Boyfriend refuses to discuss sexual history

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone

First time poster.
So a bit of background. I'm 22, my boyfriend is 25, we have been seeing each other 6 months. We have engaged in some sexual activity but we haven't slept together.

I'm really frustrated by the fact that he refuses to discuss his sexual history with me and I refuse to sleep with him until he does so. He has asked me mine, i have told him. I don't even know how many girlfriends he has had, how many people he has slept with, if he has had any stds or one night stands.

He said its completely ridiculous and inappropriate for me to even ask and that no couples discuss their sexual history with each other. All of my friends say otherwise. He gets extremely angry when I press the issue and I'm afraid to ask him.

I'm thinking about breaking up with his as I just can't bare to have sex with him without knowing this.

Am i in the wrong?

Lorna123

whatshouldIdo218 wrote: »

Hi Everyone

First time poster.
So a bit of background. I'm 22, my boyfriend is 25, we have been seeing each other 6 months. We have engaged in some sexual activity but we haven't slept together.

I'm really frustrated by the fact that he refuses to discuss his sexual history with me and I refuse to sleep with him until he does so. He has asked me mine, i have told him. I don't even know how many girlfriends he has had, how many people he has slept with, if he has had any stds or one night stands.

He said its completely ridiculous and inappropriate for me to even ask and that no couples discuss their sexual history with each other. All of my friends say otherwise. He gets extremely angry when I press the issue and I'm afraid to ask him.

I'm thinking about breaking up with his as I just can't bare to have sex with him without knowing this.

Am i in the wrong?

I don't think it is appropriate for you to ask this guy this question. All you need to know is that he has a clean bill of health.

Beruthiel

whatshouldIdo218 wrote: »

He said its completely ridiculous and inappropriate for me to even ask and that no couples discuss their sexual history with each other.

I know my husband for 12 years now. I have no idea about his sexual history. It's none of my business what he got up to before I met him.
He doesn't know the details of mine. It's none of his business.

Your b/f has every right to refuse and you have no right to ask.

If you are concerned about his sexual health, ask him to get tested before ye have sex.

shoes34

whatshouldIdo218 wrote: »

. He has asked me mine, i have told him.

He has asked her but its not OK for her to ask him? OK maybe he doesn't want to discuss how many sexual partners he has had but he shoud have thought of that before asking her.

Maybe both of you should go for STI tests before engaging in sex.

woodchuck

Beruthiel wrote: »

Your b/f has every right to refuse and you have no right to ask.

I completely disagree with this! You can’t force him to discuss it, but you have every right to ask. Especially as he asked you and you told him. I don’t see anything wrong with discussing it if you want to have an open and honest relationship. I’ve discussed this with my OH and it has done no harm at all, it makes me feel better that everything is out in the open.

The obvious thing is for both of you to get tested for STDs before you sleep together to make sure you’re both healthy, but I find it very odd that he won’t discuss it with you at all. Personally I wouldn’t sleep with him until he feels comfortable enough to discuss it with you, especially as it seems to be so important to you.

R.D. aka MR.D

The most important thing is that you two get STD tests.

Even if he talks about his past you have no idea if he's telling the truth so a clean bill of health should be all that matters.

LegacyUser

I asked him about getting STD tests and he flipped out also. Just to be clear to everyone....I'm not FORCING..him to tell me anything, I just think that as he has asked me the question and I have answered, he should tell me. He also said that my sexual history would have had a huge effect on our relationship and had i slept with alot of people he would have thought less of me.

I think that because it is something which is important for me to know, he should compromise and tell me. Or maybe I should find someone else who is comfortable with discussing this to have a relationship with instead

meganj

shoes34 wrote: »

He has asked her but its not OK for her to ask him? OK maybe he doesn't want to discuss how many sexual partners he has had but he shoud have thought of that before asking her.

Maybe both of you should go for STI tests before engaging in sex.

She could have refused, not to be pedantic, but she could easily have said "I'm not comfortable discussing the ins and outs (sorry) but I assure you I've been tested recently and have the all clear"

Lorna123 wrote: »

I don't think it is appropriate for you to ask this guy this question. All you need to know is that he has a clean bill of health.

I don't know that it's inappropriate to ask, but he has said no, you have said that you won't sleep with him until he discusses it with you. So, the compromise is is that you both get tested for std's (which you should be doing anyway) and that way everyone will be happy.

That is based on the assumption that you only car about his sexual health and not his sexual past, which provided it is in the past, is none of your business.

I am a friend

Don't see why you need to know the numbers ... You Do need to know that he has no diseases though

Beruthiel

whatshouldIdo218 wrote: »

I asked him about getting STD tests and he flipped out also.

Well then, I would make it very clear to him.
There will be no sex until you see the results of an STD test.
Your health (and his) is of top concern and if he doesn't understand that, too bad for him.
You should both go together and get one.
If he doesn't agree to that, you should probably move on.

He also said that my sexual history would have had a huge effect on our relationship and had i slept with alot of people he would have thought less of me.

Double standards.
You should have refused to tell him.
I find his attitude sexist and would have no time for it personally.
Stand up for yourself OP.

WhyGoBald

A lot of red flags here, OP, to be honest. Sexual double standards, refusal to get tested, refusal to disclose the information he demands from you, angry responses to reasonable questions? He sounds a bit dodgy.

You're perfectly entitled to ask him about his past. He's perfectly entitled to decline to answer. You shouldn't judge someone on their past so really there's no issue about the numbers.

However the STD situation is very worrying, as is his refusal to discuss it. That's not his past, that's his present and it could cause significant damage to your life if worst came to worst.

Forget about the numbers but stand your ground on the sexual health side of things. He's being awfully cagey.

Neyite

Something fishy here...Does he think men dont get STI's or something? :rolleyes: Sounds like a guy I once knew who maintained that "he would know by looking at a girl if she had an STI" (he didnt last long!)

At this stage, with him being so cagey, plus having double standards about it all, I wouldnt even take his word for it when he agrees to a check up - I'd go with him and not do a thing until you have the results in your hand. His reaction is too OTT for my liking.

In terms of disclosure - I agree with the rest here - You dont need numbers or names, but you do deserve to know he is clear of infection. I'd take all intimate contact off the table until he gets a clean bill of health.

solovely

To me, OP, it sounds like he's embarrassed by lack of experience rather than having had too much of it. He's 25, maybe he's a virgin or maybe he's only had one partner, and because you've disclosed more (maybe you haven't) he's embarrassed.

If it's a big deal for you, I would sit him down and calmly tell him why it matters to you, not the number per se, but his attitude to sex and the human body, but that you won't judge him either way.

For those who say what's in the past doesn't matter and nobody should have to disclose, I tend to disagree a bit. While I wouldn't need to know an exact number or anything like that, I think a person's attitude to sex, the opposite sex, and the human body is something that's important to me. I did go out with one guy who's had 80+ partners (and was quite proud of this) and to be honest, it was an issue for me, STDs and all of that apart, as it was an indication of how he viewed women and what he saw as important in life. I tried my best not to make it an issue, but it was. btw while we were together he was off shagging other women, and continued to do so afterwards.

Of course some people can change their attitude and their actions, but I still think if you are going to share your whole life with someone and get really deep and meaningful you deserve to know, generally, what they got up to in the past and how their attitudes have changed (if they have). The same for if he was a virgin, there may be reasons for it you'd like to know. It's the same if somebody has depression or was an alcoholic (not that these are comparable to being a virgin or a nymphomaniac in any way), there are parts of someone's past that, regardless of how they impact the future, have made them who they are and you deserve to know.

My advice would be to be calm but firm, that you don't want to know any specific details at all, just his general attitude to sex, and why he is holding back. And then, try not to be judgemental if it's not what you want to hear, but talk it through with him. Either way, it's obviously something he's embarrassed/ uncomfortable about.

As I said, my bets is, it's less rather than more he's embarrassed about.

Kidchameleon

Sounds to me like he hasn't had many partners and is shy about it

squonk

What a baby! If so he should be at least able to confide that to his gf. Christ almighty, either he's shagged around like mad or he's a baby. Either way OP, I'd move on.

Killed By Death

I think there are two seperate issues here OP;

1. Your health. You have every right to refuse to sleep with him unless you see a clean bill of health from an STI test. Both myself and my boyfriend got STI tests when we started sleeping together and showed them to each other. You get a letter showing what you were tested for, the date and your status.

I completely agree with you on that.

2. His sexual history. Now this is a different matter. He is not obliged to tell you how many people he has slept with and/or what he has done with them. It's his own business. As long as he can produce that clean STI bill of health then that's all that matters. Even if he did tell you about his past there is no guarantee it would be the truth anyway. Proper proof is what is important not his life story.

I know you said your friends told you they know all about their boyfriends, but they don't. Their boyfriends could be telling them anything, if they believe it, let them. It's unhealthy to pressure someone to tell you about their every past sexual move and its controlling.

So, insist on the STI test. If he has nothing to hide then he will do it. If not you have your answer. But as for pumping him for information on his personal sexual history, leave it alone, it's not your business.

yellowcrayon

Id have to agree with the minority here that sometimes you do want to know numbers.
I just think if you are planning on sleeping together and having a relationship then you should be open enough to tell each other how many sexual partners you have had. I mean, it doesnt have to be an interrgation, but I remember asking my boyfriend his number after we watched a funny film together recently which was based around the actress's 'number'.. (I asked him this after 6 years together, as it was never important to me).
Especially since you've disclosed your number, he's being very unfair about not telling you his.
I just think if there's trust,communication and openness then there shouldnt be a problem in tellin your OH.
And btw, most of my friends know their partner's 'number', i think its a commonly asked question in a relationship. So, i think its fine to ask.... just dont go overboard and ask for descriptions of their encounters

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I had a boyfriend a few years ago and he thought it was a bit OTT when I asked about his sexual history. He didn't mind telling me about his romantic past and relationships and so on, number of girls and girlfriends he had but asking about his sexual health he wasn't too keen to discuss but he at least said he had a clean bill of health but I just wanted to be sure and get himself checked out before we had sex. I couldn't take his word for it as I didn't really trust him and knew he was a bit of a ladies man. I was very honest with him. I was a virgin at the time so I was very sceptical like.

He still pressured me into sex but I didn't give in, I wasn't ready but also I was a bit afraid of getting something or getting pregnant and so on as I wasn't very experienced intimately.

I very much agree that you are in the right to ask you don't need to pry too indefinitely but just asking the number of people he slept with and had a relationship with shouldn't be a big deal. Might be personal but for health reasons he should let you know that much and get tested. It only takes one time, being with one person for someone to catch something. If he cares about you enough then he will confide in you and shouldn't be too difficult for him.

You have every right to be healthy and engage in a healthy sex life. You are doing the right thing by asking him it might be a bit OTT to him but if he isn't willing to tell you he isn't worth it if it means he could be hiding something. Out of respect for you, keeping yourself healthy and safe that is all you need. Can't understand why he wouldn't want you to be healthy and safe? You can't take someone's word for it without being checked out by a medical professional.

For every person you have been with can affect someone else you are with in the future, people forget that.

Whether he is experienced or not is irrelevant he could still pick up something when being intimate without sex though higher chance of getting something when having sex regardless if its a lot or very little. Sex is sex and anything can happen from just one time or with one person! If he is a virgin then he shouldn't feel too hard done by to tell you. If its too personal he may not tell you anything. So just ask for relevant information that give you peace of mind. Still ask him to get tested though if he isn't a virgin.

I think there is no harm in both of ye getting tested, if you get tested, he might too.

Trust and communication is the main thing but if you really need to know you need to let him know you that you need that information for peace of mind. No test no sex. Put it to him like that like. Might be a bit controlling but you need to know if you don't you be left wondering. If he truly loved you he confide in you and do what you ask him too.

Honesty is key to a happy relationship! You can't move on otherwise.

cafecolour

whatshouldIdo218 wrote: »

I asked him about getting STD tests and he flipped out also. Just to be clear to everyone....I'm not FORCING..him to tell me anything, I just think that as he has asked me the question and I have answered, he should tell me. He also said that my sexual history would have had a huge effect on our relationship and had i slept with alot of people he would have thought less of me.

I think that because it is something which is important for me to know, he should compromise and tell me. Or maybe I should find someone else who is comfortable with discussing this to have a relationship with instead

In general, I think discussing details of previous sexual history is generally a bad idea in a relationship, it normally just leads to jealousy.

As said above though, there's lot of warning signs of a potential abuser here (controlling, jealousy, double standard, etc.). TBH, I'd dump him and on the next boyfriend, don't make it a subject of conversation.

LegacyUser

Ordinarily I'd say you have no right to ask him, but as HE asked YOU the question first, and you replied openly and honestly, it is grossly unfair that he then decided to keep stchum.
It's a big deal disclosing that sort of information, and you took a leap of faith in telling him- why doesn't he feel comfortable enough to do the same, even if he has lack of experience? The fact that he's 3 years older than you... maybe he's dating a girl of your age precisely so he won't be intimidated (someone his own age would be more likely to have a "history"), and also he gets to be with someone who doesn't challenge him in the same way (but you're not conforming to his stereotype of the compliant obedient younger gf).
Without a doubt, a clear STD test is a must-have. But, even with this, if you've no trust/communication, is there any point? Sleeping with someone=50% health, 50% emotional.

LegacyUser

I have a friend who didn't sleep with her partner until he had had a full STD test (they're now married). They talked about having sex together before it happened, i think she had less partners than him (or maybe none come to think of it...) and he agreed to a full STD test etc. before they slept together. So if it's something that's important to you, then you are well within your rights to be asking for this.

I agree that talking about previous partners can lead to jealousy and isn't always constructive, but he sounds like a very closed-off person who is refusing to let you into his world. If he didn't want to answer the question directly, he could just have said that he's slept with a few people but that's all in the past or something else calm and sensible. Instead he's refusing to share information, that clearly is important to you. Fair enough if he thinks it's none of your business, but he doesn't have to be so controlling about it.

His refusal to have an STD test is a major, major concern. A long time ago i had a boyfriend whom i went out with for 1.5 years. It was a long-distance relationship, he in the UK me in Ireland. He was a lovely guy but had slept with a lot of girls before me, i'd only slept with 3 guys. I didn't ask him this till we were going out a year and to be honest i was shocked with the number he gave me. I ended up contracting an STD from him - it was treatable but the whole experience was very traumatic for me. I was so young i didn't realise how serious it all was.

Follow your gut instinct. And don't compromise on what you think is right or what you believe in.

skooterblue2

cafecolour wrote: »

In general, I think discussing details of previous sexual history is generally a bad idea in a relationship, it normally just leads to jealousy.

I think talking about medium to finer details of sexual history is a no-no! It opens the door for comparisons and numbers. These turn in your mind like an over wound clock. however if you want to talk about sex an STD test should be on the table. I think it is very double standard that you should have to give your sexual history and he not give his.

I think you should tell him while he has this attitude your jeans stay zipped!

squonk

Yes, previous poster! I neglected to say that his asking you but refusing to reciprocate isn't fair game. I think the view you're adopting OP is a sensible one. You don't know anything about this guy really and have a right to assume that he's good to go so to speak and doesn't have any STI's. It can't be one rule for him and one for you. If it's OK for him to ask you about your history, then he knows that he should expect to be asked also and should at least be able to answer in broad terms. Even something like 'Oh I've had a few but I've not gotten an STI and I don't really feel comfortable elaborating further', would at least be OK. You'd have gotten some answer.

The bottom line is that there's something I don't like about this guy's attitude. Either he's a baby as I said who likes asking the big questions but can't take being asked himself or he's very closed off and either hiding something or just not comfortable opening up. Neither of these scearios present good traits I think. Coming from my point of view, I would think I couldn't build anything on either of those cases and would move on. Really, at the end of the day the guy is an adult who wants to be part of an adult relationship and getting tested is not such a big thing in that case. He can't have his cake and eat it. He must either cop on or jog on IMHO.

Mickey Dazzler

I think your are being completely unreasonable.

I would never tell anybody my exact history. If i was pushed I would lie and tell them what they want to hear.

lace

Normally, I would say that it doesn't matter as long as you're both healthy (and can prove it) but this is somewhat complicated by the fact that he asked you first.

Now I know that you could have just declined to answer and that would have all been fine but I know that if I was in your position I would take a gesture such as a man asking me about my sexual past as a sign that he wanted to open up a conversation about the topic. A conversation is a two-way exchange and I know that I would presume that if he was comfortable enough to ask the question and hear the answer then he would be comfortable enough to answer it too.

It's very odd that he asked you this and completely shut down once he got his answer. Yes, it could be that something you said made him feel shy/nervous/inferior but, imo, if he asked the question he should have been prepared to hear the answer (and also answer it himself).

Whatever about his strange attitude towards the disclosure of sexual history, it's totally ridiculous that he's refusing to get tested. This is very strange. Perhaps he contracted something in the past and is ashamed about it now or maybe he's a little nervous of doctors etc. He is an adult and a clean bill of sexual health (or full disclosure of any ongoing sexual health issues so that the two of you can find a way to deal with them) is essential for a healthy adult relationship.

You should sit him down and (gently) explain why you feel he should tell you about his history. Explain that you don't want to know any specific number or specific details but that it's important to you that he can prove he's been tested and is clean.

His whole attitude bothers me and if I were you there would be many alarm bells ringing. Not only because he's asking about your past yet being sketchy about his own and refusing to get tested but he admitted that he would think less of you if your "number" was higher!!

Lorna123

whatshouldIdo218 wrote: »

Hi Everyone

First time poster.
So a bit of background. I'm 22, my boyfriend is 25, we have been seeing each other 6 months. We have engaged in some sexual activity but we haven't slept together.

I'm really frustrated by the fact that he refuses to discuss his sexual history with me and I refuse to sleep with him until he does so. He has asked me mine, i have told him. I don't even know how many girlfriends he has had, how many people he has slept with, if he has had any stds or one night stands.

He said its completely ridiculous and inappropriate for me to even ask and that no couples discuss their sexual history with each other. All of my friends say otherwise. He gets extremely angry when I press the issue and I'm afraid to ask him.

I'm thinking about breaking up with his as I just can't bare to have sex with him without knowing this.

Am i in the wrong?

I get the impression that this guy just turned the tables on the OP when she asked him first about his sexual history and said "what's yours" not really expecting an answer. but got one. If this is the case then that is a different thing to him asking her and not replying himself.

ihsb

I am the type that likes to know who I am getting in bed with. I know everything about my boyfriends past and he know everything about mine. I am just the type that hates surprises popping up (like running into people etc.)

I know that some people think that it is none of your business but I guess what is your business is for you and him to decide.

He asked you, you told him. He should tell you. STD/STI tests should be carried out straight away before this goes any further! The fact that he is freaking out over it means he is probably too sexually immature and immature in general to engage in a relationship with you.

Give him an STI leaflet. It might shock him how easy it is to pick up some things.