Boyfriend going away for the summer.

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend nearly four years this year,both in our early twentys he is a student living in Dublin and I'm in full time employment. A few days ago he sprung on me that he was strongly thinking of going on a J1 for the summer to California. There is a group of them going none with girlfriends etc. I was obviously upset by this as the summer is the time we most spend with eachother due to work and college. He wanted to know how I felt about it all so I told him I wouldnt stop him going but as far as we where concerned it was all or nothing.Then he mentioned the word 'break'. We have had no problems leading upto this we are the happiest we have been. To me the term break is just a free pass for a couple of weeks/months to do what you like but when its all over and your back to reality you have that relationship to hold onto. I couldnt do a break for three months I dont see the point in it surely if he is commited to this relationship, which he says he is, he should be trying to make it work if what he wants is to go over there? It would not be possible for me to go and visit either due to work commitments. Im at a loss with the whole situation. We are due to go away next weekend and at the minute I would rather jump off a plane then try and adress the situation wit him again.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Right up until he suggested a break I would have said let him go and enjoy it, keep the relationship, its only a short few months apart...Ive done it in the past and it made us stronger...

however if he is suggesting a break its because he intends to go out ot america free and available to fully enjoy his time there. In which case, Id be calling it off now and getting over him before hte summer starts so you can also enjoy the summer.

Sorry

cynder

guest232 wrote: »

Hey OP,

Right up until he suggested a break I would have said let him go and enjoy it, keep the relationship, its only a short few months apart...Ive done it in the past and it made us stronger...

however if he is suggesting a break its because he intends to go out ot america free and available to fully enjoy his time there. In which case, Id be calling it off now and getting over him before hte summer starts so you can also enjoy the summer.

Sorry

Same here... He wants a free pass to enjoy himself over there, he doesn't have to remain faithful.

After 4 years his not showing you much consideration, I would walk away. If that's how he feels end it now.

You probably dont want to end it why would you, you love him. But it cant call a break just so he can have fun in America its not fare on you. You will be waiting for him to say 'lets get back together'.

If his so desperate for a break why not have the break NOW. So you can move on with your life, the sooner the better instead of waiting for the break to happen in a couple of months time.


*hugs*

his being a idiot

P. Breathnach

grindelwald wrote: »

Same here... He wants a free pass to enjoy himself over there, he doesn't have to remain faithful.

After 4 years his not showing you much concideration, I would walk away.

Don't walk yet. It might just be foolish talk on his part (don't we all entertain stupid ideas sometimes?). Tell him you are not happy with the idea, and see how he reacts. If he decides to go, let him go on the understanding that he is also going away from his relationship with you. If he stays willingly, all is good. The tricky problem that might arise is that he stay unwillingly: then you might be back here asking how to interpret his position.

woodchuck

This is one of these ‘once in a lifetime’ things that if he doesn’t do it, he’ll always regret it and would resent you if you were to hold him back. It’s up to you to decide whether your relationship is strong enough to last a few months apart. If I was you I’d either talk to him about staying committed while he’s over there (and don’t give him a hard time about going) or make a clean break now (none of this ‘taking a break’ nonsense, that’s just having his cake and eating it too).

I’m not sure why you couldn’t go over to visit him? If you’re working you should be able to save up and everyone is entitled to annual leave. You could try to go over for a week in the middle of it if you think it will help. But to be honest if your relationship can’t survive ~3month separation, then maybe it’s just not meant to be.

cynder

woodchuck wrote: »

This is one of these ‘once in a lifetime’ things that if he doesn’t do it, he’ll always regret it and would resent you if you were to hold him back. It’s up to you to decide whether your relationship is strong enough to last a few months apart. If I was you I’d either talk to him about staying committed while he’s over there (and don’t give him a hard time about going) or make a clean break now (none of this ‘taking a break’ nonsense, that’s just having his cake and eating it too).

I’m not sure why you couldn’t go over to visit him? If you’re working you should be able to save up and everyone is entitled to annual leave. You could try to go over for a week in the middle of it if you think it will help. But to be honest if your relationship can’t survive ~3month separation, then maybe it’s just not meant to be.

I would of said that too, if he hadn't of asked for a break at the same time.

The break bit is the bit i would be concerned about.

woodchuck

grindelwald wrote: »

The break bit is the bit i would be concerned about.

Agreed, but as far as I understand this was after the OP told him that it was 'all or nothing' as far as the relationship goes. That's a bit of a mixed message after saying she wouldn't stop him going. Sounds like he might have just responded badly to what sounds like an ultimatum and that they really need to talk it through more calmly.

It all comes down to trust and OP only you know if you can trust him.

R.D. aka MR.D

You do have to discuss this with him again. If you are going away for the weekend maybe wait until the end and take some time to discuss it. Being in an unfamiliar might help the situation.

None of us know the details of your relationship but it sounds like he wants to have a bit of freedom. You are both young so maybe it is for the best. Do you want to force him to stay with you?

After 4 years the thought of being alone might be scary but you will survive it.

best of luck x

Lorna123

It sounds to me OP that he is going anyway whether you like it or not. Personally, I see nothing wrong with him doing this, except that you will be lonely this Summer. I really think too that having a break for the Summer will do you both good. You will both be free to do as you like, not just him. If you get back together when he comes back then the relationship will be stronger, if you don't get back together then maybe it would be a sign that you weren't meant to be. I would not sulk about this or give him a hard time, because in my book it doesn't mean that he is going off you, it is just something that he would like to do. A positive that could come out of this is that you will both miss one another so much that the reunion in September will be magic.

anndub

He only asked for a break because you hinted that if he went you'd end the relationship. It was unfair of you to attempt to emotionally blackmail him like that and the fact that he didn't tell you to go ahead and finish it but instead looked for a "compromise" shows that he is serious about you.

ihsb

woodchuck wrote: »

Agreed, but as far as I understand this was after the OP told him that it was 'all or nothing' as far as the relationship goes. That's a bit of a mixed message after saying she wouldn't stop him going. Sounds like he might have just responded badly to what sounds like an ultimatum and that they really need to talk it through more calmly.

It all comes down to trust and OP only you know if you can trust him.

+1 He probably needs to do a bit of travelling and living abroad. Which even though will be hard for you, it could be something that makes you both stronger in the long run.

But you REALLY have to tell him that it is all or nothing and that you won't take a break for him to go off and sow his seed. That is not fair.

LegacyUser

First of all thanks for all your replys. Really needed a non family/friend opinion.

I have never said to him that he should not go on this trip. He knows that if he goes I will be happy for him whatever the circumstances. I think it would be a great experience once in a lifetime as somebody said, and although yes I would miss him terribly I'm willing to do whatevers required to make it work. When I say its all or nothing I mean its either stay commited or we just cut ties because I dont feel a break is fair nor is waiting a few months for it to happen.

My sister is getting married abroad at the end of July (he was due to be flying out also) so my holidays are pretty much tied up with that give or take a few days. I completly agree woodchuck if we cant survive a few months apart there is no hope for the relationship. I honestly feel we are strong enough to stay together and make it work and up until he suggested a break i thought he did too. Its the suggestion of this break thats throwing me alltogether.

I dont want to feel like I'm forcing him to stay with me either. It hasnt been all guns blazing discussing it or anything it was discussed over dinner on Monday,its just trying to find out what it actually is he wants. Is it because he will be the only one tied down over there that he wants this seperation? I dont know. I'm not sure if freedom is what it comes down to either he lives in Dublin Monday-Friday and I see him when he returns at the weekends. We have never really had any issues like that.

I'm sick of texting him about it so the next time I see him will be Saturday. He has said he doesnt want to break up but that a break would be easier on both of us. Is it fair for me to say we either stay commited while you go or we cut ties and remain friends from here on in because I dont think a break nor giving me hope of reconciliation when he comes back is fair?

Abi

It's down to each individual what you would do in that scenario. I do feel that he's going whether you like it or lump it, and the take a break thing was thrown into the loop when you said how you felt about it.

I'd be sad and miss my partner, but if he felt he needed to do something I'd let him do his thing. Like the others have said, if you're in a committed relationship you don't ask for a break.

If it were me in this case, the break bit would have finalised things for me, and I'd tell him it's over. I'd also make it clear that you're not going to waiting around for him and you're getting on with your life.

It's sad to think after four years it's come to this, but he doesn't really care what you think or feel about this.

Best of luck OP.

woodchuck

californiadreaming wrote: »

Is it fair for me to say we either stay commited while you go or we cut ties and remain friends from here on in because I dont think a break nor giving me hope of reconciliation when he comes back is fair?

This is definitely a reasonable thing to say to him. ‘Taking a break’ isn’t healthy at all. I think either a proper break up now or stay committed to each while he’s away is the way to go.

cafecolour

californiadreaming wrote: »

I'm sick of texting him about it so the next time I see him will be Saturday. He has said he doesnt want to break up but that a break would be easier on both of us. Is it fair for me to say we either stay commited while you go or we cut ties and remain friends from here on in because I dont think a break nor giving me hope of reconciliation when he comes back is fair?

It's completely fair. Yeah, a 'break' just means he wants to **** around but have the stability of a relationship to go back to. He knows he's likely not to meet someone else over there (more than a one-nighter), as he's just on visit - but you might. So it's all win for him.

I think it's perfectly fair to say 'cut ties', but we'll see what the situation is when he returns. If you're both still single, then maybe you get back together, but there are no guarantees, you might have met someone else.

Silver_525

Hey op, I was in a similar position before so said I'd throw in my 2c.

I was only with my boyfriend a couple of months when i booked my J1 to California so that part is a bit different I suppose.
Anyway, as time went on our relationship got stronger and we were well lourved up six months later when I was due to leave
He didn't want me to go, was going to miss me, as I was him etc.
He ended up coming to visit for 2 weeks and we had a fantastic time.
Stayed together for three years after that summer.

Anyway, my point is your both so very young and I can completely understand his desire to go- would you perhaps be interested in doing something like this with your friends someday? Not necessarily the J1 but something else that you might want to do separately with friends.
Its a healthy thing to do at your age and having been with someone since your so young IMO.

That's just my take on it anyway and that my experience was positive. Three months is nothing and not such a big deal when I look back in hindsight.

Lorna123

I think he is right to suggest a break. He is going away for 3 months so he feels that he cannot ask you to wait for him and he cannot guarantee that he is going to remain faithful to you. That is just him being fair and realistic. I do think, however, that he is really into you and he would like you to be there for him when he gets back, but he feels that he cannot ask you to do this without coming across as being unreasonable. If you insist on a break before he goes it will look like you are punishing him for going away and making it all the harder for him. He wants to do this and it would be a loving and kind act for you to let him go with a good grace. You have the same chances of meeting someone while he is away as he has. He will be back so whoever he meets it will only be temporary, but he is taking a bigger risk because whoever you meet could last. I would not set any boundaries, just let him go and let the dust fall where it may.

mike0c

I was in a very similar situation to you a few years back. I was with a girl for 6 months when she went away on her j1. I asked her if she wanted to just cut ties before she went away and see how we felt when she returned, I didnt want to hold her back. She didnt want to break up, told me she wanted to stay together. She went off for the 3 months and had a great time. I'll be honest, it was a really difficult time for me but when she returned I think we became even closer.

Anyways, the next Summer came around and all her friends were going again, she sprung it on me at the last minute that she was thinking about going again. I thought about it for a few days and I basically had to be honest with myself. I knew I couldn't do that 3 months again, so I could let her go and then when she was gone break up with her or else tell her I couldn't do it all again and let her make the decision. I really didnt want to hold her back but I had to be honest with her so I told her. She decided not to go and ended up regretting it and resenting me for it.

I understand that your not suggesting that he doesnt go but just understand if he really wants to do something and you get in his way it will come back to bite you. If he wants to go on a break it may be that he doesnt want to hold you back, assure him he isn't and see what he wants, make sure it's what he wants. If it is a break then you deserve better and just walk away from this now. Put it like this, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want a break from him?

woodchuck

Lorna123 wrote: »

I think he is right to suggest a break. He is going away for 3 months so he feels that he cannot ask you to wait for him and he cannot guarantee that he is going to remain faithful to you. That is just him being fair and realistic. I do think, however, that he is really into you and he would like you to be there for him when he gets back, but he feels that he cannot ask you to do this without coming across as being unreasonable. If you insist on a break before he goes it will look like you are punishing him for going away and making it all the harder for him. He wants to do this and it would be a loving and kind act for you to let him go with a good grace. You have the same chances of meeting someone while he is away as he has. He will be back so whoever he meets it will only be temporary, but he is taking a bigger risk because whoever you meet could last. I would not set any boundaries, just let him go and let the dust fall where it may.

It would be a much more loving and kind act for him not to cheat on her while he's away :rolleyes: If he can't promise this, then she has every right to want to break up with him.

skooterblue2

This happened to my friend before. She went to the states and left her bf at home. She was a good girl and never even kissed a guy. As soon as she was gone he had hooked up with another girl.

I think with the amount of hormones/drink/non prescription medication/ sunshine/available members of the opposite sex/ "once in a life time opportunity" it is unreasonable for him to go and expect to return to an as was situation. I think he should think long and hard about the "Consequences and repercussions" of his actions before he goes.

Lorna123

woodchuck wrote: »

It would be a much more loving and kind act for him not to cheat on her while he's away :rolleyes: If he can't promise this, then she has every right to want to break up with him.

He can't guarantee what is going to happen when he is away, nor can he guarantee that she will be there for him when he gets back. He is just being realistic. So based on all of this I would say that she is better off to let him go without kicking up a fuss and then guage the situation when he gets back. I think myself that a break is the best thing here. It doesn't have to mean the end forever but if it is the end forever then so be it. My guess is that this man will go away for three months and then it will all be hunky dory when he gets back. I don't think he should be punished for wanting this break either, because it works both ways, she could meet someone just the same as he could but she is in the position that if she meets someone she may not want him back whereas even if he meets someone it will only be a temporary thing. It is best to leave her options open rather than laying down the law before he goes that she will not be around when he gets back. She might be glad to have him back. It will be a break anyway, no matter what terminology is used.

skooterblue2

When you remove your deposit with Interest from "Bank of Woman", regardless of what the reason, they find it very hard to reopen the Account. When you deposit your load elsewhere then you definitely cant reopen the account again. I would advise not the OP but the guy going on Holiday to weigh up the pros and cons in the long term. Its all in his court. I would definitely not put money on the OP being "open for business" when he returns regardless of whether she is single or not. If the trust is gone NOTHING will bring it back.

P. Breathnach

Lorna123 wrote: »

He can't guarantee what is going to happen when he is away, nor can he guarantee that she will be there for him when he gets back. He is just being realistic. So based on all of this I would say that she is better off to let him go without kicking up a fuss and then guage the situation when he gets back. I think myself that a break is the best thing here. It doesn't have to mean the end forever but if it is the end forever then so be it. My guess is that this man will go away for three months and then it will all be hunky dory when he gets back. I don't think he should be punished for wanting this break either, because it works both ways, she could meet someone just the same as he could but she is in the position that if she meets someone she may not want him back whereas even if he meets someone it will only be a temporary thing. It is best to leave her options open rather than laying down the law before he goes that she will not be around when he gets back. She might be glad to have him back. It will be a break anyway, no matter what terminology is used.

That's treating commitment as something that can be turned off and on again more or less at will. To my mind, that's not commitment at all.

woodchuck

Lorna123 wrote: »

He can't guarantee what is going to happen when he is away, nor can he guarantee that she will be there for him when he gets back.

There are no guarantees in life, but people in a committed relationship should be able to make this promise to one another and do their utmost to keep it. It's not like someone would be holding a gun to either of them to cheat on each other! It's just about having some self control. And 3 months really isn't that long.

Lorna123

woodchuck wrote: »

There are no guarantees in life, but people in a committed relationship should be able to make this promise to one another and do their utmost to keep it. It's not like someone would be holding a gun to either of them to cheat on each other! It's just about having some self control. And 3 months really isn't that long.

Guy never said he wanted to cheat, OP just presumes he will. Guy only suggested a break because the OP was upset about him going and threatened him with an all or nothing ultimatum.

Lorna123

P. Breathnach wrote: »

That's treating commitment as something that can be turned off and on again more or less at will. To my mind, that's not commitment at all.

It is different when the pair are being separeated for 3 months. If this wasn't the case I would not agree with a break. I think the guy is being reasonable and the OP unreasonable. I do understand that she will be lonely for the 3 months of the Summer but it will be worse if she breaks up with the guy over this, she will not only be lonely but heartbroken too.

woodchuck

Lorna123 wrote: »

Guy never said he wanted to cheat, OP just presumes he will.

I don't think the OP said that? But if you're on a break, that is giving him permission to hook up with someone else.

Guy only suggested a break because the OP was upset about him going and threatened him with an all or nothing ultimatum.

That was the impression I got initially too, but the OP clarified here that what she meant by all or nothing was that either they say committed to each other (ie don't cheat) or they break up. I don't think it's too much to ask your boyfriend of 4 years not to cheat on you while he's away for 3 months.

Lorna123

Don't wish to get into a debate with anyone over this. I have my opinion and you all have yours, all valid opinions. We all think differently and that's the bottom line.

Hope the weekend goes well for you OP and that you get what you want out of this.
Best of Luck.

OkayWhatever

My boyfriend is going on a J1 to Chicago. He has insisted, on numerous occasions, that it's not going to change anything in our relationship.

We're not going on a break and that he says that he doesn't need a break because he's going over there with his friends for the craic and the experience, and that i'm the only girl he wants. I trust him 100%.

I have asked him if he wanted a break and he's said no. If he said yes i'd be heartbroken. Knowing that he's going over there, planning on doing whatever over there with these girls. I couldn't hack it.

It's obviously up to you, but I know for a 100% fact that if my boyfriend wanted a break for when he was away, then I'd strongly consider ending the relationship. To me, it would mean him putting some meaningless sex and shenanigans ahead of our relationship, which i'm in for the long haul. And it's him going behind nearly everything he's said to me and promised me.

**Make sure that the deadline for J1 hasn't passed yet btw, because my boyfriend has had his booked since November.!

Hope you're okay OP. Because if you feel like I felt when my OH told me he was going away for 3 months, it feels really crappy and sh*t! It does get better though, honestly..x

I am a friend

I personally would not be willing to be picked up and dropped like that. If he can't keep faithful for 3 months, what are the hopes for the rest of your lives?

RandolphEsq

If you do break up it will be for the best. At your young age a long term relationship is a waste of time.