Meeting up with a girl for the first time - what do I say?

LegacyUser

I'm nearly 20 and have lived a pretty sheltered life. I've never been to a pub before or had a night out with friends in my life and it's really getting me down. It's like the feeling of loneliness which everyone has engrained in them their whole lives when not socializing has just struck me in the last 6 months. Up until very recently I could stay at home every weekend and have an okay time just watching TV or surfing the 'net, but that just isn't good enough anymore.

I have no friends but I'm trying to change that - I've signed up for a 4 month FAS course which is starting in a little over 7 days and I'm planning on rejoining the formal education system in August. I'm too young for the local adult education centres (have to be 21) so the thought of joining in with 16/17 olds in 5th year will be a bit weird. But in a way, I would prefer them to being around other adults because they probably have few life experiences like me.

I used to have a couple of friends before leaving school but never bothered to stay in contact which I deeply regret now and the thought of signing up to Facebook is depressing because I looked in my brother's page and they all seem to have their own lives with plenty of other friends now. It never struck me until then how well everyone seems to be connected with each other - hundreds of photos of social events and hundreds of friends made me feel this heavy weight in my throat and stomach. But I'm thankful I saw it - I think it was a wake up call.

Over the last couple of weeks I've joined dating sites like Badoo and Plenty of Fish and I must admit I'm finding all the human interaction quite exciting, even if it's just talking about ordinary, everyday things with some people. :-D Yet it makes me feel sad at the same time because I've missed out on so much. A girl wants to meet me for a drink and she's bringing her friend but I'm being hesitant - I fear there will be long awkward silences because I'm probably not as fluent socially as 99% of people (obviously I don't tell HER that). But I feel it would be really good for me to do this. I know she likes me though because she said and just wants to bring her friend because she has never met anyone from the internet before and in case I turn out to be a total whacko. Perfectly understandable, I suppose.

Bottom line - Has anyone got tips on topics of conversation and unique funny/interesting/quirky lines to share? Hobbies and interests aren't my strong point - I like sitcoms, movies and watching sport, but I think I need more much than that. Obviously I don't go out so I have no particularly funny tales, no funny stories about previous dates or craic about nights out with friends. I really need advise here.

Bubblefett

extrovert_wannabe wrote: »

Bottom line - Has anyone got tips on topics of conversation and unique funny/interesting/quirky lines to share? Hobbies and interests aren't my strong point - I like sitcoms, movies and watching sport, but I think I need more much than that. Obviously I don't go out so I have no particularly funny tales, no funny stories about previous dates or craic about nights out with friends. I really need advise here.

Well done on getting yourself organised and going for the things you want- that's something to be very proud of!
Don't go in there thinking you need to have lines or jokes- you're not putting on a show and you'll come off fake and trying to hard to be interesting. It sounds cliche but you need to be yourself. Being someone else is exhausting.
I know you think you won't have anything to talk about or you'll be boring etc. You'd find it funny how so many people feel like this. It's really normal to worry that you won't have something in common with someone. It's nerves.
Go in there, relax, talk about yourself (genuinely about yourself) and talk about her. Talk and listen and you'll be grand.

To be honest I think you're underestimating yourself. You found a problem and now you're being really pro-active about it - that's a good sign that you're actually an assertive person, even though you might not realise it. Also the tone of your post, seems to me like you might be more "socially fluent" as you think. Everyone gets nervous, really really nervous sometimes, especially in a situation where you're meeting someone you like, and especially when it's for the first time. Don't let it throw you, she'll be nervous too, even though it might not show.

About the facebook thing, trust me, everyone purposely tries to make it look like they have amazing lives, and usually the best sign that someone actually does have great life is if they have few photos (because when they go out they're having too much fun to need to stop to take photos) and few friends (because they don't feel the need to up their friend counts by accepting absolutely anyone they can). So if you see lots of posed "we're having a great/crazy time" photos, and they have 800 friends, trust me it's all for show. Ignore it.

knick_knack

extrovert_wannabe wrote: »

I've never been to a pub before or had a night out with friends in my life and it's really getting me down.

It never struck me until then how well everyone seems to be connected with each other - hundreds of photos of social events and hundreds of friends made me feel this heavy weight in my throat and stomach. But I'm thankful I saw it - I think it was a wake up call.
.

Firstly well done on taking the initiative and getting yourself out there. Not an easy thing to do.
With the girl do a little reading about movies and since you enjoy tv have a look at some of the shows that she might be interested in. You dont have to watch them just know if something major has happened.
Just reading the paper can give you something to say in an awkward silence.
On Facebook having hundreds of friends doesn't mean people aren't lonely and speaking from experience you probably only chat to the same two or three people anyways. When you join up people just start adding you often even if they've only met you once. It's also a good way to recxonevt with those friends you lost contact with. Just email saying hi finally on this thing. Want to go for a drink sometime and catch up

Also don't forget about meeting up for boards social events. Not all are drink related

blatantrereg

Well you probably spoke to her a bit online, so you could continue the conversations you were having there, especially if she mentioned anything she'd be doing in the meantime. Ask the two of them how they know each other. Just make normal conversation really, maybe paying a bit of extra attention to her. Really the less contrived the better though so it's best not to have too much planned ahead, with the exception of remembering to ask about things she might appreciate you thinking of - like if she mentioned before that she was going shopping/to a movie/to an interview/making dinner/whatever - ask her how that went.

Morag

Ask her questions rather the trotting out lines and rehearsed stories.
Get her talking about herself, her hobies, her passions, her funny stories.

ManOfMystery

First off, well done OP on being proactive and starting to make changes in your life. A lot of people post on here about situations they're unhappy with, and a lot of the time all it takes is a little initiative to sort out. So it's good to see you've recognised the problem and are facing it head-on.

As regards your meeting with this girl, it's hard to advise what to say as it's impossible to know what kind of dynamic there will be between you - i.e. if there will be any spark, if you'll find it easy to talk to one another, etc. I would agree with above though - listen to what she's saying, ask plenty of questions, show an interest, and if you have something funny to say at any point - say it! A little bit of humour always lightens the mood a bit.

I know you haven't been out on a date before, but I'd also advise you not to build up any huge expectations in your head about it. This will just make you more nervous. Treat the date as just going for a casual drink with someone you've already got to know online, be relaxed about it and let things flow, and don't have any huge ideas about where or what it might lead to. If there's any spark between you two, then things will happen naturally. There would be nothing more offputting than going on a date with someone who seems desperate for something to happen, so if you can go in there with the right frame of mind and no pressure on yourself or her, it will be easier for you both.

Oh and last but not least - enjoy yourself.

knick_knack

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Oh and last but not least - enjoy yourself.

Easy to forget, but very true

Neyite

OP, there is a really good book that was written in the thirties but was a smash hit of the time, and is still quite popular. Its called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnagie.

The book is well worth a read, especially since you are embarking on these exciting life-changes, and will give you a bit of confidence in holding your own in social situations of all sorts.

The biggest thing I learned from the book is that a good conversationalist is firstly a good listener. I used to be so intent on saying something amusing or witty that I never really listened to the other person. Conversations were stilted because of that, and when I changed that little bit it helped so much.

Well done on that by the way - its not easy to say agree and implement changes but its so rewarding when it pays off.