An Affair

LegacyUser

Im just wondering to myself is there any grounds when an affair is considered just?
Myself and my wife are getting on just ok but we arent intimate. We seem to have grown apart and dont engage in any form of affection, but thats not for want of trying from my part. Its just that I have been getting attention from a person who is obviously attracted to me, but which I dont respond to, or at least not yet to.
Ive had lots of discussions with my partner about "stuff" but as it usually goes it ends up in an argument Ive stopped talking about it.

I also have 2 kids. Should I just carry on in a relationship that is not making me happy for the sake of my children or should I accept the truth that all is not well and make an effort to move on??

Payton

dream fox234 wrote: »

Im just wondering to myself is there any grounds when an affair is considered just?
Myself and my wife are getting on just ok but we arent intimate. We seem to have grown apart and dont engage in any form of affection, but thats not for want of trying from my part. Its just that I have been getting attention from a person who is obviously attracted to me, but which I dont respond to, or at least not yet to.
Ive had lots of discussions with my partner about "stuff" but as it usually goes it ends up in an argument Ive stopped talking about it.

I also have 2 kids. Should I just carry on in a relationship that is not making me happy for the sake of my children or should I accept the truth that all is not well and make an effort to move on??

Hi, TBH there is never any grounds for having an affair. It might seem good in the short term, but it won't address the real issues in your relationship.
Is your partner under any stress, signs of depression maybe from work or looking after both your children?
Have you asked her about couple counselling?
If you can, explain what the "stuff" issue is.

dream fox234

dream fox234 wrote: »

I also have 2 kids. Should I just carry on in a relationship that is not making me happy for the sake of my children or should I accept the truth that all is not well and make an effort to move on??

If you want to stay together for the kids, go to a counsellor, either on your own or as a couple.
If you aren't happy with things the way they are, being a separation.

An affair is never a justified option. Even if you use the excuse of not wanting to separate because of your children, it's far easier to put them through the amicable separation of their parents, rather than having an affair (which will almost definitely come out at some point, maybe years down the line) which then tears the family in two with animosity and ill will and no trust between either of you. In a situation like that (the one where the separation is because of your cheating) the kids will go through far FAR worse and who knows, your wife might even feel cheated/betrayed enough to think she needs to fight for sole custody. It would be a messy messy situation.

So no, an affair isn't justified, however, beginning counselling or beginning a separation is.

Beruthiel

dream fox234 wrote: »

Should I just carry on in a relationship that is not making me happy for the sake of my children or should I accept the truth that all is not well and make an effort to move on??

Before walking, be sure you have tried every avenue.
Have you suggested the both of you going to talk to a professional?
If not, do so.

Once you are satisfied that it will not work, only then should you walk. This way, there will be no regrets.

Also, no matter what happens, stay on good terms with your wife.
And be consistent with your children. They will be ok if you are constant in your love for them.

Do not, under any circumstances, start an affair.
You need to sort yourself and your family out first.
If you decide to become single again, then you can do as you please.

Best of luck.

Wester

I would echo the advice that's been given to date OP - an affair is not the answer. I can sense and understand your frustration but remember that an affair would impact not only on your wife if it was uncovered (and the vast majority of affairs are found out) but your children also, causing untold damage. You'd be amazed the issues that can come out in counselling and the clarity you begin to discover in respect of certain things. Of course, if your wife or you were unwilling to go down that road, separation is the logical next step (it may become the next step even if you do go to counselling) but I would urge you to keep it all on the level and avoid having an affair.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,there is never a justifiable reason to have a affair.I think you've got 1 option,if you want to sort this problem-sit your wife down(preferably with your kids not in the house) and tell her exactly how you've been feeling,and then discuss rationally the possiblity of counselling either individually or as a couple.Let her know that you want to sort the issue out.Now if she refuses to acknowledge that there any problem then I'm separation may be the only answer.
Good luck OP.

ted1

If there's no intimcay in a relationship that I feel that it is ok to seek some else where. Part of a spouses duties are to.provide some. If they don't then they are neglecting their partner.

neuro-praxis

ted1 wrote: »

If there's no intimcay in a relationship that I feel that it is ok to seek some else where. Part of a spouses duties are to.provide some. If they don't then they are neglecting their partner.

The solution to feeling neglected is hardly to destroy trust and break hearts though is it? :rolleyes:

WhyGoBald

ted1 wrote: »

If there's no intimcay in a relationship that I feel that it is ok to seek some else where. Part of a spouses duties are to.provide some. If they don't then they are neglecting their partner.

Part of a spouse's duties is to remain faithful. One duty does not cancel the other. To be unfaithful is the worst betrayal of a spouse possible, and a cowardly and heartless way to address a problem.

nowyouresix

What stuff have you discussed??
You can't justify an affair. It's not right. Tell your wife that you miss intimacy.
Where/how do you know the potential other party?
If you embark on an affair here, 4 will ultimately get hurt. Could you see yourself leaving three people devastated just to follow one, based on nothing but apparent lust?
Having an affair may be thrilling and all, but what happens if the girl you play with falls for you-which she will more than likely....will she be able to have reason and call it a day and leave you go back to your wife with no drama....??? I think not, unless she has a nerve of steel. Often the most rational of women turn in to bunny boilers in this sort of situation.
You're way better off discussing things more with your wife....and if you are no longer compatible then go, on dignified terms, and start anew.

Elmer Blooker

neuro-praxis wrote: »

The solution to feeling neglected is hardly to destroy trust and break hearts though is it? :rolleyes:

Are you serious?
A marriage vow is "to have and to hold" etc , she obviously doesn't want her husband to hold her or even go near her so it seems to me that she has destroyed any trust between them.
I hope the OP finds the love and affection that he deserves.

qwertytlk

The affair will not fix your relationship. And if your partner finds out it will be you who will be blamed for ruining the relationship. I understand why your tempted, your human, you habeas needs, urges and wan sex and affection and to be close to someone but imo this possible affair is not the answer to your problems. If possible why not sit the oh down again and talk to her. Be honest, that someone is showing you interest ad while you haven't responded in any way shape or form, you are tempted because you miss the physical side of your relationship with her. Do you have any idea why she has gone off the physical element of things? Was it always like this to an extent, ie. Different libidos etc? Or is it a new thing? Staying in the relationship for the kids sake isn't the answer either imo as if there is tension and problems they are bound to pick up on it one way or another. Try try try to talk to her, non confrontational style. Suggest relationship counselling? Suggest anything you think may help? Personally iv just had a baby approx 8 months ago an the physical side of things hast gotten back on track for us yet either, but there are reasons for that such as baby sleeping in our room still, a difficult birth for me where i had an episitomy etc and now his back is out and on top of that we dont have much access to babysitter so rarely get out together, but i have to say, when we do we do both be on cloud nine for weeks, getting on like a house on fire etc. So perhaps a Few nights out on your own or weekends away may help rekindle things.
Best of luck, and please try and sort something with her before you give into temptation of this affair because its only a short ter, solution(on your part)to a Much bigger proble,sm that affects not only you but your wife and children too...

heate

I'm no expert but I would aim for a separation before wandering.
Talk to your wife about it go get some counselling or what have you.
The kids are the issue here - throughout my life I've seen peoples who parents have gone off with others and established relationships while still married. It gives men a bad name.

hondasam

dream fox234 wrote: »

I also have 2 kids. Should I just carry on in a relationship that is not making me happy for the sake of my children or should I accept the truth that all is not well and make an effort to move on??

Staying for the sake of the children is never a good idea, talk to your wife and get her to acknowledge there is a problem.
Counselling will only work if both of ye want the same thing. Having an affair will make you happy for a short time but it will not solve anything in the long run.

neuro-praxis

Elmer Blooker wrote: »

Are you serious?
A marriage vow is "to have and to hold" etc , she obviously doesn't want her husband to hold her or even go near her so it seems to me that she has destroyed any trust between them.
I hope the OP finds the love and affection that he deserves.

This is quite hilarious. If we were going to quote marriage vows at this point then "forsaking all others" and "til death do us part" might be pertinent.

Sasha42

Do you still love your wife??