Bit of advice on my new man please!

LegacyUser

Heya

Ok! I'll try to keep this to the point! I'm 30 and he is 32 - I am really smitten with this guy although it seems his knowledge of basic dating etiquette is a bit poor and although he regularly does some stuff that I should probably take offence too -not contacting me for an entire day, waking up with me on a Saturday morning to his alarm going off because he's meeting friends to play football/go for a run/go for a cycle (every time - he's never been able to stay) - I could go on.... Anyway, on top of this he is really closed off about how he feels! We're only 3 months in and although we'd had "the chat" it was so vague, I still didn't really know where I was with him!!

I knew it was exclusive and "more than casual" to him and I also knew that he was happy for it to progress in to something more.....but that was as much as I could get from him - and I like him, I enjoy his company so I don't want to make him uncomfortable

The whole not being in touch as much as guys normally are in the early stages combined with the vagueness of what our relationship is, combined with us only ever really staying in and me cooking and us watching a DVD led to me feeling kinda insecure and wondering if i would ever meet his friends etc.

So there was an indefinite plan made for last Friday where he was trying to get some mates out to our local where I would be anyway but not only did he not manage it but the night was almost over when he replied to my text to tell me - i Just felt like a sap and I text him to say "I wondered if you didn't want me to meet your friends". He reacted weirdly like "Are you being serious?" then never replied to me. The next day at dinner time I text him to ask what was going on and he said he was really unimpressed and had purposely not answered me. Then he said he was out hiking with his mates so I said not to worry about it for now if he was out and we would chat later. By 2pm the next day I had still heard nothing- I sent him a message saying it was a little unfair to leave me hanging all day and he was giving me no choice but to end it cuz I would never ever treat someone like that (I reeeeeally like him) so he replied straight away and said he liked me loads etc but whatever he is doing is obviosuly not what I like and he's just trying to figure it out - I mentioned the never staying in the morning and he'd no idea i could even be offended at that -Anyway - it seemed like neither of us wanted to break up and we agreed to have a proper face to face chat. I said to let me know when he is free and he said "will do" < that was on Sunday night. Roll on to Tuesday night (by which time i'm assuming it's all over) and I get a message asking how I am and that he is just checking up on me - I asked what was going on and he said a spanner had been thrown in the works with accusations flying about. I suggested that was a little OTT - Anyway - we got over that but both agreed all was ok but we still needed to have a chat - said good night and he's gone again

Can anyone understand what is happening here. I can't emphasise enough that i do like him and I don't think he's doing this to be an asshole. He's a very genuine person but i'm fnding it hard to get my head around him to be honest

fits

I dont think he's taking this seriously OP. If he were, you'd have met his friends by now or he'd have invited you along on the hikes. You'd be doing other things than the dvd and stayover.

Watching a dvd and leaving early... it doesnt sound good OP it sounds like a fwb situation and you want more. If I were you, have the chat, but I think you may have to cut your losses and walk.

R.D. aka MR.D

Have you guys been out for dinner? To the cinema? Anything other than just staying in?

I agree with the other poster that he doesn't seem to be that into it. You need to chat to him about it. Ask him to spell out his current feelings for you, you don't even need to discuss 'future'. You need to know what part you are playing in his life right now.

Otherwise I think from your post you're going to end up hurt.

I hate to tell you this, happysoul12, but I think you're being paranoid.

Not getting in touch every day isn't something to be offended by. Personally if a guy was getting in touch with me every single day I'd probably feel exhausted.

Secondly, while it's certainly not very romantic for him to not stay in bed with you, I don't think it's an offensive act to be an early-riser.

Thirdly, being closed off about how he feels is probably just because you've only been going out for 3 months, plus some people genuinely don't enjoy sharing their feelings all the time.

As for your plan to meet up falling through, you did describe it yourself as an "indefinite" plan.

Then when he was out hiking and you told him not to worry about it and that you'd chat later - why didn't you text him (or did you? It's not completely clear)? Surely it's up to the person who says "we'll talk later" to get in touch.

Then he says he'll organise to meet up with you, but when he does text you you're not happy with his timing. He never said he'd text you that day, he just said he would at some point, which he did.

Then you ask him what's going on, and he tells you acurately (ie. you accused him of not wanting you to meet his mates and then accused him of being offensive and then accused him of leaving you hanging and that he was putting you in a position where you would have to break up with him) and then you say it's OTT.

I know this is a long and pedantic reply, but all of your actions seem like you're trying to win some sort of power struggle, while he goes along unaware. He isn't acting particularly keen, I'll give you that, but he certainly hasn't done anything for you to be angry about or offended by.

woodchuck

First of all, I'd stop with the texting. It's a ridiculously poor form of communication for this type of thing.

He's not a mind reader... if you have certain expectations about what the relationship should entail, TELL him that;
- you want to talk every day
- you want to meet his friends
- you don't like him leaving early every morning that you stay over (I know you mentioned it to him, but you need to say it properly face-to-face)
These may seem like obvious things to some people, but not at all to others. Personally it wouldn't bother me if at the early stages of a relationship that a few days would pass and I'd heard nothing, but I know that others don't feel the same.

If you want this to last, you both need to work on communicating properly.

Chucky the tree

I'd have a serious think about telling him you expect him to contact you everyday. I even think it's very weird you think you should take offence to it not happening. If I was told that I'd be gone in a flash as I just think "bunny boiler" tbh.

IrishEyes19

Sorry I dont think she is being paranoid at all, its one thing not to reply to a text, thats rude in my opinion, but another to leave it to the last minute to cancel meeting up and not to even appear bothered by it.

He doesnt sound seriously invested in the relationship. Im not however saying he is to blame or that he is mean or anything of the sort, but you clearly seek a relationship where there is communication frequently and he doesnt seem to that way. Theres no harm in what you wish and no harm in his wishes either. I have friends who text all day and others who might text straight away or hours later. But this is clearly as issue for you.

I will say however his lack of response to that night out was appalling. I dont agree that people should put their friends on the backburner for a relationship, its poor character in my opinion, however he owed you a explanation and you should have gotten it hours before, not at the end of the night.

you need to establish your wishes with him and see what he thinks. be straight and forward with him. Dont agree or accept something if you arent happy with it, because in fairness, you cant come back weeks later and be upset with him again. I will add, the constant texting to someone who doesnt text is probably a head wrecker for him. Again you need to find out if it annoys him. Texting should be banned from relationships, it's the worst way of communication and so easy to mis-read. meet for coffee. be 100 percent honest and see what he has to say. Best of luck

LovelyLottie

I went out with a guy last year for about 6 months and had a similar experience. He was a good guy like your guy, but we were just mis-matched in terms of what we wanted from the relationship.

I did have some chats with him, said i would love to talk to him on the phone more, would like to see him more etc. and it worked for a while, but ultimately we just weren't right for each other.

A lot of guys don't like confrontation, and are positively scared of it.

I think for your own peace of mind don't let your relationship be destroyed over text. Give him a call and try and arrange to meet him face to face to talk. I've made the mistake in the past of making really important decisions over text and email, and it's ridiculous really.

For what it's worth i don't think you're being paranoid - you would just like to know that the guy you're with is as into you as you are into him. It's ok to want certain things in a relationship, as long as you communicate that to him in a calm way - and also try to compromise.

Try to meet up face to face and talk - it's possible he's a little shocked and hurt. He thought everything was going great and is surprised that you're not as happy as he thought you were. You're entitled to say how you feel, just make sure you don't sabotage a potentially good relationship - you might be able to talk things though and work it out. Good luck x

Jogathon

I'm up and out running or cycling every Sat and if a guy told me he was insulted I'd drop him so quickly. I think it's very controlling of you. I think you need to chill out, take a step back from investing so much into this, and just enjoy the time you do have! It'll either work out, or it won't..nagging won't make it work out.

LegacyUser

OP, just because he's into sports and hangs out with his mates, this does not automatically mean that he must act the ass with you. Liking sports and ass-hattery do not go hand in hand!
He's stringing you along with vague texts and meet ups. Cut him loose. There are plenty of nice guys who like sports but are able to treat women well.

LovelyLottie

Jogathon wrote: »

I'm up and out running or cycling every Sat and if a guy told me he was insulted I'd drop him so quickly. I think it's very controlling of you. I think you need to chill out, take a step back from investing so much into this, and just enjoy the time you do have! It'll either work out, or it won't..nagging won't make it work out.

I think it's quite harsh to say she's nagging and controlling - we don't even know the girl. She's being honest about how she feels. A relationship is so complex - 2 different people with 2 different sets of experiences and issues coming together and trying to make it work.

I had a boyfriend who used always be up and out on Saturday mornings to go to Bootcamp and it wasn't ideal but it didn't bother me hugely. Similarly i had a different one who used always leave early to go to rugby. Again it didn't bother me massively. But what does bother me is when i don't hear from a guy for a day or just get silly texts instead of a quick call. Everyone is different. What bothers one person, wouldn't even concern another.

OP, you're entitled to feel how you feel. Just express it calmly and rationally. You two may not be suited, but perhaps a little communication might help things. Good luck.

Balmed Out

I find it hard to see what your complaining about. At yere age ye have obviously had relationships before and he seems to be taking things slowly, maybe hes been burned before.

I get up every Sat morning when theres surf. My gf goes for a walk. If either of us were to expect the other to stay in for them wed be told where to go.

Ringing every day at this stage of a relationship would come across as stalkerish to me.

Seems to me you take offence to the fact that he has a life, do you participate in any sports and have regular meet ups with friends. You should, its healthy.

The only thing id completely support you in complaining about is the always staying in etc. Thats a little strange.

Lorna123

I would not be concerned if he didn't get in touch every day, but what would concern me is that he knew you were not pleased with what happened when he didn't turn up with his friends, you asked for an explanation and he disappeared, and even though he agreed to having a chat with you he has not arranged it since. Looks to me like he is no hurry to see you again, and couldn't care less how you feel. I would not contact him again if I were you. It is now up to him and at the rate he is going he will never get around to it.

Miss Fluff

Isn't this your second thread on this exact topic in the last week or so? It doesn't seem like much has changed and if something is causing you THIS much upset then I'd be inclined to cut my losses.

I do think however, if you don't mind my saying, that you are coming across as really quite needy. This is a fledgling relationship, he wants to take it slow and seems like quite a laid back soul whereas you have expectations of daily contact and are miffed because some of his time is taken up with a hobby? I think that's a great sign in someone. When I first got together with my OH he said that some Saturday or Sunday mornings if the waves are good or conditions are right then he'll be off like a shot (he loves surfing and sailing) and I said cool, I like that he is a well-rounded individual with his own interests.

It would be a different proposition if this guy was going off every Saturday morning to be with some other woman but it really is for quite innocent reasons. Why is this a problem for you?

Seems to me like you're not going to enjoy any of this relationship because this guy constantly SHOULD be doing this, that and the other. Why don't you appreciate and enjoy this new relationship for what it is? Of course maybe you're acting this needy because you know in your heart of hearts he is not actually interested and if that's the case then just wave day day.

rbag

This is going to seem harsh so sorry.

If all you ever do is stay in, he probably (but I don't know) just sees it as nothing serious.

The evening where he didn't bother contacting you until late in the evening about the night out with his friends reinforces this view in my opinion. That was rude of him yet later you are defending his behaviour.

On the other hand, you seem to do all the chasing.
I don't know if it is worth it.

I think it would be an idea to stop the texting. If he texts you now for another night in, tell him you're busy or better still don't text him back.

Don't let him walk all over you.

ihsb

TBH I would be very suspicious about him not letting you meet any of his friends and that you are always staying in. Have you ever gone out into public for dates?

The whole situation doesn't seem right to me. When you are in a relationship with someone (not just dating) then I expect to hear from them regularly. I would definitely not feel right if he wasn't getting back to me for four days!

Go with your gut!

Fenian Army

You sound overly controlling to me tbh. Giving out that he leaves early to hike or cycle? Wanting him to be in contact every day?
I'd be gone, you've made a lot of drama out of a situation that doesn't warrant it imo.

LegacyUser

Fenian Army wrote: »

You sound overly controlling to me tbh. Giving out that he leaves early to hike or cycle? Wanting him to be in contact every day?
I'd be gone, you've made a lot of drama out of a situation that doesn't warrant it imo.

I genuinely can't understand what you are annoyed about. If someone was like that with me, I'd run. You sound as though you have a ticklist of 'boyfriend behaviour', and anything not meeting the standard of forgetting his life before he met you a short time ago means that he fails.

If you really do like him, you need to accept that he has an independent life. If you can't accept this, you and he will have needless rows, and you are better off splitting so that he can find soneone less clingy and you can find someone prepared to be there 24/7.

santana75

happysoul12 wrote: »

Heya

Ok! I'll try to keep this to the point! I'm 30 and he is 32 - I am really smitten with this guy although it seems his knowledge of basic dating etiquette is a bit poor and although he regularly does some stuff that I should probably take offence too -not contacting me for an entire day, waking up with me on a Saturday morning to his alarm going off because he's meeting friends to play football/go for a run/go for a cycle (every time - he's never been able to stay) - I could go on.... Anyway, on top of this he is really closed off about how he feels! We're only 3 months in and although we'd had "the chat" it was so vague, I still didn't really know where I was with him!!

I knew it was exclusive and "more than casual" to him and I also knew that he was happy for it to progress in to something more.....but that was as much as I could get from him - and I like him, I enjoy his company so I don't want to make him uncomfortable

The whole not being in touch as much as guys normally are in the early stages combined with the vagueness of what our relationship is, combined with us only ever really staying in and me cooking and us watching a DVD led to me feeling kinda insecure and wondering if i would ever meet his friends etc.

Its not a one size fits all when it comes to relationships OP. You seem to be judging him by a certain set of unspoken rules. I mean who gets to decide what constitutes poor dating etiquette? Not contacting you for a day is no big deal,its only 1 day!!! Getting up on a saturday to play sports is what blokes do, I dont see why you would have a problem wth that. It sounds like this guy is living his own life which you should be happy about. Why not get up on saturday morning and go for a run yourself, or do something you enjoy, just for you. Nobody can make you feel insecure without your consent, its up to you to be strong in yourself and not allow the actions of others lead you to become insecure.

Neyite

I have to say, for only 3 months in, you are determined to mould him into what you consider to be "the perfect boyfriend" and from your description of him, he seems laid back and I cant see him going the distance with you.

Its only 3 months. Its perfectly acceptable for anyone to not introduce a brand new partner to their wider social group until they get to know them better. Perfectly acceptable for an adult not to have to "check in" with a daily text, and honestly - the alarm thing? I hit snooze at least 3 times on mine 5 days a week for the last 8 years and not once has my partner got annoyed. Its a rare couple who get up together at exactly the same time every single day. I think you are more annoyed that he gets up and shares something like a hobby with other people instead of staying with you. Then you say that there is even more that annoys you - after 3 months? ? It does not sound like a good fit to be honest.

You dont tell him you are unhappy with things - you pretend you are "fine" with it all yet you seethe inside when he takes you at your word. He is not a mind reader.

I think you wait around for him and then resent that you do. I think that you wont say anything to him for fear of not being "a nice girlfriend". You let on you are happy to sit in with him all the time when secretly you wish that he would bring you out - why not tell him this so? it does no have to be confrontational at all - when you are arranging to meet up again, instead of him coming over yet again, just say "lets do something different this weekend, why not go out to that new restaraunt instead" - thats nice and assertive, but not naggy or whiny.

My post is probably hard to read for you. Some internet stranger critising your life like this. But I used to be just like this in my early twenties, ruined a great relationship with a terrific guy by this behaviour. I knew I had to change my behaviour in order to have a successful relationship - and communicating effectivly was the key. I realised that it was ok to say "y'know, lets not do that, I'd like to do this" and it only strengthen the relationship to be assertive insted of annoyed.

I am a friend

When some people get to a 'certain age', they are less willing to change their routines / passtimes etc for a relationship and this guy may be like this.. TBH, I would not be into a relationship whereby all my weekends were spent alone due to someone elses hobbies but thats just me... He doesnt seem willing to change so you need to figure if you can live with it.