Was I right to leave?

LegacyUser

I broke up with my bf a couple of weeks ago, there were a few reasons for this. I doubt there's ever any one reason when a relationship breaks down but this was the straw that broke the camels back for me:

My now-ex's brother's partner quite obviously fancied my ex. This was a very long way from a figment of my mind in case anybody thinks that. She fancied him, plain and simple, and I wasn't the only one to notice it. Now, of course if it had stopped there that alone wouldn't have been enough to cause problems between us, but it didn't.

She regularly did things like touching him in overly intimate ways, invited him down for dinner/drinks with her and her bf SEVERAL NIGHTS A WEEK! None of the other brothers ever got this type of treatment from her. If there was ever any sort of discord between her and her bf, instead of calling one of her sisters or friends like any other woman would, she'd be straight on the phone to my ex, her partners brother!

At first I wondered was it not some sort of innocent immaturity thing going on (she's early twenties, my ex is a good bit older) and then I wondered was it not maybe a big brother sort of fascination, but after I had cause to start wondering these things I kept an eye on the situation and no, what with the moon-eyes she was gazing at him with and the bitchy nasty look on her face when I'd turn up, no, she had a little fantasy going on and my presence was obviously a fly in the ointment for her. I noticed that at family functions etc, when she'd get a few drinks on her, all this would become much more exaggerated and apparent. She's a drinker and I'm not, so I'd have my wits about me in situations like this.

The final straw was one afternoon about three weeks ago when he and I called round to their apartment. I stepped out onto the balcony to have a smoke and left the three of them in the sitting room. The double doors leading into the apartment were still open with the curtains open. Her partner walked out of the room and immediately, the moment he was gone, she moved across the room towards my partner (not realising I was looking through the open curtains and could see all this going on) and she ran her hand down the entire front of his body, from just below his collor bone to his hip bone. He stood there doing nothing like this was the most normal thing in the world. That was the end of my relationship for me.

He and I had a boiling row when we got home where he kept insisting there was "nothing going on". I told him (and I meant it) that I knew there was "nothing going on" but that had nothing to do with the fact that her behaviour was inappropriate and out of order, but he was happy to accept that carry-on out of her and if he had any respect for me he simply wouldn't. Either he's as thick as two short planks or he knew she fancied him and was happy to lap up the attention at my expense. I never said anything to her on the day because to be blunt I knew I couldn't have been trusted not to dig the fcuking head off her.

Anyway, I've accepted that the relationship is over, painful a time as this obviously is right now. I suppose I am trying to make sense of things and I would appreciate if the posters here would tell me how they would feel about this situation if they were in my shoes. I know in my heart there was no actual cheating going on, but I feel so insulted that that's just besides the point to me right now. What do you all think? Was I right to leave?

cassElliot

jesus, i'm annoyed just reading your post. can't imagine having to put up with that sort of behaviour.

how did you ex take the break up? if he was utterly devastated and was willing to fight for you then I'd probably reconsider. however the fact that he did nothing to make himself off limits to that yoke speaks volumes.

you are right to leave if he is more than happy to accept fleeting glimpses of what attention from other women is like, than he is being in a healthy committed relationship.

i wouldn't have stayed, i would want to feel incredibly important to the person i was with.

Lorna123

It would appear to me OP, reading your post, that there was something going on between that pair. You don't do that to a man if there isn't, no way. You were perfectly right to break up with your ex if he thinks you are that stupid and is prepared to act dumb, knowing full well that you are in the right. You are well rid of the two of them.

Mighty_Mouse

Your BF should set some boundaries with his brothers GF.

Do you trust your BF?
Do you expect no other girl to fancy him?
You binned a relationship due to your own trust & insecurity issues.

P. Breathnach

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Your BF should set some boundaries with his brothers GF.

Which, it seems, he failed to do. Not a nice way to treat OP or his brother.

Do you trust your BF?
Do you expect no other girl to fancy him?
You binned a relationship due to your own trust & insecurity issues.

That's harsh and, I think, unfair. She dumped a guy who did not show appropriate respect for her.

cassElliot

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Your BF should set some boundaries with his brothers GF.

Do you trust your BF?
Do you expect no other girl to fancy him?
You binned a relationship due to your own trust & insecurity issues.

wow. that kind of thinking is truly remarkable. i may be way off the mark but the OP's post seemed incredibly insightful, and to be honest, the fact that she walked away from that sort of carry on shows she doesn't have insecurity issues. she is unwilling to settle for second best.

i think she should be applauded. too many people settle for half-assed relationships for fear of being alone.

beks101

How did he react when you confronted him about that little tart putting the moves on him? Was he completely defensive and did he defend his brother's gf's behaviour? I think that would be the real teller here. If he did, he's not as innocent as you probably think.

There is a chance, albeit slim, that he didn't react out of shock and out of not wanting to cause a scene in front of both you and his brother. However his reaction during that row, and his reaction to the break-up and his actions since, might work against that idea.

Personally, I'd find it very hard to hold myself back from telling the ex's brother about the back-stabbing tramp of a girlfriend he has too, but that's up to you I suppose.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone and thank you for the responses.

Firstly, I can fully understand the reasoning of anyone who thinks there's got to be something going on. I felt I'd written long enough a post without getting into every last bit of nitty-gritty but I think one detail I left out is rather important in explaining how she managed to paint her behaviour as innocent. The thing is, the day she ran her hand down the entire front of his torso he was wearing a new jumper. He told me, during the row when I insisted on knowing what she was playing at and why he accomodated her, that she had said 'Oh that looks like lovely soft material' as she was running her hand down his front!

At other times (and these are things she did openly right infront of me) she'd walk up behind him after doing the dishes and squeeze the back of his neck to give him a fright with her wet hands. She'd place her hand lovingly on his arm and say 'Oh God' or 'Ha ha' or whatever else she could think of saying just to give herself a reason to touch him.

The thing is, she always made it her business to find an EXCUSE, so that it was never painted like a blatent come-on, and I think that day when I was on the balcony the 'Oh that looks like lovely soft material' was just another of her excuses to maul him.

The day we broke up, when we were rowing, he did not defend her behaviour as such but just maintained that she was very 'touchy feely' and always had been, and that she had never put the moves on him, so to speak. His brother got together with this girl about eighteen months ago and I noticed this behaviour start a few months after she'd been on the scene, but she was very persistent with it and it escalated from there.

To respond to the poster who said I had 'insecurity issues', I think if I had those this situation would have come to a head long before it did. The reason why I blew my stack was because she took her mawling carry-on several steps too far, deliberately waited till she was alone with him to do it, and he stood there as if there was nothing wrong with it. If one of his brothers did that to me I'd have sprung back physically as a matter of reflex, but it is obvious to me that he has allowed so much of this that by the time we broke up it was considered normal and acceptable. That to me is pure disregard for my feelings and for the relationship, and that I would never tolerate.

I don't think it's uncommon to want a bit of reassurance in the wake of a break-up, but in my heart of hearts I know I could never stay with someone who'd treat me in a manner that I would never treat him.

A couple of people asked what had occured since the break-up. The answer to that is simply nothing. There has been zero communication or attempts at communication from either side.

ABajaninCork

WasI? wrote: »

The answer to that is simply nothing. There has been zero communication or attempts at communication from either side.

I'm so sorry OP, but I guess this is the answer. Kick him to the kerb and keep walking. You were absolutely right to leave. You deserve to find someone nice who won't play games.