Friend is bi-sexual and is worried about telling me.

MyKeyG

OK long story short. Known him all my life and while we were friends all this time we were never bosom buddies. In the past few months our families have got closer because of a particular circumstance and he's become very pally with my sister and I. Now his brother is gay and he knows I have no problem with what sexual orientation people are.

He told my sister he's bi and asked her what I would think if I knew. My sister told me all this one night when she was drunk. I want him to tell me in his own time but I want him to know I'd be perfectly OK with it. To be honest I'm a little offended he had to ask but I know it's a tough subject and I don't want to judge him for his trepidation. Should I just bite my tongue or come straight out (no pun intended) and ask him, I want him to know he can be at ease with his sexuality around me.

rainbow kirby

Let him come out to you in his own time, but until then it might be worth dropping a few subtle hints in conversation that you would be perfectly comfortable about it.

foggy_lad

Because his brother is gay then it is likely he is just curious about that and the confusion/conflicting emotions and feelings created by that curiosity lead him to consider himself bisexual when he probably is straight.

MyKeyG

foggy_lad wrote: »

Because his brother is gay then it is likely he is just curious about that and the confusion/conflicting emotions and feelings created by that curiosity lead him to consider himself bisexual when he probably is straight.

Well apparently he doesn't hesitate to act on these desires and were both 30 so while we're by no means old men we're getting a bit passed the age of confusion and curiosity so I don't think it's that.

BuffyBot

I wouldn't bet on that. There is absolutely no cut off point for curiosity and/or confusion tbh

Caiseoipe19

foggy_lad wrote: »

Because his brother is gay then it is likely he is just curious about that and the confusion/conflicting emotions and feelings created by that curiosity lead him to consider himself bisexual when he probably is straight.

MyKeyG wrote: »

Well apparently he doesn't hesitate to act on these desires and were both 30 so while we're by no means old men we're getting a bit passed the age of confusion and curiosity so I don't think it's that.

While I agree that there's no cut-off point for being curious etc. I disagree with saying he's probably straight. Id he's gotten to the point of confiding in someone that he's bisexual is a big step and usually people are fairly sure before they come out. The fact that his brother is gay shouldn't be a big enough factor to make you assume that he isn't able to come to his own conclusion about his own sexuality. That's my view on it anyways...

foggy_lad

Cygnus wrote: »

While I agree that there's no cut-off point for being curious etc. I disagree with saying he's probably straight. Id he's gotten to the point of confiding in someone that he's bisexual is a big step and usually people are fairly sure before they come out. The fact that his brother is gay shouldn't be a big enough factor to make you assume that he isn't able to come to his own conclusion about his own sexuality. That's my view on it anyways...

Maybe he was using it to "chat up" your sister? some lads try the I'm bisexual/gay trick in the hope that the woman will try her hardest to straighten them out.

oisindoyle

foggy_lad wrote: »

Because his brother is gay then it is likely he is just curious about that and the confusion/conflicting emotions and feelings created by that curiosity lead him to consider himself bisexual when he probably is straight.

Totally disagree with the above comment.There are so people who are gay and have a gay brother or sister...So assumeing he is straight and is only "curious" because his brother is gay and out isnt very wise to say.
A person who tells another they are gay or bi dont do so for a laugh ,they do it because they want to tell another about themselves and in a way get reassurance from telling .
As many know saying to someone they are "bi" usually is a lesser way to say "i am actually GAY".....Yes i kno there are some genuine bi people ,but for most gay guys they come out as bi first.
In reply to the OP say nothing let him tell you IF HE WANTS to

MyKeyG

foggy_lad wrote: »

Cygnus wrote: »

While I agree that there's no cut-off point for being curious etc. I disagree with saying he's probably straight. Id he's gotten to the point of confiding in someone that he's bisexual is a big step and usually people are fairly sure before they come out. The fact that his brother is gay shouldn't be a big enough factor to make you assume that he isn't able to come to his own conclusion about his own sexuality. That's my view on it anyways...

Maybe he was using it to "chat up" your sister? some lads try the I'm bisexual/gay trick in the hope that the woman will try her hardest to straighten them out.

No this guy doesn't have to resort to trickery to get girls and he certainly wouldn't have to in my sisters case.

Untense

oisindoyle wrote:

As many know saying to someone they are "bi" usually is a lesser way to say "i am actually GAY".....Yes i kno there are some genuine bi people ,but for most gay guys they come out as bi first.

What does that have to do with anything though? What's with this comment, and those suggesting that the guy's "just curious"? The OP is looking for specific advice and I think it's neither helpful, fair nor polite for people to read in to a situation they know nothing about.

MyKeyG wrote: »

Should I just bite my tongue or come straight out (no pun intended) and ask him, I want him to know he can be at ease with his sexuality around me.

I can only speak for myself and say that I find it easier when people just say outright they know I'm gay. But I wouldn't care if friends talk about me when I'm not there. But that's just me.

He could potentially be annoyed that your sister told you if he feels he told her in confidence, but would that be likely to happen if your reaction is positive? I think the 'cat is out of the bag', so you might as well be upfront if your sister is okay with that.

Also, you really have no reason to feel offended that he didn't tell you. People have good reasons for keeping things to themselves, and those reasons say absolutely nothing about anyone else.

Gadgie

Say nothing - he'll tell you when he's ready to.

ByJove

Why would you hassle someone to come out to you? Hang on a moment, Salem Witch Trials...lol seriously. You can never be 'gay-friendly' enough to think that people are obliged to tell you any of that. We are each entitled to our own privacy irrespective of how gay-ok someone is.

p.s. I love your location...took me a moment but yes, tell me about it...

Moyet

Speaking as a gay man , I don't come out to everyone in fact i rarely come out, I don't put much importance on it and i really hate having to go through the whole talk with some people. So your Bi friend might not really be interested in talking about it purely because it can be a very boring topic to talk about. Like i quit smoking a year and a half ago , I told a few people in the beginning , but then i stopped telling people as i got sick of the same conversations about it over and over again.

So my advice to you would be you have two options.

Option 1. Stop thinking about and stop being offended that your mate hasn't told you he's bi. You really shouldn't take it personal, It's pretty likely it's not meant to be personal and he has no intention of offending you. Some things are easier to talk about with girls, other things aren't ! .

Option 2. If this is really bothering you which could effect your friendship with him then maybe you should confront him about what he said to your sister, Don't get all heavy, just let him know that you know and it's OK. He probably knows your sister has a big mouth anyway and he probably expected this to happen(see option 1). Don't make a huge deal about not making a huge deal about it (he probably knows this, as he is your friend). Just listen to him and hear what he has to say. Then change the topic when he has finished talking.

This really is nothing to worry about.

MyKeyG

ByJove wrote: »

Why would you hassle someone to come out to you? Hang on a moment, Salem Witch Trials...lol seriously. You can never be 'gay-friendly' enough to think that people are obliged to tell you any of that. We are each entitled to our own privacy irrespective of how gay-ok someone is.

p.s. I love your location...took me a moment but yes, tell me about it...

Ah now who said anything about hassling anyone or that anyone was obliged to do anything? That's a bit of an unfair take on what I said.

Ultimately because he asked my sister it struck me that he might want me to know but is afraid. I just want to be there for him that's all. And in fairness there's a part of me that feels guilty that I know but he doesn't know I know.

ByJove

OK, I can see you don't mean anything bad about it now. But, that would definitely be my reaction - I'd feel a little bit harassed, that won't be everyone's reaction, but it would be mine.

If you're determined to show your friendly vibe, you could drop in a hint or something. Mention something funny a gay friend said or ask your sister to put in a good word, just that it's all good. You'll know if any of these is appropriate, you'll know the situation better than any of us here! Good luck with it!

coolperson05

MyKeyG wrote: »

Ah now who said anything about hassling anyone or that anyone was obliged to do anything? That's a bit of an unfair take on what I said.

Ultimately because he asked my sister it struck me that he might want me to know but is afraid. I just want to be there for him that's all. And in fairness there's a part of me that feels guilty that I know but he doesn't know I know.

I think you're right - he's hoping you'll find out. I know I've told people with the hope of it getting to the 'right' people back in the day!! lol But don't force him, maybe a gay night out with his brother? Make him feel comfortable about the whole thing rather than confronting him?

floggg

You don't really know what's in his head. He could hope she tells - or he could be dreading that she might. If he wants to tell you he will.

Whenigot around to telling people, I tended to swear people to secrecy at first. When I got o the point I was comfortable enough sharing it, I told them they could tell others. I would have resented them if the betrayed that confidence.

Have you thought about the consequences for your sisters friendship with him? If she betrayed his confidence, even if she thought for the right reasons,he might rightly be angry with your sister.

It's a personal thing - you've no right to force the issue no matter how well intentioned you are.

Ps - if it ever does one up, never mention you felt offended he didn't tell you. He shouldn't feel obliged to share such personal info and it would be unfair to make him feel in any way guilty about it

CdeC

MyKeyG wrote: »

Ah now who said anything about hassling anyone or that anyone was obliged to do anything? That's a bit of an unfair take on what I said.

Ultimately because he asked my sister it struck me that he might want me to know but is afraid. I just want to be there for him that's all. And in fairness there's a part of me that feels guilty that I know but he doesn't know I know.

OP, in my own experience my main worry was that even though I knew my male friends would be cool I thought that how we hung out might be affected.

The craic we had together would change and we would slowly stop being mates.

You know this now!!, I'd just forget about it and wait until he says something and in the meantime if gay people come up say

"I'm totally fine with man on man love" whilst looking at him and nodding slowly.

stephen_n

foggy_lad wrote: »

Because his brother is gay then it is likely he is just curious about that and the confusion/conflicting emotions and feelings created by that curiosity lead him to consider himself bisexual when he probably is straight.

Bi-phobic much???

That's one hell of a statement to make about someone you know nothing about other than his brother is Gay and he feels comfortable calling himself Bi!

OP do you think there is any chance it was a round about way of checking out your sexuality?

MyKeyG

stephen_n wrote: »

Bi-phobic much???

That's one hell of a statement to make about someone you know nothing about other than his brother is Gay and he feels comfortable calling himself Bi!

OP do you think there is any chance it was a round about way of checking out your sexuality?

It didn't actually occur to me to be honest. I just took it for granted that he took it for granted I was straight. The thing is I have actually admitted to him that I had a homosexual experience with a friend when we were in our very early teens and he admitted to the same but he does know I have no more interest in a member of the same sex than the man in the moon.

stephen_n

MyKeyG wrote: »

It didn't actually occur to me to be honest. I just took it for granted that he took it for granted I was straight. The thing is I have actually admitted to him that I had a homosexual experience with a friend when we were in our very early teens and he admitted to the same but he does know I have no more interest in a member of the same sex than the man in the moon.

Just a thought

I'd say what most other posters are saying just let him decide when he is ready to bring it up with you.