A drugs 6years ago, their oldest child is now 13 you do the maths. The dad tbh is no better he stopped drinking a decade ago but took up smoking joints which he did with his kids but because he has COPD he now makes cookies and cakes lased with the stuff. He also keeps odd hours (sleeps all day up all night and is deaf in one ear so TV is on highest volume all night) As for their mother well she now lives in Cork city (they live very rural) and she is a complete lush never have I met her in 12years without a drink in her hand, nice enough lady but would not trust her with my son.

So here is my problem last time I was down there I got 4hours sleep in 48hours due to their behaviour and had enough 100euro lighter I got myself back to Dublin leaving their at 9am so didnt say goodbye to anyone but did leave OH a note (tried to wake him) When I got home I had message after message trying to guilt trip me about her kids not getting to say goodbye to their cousin. After explaining why I left to my partner (ie sister can live life as she chooses but when it inflicts on my ability to look after our child then major problem and one I am not going to put up with, also do not agree with the drink and drug fuelled atmosphere especially with my child upstairs not right)

This is now a major situation as a month later it was my sons birthday and they where coming up from Cork and going to stay with us but as I said no drink and drugs allowed at a one year olds birthday party they refused to stay with us and stayed in a hotel also she was quite snotty towards me (kept going on about her nephew as if he was nothing to do with me, his mother, then when I was putting our son to bed she and her kids left so as not to say goodbye to me, yes she is 5years old ) My Oh is very upset with the whole situation as he wants to go see his dad and as I said to him go for it just dont expect us to be going too as their is nowhere to stay but his sisters house. Now I am getting the blame for the whole situation as he feels I should not have left cork the last time we where down there and keeps throwing it back in my face.

He does have another sister who lives down the road from the older one but she has her owe issues eg when I was pregnant she rang me every day to tell me my son was going to be a blue eyed blond haired boy just like all the kids in her family she made me feel like when my son was born he was just going to be handed over to them and I would just disappear OH had a word and I never got another phone call from her, she asked me in a room full of people if she could be his godmother (trying to mortify me into doing it) I held it together and said no as I have two sisters of my own she then got her mother to pester me all night about it but i held strong, then because she wasn't godmother she didn't come to the ceremony saying she had no money to come to Dublin yet went away for a week to Wexford the day after the ceremony. My mother died last year and she didn't even ring to say sorry just sent a text and one night she rang OH phone (private number) i answered and she didn't know where to put herself her excuse for not ringing was she was packing to go on another holiday (whatever) She is a lone parent with a BF who comes down from the city half the week and when we had our son she persuaded the BF to try for a baby with her (he said he didn't want kids) it did take a few months to get him to say yes and as soon as he did she told him she didn't want any more kids....cruel I think...also my son doesn't know her and she keeps taking him out of my sight into other rooms and into neighbours houses which I have told her not to do but she says oh im his auntie im allowed so I really don't want to stay with her

My Oh is very depressed about the situation and his dad thinks Im punishing him which I have explained Im not when I told the dad the drink and drug issue bothered me he was furious but kept it together well and told me that it was his daughters house so I had no right to say I disapproved so told him well if they are not will to cut it out for the couple of days we are down every few months then we just wont be down anymore and how I felt it was very selfish of the sister considering she know how sick her dad is. But I am the bad guy and how dare I say that I do not want myself or my child in such an environment.

My relationship is at breaking point as my partner resents me it doesnt matter how much I explain the situation he just wont agree with me, and as usual his sister can do no wrong she is a shining example of motherhood and the my loving and caring human being to ever live whereas Im just a bitch. I now doubt myself and feel guilty every day about my son not getting to know his granddad and dont know how to fix it without bring him into an inappropriate situation

January

OP, I don't think this is a Parenting issue, so have moved it to Personal Issues

username123

Its a very long post so Ill just address the outstanding issue as I see it.

Stay away from these degenerates, if your OH wishes to mix with them thats his business, but you should not expose your child to this. Theres also the issue of the children in that environment, social services should be involved, its disgusting what you describe.

Im at a loss really to know how you got involved with people like this in the first place, considering you say they claim to have given up hard drugs 6 years ago, and on the current behaviour since, how did you not meet them for the first time through your OH and think 'get the hell away from these people'?

Oh, and if your partner thinks that his sister is a shining example of motherhood and you are somehow in the wrong then you need to reconsider that relationship as well. Personally I couldnt be involved with someone whose family behaved this way and that person condoned the behaviour. Its not his fault how his family behave, but it is his fault if he agrees with it.

The whole thing sounds like a particularly bad episode of Eastenders and in your shoes Id be making a break for sanity. Sorry, it just all sounds despicable to me.

Edited to say - what do you mean you left your OH a note (tried to wake him) - is he a druggie as well that you couldnt wake him up? I mean, I dont understand how you cannot wake another person up, unless they are out of it on drugs or drink.

Calhoun

Being brutally honest if you OH thinks that this kind of behaviour is acceptable and doesn't have either the intelligence or the balls to stand up for his family/kid, then I think there is no harm in the relationship ending.

I think this is just one of these situations where there can be no compromise the health and well being of your child needs to come first and you have rightly made that decision.

As for your child not getting to see his grandfather, apart from him sounding like such a good rolemodel i would not worry about it. Its your partners problem, if he wants you to go down there and you don't want to be around that atmosphere well its up to him to find somewhere else to live.

As for your partners sisters being over dominant in the relationship, you need to stand firm on your principles like you did over the godparents issue. What does your partner say when they ignore instructions you give on your child? No offence but if someone was ignoring my instructions about keeping the child in my sight they would not have the opportunity to ignore again.

As others have posted, I think you should run and protect your kid not only because of how the family react but because your OH is stuck in the "hierarchical" structure of his clan and rather than protect his own family he will sulk like a big kid.

cynder

big hugs.


Your doing the right thing. well done for standing up for for yourself and your child.

Your putting your child's welfare first. Your poor husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place, his loyalty to his family and his loyalty to you. Why not ask his dad to stay with you for a week, insisting that there no drugs allowed. Get your husband to drive down collect him and bring him up,


As for the annoying sister in law. Put her in her place when she needs it.

Ickle Magoo

I think your partner is being completely unreasonable. Getting 4hrs sleep in 48hrs for a family visit is just ridiculous, nobody is worth disrupting your life to that degree to go and see.

If your partners father or his sister want a relationship with you or your child then they need to accept that their behaviour is not conducive to that and at least meet you half way. Claims that it's her house and she can do what she has the right to do what she likes are fine regardless of how it affects others, as long as they also accept you equally have the right to do what you want - such as stay away or make your own home a drug/alcohol free zone - even if it affects others. They can't have their cake and eat it.

As I see it there are two distinct issues here - your partners inability (or unwillingness) to deal with his family directly and that carries over to his unrealistic expectation that you make all the compromises in order that he and his can get their way entirely. I think it's quite sensible that you have an arrangement whereby he deals with his family and you deal with yours. I don't think you should be left trying to justify why this is not a healthy environment to bring your son to, yourself. Your partner and you have to thrash out an agreement and approach the issue as a team, or the constant arguments and being made to feel responsible for his family and the boundaries their behaviour has made you want to have is going to tear you apart.

Do you have any other options? Is there a b&b or hotel close by? Can you fly down for the day and not stay over? Can they meet you somewhere half-way for the day?

Daisy M

There is no way I would allow my children to come into contact with this type of people. I dont care who they are, if they were members of my own family I would choose to have nothing to do with them myself, there is no way I would expose my children to this type of behaviour. Its up to your husband if he wants a relationship or not but its beyond me why he would ever expose your child to this.

The problems you have with the other sis in law are trivial compared to everything else you mentioned.

You know what is right for your son and staying in a drink and drug fulled environment is not right. Could you ask you public health nurse or local gp to speak with your partner and explain the detrimental effects been in such a place could have on your son?

LegacyUser

thanks for the support guys just think I wanted to know Im not going mad and Im not behaving like a bitch towards the inlaws.

I met my OH 12 years ago now and I did meet them at the time and they where just like they are now but on harder drugs which as someone who knows nothing about drugs I just didnt know I knew they smoked joints but as for anything else I had no clue.

His sister never took to me, I can take banter like anyone but she had a big thing about me being from Dublin and I have travelled all over this country of ours and never experienced anything like her, she also was put out because she wanted her brother to marry her best friend as she had a child with her brothers best friend and was due to marry him.

I did question her relationship with my OH when we I met her as she behaved like a scorn lover and not a sister and back then I should have seen the signs but as they say love blinds you. I did however after a couple of years and around 6 visits say enough was enough and stopped going down there and this lasted 6 years during which time my partner didnt visit much either and in the end she rang and apologised for her attitude and hostile behaviour towards me. Hence why I didnt see the major class A drug taking, and when we did go down there they did drink every night (which I'm not used to as I am not a drinker nor where my parents or sisters) but thought that this was how families behaved who drank and with the smoking joints well thats their business and if thats how they conduct their life who was I to judge...I know they had young kids who are still young but how much do you interfere in others lives, all the kids are healthy, well behaved and doing well in school and are very polite its just their parents are idiots.

When the guards got involved last year they would surly have gotten social services involved if they thought they had to although having a large quantity of drugs "resting in your account" would seem to me to be an issue but the guards didnt and no social servies where called, the oldest kid knows what the guardai raid was for and her mam told her that she had stopped smoking but hasn't

They live in a very small village one road with a couple of pubs, shop and chipper you know the ones im talking about so there are no b&bs or hotels near by, I dont drive nor does the OH (living in city centre too long lol) so going down and back in one day isnt an option, nor is staying in the other sisters as although the older ones does drink and do drugs the youngest one scares me, she is truly unhinged, claiming to suffer server depression and afraid to leave the house. I have battled depression for years and there is no way she has it nor is she afraid to leave the house, as she goes to her sisters, the shops drops her kid to school and I really feel that its all just youngest spoilt child who isnt getting attention syndrome as when my son was born and all the attention was on him she declared she was going on anti depressants (which she refused for years) and now suddenly the attention was back on poor her and her illness, so no staying with her would be just too scary

I think because my family are so dysfunctional that I lost what was acceptable and what was not and with having my son and loosing my mam within a few months it made me look at life and what I find acceptable and what I dont and I dont find the sisters, her husbands or my Oh's dads behaviour acceptable.

There are some day my partner sees things from my eyes and then others he just doesnt he knows my first reaction is to protect our son and the fact he is walking around or bumming around on the floor and might pick something up off their floor and put it in his mouth is a major concern of mine, as is the fact my son doesnt sleep through the night still so I get a very broken sleep and take a nap with him in the afternoon which I cant do down there as its just noise noise and more noise to the point you just cant hear yourself think,so I end up running on empty and when your sleep deprived and having to put up with **** off the inlaws and three kids shouting all the time and a father in laws tv at full volumn it just grates on you as does keeping one eye on the younger sister so she doesnt run off with your child all while trying to be polite and keep a smile on your face.

Oh and I couldnt wake my partner that morning cause yes he had been drinking and didnt come to bed until after 5am so he was a culprit too and I was furious with him which he was made well aware of, as the night before he was in bed early and his sister and hubby where at their usual antics and when I asked them to please be quiet they shouted louder and turned the radio up so after two days of this I was just on melt down and then trying to get a baby, buggy, car seat, suitcase, changing bag and carry on bag all into a taxi which cost 30euro to get me to the nearest train station and then get all that stuff on the train for 50euro I was just fit to cry and then her trying to guilt trip me text messages when I eventually got home I just have no desire to speak or see her ever again... I do think she is a selfish woman who really should not have her kids and their father is just as bad along with the granddad.

I do want the OH to go and see his family soon as his dad is quite sick and I would never want him to choose between us and them nor would I ask him too I know that we take our anger out on those closest to us which most of the time is not those that deserve it but I do hope he has a strong word with his sister and the rest of the family (as it doesnt matter what side of his family you look at they all smoke joints - cousins, uncles and they all drink like its going to be outlawed) But in truth I dont see how it can be resolved nor do I see how I will ever feel comfortable going down to them again as I am just the stuck up bitch who doesnt know how to have fun that their mad brother fell for , when in fact he is very well turned out considering

thefeatheredcat

Given your partner's upbringing, if it is common through all family members including extended family members to live like that, it would be hard for him not to some how engage on that level, because it is the perceived norm and because not doing so would leave him to be the outsider and probably would be ostracized by the whole family and be seen that he is "too good" and "above it" for their company and to engage in their behaviour that they see nothing wrong with.

Your first interest is your child. Nothing is more important than your child and your child's safety. Even if they are not doing hard drugs now, but perhaps are, it only takes a moment of forgetfulness and irresponsible behaviour for a disaster to happen.

It sounds like the sister has a chip on her shoulder and doesn't care for you at all and resents you because you represent "normal" and "better" and I would get the impression that the family, as much as they may care for your partner in their own way, would be quite happy to drag him back into a very dysfunctional way of living for their own selfish reasons - even because he got to move away from a continuous drug and alcohol fueled life to something else, and something better - including putting a wedge between you and forcing an ultimatum in your relationship via your child and your child's safety in response to their behaviour and lifestyle choice.

I think yourself and your OH need to take a step back and see the situation for what it is and for both of you to see it from eachother's point of view and work something out. I can understand that he wants to keep his dad happy and doesn't want to fall out with him if it is the case he is gravely ill and would rather just avoid confronting the whole family situation entirely.

The only other real way and the obvious but not really a solution answer is, in the interest of your child's safety, your partner goes to see his father alone. The only other option would be that all 3 of you go, but your partner stays completely sober so he can see things as you saw them because that will really be a totally different reality to him than what he knows, if he is prone to joining in on smoking and drinking. Then he might understand your concern.

LegacyUser

Thank you thefeatheredcat I think you hit the nail on the head there and see the situation as it is. My partner did partake in this behaviour but I was unaware of it until we moved in together and then he had a choice and he chose to give up the drugs. Although I do believe he still partakes in it when he is with them. They also do think that I think I am better which I dont I just choose to live differently than them.

I do think that when this situation is brought up again which i am sure will be within the next week as its a popular topic in my home that I will again explain my point of view and also try and get my partner to see that what this is doing to our relationship.

I feel that over the years I have tried and tried with his family but his sister really doesn't like Dublin people they are rebels through and through and are constantly going on about Cork being the capital blah blah blah and I constantly get attacked for this.....I think now with my son that I dont see how we can ever go into such a hostile environment towards me anyway they have my son up on a pedi-stool just like the way they treat my partner but im the sh*t they stood in lol. I find it really sad because they are biting off their nose to spite their face really as the dad is very sick and having watched my mam die from the same disease it isn't pretty. But maybe in 6 years time she will see what she has done although I feel that it will be too late for the dad but I suppose thats life.

I have a clear conscious as I have tried and tried and I know that in 12 years his mother has never once come to Dublin to visit her son, the youngest sister has never come up here either and I can count on one had the amount of times the other sister and dad have travelled up whereas we would go down there 4 times a year and stay for a week each time (all my holiday time with work) so I Have made the effort. I think my Oh is just going to have to get used to the idea that his son has a phone relationship with his granddad and thats that really.

Thank you for all your input I really did feel like I was totally in the wrong and shouldn't stick so firm to my beliefs

love and hugs x

username123

just want to be a good mammy wrote: »

Thank you for all your input I really did feel like I was totally in the wrong and shouldn't stick so firm to my beliefs

Youre not a bit wrong, in all this madness you are like a shining example of whats right in the world, a normal mother concerned about her child and not agreeing with selfish drug taking behaviour.

And these thing affect children from very early on, I still have memories of being forced to sit on the knee of a particular uncle of mine who was an alcoholic and of feeling so frightened of being near him with the funny alcohol smell and unpredictability (like that he would drop me off his knee), just cringy and my parents were bang out of order forcing the affection, given a choice as a child Id not have gone within 10 feet of him. Children see these things, they are not stupid, and they will question when they are old enough why the adults in their lives exposed them to such behaviour.

Calhoun

You are on the right track I hope this all works out for you. If I were you I wouldn't waste anymore time on them, the more you try the more they will walk all over you.

So don't worry about them thinking you are better than them? So what from the sounds of it you are and they sound like a bunch of scum. Don't feel ashamed of who you are or where you came from with them as that is their problem.

I wish you luck in trying to convince your partner you may not do it completely because from what you say above I dont believe he truly agrees with your point of view on the drugs (going back on them with his family) what you do need to make clear is what your opinion is on these drugs and that when it comes to the welfare and safety of your child you will not bend.