I'm so lonely it hurts

LegacyUser

I'm a girl in my late 30s. I've been searching for love and security for as long as i can remember. I've come to a point in my life, where i think i've started to realise that i may never be able to form a functional relationship with a guy. And this is what i'm finding hard to come to terms with.

I have deep-rooted insecurity issues. I know that my parents' dysfunctional relationship, and my tumultuous relationship with my mother, affected me hugely as a child and moulded me into a profoundly insecure person. I've battled with this all my life. I've been to several counsellors, attended a clinical psychologist a few years ago and completed a course of CBT. While the work i did with the psychologist was certainly beneficial, it doesn't 'fix' you. And i don't know how to fix myself.

I'm also a very angry person. I think it comes from the same place as my insecurity issues, but i still don't know how to manage it. I exercise to try and get rid of the anger i physically feel inside my chest, but it's still there in my head.

I've had several relationships. I'm not an easy person to love, i know. I'm passionate, opinionated and strong-willed. I can be too intense. I'm not a bunny boiler - i have learned how to restrain outwardly needy behaviour and hide it - but in my head, i'm so insecure it's killing me. If i get involved with a guy, i literally drive myself insane with insecurity. For the most part i can keep it hidden, but as a result i'm crippled under the stress of hiding my insecurities.

I have family and close friends, whom i can rely on, and i know i'm so lucky to have that, but i feel so lonely that i don't have a guy to share my life with, it just makes me so sad. I know what everyone says about how you can't be happy with another person until you're happy with yourself, and that's what terrifies me. I've been trying so hard for years to make myself happy and it just isn't happening.

I know what to do to meet people - that is not the problem. My problem is that i find it very difficult to form close relationships with people in general, and to date i've found it almost impossible to form functional, healthy relationships with men.

I feel so damaged inside that i don't know what hope there is for me.

If anyone out there has overcome serious insecurity issues and/or anger issues, and has subsequently learned how to build trusting relationships with others, i'd really appreciate hearing from you. Thanks.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was moved by your post as I can relate to your pain and loneliness. On the surface I appear confident and together but relationships with men are very difficult for me! I tend not to trust men and often sabotage the relationship to escape my anxiety. I am a strong and independent person but once I enter a romantic relationship this neediness takes over and it drives men away. I am often left with regret afterwards and it takes me ages to move on from that.

I don't really know what advice to offer you as I too am struggling with the same issue, that I feel I will never have a successful relationship with a man and that saddens me! I guess what I would say that there is an element of self fulfilling prophecy about this. if we think that way, we are basically saying we are damaged goods and ultimately not lovable. This is not true for either of us. You described yourself as strong willed, opinionated and passionate. those are not negative qualities and while some men would not go for this a lot of guys would value these qualities in a partner.

I guess the good news is that we realise that we have a problem - that could mean we are half way there! Some people repeat patterns of behaviour in relationships and have no insight into their actions and tend to place the blame with the other person for the relationship not working. You are taking responsibilty for yourself and your behavior. You also know the reasons for your issues steming from childhood.

I would suggest that you try a deeper form of therapy - somebody who work with childhood issues and how they impact. This would be long term and painful work but would help you work through some of your issues. A friend of mine who has been to therapy told me that I should see a psycodynamic therapist for my issues so maybe you could look this up.

Maybe take some time to address these issues and then think about dating again. Next time you meet someone be honest and tell them relationships are hard for you etc. If they are the right person they will understand. I think everyone finds relationships hard to be honest but some people are just more open to the risk of being hurt.

With the right help we can all change. Don't be a in a prison of your own making. Get to work on yourself and believe that you are lovable and deserve a loving relationship.

I so feel your loneliness though. Last night I just wanted a man to touch me in a tender way. Nothing sexual but I thought about my ex and how he used to touch my knee or put his arm around me or kiss my head and the pain was unbearable! I know I want this again so am going to do my best to get it!

Best of luck OP. Am not sure if this was helpful but sometimes its good just to know that we are not alone with this pain.

x

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm the same age as you and have also suffered some dysfunctional relationships in the past and huge fear of rejection - which of course often leads to being rejected. Though I'm married now, happily for the most part.

I don't know how 'serious' your anger issues, or if mine were ever in the same league, so I don't know how qualified I am to reply... BUT here goes... what strikes me is that you're pretty down on yourself and your role in relationship failures here. Now maybe you are an absolute nightmare to be with, but you have also put a lot of work into improving yourself and your behaviour. I don't think you should underestimate that. Even to know that won't make the same behavioural mistakes as you have in the past is huge. Of course, the feelings are harder to control than the behaviour, but you are identifying them for what they are and that's important.
Is it possible that the next time you get an opportunity with someone new (and great) you can put all those learnings into effect?
"Those who don't learn from the past are destined to repeat it". You are learning...

I hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have been having a weekend kinda like you I think. Same age, same story. I have no magic solution to offer you except to say that like a physical injury that you may always need to get a bit of physio on, its the same with your emotions.
Over the years I find that I need to get some counselling to relieve old pains & angers that try to bubble up and control me so I won't allow it.
Instead I go to a professional and name it all and realise how far I have come. I try to forgive the old anger (and sometimes rage) because it is only choking me.

There are loads of women and men our age who are single....like every age. If you are a deep thinker you tend to always analyse stuff in relationships. Maybe I am getting older..or more in tune with myself but I know if I can't reach acceptance I will drive myself mad. You are so young...with abundant possibilities...loving family & friends. The rest will happen...believe it.
Another suggestion is to try this approach...))

http://www.the****itlife.com/ insert 4 letter curse word beginning with f

Keep the chin up girl....and well done on all the positive steps you have taken. Sometimes the darkest hour is before the dawn.

going un-reg

Like the others have said OP, it would be worthwhile to contact a Psychologist, and not a Physio like the previous poster stated. (Fixing her back won't help )

If you have deep insecurity, you'll always have relationship issues, to be blunt. That old phrase that always makes sense in these situations comes to mind "To be able to love someone, you have to be able to love yourself". If you bring insecurity baggage into relationships, it will eventually destroy it. There is no truer statement.

I've found that people with insecurity issues who want a relationship, think that being in a relationship will fix those issues,wanting to fill that void. When infact, they should be dealt with before commencing a relationship.

Investigate the help mentioned. I hope you get yourself sorted out

LegacyUser

Like the others have said OP, it would be worthwhile to contact a Psychologist, and not a Physio like the previous poster stated. (Fixing her back won't help )

To the previous poster....I put in the word 'like'....

Of course I am not recommending a physio!

OP,

I hope things improve.

santana75

feelyourpainop wrote: »

I would suggest that you try a deeper form of therapy - somebody who work with childhood issues and how they impact. This would be long term and painful work but would help you work through some of your issues.

I think this is bang on the money. Sounds like you need to do some "original pain" work OP.
"Homecoming" by John Bradshaw is an incredible piece of work on this very subject.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies.

I've spoken to a relative about how i'm feeling (not all the nitty gritty, but the headlines) and had a bit of a meltdown talking to her... She thinks it would be beneficial for me to go to speak to someone again, a psychologist, with a more focused aim this time - to specifically delve into my childhood issues, and the legacy they've left. The last time i spoke to a professional, i did talk about childhood issues but at the time i was also dealing with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem as well as the recent death of my mum. For some reason, my anger and insecurities are bubbling up again under the surface and though i didn't want to admit it, i need help and can't deal with this myself anymore.

I've also ordered that book on Amazon.... thank you for recommending it.

It makes a big difference to know that others can relate to how i'm feeling. Sometimes i really feel like a monster and completely unlovable. Thank you for helping me to feel less alone

dellas1979

Awh the last line of your post made me go "awwhhhhh" and really I never do that.

You are 100% loveable. But when you are in the thick of it, you cant see the wood for the trees. You have family and friends who love you. Ok - not in the same way a partner would, but it is still love. And really first and foremost (and I know this sounds crappy cliche), the only person you should be concerned about loving you, is yourself, warts/issues and all.

wylo

Hi OP,
It sounds like you've let a life time of thought spin out of control and take over you. Your thought has become your reality. Basically, the way you see yourself is entirely untrue and made up, compare to what is actually going on. Not that this will help in the long run, but even just sit there for 2 minutes and actually try and engage with whats really going on compare to all these BS thoughts about yourself, and you'll find theres nothing wrong with you whatsoever.

Now,me saying that isnt going to do anything , its ultimately up to you.

Im hitting my 30s soon and can see that I may have been heading that way, but luckily I nipped it in the bud through thorough a understanding of it.
Have you considered going down a meditation /enlightenment route? It may sound weird initially when phrased like that, but all you are doing is gaining such a deep understanding of whats going on in terms of your mind and whats going on around you, that you become really really happy (with alot of work and time!!). Even though those sort of thoughts began to swallow my life throughout most of my 20s, it all seems like utter nonsense now.

Dont treat whats wrong with you as something you should have to put up with as if its the norm. Even searching for others feeling the same, while comforting for a while, wont really help in the long run.

Anyway if you want me to elaborate I will, the only reason Im not bothering now is because most people ignore the advice so I aint gonna waste my time:D

And I know how tempting it is to release some tension on the likes of PI, and then not follow through with the advice given because you feel a little better for a while, but Id really recommend following through with the advice you've been given by everyone here!

TheBegotten

OP, while I strongly suggest going to this psychiatrist, you know from earlier meetings that it won't be a magical epiphiny moment like on TV. A psychiatrist CAN'T tell you anything you haven't told them. The problem solving will have to stem from you, the quack can only nuture it. Good luck.
As regards a relationship, remember that out of 6 million people on this island, odds are quite a few can emphatise with what you're going through. Lay out your situation at the start of a relationship. If he/she runs away, odds are they weren't worth keeping in the first place.

ihsb

I am in my early 20s. I have worked on issues similar to yours for years now (though maybe not as strong). I have been to counselling. I have never had an offer to pills or anything in sessions and I thank her for it.

I battle a bit of depression and I am deffo not easy to live with but as previous posters have said, the biggest thing has been done. You have noticed a pattern and you know you have to change it. But remember do not change you as a person. Obviously fix yourself but you are not a bad person, I am guessing it is just that bad things have happened.

If you meet someone new that you like a lot. Explain it to them, let them know that there are elements of you that you are working on improving. If he likes you he will understand. My warned my boyf about my panic attacks and depression before we got too serious, it was a way of giving him a get out clause because I know I can be hard work.

When you meet a man worth it, he will help you, hold your hand when you are feeling insecure.

I really wish you all the luck

Babooshka

lonely_today wrote: »

Thanks so much for the replies.

I've spoken to a relative about how i'm feeling (not all the nitty gritty, but the headlines) and had a bit of a meltdown talking to her... She thinks it would be beneficial for me to go to speak to someone again, a psychologist, with a more focused aim this time - to specifically delve into my childhood issues, and the legacy they've left. The last time i spoke to a professional, i did talk about childhood issues but at the time i was also dealing with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem as well as the recent death of my mum. For some reason, my anger and insecurities are bubbling up again under the surface and though i didn't want to admit it, i need help and can't deal with this myself anymore.

I've also ordered that book on Amazon.... thank you for recommending it.

It makes a big difference to know that others can relate to how i'm feeling. Sometimes i really feel like a monster and completely unlovable. Thank you for helping me to feel less alone

Hiya...I have that book myself, due to similar background issues (as I can gather anyway from what you described) that I was trying to do some work on. while I did find it helpful, just a word of warning, if you're not used to doing exercises using self help books, it can feel a bit wierd at first. And I did not do all of them I used it a la carte as far as I was comfortable with them. He has a wonderful way with words too.

But, isn't it just like everything, it's all just an ongoing process, and don't be too hard on yourself. I don't really adhere to "you won't find anyone unless you're happy yourself!" It isn't true, the world is full of unhappy people in relationships with other unhappy people, with happy people, with inbetween people, with meh, so-so people, etc. Who is a hundred percent happy, especially these times, there's so much pressure on people/couples to do work they hate doing to pay bills, stay in houses they can't afford to pay...some of them will split up, but they won't all split up because one of them is more unhappy than the day they first met the other.

I do know what you mean though, I thought I would drive my partner away when I first opened up to him about getting the blues sometimes, and issues I was working on. 5 years on he is still around ...and I am no Mary Poppins, believe me. But there must be stuff about me he likes, he's stuck around long enough. I think being so hard on yourself (or, one's self I mean) is part of that spiral of "how can I be loveable to him, when I am such a negative whine", etc...our boyfriends get their moments too...so don't go thinking the other party is a saint just because you have your issues, he will have his too!

But everyone is far more than their issues. You sound a bit like me (to me, I mean, when i read your post!) about 7 years ago. When things were that intense with my issues, I lived alone, and I ran, and ran, and ran a lot of the anger out, still helps now. You say you exercise, that's good.
I also did some counselling, but I really believe the whole picture comes into play, not just seeing a counsellor, there has to be a holistic approach, diet/exercise, laughter. Time out is very important, just to make a date with yourself once a week to watch a movie with a friend or just have a coffee and a natter about nothing too serious, it's so important to give yourself a break, you know?

I hope you meet someone nice, but don't for a minute think you have to "fix" yourself before anyone will look at you, once you're working on yourself being happy for yourself, it will help you find someone in the same frame of mind though. I hope some/ any of that made sense. Best of luck. B