Boyfriend's erection problems

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been going out about 6 weeks now. We were 5 or 6 dates in the first time we had full sex and have only done it a couple of times since because my boyfriend has performance problems.
He's absolutely fine and standing to attention the whole time until it comes to actual penetration- he gets stage fright and goes soft.
I think it's all in his head- he is very shy and not very experienced with women and only lost his virginity in his early 20s.

He isn't the first boyfriend I've had these issues with (I tend to attract shy inexperienced guys) but the last one was fine in the end and we went on to have a great sex life.

I am wondering if anyone has any advice. I am trying to be patient and have reassured him and told him it doesn't matter, but it does. I did get on top of him once and basically begin having sex with him before he even realised what was happening (I'd never done that before) but I felt him lose his erection almost straightaway. It's not just nerves that are the problem- he is very average in size and so even if I try to help him by guiding it in with my hand, there just literally isn't always enough to work with. His own technique isn't great, he tends to try and start thrusting when he's only slightly in.

Aside from this everything is wonderful and it's the only problem we have so far. I am beginning to dread him initiating foreplay though because it almost always ends in disappointment. Sometimes if his hands start to wander I stop him and say I'm too tired or something because I don't want to face the disappointment. I worry that that will make him think I've given up on us ever doing it.

LegacyUser

My son had the same thing. We took him to a therapist who advised his partner to not expect anything for a while. She advised that if they just lie there naked and just cuddle or whatever he would eventually feel safe and ready.

As far as I know it worked out ok.

Dravokivich

Been in a similar position myself as a fella. Its not nessicarily down to nerves about not being able to perform, it's not having performed before. It takes time to get used to actually doing it and regularly.

When it comes to sex with him, just do everything slowly so he can get used to the feel of it. Don't shove him in as soon as he gets a hard on.

Its also confusing when you say you try to start things and then don't let him try to take a lead. How are the pair of ye going to be sexually comfortable if you keep rushing him, but also pushing him away?

LegacyUser

boydivision wrote: »

Sometimes if his hands start to wander I stop him and say I'm too tired or something because I don't want to face the disappointment.

Honestly steer clear of this... If you want this to work you need to be open and accepting even if it doesn't go as planned. The idea is to make him feel comfortable enough with you that his nervelessness/anxiety becomes less of an issue.

The key is to take it slow! Next time you's are both in bed enjoy a bit of foreplay, just hands. No oral, no sex, make this clear. Before you know it the tension will build itself to a point that he won't even think about not being able to get it up and won't psych himself out before it even starts.

Trust me, works!

R.D. aka MR.D

Just be patient. I know its extremely difficult when you're all hot and bothered.

But if he loses it all of a sudden while trying to put it in or starts thrusting then just gently say 'relax, relax I need a minute'. And keep kissing and doing everything as before and keep trying or give up for a while after more kissing.

Does he uses fingers/oral etc? Get him to do that (gently prompting) as a replacement. I'm sure he will get over it in time.

Definitely keep trying if you like him but if you don't like him enough to have to work through the issues then cut him loose.

LegacyUser

Performance anxiety is really really common... Commoner than most men will have you believe.

He know that his lack of performance doesn't bother you.. you don't want him building this anxiety up and making it worse.

Set aside some time. Take your time, have a nice evening together, relax and it will happen

LegacyUser

Echoing what was said earlier, has to be in a relaxed environment and progressive. It helps a lot too when you get him well on his way to coming as it will be harder to lose instantly and also girl on top is not the best for maintaining a hard-on as far as gravity goes I think.

Have you tried easing the nerves with a few drinks before btw?

LegacyUser

And so it continues...

We've spent several nights together since, just kissing and cuddling, and the problem remains. The other night was the first time in a while we went beyond that and all he did was just kind of press himself against me but as soon as he started doing that he went soft. I didn't put any pressure on him at all but after about half an hour of him basically dry humping me it was obvious it was going nowhere.

I'm so upset. He isn't the first boyfriend I've had these problems with and at first I thought it's just the kind of guy I attract, the quiet inexperienced type, but I'm beginning to blame myself at this stage. I always try to dress nice and look nice and always shower and groom right before going over to his/he comes to mine but I'm beginning to think that if he enjoyed the 2 times we did actually do it, it'd override his nerves.
To be honest I'm very close to just giving up as regards my appearance, I clearly just don't do it for him.
It's really getting to me, I just want a normal sex life like everyone else. Before him I had a casual relationship with someone else who I didn't like half as much, the sex was great and I miss it, and I feel so guilty for missing the sex I had with someone else.

LegacyUser

whilst I would have patience and deal with the situation delicately....enough is friggin enough! I don't get how guys are able to not perform (fair enough) but then have to walk aroudn on eggshells after, and for the girl to be expected to put in all the effort of opening up lines of communication and helping him manage HIS problem!!

I'm coming off as harsh I know...but i've had experience with this and I have to say whilst I would have patience in helping him, not putting on pressure, for him to make no effort to talk or explain the situation is brutal behaviour. So is not pleasing you after he can't get it up .

I had one boyfriend similar situation, after about 3 months of being told 'it's fine', yet only having sex the odd time, and mostly having that awkward crushing feeling when he failed to get it up, yet again....I said right, what's going on, is it me or is it u, has this happened before, if so, and it's an issue, how are u dealing with it....the guy clammed up, refused to see it was a problem and insisted that everything was ok...my next senteance was sorry, this isn't going to work. not being able to talk about the issue is the biggest problem of all.

My current boyfriend had performance problems at the beginning (so it is pretty common)....I did the things ur supposed to do, told him it's ok, it doesn't matter, cuddled, made him feel safe and relaxed. I then asked him about it, at first he went silent, but then he talked about it, said he sometimes gets nervous esp as he hasn't done it in a while.....that's what made me stay with him, the fact that he was willing to talk and accept that burying ur head in the sand and pretending nothings wrong is not the way to approach things.

So the next time in bed we were getting intimate, again it failed, and I gave him a big hug and told him I just wanted to be with him, in his bed and have him hold me and that was the most important thing for me.....well, it worked!

basically - take the pressure off, kiss him and enjoy that, and let him know that that's all you want for tonight, just to be close and intimate without sex...until he can't help himself...knowing it's off the table helps alleviate the performance anxiety.

BUT if the situation doesn't change, he doesn't talk and explain himself (which I don't see why men shouldn't have to explain...if a woman stopped having sex, there'd be questions too).....well, I'm sorry but I'd walk...I couldn't deal with the effect it was having on my self confidence and look, you're already beginning to blame yourself for this...you're doing everythign right, u're being patient and supportive and caring, now its his turn to either act, talk or walk

msg11

boydivision wrote: »

And so it continues...

We've spent several nights together since, just kissing and cuddling, and the problem remains. The other night was the first time in a while we went beyond that and all he did was just kind of press himself against me but as soon as he started doing that he went soft. I didn't put any pressure on him at all but after about half an hour of him basically dry humping me it was obvious it was going nowhere.

I'm so upset. He isn't the first boyfriend I've had these problems with and at first I thought it's just the kind of guy I attract, the quiet inexperienced type, but I'm beginning to blame myself at this stage. I always try to dress nice and look nice and always shower and groom right before going over to his/he comes to mine but I'm beginning to think that if he enjoyed the 2 times we did actually do it, it'd override his nerves.
To be honest I'm very close to just giving up as regards my appearance, I clearly just don't do it for him.
It's really getting to me, I just want a normal sex life like everyone else. Before him I had a casual relationship with someone else who I didn't like half as much, the sex was great and I miss it, and I feel so guilty for missing the sex I had with someone else.

I wouldn't go toning yourself down that's a bit drastic giving up like that on yourself. In my own option, I would class myself as inexperience I hold no great problem with telling people this, I am always willing to learn and I do tell the girls I have been with that, but I am up for what ever you wish, suppose I wouldn't have a problem getting it up, think once when I was hammered drunk I had a problem.

Come to think of it, I have a thread on here 'getting over my ex' , maybe this is why she dose not want me back (I ended it), cause of my inexperience. As another poster said if the couple in question are not going to talk about how to go from there then I dunno. When I was with her, I was eager to learn more, how to please in other ways etc.. But she never opened up or talked to me about that side of things, so I am still inexperienced. Maybe have a talk about it with him, get him to enjoy himself and stop looking at it as a task.

It's your own call, don't go putting yourself down or downgrading your appearance, that's not going to help yourself at all. Have a serious talk about it with him, I doubt changes will happen over night as these things take time. But if you really like the guy work with him on it for a while, then maybe one night let him loose so to speak, that's how I would have liked for things to have been done with me.

LegacyUser

I'm a guy OP and the same thing happened to me with the last two girls I was with. Ironically I used to always worry that I'd climax too fast and not being able to get it up was the last problem I thought I'd have.

There was one girl I quite liked a few years ago and I got hurt by and I don't know if that had an unexpected side-effect when it came to me being with other women.

The next girl I was with took it really badly when I couldn't stay hard. I felt really bad about it but I had to put aside whatever was bothering me and focus on re-assuring her. I eventually got a bit resentful as I was the one doing the re-assuring, and she was the one going silent and wouldn't speak to me. I got a bit annoyed that she turned an issue I was having into an issue about her and her to be blunt, her reaction just heaped even more pressure on and made the situation worse. I also found it a bit annoying that she didn't have a bit more self-belief. We were only together a few weeks and this sort of made sure it didn't last any longer.

The next girl I was with, was a complete 180 and so much better about it. I was honest with her and told her it had happened before and I wasn't sure why and that she was very attractive and everything. She was really patient and put no pressure on and it helped so much. I think part of my issue is that condoms can kill my erection, at least some brands. I've been "experimenting" with condomi condoms by myself and they seem better, although I haven't had sex for about a year at this stage so I haven't had the chance to test them 'in the field' so to speak.

Getting back to the last girl I was with, she was very patient. I would get raging hard-ons but when it came to putting on the condom etc, I'd lose the hard-on. After a few weeks she told me she was going on the pill. We were both clear STI wise and to be honest, her going on the pill helped massively. After that our sex life became normal I would guess, at least in my limited experience. The odd time it wouldn't co-operate but 90% of the time it was grand.

I'd say if you just stay patient, ease off the pressure, tell him you don't have to do anything, eventually it will workout. I guess in the meantime you could do other things to get each other off, like oral, massage, masturbation, sex toys and so on.

Ickle Magoo

You've only been going out six weeks and you've only had sex twice - all it takes is one bad performance for the pressure to mount each time you try to have sex again....if the pressure of performing is really getting to him, OP, then the best thing is just take sex off the menu.

Actually make a pact that you won't be having penetrative sex and just enjoy each others bodies in all the other ways you can until you are both more comfortable being intimate together.

If you really like the lad and want this relationship to go the distance, I'd also recommend you have an honest chat about what's been going on - in private but away from the bedroom - and that might help alleviate some of the tension and your concerns, too.

All the best. :cool:

LegacyUser

I can't believe this is still going on, but it is.
The relationship is pretty much over now because of it.

We went on holidays together, and while the change of scenery worked at the time, and the sex was great, things went pretty much back to normal when we got home.

He went to the doctor and got impotence pills but they work out about €10 each and we just can't afford it.

I went on the Pill so we wouldn't have to fiddle around with condoms but with no success.

I've tried and tried talking to him about his technique but he just doesn't listen. If it doesn't fall out because he's gone soft, then he's accidentally pulled the whole thing out by mistake and then wonders why it's out. I have to tell him 3 or 4 times to stop pulling the whole thing out and that kills the mood pretty quickly too. It seems that normal thrusting doesn't come naturally to him and I've tried and failed to teach him. Sorry if I sound like I'm being nasty, but I'm just so frustrated.

So yeah, the relationship is pretty much over. It's eaten into my self esteem, I can't even get my own boyfriend going. It's only out of pride that I make any effort in my appearance anymore, because I don't want people seeing me and thinking I've let myself go. I used to be mad about him and now I feel nothing but resentment. He doesn't turn me on in the slightest anymore and I don't think he's sexy anymore- when I think of him in a sexual way, all that comes into my mind are the countless failed attempts. I don't even like him touching me anymore because I know in 10 minutes time we'll be laying there after another failed attempt, feeling like crap. At this stage, the one and only reason I'm with him is because I am so lonely and he's all the company I have most of the time. I have the choice of either breaking up with him and spending the summer alone (I have few friends so he is pretty much my social life when I'm not in work) or staying with him and us both putting up with the problems.

Chucky the tree

You should definitely dump him, he'll probably deserves better than someone like you tbh.

Taltos

Chucky the tree - infracted due to personal abuse.
As per our charter this is not acceptable. Further infractions of our charter will not result in a ban.

Any advice given should be mature, contructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not.

Taltos

danslevent

OP, that sounds like a really stressful and mentally tasking relationship you were in. You tried your best with him but if now he doesn't evoke any sort of arousal in you and all you feel is resentment towards, maybe it's time to call it a day?

PerrDub

Unfortunately a man's sexual organ is not connected to an "On/Off" switch. And so many factors influence it, tiredness, alcohol and of course confidence.
All of the above can lead to lack of performance, errectile medicine can help, though if all else fails it may just be time to call it a day, life's too short, if you're not sexually compatible then just face up to it...

ibarelycare

OP I understand how frustrating this is for you and I really feel for you but the relationship is over and you have to tell him. I'm sure he's very cut up about the whole thing as well but it's very unfair if you stay with him and give him false hope that the relationship is fine. It's very selfish to not break up with him just because you don't want to be lonely. Break up with him and see it as a fresh start. Use it as an excuse to start new things and meet new people.

chocolatrose

I'm guessing his confidence is pretty much through the floor at this stage too, if not more so than yours I would imagine. At the end of the day, he is still with you so it's obviously not the fact that you are doing something wrong that he can't perform in the way that you would like. Have you thought about how this might be affecting his self esteem?? He is probably worrying a lot that he can't satisfy you which is going to perpetuate the issue for him.

Like someone else said it would be good if ye could talk openly about it in a sensitive and relaxed manner without bringing so much tension into it. You come across as awfully tense and if this is what he can pick up from you it will throw him off completely.

If you really love the guy for him, could you not take penetrative sex off the cards for awhile and concentrate on satisfying each other in other ways rather than putting all the emphasis on penetration. Maybe that could bring ye closer together and he might become more relaxed with you sexually. Eventually things might progress then. But whether you would be willing or able to do that is personal to you.

Continuing the way you are going though isn't healthy for either of ye.

P. Breathnach

chocolatrose wrote: »

... If you really love the guy for him, could you not take penetrative sex off the cards for awhile and concentrate on satisfying each other in other ways rather than putting all the emphasis on penetration....

I was about to point out that while sex is an important thing in a relationship, a good relationship involves far more than sex.

You - both of you - have a problem. It is a problem that might be fixed if you both approach it in the right way, but I will agree that finding the right way can be very difficult.

If your wish for good sex is more important to you than working with him to get through a problem, then I think that your relationship might not have a good foundation.

Piliger

I hope this doesn't fall foul of admins because someone has to say it imho.

I am 50+ and have experienced the good times and the bad times of this issue.

To those guys who have problems from time to time it is critically important not to get stressed about it. EVERY man experiences issues from time to time, from 18 to 80 ! All kinds of issues can be an influence, from general stress to health issues, to emotional issues. Sometimes guys date girls for reasons that don't help the situation either, such as dating someone because we perceive them to be desirable, or dating someone because our buddies say we should, or because of some aspect of their fashion.

But if a girl is showing impatience and is making you feel it's your fault and putting pressure on you, then either this girl needs to really get educated or you need to change girl friend. A girl who really cares about you will not have a problem with this issue. A girl who really cares about you will understand that there are a million great things to do in bed together and this is just one. A girl who has an issue will also be far happier moving on to find someone else.

The Big Red Button

Piliger wrote: »

I hope this doesn't fall foul of admins because someone has to say it imho.

I am 50+ and have experienced the good times and the bad times of this issue.

To those guys who have problems from time to time it is critically important not to get stressed about it. EVERY man experiences issues from time to time, from 18 to 80 ! All kinds of issues can be an influence, from general stress to health issues, to emotional issues. Sometimes guys date girls for reasons that don't help the situation either, such as dating someone because we perceive them to be desirable, or dating someone because our buddies say we should, or because of some aspect of their fashion.

But if a girl is showing impatience and is making you feel it's your fault and putting pressure on you, then either this girl needs to really get educated or you need to change girl friend. A girl who really cares about you will not have a problem with this issue. A girl who really cares about you will understand that there are a million great things to do in bed together and this is just one. A girl who has an issue will also be far happier moving on to find someone else.

Couldn't agree with this more.

boydivision wrote: »

I can't believe this is still going on, but it is.
The relationship is pretty much over now because of it.

We went on holidays together, and while the change of scenery worked at the time, and the sex was great, things went pretty much back to normal when we got home.

He went to the doctor and got impotence pills but they work out about €10 each and we just can't afford it.

I went on the Pill so we wouldn't have to fiddle around with condoms but with no success.

I've tried and tried talking to him about his technique but he just doesn't listen. If it doesn't fall out because he's gone soft, then he's accidentally pulled the whole thing out by mistake and then wonders why it's out. I have to tell him 3 or 4 times to stop pulling the whole thing out and that kills the mood pretty quickly too. It seems that normal thrusting doesn't come naturally to him and I've tried and failed to teach him. Sorry if I sound like I'm being nasty, but I'm just so frustrated.

So yeah, the relationship is pretty much over. It's eaten into my self esteem, I can't even get my own boyfriend going. It's only out of pride that I make any effort in my appearance anymore, because I don't want people seeing me and thinking I've let myself go. I used to be mad about him and now I feel nothing but resentment. He doesn't turn me on in the slightest anymore and I don't think he's sexy anymore- when I think of him in a sexual way, all that comes into my mind are the countless failed attempts. I don't even like him touching me anymore because I know in 10 minutes time we'll be laying there after another failed attempt, feeling like crap. At this stage, the one and only reason I'm with him is because I am so lonely and he's all the company I have most of the time. I have the choice of either breaking up with him and spending the summer alone (I have few friends so he is pretty much my social life when I'm not in work) or staying with him and us both putting up with the problems.

There are a serious amount of "I"s in this post.

But anyways, I think that the key points are your quotes, as follows:

• I used to be mad about him and now I feel nothing but resentment.
• He doesn't turn me on in the slightest anymore
• I don't think he's sexy anymore
• I don't even like him touching me anymore

and MOST OF ALL

• the one and only reason I'm with him is because I am so lonely and he's all the company I have most of the time

Do the poor lad a favour and break up with him.


The may allow both you and him to find happiness - and sexual satisfaction - with someone else.


I really can't comprehend how you could consider staying in a relationship just for companionship. There are other places to find this!


For that matter, based on what you've said and how you come across, I can't comprehend why he hasn't ended the relationship sooner, either - but anyways, I'll keep quiet on that!

ihsb

If he won't take your guidance and will not communicate about the problem then it is probably best that you break up. The ego is a fragile thing and yours has taken a beating... there is nothing mean about that, it is just what happens. You have to fix your self esteem and look after yourself. You have to go out and make friends. Do not stay with him to have company, you will end up lonelier if you were single.

Ham Sambo

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

My son had the same thing. We took him to a therapist who advised his partner to not expect anything for a while. She advised that if they just lie there naked and just cuddle or whatever he would eventually feel safe and ready.

As far as I know it worked out ok.

I’m sorry and don’t mean to be rude, but there is something ‘not right’ when a parent brings their son to a sex therapist regarding his erection problems.

Wompa1

boydivision wrote: »

So yeah, the relationship is pretty much over. It's eaten into my self esteem, I can't even get my own boyfriend going.

With this statement and saying if you break up with him you'll be lonely for the summer it makes it sounds like you are pretty selfish tbh. The guy has a sexual problem and it doesn't sound like you are the kind of partner who will encourage a change to that when you get fed up with him.

I've been in relationships in which the sex slowed down or was completely crap but it was never enough on it's own to make me want to break up and I never went looking for it somewhere else. I never seriously doubted myself either, admittedly though after over a year I became pretty frustrated but more so at the lack of wanting to keep trying on her part.

It sounds like you don't like him and are using him for his company and for you to be able to say you have a boyfriend and boost your own image. You should have a long think about whether or not you actually like this guy or if you have been settling.

Piliger

Ham Sambo wrote: »

I’m sorry and don’t mean to be rude, but there is something ‘not right’ when a parent brings their son to a sex therapist regarding his erection problems.

I don't agree. I know of a colleague of mine that did the same thing. A father does anything for his son and not all father/son relationships are as you feel they should be. My son is 19 and I wouldn't hesitate.

Ickle Magoo

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nkay1985

OP this is a situation that requires a gentle approach and lots of patience. I'm not sure that you ever approached it this way but you're certainly not doing so now. Do the lad a favour and finish the relationship. You're probably doing a lot more harm than good at this stage.