can't stand going home

starrynightsky

this sounds awful but I just don't like going home to see my mother and I avoid it as much as I can. Usually we end up bickering and the whole experience is taxing. She criticises my personal life and makes insulting comments and if I try to defend my case or make it clear that she is being unreasonable and hurting my feelings she pretends like she doesn't know what I'm talking about and that she never said anything of the sort. I've genuinely and in a non-confrontational way tried to explain that I know she cares about me but that she doesn't need to make snidy comments about my life, but she says I'm being ridiculous or a drama queen.. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm a perfectly functional and happy woman in her 30's. I barely get any time off work and when I do I find it very difficult to force myself to spend time with my mother when I know it makes me feel terrible and drains me of my positive energy. She's on her own and I also feel terrible if I don't go...is anyone out there in the same boat?
I've tried organising nice things for us to do but its difficult because she usually doesn't want to do anything out of the ordinary, plus there's money and time constraints..

LegacyUser

yeah my mother was the same... she put me down so much i had to cut her out of my life


i would say try and sit her down in a calm rational way and tell her how she makes u feel and u dont like coming home bcos of her treatment of u


other than that i dont know what to suggest

LegacyUser

with you there, op. for slightly different reasons than you've stated, as in my mother was abusive when i was younger and lots of other family baggage, but anyway, i'm also in my 30's and find going to see the folks very tough on my mental health. it's amazing how we stand for difficult or hurtful behaviour from our mothers that we wouldn't from anyone else, isn't it?!

i was recommended a book by a friend it's called 'coping with a difficult older parent' or 'coping with difficult older parents', can't just remember off hand as my sister has it at the moment but i got it online from the book depository. i think it's on amazon as well. it's a bit ''american'' but it's very good on tips how to stand back and deal with the difficult behaviour without all the emotional baggage of the mother/child relationship.

hondasam

starrynightsky wrote: »

this sounds awful but I just don't like going home to see my mother and I avoid it as much as I can. Usually we end up bickering and the whole experience is taxing. She criticises my personal life and makes insulting comments and if I try to defend my case or make it clear that she is being unreasonable and hurting my feelings she pretends like she doesn't know what I'm talking about and that she never said anything of the sort. I've genuinely and in a non-confrontational way tried to explain that I know she cares about me but that she doesn't need to make snidy comments about my life, but she says I'm being ridiculous or a drama queen.. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm a perfectly functional and happy woman in her 30's. I barely get any time off work and when I do I find it very difficult to force myself to spend time with my mother when I know it makes me feel terrible and drains me of my positive energy. She's on her own and I also feel terrible if I don't go...is anyone out there in the same boat?
I've tried organising nice things for us to do but its difficult because she usually doesn't want to do anything out of the ordinary, plus there's money and time constraints..

Is this a recent thing or have you always had a difficult relationship with her?
Would there be a possibility she is not well, maybe depressed, does she do things on her own when you are not there?
Unfortunately people tend to take out their frustration on those closest to them,I'm sure you have tried talking to her, maybe skip a few visits and see what her reaction is.

LegacyUser

Me too, and its so hard not to feel guilty. I never know what type of mood she is going to be in. When she is not in bad humour she is grand and you can chat and get along fine with her. When something puts her in bad form she looks for someone to let rip at and thats usually me and the things she says are so terrible. She has this ability to make me feel so crap about myself and its weird because I am confident and would never allow anyone else to bring me down but she can. We live close by I try and keep visits to when someone else is there and I hightail it out of there if she is in a mood.
I do feel guilty as my parents are getting older but I really dont want my kids to see her treat me so crap and me getting upset.

LegacyUser

me, too, wrote: »

Me too, and its so hard not to feel guilty. I never know what type of mood she is going to be in. When she is not in bad humour she is grand and you can chat and get along fine with her. When something puts her in bad form she looks for someone to let rip at and thats usually me and the things she says are so terrible. She has this ability to make me feel so crap about myself and its weird because I am confident and would never allow anyone else to bring me down but she can. We live close by I try and keep visits to when someone else is there and I hightail it out of there if she is in a mood.
I do feel guilty as my parents are getting older but I really dont want my kids to see her treat me so crap and me getting upset.

I know exactly how you feel. I have had to cut off 4 family members, it has hurt like hell, and still does, but there is nothing I, or you, can do when somwone is that volatile. I get so fed up of tiptoeing around people just to see what mood I might get, it wore me down.

You work and have kids of your own, they are your family now and all you have to do is keep them healthy and happy so as not to lwet history repeat itself when you're the old mother and they're visiting you.

It's hard, a feels like the biggest split up of my life, but I know it's for the best, for both parties involved.

If you're not at this point yet, have you other siblings to discuss this with, is she like this with other family members too.

Neyite

I have found that a parent (especially a mother) living alone can be trying. My mother does not mix a lot with the neighbours and prides herself on being above all the town gossip yet I find she gossips about her childrens lives - often I hear things that I am pretty sure my siblings told her in confidence. To be honest, local gossip would be preferable.

My mother loves to have opinions on everything, so I simply tell her the small stuff. I dont really discuss my relationship, except to maybe tell her about somewhere nice we are going, or somewhere nice we have been or something funny that happened. I dont discuss problems/fights or future plans my partner and I have. I never told her when we started trying for a baby nor when we had to start fertility treatment, only told her when I was 14 weeks along and announcing it to everybody anyway.

Dont fill her in on your personal life - for instance stick to inconsequential stuff like you went out with a friend for a night out and went to such and such a place, but dont give her details of the guy you started dating - it only invites critisism.

I fill her in on the mundane work stuff (projects I work on, colleagues I work with etc) but dont get into career plans, or work problems. For instance, when I have an exam coming up I dont tell her until the last minute if possible because she will only "worry" and light candles and try to give me study tips and generally wreck my head a bit.

I dont tell her any medical stuff whatsoever, until its resolved. It might sound like I tell her nothing, but we do chat non stop - her mostly filling me in (for the 4th time!) about something that is going on in a siblings life. I'm starting to hear a lot about their work projects so I reckon they are doing the same as me.

You shouldnt feel bad about dreading the visit. You are not supposed to be her entire social existence. I found I had to deliberatly pull back so that my mother would develop her own hobbies and circle of friends. Its still hard but otherwise they live for you coming and expect more and more from you.

LegacyUser

carefulconsideration wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel. I have had to cut off 4 family members, it has hurt like hell, and still does, but there is nothing I, or you, can do when somwone is that volatile. I get so fed up of tiptoeing around people just to see what mood I might get, it wore me down.

You work and have kids of your own, they are your family now and all you have to do is keep them healthy and happy so as not to lwet history repeat itself when you're the old mother and they're visiting you.

It's hard, a feels like the biggest split up of my life, but I know it's for the best, for both parties involved.

If you're not at this point yet, have you other siblings to discuss this with, is she like this with other family members too.

It is so wearing I dont want to cut her out because its not something I am 100% comfortable with and when she is not in one of her humours she can be so good, its like two different people. Also I am not sure its the best example to set for my children but then again nor is been a doormat for someone. I made up my mind years ago when she would start arguments on a weekly if not more basis that I was not going to partake in them and decided to leave when she started. The problem is when something happens that she has no control over usually with extended family her inlaws, it drives her mad. These situations which usually have nothing to do with her somehow in her head become all about her. It doesnt matter what it is if its a death/illness whatever she wants to know it all and be involved and then starts rakeing up old slights of which there were many she actually was badly treated by them. The trouble is she cant really vent to them so I get it. She also has issues with my sibling an ex spouse again they will never get the rants I will. She has now developed a way of getting the row going before I can get out the door. She will throw some awful insult which hurts and will make me defensive and I end up shouting. After managing for over a decade not to be drawn in by her, this to me is a major set back it happened twice in one year infront of my children. She is basically able to get to me because she makes horrible personal comments and I suppose because its my own parent saying them and I know she would never say them to any of my other siblings then it makes me feel like I am horrible.

As for my siblings a couple live away and have little time for her. Another sibling lives near like me and will stand up for me and tell her she was been nasty and I didnt deserve the comments. I dont think she really understands why I keep visits to a minimum or maybe she thinks I am not been fair but she never tries to influence me or make me feel bad. Dont get me wrong I still have plenty of contact but I always make sure their is a buffer like my husband there, she will never let herself down in front of others. Nowadays I just never pop in on my own. I do help out bring her places collect things ect and I have no problem doing this I just dont want to spend anymore time been her verbal punch bag!!

LegacyUser

Perhaps it's hardeer when it's a parent as opposed to a sibling, maybe that's the hold she has on you. But a hold is all it is and you need to find a way to get out of it.
Cutting off family is an absolute last resort, but sometimes a necessity.

You need to set boundaries, and there will be setbacks, I have just had one theis morning and I'm still reeling from it. But just pick yourself up, let yourself feel the hurt and pain, then when your're strong enough you can have contact again.

It sounds like your mother is somewhat bitter and depressed, especially if everything is turned around to be about herself and she can remember all these 'slights' that were done to her. (Slights must be the new buzz word as that's what I get from my sibling, ''all the slights she's endured at my hands')

Take care of yourself, as your kids get older they will also see your mother is a bit bitter and won't blame you for having little contact.
I was able to let go of my father no problem as I had very little contact(despite living under the same roof) with him, it's only one of my siblings that is really hard to let go of. I tried this morning to discuss the matter but was promptly told where to go, it's so hurtful, but it's necessary for me to let go. It means never seeing my nephews, but I can explain when they're older, if they want.