Suspicions around cheating...

OldNotWIse

sorry for "bumping" but for some reason I dont have the function for starting new threads :rolleyes:

I'm not sure of the relevance to this thread but closest I could find.

In a nutshell: I love my girlfriend but I do not trust her.

We are together almost one year. Her reputation as a player preceeded her. Different women every night, one night stands, no committment etc (I have no problem with this, to each their own and she was single at the time)

The problem began a while ago when I found out (I always knew but only just asked recently) that shortly after we met (about 2 weeks, after we had sex but before we made a solid committment to each other) that she slept with someone else while I was away. I decided to let it go given that technically she had done nothing wrong as we weren't exclusive at the time (even though I assumed an implied exclusivity on the grounds that we had slept together) but I find it very difficult to trust her now and have (to my shame ) done some snooping since.

I have found:

texts in her phone asking if she "wears short skirts" - she said it was friends winding her up

a call to someone saved as "name: name of nightclub" - an old number that she dialled by mistake

two visits to her two exes fb pages - I haven't asked her about

a visit to an escort agency site - helping a friend set up an account

The thing is, I believe her but there's a part of me that thinks, "ah ye feckin' mug were you born yesterday?"

She tells me she loves me and wants to spend her life with me, that she has changed since she met the "right person". I want to be with her and make it work but I know I can't continue always second guessing her, snooping and worrying what if she gets drunk and ends up with someone else? I know snooping is horrible and I hate the person I have become...

Gilldog

OldNotWIse wrote: »

sorry for "bumping" but for some reason I dont have the function for starting new threads :rolleyes:

I'm not sure of the relevance to this thread but closest I could find.

In a nutshell: I love my girlfriend but I do not trust her.

We are together almost one year. Her reputation as a player preceeded her. Different women every night, one night stands, no committment etc (I have no problem with this, to each their own and she was single at the time)

The problem began a while ago when I found out (I always knew but only just asked recently) that shortly after we met (about 2 weeks, after we had sex but before we made a solid committment to each other) that she slept with someone else while I was away. I decided to let it go given that technically she had done nothing wrong as we weren't exclusive at the time (even though I assumed an implied exclusivity on the grounds that we had slept together) but I find it very difficult to trust her now and have (to my shame ) done some snooping since.

I have found:

texts in her phone asking if she "wears short skirts" - she said it was friends winding her up

a call to someone saved as "name: name of nightclub" - an old number that she dialled by mistake

two visits to her two exes fb pages - I haven't asked her about

a visit to an escort agency site - helping a friend set up an account

The thing is, I believe her but there's a part of me that thinks, "ah ye feckin' mug were you born yesterday?"

She tells me she loves me and wants to spend her life with me, that she has changed since she met the "right person". I want to be with her and make it work but I know I can't continue always second guessing her, snooping and worrying what if she gets drunk and ends up with someone else? I know snooping is horrible and I hate the person I have become...

Hi OldNotWise, just a heads up - you might get a better response to this in Personal Issues.

As for my 2 cents - I think you know yourself that the trust isn't there, the snooping and generally second guessing is because of what you have discovered, but perhaps there were other signs.

It sounds like she is saying all the 'right' things but not really meaning them. The fact that she slept with another woman so soon after you two were together is a shaky start to a relationship.

You need to confront her about this and get answers, because you will drive yourself mad constantly questioning everything. IMO a relationship without trust is not worth it. If she wants to be with you then she needs to know your boundaries re;flirting/ texting other women.

If she is unwilling to stick to this then she is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship.
Good luck.

OldNotWIse

Gilldog wrote: »

Hi OldNotWise, just a heads up - you might get a better response to this in Personal Issues.

As for my 2 cents - I think you know yourself that the trust isn't there, the snooping and generally second guessing is because of what you have discovered, but perhaps there were other signs.

It sounds like she is saying all the 'right' things but not really meaning them. The fact that she slept with another woman so soon after you two were together is a shaky start to a relationship.

You need to confront her about this and get answers, because you will drive yourself mad constantly questioning everything. IMO a relationship without trust is not worth it. If she wants to be with you then she needs to know your boundaries re;flirting/ texting other women.

If she is unwilling to stick to this then she is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship.
Good luck.

Thanks for that. The problem is that what she is saying could quite possibly be true. Perhaps it was her friends taking the p*ss and the FB thing lets be honest who hasn't looked at their ex's page. Re sleeping with someone else, she told me it was a drunken mistake and we were not "technically" together and that she regretted it blah de blah (and she didnt tell me because she knew at that stage I would walk away)

So I have confronted her and those are her answers. I think now its up to me to accept those answers and move on or not accept them... as a close friend said to me, "you can either forget what happened and stay with her...or leave - but you cannot stay with her if you are always going to be thinking about it" I just dont know if I should accept her explanations or not...

baby and crumble

Hi OP I have moved these posts to a thread here in PI, I think you'll get a better response here.

Hi to the PI mods!

B&C

Gilldog

I think your friend is right...and perhaps you know yourself what to do next. If you decide to continue with this relationship you must be clear with her about what you are willing to accept from her, and what you consider to be disrespecful behaviour. After that you need to rebuild the trust.

Perhaps have a talk with her about how all thats gone on has made you feel, and that you want to want to be with her but need assurances that she will put in the effort also, and that she understands that your insecurities about the relationship are not unfounded and are based on these questionable things that have happened.

After that if she screws up again you need to question whether it is worth it for you. Hope it all works out.

sam1111

OldNotWIse wrote: »

as a close friend said to me, "you can either forget what happened and stay with her...or leave - but you cannot stay with her if you are always going to be thinking about it" I just dont know if I should accept her explanations or not...

That basically sums it up. Her explanations could very well be true. She may have accidently called a strange number. We all snoop on facebook pages. I don't think your being foolish in accepting these explanations. I wouldn't bother bringing it up again if she has already explained herself. If situations like this persist then I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms that your gonna walk away. But if deep down you don't trust her then it won't work.

Just realise you deserve in return what you put in, don't settle for anything less.

OldNotWIse

sam1111 wrote: »

That basically sums it up. Her explanations could very well be true. She may have accidently called a strange number. We all snoop on facebook pages. I don't think your being foolish in accepting these explanations. I wouldn't bother bringing it up again if she has already explained herself. If situations like this persist then I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms that your gonna walk away. But if deep down you don't trust her then it won't work.

Just realise you deserve in return what you put in, don't settle for anything less.

Thanks for this. Yeah thats what I was thinking regarding these issues. I have already confronted her, I can't keep doing it. I know I should also stop snooping, but the fact that every time I snoop I find something means that if I dont snoop, I'm thinking, "well what am I missing?" :rolleyes: Gawd I am really wrecking my own head now :rolleyes:

Chinafoot

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I know I should also stop snooping, but the fact that every time I snoop I find something means that if I dont snoop, I'm thinking, "well what am I missing?"

OP, I'm sorry but this is no way to conduct a relationship with anyone. You don't trust her, simple as that. If you don't trust her I don't see how you can have a happy relationship with her.

If it was me I would end it. No trust = no relationship.

ihsb

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I know I should also stop snooping, but the fact that every time I snoop I find something means that if I dont snoop, I'm thinking, "well what am I missing?" :rolleyes: Gawd I am really wrecking my own head now :rolleyes:

I think most of us have been there. You feel like there is something she is hiding and then it turns out that she is. Trust is really important in a relationship. You need to sit down with her again. Tell her you have been snooping and explain why.

If she gets all high and mighty about it then she obviously doesn't understand the situation that she has put you in. If you talk about it (don't let her make you feel crazy) then she might see that some of her actions would make you feel like she has something to hide!

Hopefully she will stop doing some of the things that make you insecure and you can agree to try to stop snooping. This way you cant try to rebuild the trust.

username123

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I know I should also stop snooping, but the fact that every time I snoop I find something means that if I dont snoop, I'm thinking, "well what am I missing?" :rolleyes: Gawd I am really wrecking my own head now :rolleyes:

Youre wrecking your own head and turning into a person that you no doubt do not want to be. If you dont have trust you dont have a relationship.

Who do you love more, yourself or your gf? Because if you love you more, then stop wrecking your own head and get with someone who makes you feel on top of the world, not someone who turns you into a head wrecked snooper.

OldNotWIse

Chinafoot wrote: »

OP, I'm sorry but this is no way to conduct a relationship with anyone. You don't trust her, simple as that. If you don't trust her I don't see how you can have a happy relationship with her.

If it was me I would end it. No trust = no relationship.

You dont have to apologise, I didn't post here to hear what I want, I value all feedback. Yes you are right I dont trust her, but it's because of her conduct. I trusted her before I found out all this stuff!

WhyGoBald

OldNotWIse wrote: »

You dont have to apologise, I didn't post here to hear what I want, I value all feedback. Yes you are right I dont trust her, but it's because of her conduct. I trusted her before I found out all this stuff!

No, you didn't, or you wouldn't have spied on her. I thought you said you were ashamed of it?

The fact that she was with someone else while you were dating would be an issue with many people, and that is the thing that is still troubling you. Therefore, you have to deal with it, and that doesn't mean watching her every move, it means talking it through with her. If you feel your values are still compatible and you can stay in the relationship, you're going to have to trust her unless you are given reason not to. Otherwise, do yourselves both a favour and leave. Monitoring someone's every communication is not acceptable, nor is it the way you should be living your life.

OldNotWIse

WhyGoBald wrote: »

No, you didn't, or you wouldn't have spied on her. I thought you said you were ashamed of it?

The fact that she was with someone else while you were dating would be an issue with many people, and that is the thing that is still troubling you. Therefore, you have to deal with it, and that doesn't mean watching her every move, it means talking it through with her. If you feel your values are still compatible and you can stay in the relationship, you're going to have to trust her unless you are given reason not to. Otherwise, do yourselves both a favour and leave. Monitoring someone's every communication is not acceptable, nor is it the way you should be living your life.

I trusted her until I found out that she slept with someone else shortly after we met... Then the doubt started to creep in... I never snooped before that. It was finding out (or rather, always knowing but finally getting clarification) that she had (in my opinion, not hers) betrayed me early on in the relationship. This is what has lead to me continuing to doubt her now...

I know monitoring her is not acceptable, but viewing exes on facebook and visiting escort agency websites also falls under "not acceptable" and I would even go so far as to say "less acceptable"

I know this is not the way to live my life...perhaps I just need to find the strength to leave. The problem is, I still love her and its so hard to leave someone you love.

OldNotWIse

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I trusted her until I found out that she slept with someone else shortly after we met... Then the doubt started to creep in... I never snooped before that. It was finding out (or rather, always knowing but finally getting clarification) that she had (in my opinion, not hers) betrayed me early on in the relationship. This is what has lead to me continuing to doubt her now...

I know monitoring her is not acceptable, but viewing exes on facebook and visiting escort agency websites also falls under "not acceptable" and I would even go so far as to say "less acceptable"

I know this is not the way to live my life...perhaps I just need to find the strength to leave. The problem is, I still love her and its so hard to leave someone you love.

Apologies if this came across as bitch or reactionary, I know you were just trying to help. I am having problems channeling my anger these days and perhaps it was somewhat misplaced.

Beruthiel

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I trusted her until I found out that she slept with someone else shortly after we met...

If it was only shortly after ye met, than perhaps ye were not mutually exclusive at that stage?

Either way ONW, this is not a healthy relationship you have got here.
Snooping through her stuff is a breach of trust.
If you do not trust her, then what kind of relationship is it?

OldNotWIse

Beruthiel wrote: »

If it was only shortly after ye met, than perhaps ye were not mutually exclusive at that stage?

Either way ONW, this is not a healthy relationship you have got here.
Snooping through her stuff is a breach of trust.
If you do not trust her, then what kind of relationship is it?

I know, we were not technically exclusive at that point and I agree she did nothing wrong. Tbh I thought I had made my peace with it but seems to be making me insecure and causing problems. I know I was wrong to snoop but I am not entirely to blame. Like going through your partners phone and finding out they were cheating - yes it was wrong to snoop but look at the bigger picture - it was wrong to cheat! Two wrongs of course do not make a right but lets not forget she is no angel. The fact that I was wrong to snoop does not negate her wrongdoings either.

WhyGoBald

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I know, we were not technically exclusive at that point and I agree she did nothing wrong. Tbh I thought I had made my peace with it but seems to be making me insecure and causing problems. I know I was wrong to snoop but I am not entirely to blame. Like going through your partners phone and finding out they were cheating - yes it was wrong to snoop but look at the bigger picture - it was wrong to cheat! Two wrongs of course do not make a right but lets not forget she is no angel. The fact that I was wrong to snoop does not negate her wrongdoings either.

No, the bigger picture is that you don't trust her. Why, if she did nothing wrong?

You have to address the fact that you have a problem with her seeing someone else. Anything else, and you are being dishonest with yourself and in your attempts to rationalise the fact that you are spying on your partner and fully intend to continue doing so. If you are unwilling to directly address the problem in your relationship, what is it worth?

OldNotWIse

WhyGoBald wrote: »

No, the bigger picture is that you don't trust her. Why, if she did nothing wrong?

You have to address the fact that you have a problem with her seeing someone else. Anything else, and you are being dishonest with yourself and in your attempts to rationalise the fact that you are spying on your partner and fully intend to continue doing so. If you are unwilling to directly address the problem in your relationship, what is it worth?

Yeah you're right, I suppose I am just unsure how to approach it. When I asked her about these incidents before, I suppose I was quite confrontational and reactionary. She did explain them and from an outside view I guess the explanations made sense, so I feel like I cannot ask her about them again. My relationship with her means so much to me. I do love her so much and she has gone above and beyond to stay with me (when we met she was coming to the end of her visa stay here, and had planned to return home) She has started a masters course now so that she can continue her studies here and stay in the country. I know this is a huge sacrifice for her and I know she would not do it if she did not want to stay. I also keep reminding myself that really, if someone wants to be with other people, they can just leave the person they are with. She's not the type of person to stay with someone out of sympathy or nostalgia or the hope that things will change - she is practical and realistic (not cold, but not a hopeless romantic like me) so if she wanted to be with other people, I know she could leave, no problem - she wouldn't be bothered putting so much effort into sneaking around to save my feelings or preserve what we have. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I do love her and want things to work and I have made a promise to myself not to snoop any more. Aside from the fact that it's unhealthy and will eventually push her away, its veering on creepy! :eek:

OldNotWIse

So, out last night with a somewhat mutual friend. The friend (let's call her M) told me after a couple of drinks that she is in love with me and wants me to leave my gf and be with her (she had it all planned, even down to the trips we can take together with our dogs) which was weird to say the least. She was on my case all night about it, getting me alone at every possible opportunity and asking me when I was going to leave my gf for her. Things went rapidly downhill when we hit a nightclub and more drink was consumed. Then my gf started acting really strange, disinterested. M took me aside and said that my gf had told her some weird stuff. I had to press her to get the info from her, she kept saying, "well why should I tell you, she will just deny everything". Eventually she said that my gf told her she doesn't love me. When I asked her she denied it. Then later M told me my gf told her she was still in love with her and loved her more than me. I cannot believe this has happened. I cannot figure out if she is telling the truth or if she is deliberately trying to cause trouble between us (lets face it, she has an ulterior motive). So confused this morning

username123

I dont mean to come across as just dismissive, and I dont know what age you are etc... but quite honestly, your life comes across as full of far too much drama and if I were you Id be trying to cut down on that amount of drama and Id be distancing myself from people who behave inappropriately - such as a supposed friend making dramatic declarations of love while in the company of both yourself and your partner. I would not choose to be friends with someone like this myself and I would be very wary of someone who chose this type of person as a friend.

Perhaps you are someone who thrives on drama, but it doesnt tend to make for a nice quiet life of peace and harmony with someone.

OldNotWIse

username123 wrote: »

I dont mean to come across as just dismissive, and I dont know what age you are etc... but quite honestly, your life comes across as full of far too much drama and if I were you Id be trying to cut down on that amount of drama and Id be distancing myself from people who behave inappropriately - such as a supposed friend making dramatic declarations of love while in the company of both yourself and your partner. I would not choose to be friends with someone like this myself and I would be very wary of someone who chose this type of person as a friend.

Perhaps you are someone who thrives on drama, but it doesnt tend to make for a nice quiet life of peace and harmony with someone.

You think I "thrive" on drama? Sorry where in my post do I look like I am having fun? The two people involved in last night's events were my partner and a (supposed) friend. Nobody in their right mind wants this to happen and nobody in their right mind will "thrive" on it when it does (unless of course you consider near debilitating panic attacks and a sleepless night "thriving") It's not like they are just some random, melodramatic teens - they happen to be important people in my life. I did not deliberately go and seek out a friend who was going to try to come between my partner and myself. By the way I am 28 and my partner is 31, friend 30.

Chinafoot

Someone declares undying love for you, wants you to leave your partner and then tells you your partner doesn't love you...yeah, I'm sure she's being totally honest with you there :rolleyes:

The fact that you are entertaining what this "friend" told you really just shows the complete lack of trust you have in your partner.

I'm really surprised at the ages of all involved tbh. This all sounds very secondary school to me.

username123

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Nobody in their right mind wants this to happen and nobody in their right mind will "thrive" on it when it does (unless of course you consider near debilitating panic attacks and a sleepless night "thriving")

Well then you need to exclude all these overly dramatic and inappropriate people from your life - including your gf whom you do not trust because it only creates more drama to be snooping, worrying, obsessing on what she is up to etc...

Certainly if myself and my husband were somewhere and a mutual friend declared his love I would rebut the advance, tell my husband that we were leaving and get the hell out of dodge. I most certainly would not go on to another nightclub with M, consume more drink and pay any attention to more rubbish from M - this behaviour from your side is what makes me suspect you are enjoying the drama. Is it not disrespectful to your partner to carry on to a club with your partner and someone who is trying to come between you both?

So your own actions would indicate that you are not taking any steps to halt the drama - and that includes staying in a relationship where you do not trust your partner.

OldNotWIse

Chinafoot wrote: »

Someone declares undying love for you, wants you to leave your partner and then tells you your partner doesn't love you...yeah, I'm sure she's being totally honest with you there :rolleyes:

The fact that you are entertaining what this "friend" told you really just shows the complete lack of trust you have in your partner.

I'm really surprised at the ages of all involved tbh. This all sounds very secondary school to me.

Secondary school??? Thats a bit of a cheap dig I think It's hardly my fault she declared this and anyone who suggests that they would shrug off such an incidence and immediately cancel everyone involved from their lives forever might be fooling themselves but not me. Sorry but I dont understand why you just came on here to have go at me.

M is of course cancelled from my life, I never want to see or hear from her again. But I am not going to dump my partner for this.

OldNotWIse

username123 wrote: »

Well then you need to exclude all these overly dramatic and inappropriate people from your life - including your gf whom you do not trust because it only creates more drama to be snooping, worrying, obsessing on what she is up to etc...

Certainly if myself and my husband were somewhere and a mutual friend declared his love I would rebut the advance, tell my husband that we were leaving and get the hell out of dodge. I most certainly would not go on to another nightclub with M, consume more drink and pay any attention to more rubbish from M - this behaviour from your side is what makes me suspect you are enjoying the drama. Is it not disrespectful to your partner to carry on to a club with your partner and someone who is trying to come between you both?

So your own actions would indicate that you are not taking any steps to halt the drama - and that includes staying in a relationship where you do not trust your partner.

I simply didn't want to create a scene when she told me. Is that so wrong? I didn't think she was going to charge ahead and concoct such a nsaty plan of pitting people against each other for her own gain (which I have learned today given that she was stupid enough to tell my friend about her "plan" to get me) I can assure you I did not enjoy the drama, though I suspect nothing I tell you will convince you of this so I am not going to waste my time trying to. I have never felt so sh1t in my entire life as I did last night. She is well and truly cancelled, but I love my partner and want to work things out with her, and I think that we can.

Chinafoot

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Secondary school??? Thats a bit of a cheap dig I think It's hardly my fault she declared this and anyone who suggests that they would shrug off such an incidence and immediately cancel everyone involved from their lives forever might be fooling themselves but not me. Sorry but I dont understand why you just came on here to have go at me.

I'm not having a go at all. I am telling you that it all sounds extremely immature.

Nobody is suggesting you needed to "shrug off" the incident but you haven't exaclty done anything to help the situation. As username123 queried, why did you go on to a nightclub with this woman when she was doing her best to get you to leave your girlfriend?

Its not your fault that this woman caused problems between you and your girlfriend last night, it's not your fault that your girlfriend's conduct has caused you to snoop....Try to take some responsibility for your own relationship.

Can you not see that the fact you're doubting your girlfriend's denials in these ridiculous circumstances just shows that there really no trust between you whatsoever?

username123

I agree with chinafoot, it all sounds very immature and you need to take responsibility for your own actions in this relationship.

I dont understand how going home with your partner constitutes causing a scene, nor how causing a scene would even matter given the circumstances - ie, cancelling the friendship anyway?

Youre quite defensive about it all, in the face of what seem to me to be reasonably neutral and not unkindly worded posts.

If you think you can work things out then why did you post today on the issue and state you are confused? Or have you just decided that over the course of the day? What about the next drama? Or continued snooping? It just sounds a bit like sweeping things under the carpet rather than dealing with them.

OldNotWIse

Chinafoot wrote: »

I'm not having a go at all. I am telling you that it all sounds extremely immature.

Nobody is suggesting you needed to "shrug off" the incident but you haven't exaclty done anything to help the situation. As username123 queried, why did you go on to a nightclub with this woman when she was doing her best to get you to leave your girlfriend?

Its not your fault that this woman caused problems between you and your girlfriend last night, it's not your fault that your girlfriend's conduct has caused you to snoop....Try to take some responsibility for your own relationship.

Can you not see that the fact you're doubting your girlfriend's denials in these ridiculous circumstances just shows that there really no trust between you whatsoever?

So to clarify, you think it is my fault that this girl hit on me? Next you'll be saying I must have been wearing provocative clothes.... How exactly am I responsible for her conduct? And I have already explained why I went on to the club with them, because I didn't want to create a big dramatic scene and I had no idea she had such a warped plan concocted plan. Anyway, I dont know why I am justifying myself to you. I appreciate your feedback but tbh, being told that everything is my own doing (even other people's immature actions) is not particularly helpful. Thanks anyway.

OldNotWIse

username123 wrote: »

I agree with chinafoot, it all sounds very immature and you need to take responsibility for your own actions in this relationship.

I dont understand how going home with your partner constitutes causing a scene, nor how causing a scene would even matter given the circumstances - ie, cancelling the friendship anyway?

Youre quite defensive about it all, in the face of what seem to me to be reasonably neutral and not unkindly worded posts.

If you think you can work things out then why did you post today on the issue and state you are confused? Or have you just decided that over the course of the day? What about the next drama? Or continued snooping? It just sounds a bit like sweeping things under the carpet rather than dealing with them.

I would have to explain why we were cutting the night short... My gf has told me since (after we have sat down sober and talked it through) that if she knew M's plan and actions, she would have had it out with her. Do you think that would be a scene?

So nobody is allowed to post on boards unless they are 100% sure their relationship is over? What is wrong with a little uncertainty? Is that not allowed on here or something? And is it ok to ask other people's opinions without an onslaught of "you brought it on yourself"?

Chinafoot

OldNotWIse wrote: »

So to clarify, you think it is my fault that this girl hit on me? Next you'll be saying I must have been wearing provocative clothes....

Wow. Way to twist what I said. Also, as a survivor of sexual assualt I find your "provocative clothes" comment to be hideously offensive. If you actually read what I said, I was referring to your inability to see the role you play in your own relationship. Everything is everyone else's doing. This is an immature attitude to have.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

How exactly am I responsible for her conduct?

Nobody said you are responsible for her conduct. You are however responsible for your response to her conduct.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

And I have already explained why I went on to the club with them, because I didn't want to create a big dramatic scene and I had no idea she had such a warped plan concocted plan.

Oh come on OP. You didn't want a dramatic scene so instead you continued the night (and alcohol consumption) with this woman despite her attempts to get you to dump your partner. By not removing yourself from the situation it escalated to involving your parnter directly. You could have easily told your parntner that you wanted to go home and explain it to her after you left.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Anyway, I dont know why I am justifying myself to you. I appreciate your feedback but tbh, being told that everything is my own doing (even other people's immature actions) is not particularly helpful. Thanks anyway.

You know what's not going to be helpful for you OP? Your extreme, overreaction to posts that don't tell you exactly what you want to hear. If your reaction here is any indication of how you behave in person when things aren't going your way then you really need to take a good look at yourself.

Good luck.

OldNotWIse

Chinafoot wrote: »

Wow. Way to twist what I said. Also, as a survivor of sexual assualt I find your "provocative clothes" comment to be hideously offensive. If you actually read what I said, I was referring to your inability to see the role you play in your own relationship. Everything is everyone else's doing. This is an immature attitude to have.





Nobody said you are responsible for her conduct. You are however responsible for your response to her conduct.




Oh come on OP. You didn't want a dramatic scene so instead you continued the night (and alcohol consumption) with this woman despite her attempts to get you to dump your partner. By not removing yourself from the situation it escalated to involving your parnter directly. You could have easily told your parntner that you wanted to go home and explain it to her after you left.




You know what's not going to be helpful for you OP? Your extreme, overreaction to posts that don't tell you exactly what you want to hear. If your reaction here is any indication of how you behave in person when things aren't going your way then you really need to take a good look at yourself.

Good luck.

Thank you for your helpful advice. Not to turn this into a warpred competition but I am also a survivor of abuse, and I frankly find it revolting that you would use this as some kind of card that you can play on boards...

I certainly do not wish to have any more correspondance with someone who could stoop so low.

Chinafoot

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Thank you for your helpful advice. Not to turn this into a warpred competition but I am also a survivor of abuse, and I frankly find it revolting that you would use this as some kind of card that you can play on boards...

I certainly do not wish to have any more correspondance with someone who could stoop so low.

Post reported.

username123

OP - you need to be a little more open minded.

Your posts are screaming 'hands over ears LA LA LA LA LA' - you just dont want to hear what is being said to you, instead wanting to make daft excuses for your behaviour as though its rational.

Your own behaviour is what needs to be addressed. Why? Because you cant control the behaviour of other people, only yourself.

So only you can stop the snooping, only you can choose to walk away from a situation with someone inappropriately declaring love, only you can decide to trust your gf or not.

I would ask why you posted here, if all you are interested in is hearing what you want to hear, surely it was an objective view you are looking for? You are taking what people say way too personally, I am making observations on your behaviour, not on you as a person.

LittleBook

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Then later M told me my gf told her she was still in love with her and loved her more than me.

Is "M" your girlfriend's ex?

OldNotWIse wrote: »

she was stupid enough to tell my friend about her "plan" to get me

"M" told another friend that she was trying to break you and your girlfriend up so she could have you?

Taltos

All - can you all take a few or more steps back here.

While this is an emotional topic OP please realise that the posters here are taking time out of their lives to try and help you.
Sometimes that help might cut a little close to the bone - but the great thing is you can choose to ignore any piece of advice you choose.

We really do expect folk to try to stay civil here - accusing a poster of using their past abuse as a card to be played is just not acceptable and never will be. I am going to discuss this with the other mods to determine if we need to take further action on this - I can't stress how seriously I view that post.

If anyone has an issue with another poster - use the report button, it is not OK to pull a thread (even if that thread is your own) off topic by engaging in personal attacks.

For the moment this thread is remaining open, we may yet close it or take further action pending a review by the team.

Taltos

Taltos

Thread closed.

OP - next time someone shares a part of themselves with you please treat them and that action with the respect it and they deserve. While boards is anonymous it still takes a fair amount of guts to open up as Chinafoot has done in an attempt to help you.

In the meantime please re-read the advice you have been given - it is all valid and even if it is telling you something you don't want to hear does not make it any less correct.

Chinafoot - sorry you have had this experience.

Taltos