How can I get over this?

LegacyUser

Ive been seeing a girl on and off for 2 years and we had a break at christmas time. we got back together in January and after about 3 weeks she told me she had sex with a guy during while she was away on holidays.

Man the hurt I feel. It is intense.

She tells me it meant nothing. the usual and I believe that is probably true.

Once I said I wanted to be with her she jumped straight back to me. We are and have been best mates since we met and she always wanted me more than I wanted her. I couldnt commit for various reasons so I tried not to get too close although in many many ways we are ideal for each other.

She says she never had a one night stand before and totally regrets it and that it only confirmed to her that what she really wants is a long term loving relationship. which i guess is what we all want right?

She says she would never have done it if we were together but now i have trust issues around it. even though we werent together we were still in each others lives. our friendship has always been the biggest factor.

She is very sorry that i am hurt by it and wants us to work through it but I am really struggling with it.

Talk to me people.

I am a friend

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

we had a break at christmas time. we got back together in January

So the relationship was off for a month or so...

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

Once I said I wanted to be with her she jumped straight back to me.

So I assume you finished it in December?

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

We are and have been best mates since we met and she always wanted me more than I wanted her.

Sounds like you like it that way and the fact she had a fling has damaged your ego?

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

I couldnt commit for various reasons so I tried not to get too close although in many many ways we are ideal for each other.

So while you were 'on and off' together, you could not commit to her and would not get too close even though you knew she was mad about you, yet you expect her to be 'faithful' to you even though you dumped her???

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

She says she never had a one night stand before and totally regrets it and that it only confirmed to her that what she really wants is a long term loving relationship. which i guess is what we all want right?

Is it? can you commit and get close now or is this another smoke screen for you not doing so?

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

She says she would never have done it if we were together but now i have trust issues around it. even though we werent together we were still in each others lives.

As you said, you werent together but you are peeved cos she moved on and liked someone other than you (who has been blowing hot and cold with her for years) and now you are thick about it.

If you want this girl then you need to show you want her and not just faff around playing childish games.

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

She is very sorry that i am hurt by it and wants us to work through it but I am really struggling with it.

So are you going to use it as an excuse to keep her at arms length? The girl did nothing wrong. I personally would not have told you as its none of your business but you need to either decide to forget about it or finsih with her for good. Sounds like you have played games with her up til now so do her a favour and if you cant get over this then let her go to meet someone else.

Batgurl

Everyone has a history. If she had slept with other people before you met her, would you have been insanely jealous of that?

The guy she was with is her history, in a past (albeit recent) which you weren't a part of.

At the end of the day, if you dumped her, you can't expect her to keep pining for you. She moved on. If you choose to take her back you, you have to accept that she has done things in her past which you may not agree with but you can't control it as you weren't there.

Idle Passerby

You admit this girl has always liked you more than you like her, that she wants a relationship with you but you havn't wanted to commit, and you've basically strung her along with an "on and off" thing for two years. She must be driven to distraction with you! She has every right to sleep with someone else after all that!

You may think you have this great friendship, but I'm sorry to burst the bubble but if one of the "friends" has romantic feelings for the other, its not a real friendship anymore.

If you really want to be with her, forget about her one night stand, its none of your business and was no betrayal to you, and actually be with her. Otherwise do the girl a favour and let her go.

P. Breathnach

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

...
Man the hurt I feel. It is intense....

She did nothing wrong, as you were not in a supposedly-exclusive relationship at the time.

Examine your feelings. Is it bruised ego, or is it that she is so important to you that you find the idea that there might be somebody else for her unbearable?

... she always wanted me more than I wanted her....

Are you sure that is true? If it is, I think you have a problem.

Mighty_Mouse

On/off for 2 years.........couldn't commit "for various reason"...........

You obviously messed this girl around.....be happy you woke up to the fact she is the one for you in the nick of time. Be grateful some dude in the last 2 years hasn't come along and taken her away from you.

IrishEyes19

you need to forget it, I dont see her doing anything wrong. You played the on and off game for two years, so you reep what you sew, OP. Count yourself lucky she even wants to come back, because its painful trying to commit to someone who wont give you the same. If you really care about her, give the relationship a shot but forget about the past. She has been honest with you. Sound like you have a good thing going. best of luck

deisemum

I think you've enjoyed 2 years of knowing that she liked you more than you liked her and it gave your ego a boost while you were in the comfortable position of not commiting to her while you held the upper hand with your on/off game playing. You've played with her emotions in the same cruel way a cat torments a mouse by repeatedly catching it and letting it go only to pounce on it again.

Now when she's done nothing wrong but get on with things after you dumped her you're bent out of shape because your ego has been dented. If you want to make a serious go of this relationship then you need to commit to her and put this behind you rather than what you're currently doing playing the wounded martyr to make her feel guilty so you can once more have the upper hand with her emotions. If you're not prepared to put it behind you or use it to throw back in her face then do the girl a favour and finish with her once and for all.

In future be careful for what you wish for, you just might get it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Most of your comments are on the money I have to admit. Although I never intentionally messed her around. I always tried to protect her feelings and our friendship (which has never suffered). My being unwilling to commit was not so much about being unsure of my feelings for her but rather that I was going through some stuff which prevented me from being able to commit to her.

For example: We had both recently come out of long term marraiges and I had heaps of stuff to deal with from that.

A week before she went away we shared a meal together and I wished her a safe trip etc. We were still close but I did not respond when she tried to get affectionate.

So youre right. It is my own fault.

But it hurts that she knew Id be hurt if she was with someone else, even though we werent together.

After the christmas break I was in a better position to offer her a commitment. I had sorted through some big issues and was ready. We jumped back on the train and for 4 weeks it was heaven. Then she dropped the bombshell.

I am a friend

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

For example: We had both recently come out of long term marraiges and I had heaps of stuff to deal with from that.

ah ok. fair play to you for explaining...

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

After the christmas break I was in a better position to offer her a commitment. I had sorted through some big issues and was ready. We jumped back on the train and for 4 weeks it was heaven. Then she dropped the bombshell.

But you were only ready after the break. TBH I thought ye were teenagers based on the first post but if ye are just out of long termm marriages ill guess ye are older and wiser than that

Now reality - dont fricking ruin it because of something that happened when it was off. put yourself in her shoes. She has been bounced around for years and it was off. She acted out and in fairness to her, she was honest with you. Now quit acting like a spoilt child and grab this chance at happiness. if you keep this up you will ruin it and as you know, its not easy to meet someone honest and decent when you are more mature so don't F it up!!!!!

LegacyUser

She was honest with you, and you heard the truth from her, not from some randomer. To me, this is a very promising sign. How much easier& less risky would it have been for her to have brushed it all under the carpet?
The fact that she was with another guy- she was lonely. The hurt from a broken marriage, coupled with just having been rejected by you again; everyone needs validation at some stage, and 2 years is a long time to be waiting for validation.
Don't let your ego take over, grab this woman/life& be happy.

Beruthiel

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

After the christmas break I was in a better position to offer her a commitment. I had sorted through some big issues and was ready. We jumped back on the train and for 4 weeks it was heaven. Then she dropped the bombshell.

She was trying to be completely honest with you so that there were no secrets.
She need not have bothered. What she does while single is her business.
You messed her around with your blowing hot and cold.
You were not together, she had every right to do as she pleased.
So, you calling it a 'bombshell' is more than a bit much.

Did you honestly expect her to remain monogamous to someone who 'might' come back at a later stage?
Is your ego really that big?

Might I politely suggest that you get over yourself and make a decision.
You've known her for 2 years. You've messed her around for two years.
How many more do you expect her to put up with before she gets a commitment from you?
Decide what you want, be sure of that decision and then stick to it.
Either commit to her or let her find someone who cares enough about her to do so.

LegacyUser

Seems you all think Im a bit of a heal and I get that but I assure you her emotions were always central to my concerns. I had buried a lot of my feelings toward her, even though when we were together i told her i loved her. I dont think she was confused, she just thought i wasnt ready.

She told me she thought we'd be together eventually. maybe in a few years time and always imagined us growing old together. which i could see too.

So it wasnt so much that i 'dumped' her. thats a bit harsh, but yes i did pick her up and put her down. sometimes i just couldnt help myself and had to be with her. others i found the stength to refrain because i felt i couldnt offer her stability.

But im not questioning whether the ethics of what she did. im asking how do i get over it.

right now it hurts really bad. i dont want to be one of those that throws it up years later or constantly.

ive decided that if were to be together then i have to give her the best of me and thats what i want to do. but being honest i float from floating in the love we share to wanting to tell her to f off and dont come back (which in my hear of hearts i know is deeply unfair) but those feelings of hurt are there. How do I ovrcome those? How do I eliminate the thoughts of her lying naked with someone else? I dont know if you can understand that but its terrible.

We were making love 2 nights ago and the thought of what she was like with him was in my head and it was sickening.

I am a friend

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

i float from floating in the love we share to wanting to tell her to f off and dont come back (which in my hear of hearts i know is deeply unfair) but those feelings of hurt are there.

Hurt?? i would think this hurt amounts to 1% of the hurt you have caused her over the past couple of years, no matter what your issues or intentions...

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

How do I ovrcome those? How do I eliminate the thoughts of her lying naked with someone else?

You think about something else when it comes into your mind? Is she your first lover? No, obviously not but as adults we need to learn how to leave the past in the past and move on...

I know my OH's ex and I dont like to think of them making love but guess what, I dont...

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

I dont know if you can understand that but its terrible.

Its terrible for everyone but I would have to doubt your committment to her now if you are willing to finish with her over this. :mad:

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

We were making love 2 nights ago and the thought of what she was like with him was in my head and it was sickening.

Is the sex boring? My Oh's ex would be the last thing I would be thinking of at a time like that?

OP, frankly you are coming across as ridiculous. You know how it works, you have an ex wife which means a lot more than a ONS and yet she can deal with that.

Sounds to me like you have a treasure here. Dont mess it up and definitely dont keep messing her around. If you cant deal with this then let her go for once and for all and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks Friend. I can see how ridiculous I must sound. Maybe theres something wrong with me.

No, the sex isnt boring. It is incredible. It was/is always very passionate.

Youre right Im being an idiot. I dont want to lose her and do want to buld a life with her. maybe Im just a jealous bstrd.

Our relationship has always been about far more than the sex, We have always get on so well and have the same interests and are mad for each other.

I dnt know why I keep thinking about this. I guess I am a bit obsessive.


Thanks for your honesty. I appreciate it.

LegacyUser

... I should add, that part of my worry about this is trust.

Ive never been able to understand ONS. I dont understand the mechanics of them. Does this mean, considering she met this guy and screwed him the same day, that if we have a fight or something that she will go out and do the same thing? Or if we split again for a while that it will happen again.

Also I have to go away for a few months next year. Will she be faithful?

These are the questions I ask myself.

Someone asked if I had been with anyone else over the last 2 years and the answer is no. Not saying that t make out im better, but I just havent. Always thought it was either her or nobody.

Beruthiel

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

Ive never been able to understand ONS. I dont understand the mechanics of them. Does this mean, considering she met this guy and screwed him the same day, that if we have a fight or something that she will go out and do the same thing? Or if we split again for a while that it will happen again.

Also I have to go away for a few months next year. Will she be faithful?

Seriously?!
What age are you?
If you are a teenager, I can understand the above questions.
If however, you are an adult, then you still have an awful lot of growing up to do.
You were NOT together. Therefore, trust has nothing to do with this.
What she does while single is none of your concern and certainly you have no right to judge her on it.

You say you are hurt by this ONS.
Have you any idea the hurt you have caused this woman over the last two years?
Have you any idea the head melt you are?

Seems to me that if you cannot get past this then you should just let the woman go so she can find someone who cares enough about her to want to be with her no matter what her past is.

LegacyUser

Im sorry what am I missing here? Am I an ar%h)le? Man I dont mean to be.

No im not a teenager. Im an adult.

Maybe its because Ive been cheated on before. by 3 different woman. Part of the reason I held back here was the fear of getting hurt.

Honestly. This girl is the love of my life. I have always known it but circumstances prevailed. I wanted to be with her but couldnt. not properly anyway. My kids wouldnt accept it. I tried to keep them secure. I tried to keep this girl happy and secure too. I gave her my support and friendship and accepted hers. I wanted to love her and scoop her up and marry her.

We are like peas in a pod. We love the same things in life and care deeply about each other. we both always knew that. we always stayed friends when we werent together and supported each other through some big life challanges.

I dont know.

Lorna123

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

... I should add, that part of my worry about this is trust.

Ive never been able to understand ONS. I dont understand the mechanics of them. Does this mean, considering she met this guy and screwed him the same day, that if we have a fight or something that she will go out and do the same thing? Or if we split again for a while that it will happen again.

Also I have to go away for a few months next year. Will she be faithful?

These are the questions I ask myself.

Someone asked if I had been with anyone else over the last 2 years and the answer is no. Not saying that t make out im better, but I just havent. Always thought it was either her or nobody.

It seems to me that there is no problem with trust here when you are getting on fine with this woman. When you split it is none of your business what she does. If you are worried that she might sleep with someone when you split further down the line, then don't split up. If you haven't actually split up by the time you are going away then my guess is that this woman will be faithful and you will have no worries.

You cannot control anyone in this life. So your best bet is to treat this woman with the love and respect that she deserves and you will never have any problems with her.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

It seems to me that there is no problem with trust here when you are getting on fine with this woman. When you split it is none of your business what she does. If you are worried that she might sleep with someone when you split further down the line, then don't split up. If you haven't actually split up by the time you are going away then my guess is that this woman will be faithful and you will have no worries.

You cannot control anyone in this life. So your best bet is to treat this woman with the love and respect that she deserves and you will never have any problems with her.

Thats what I wanted to hear.

I am a friend

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

... I should add, that part of my worry about this is trust.

Ive never been able to understand ONS. I dont understand the mechanics of them. Does this mean, considering she met this guy and screwed him the same day, that if we have a fight or something that she will go out and do the same thing? Or if we split again for a while that it will happen again.

Also I have to go away for a few months next year. Will she be faithful?

These are the questions I ask myself.

Someone asked if I had been with anyone else over the last 2 years and the answer is no. Not saying that t make out im better, but I just havent. Always thought it was either her or nobody.

Look I suspect we are of a similar age and its easy to get cynical after a while... i find the more I read PI in Boards the more cynical I get :rolleyes: BUT the point stands that if you cant let this go then let her go....

Because she HAD, when she was SINGLE, a ONS doesnt mean she will cheat FFS.... Does she seem like a cheat to you? if yes, then why are you with her??

this is like Ross and Rachel - YOU WERE ON A BREAK!!! She was entitled to have a fling if she wanted as she had no one to answer to. Its ok to be jealous cos we are all human but not to allow the jealousy and insecurity ruin the relationship..

Have you been burnt before??

I am a friend

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

Maybe its because Ive been cheated on before. by 3 different woman. Part of the reason I held back here was the fear of getting hurt.

that explains it but she is not them...

I am a friend

sunflower27 wrote: »

So, did you sleep with someone else when you were on breaks with her? Possibly you have missed the other times I have asked, but this is quite important.

he didnt no...

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Have you been burnt before??

yes.

P. Breathnach

Can we agree that she did something that she was entitled to do? The entitlement I mean is in terms of your relationship: she went off on holiday with you having rebuffed her affections - in effect, as a single person.

Emotional reactions are not reasonable, and are generally not changed by argument. It might help if you told yourself that what happened was outside the context of your relationship - but it probably won't.

What makes this single event, in which you accept that she made no emotional investment, so important? You can cope with the fact that she had a husband in whom, no doubt, she made a major investment. There might be other things in her past that you know about. But you focus on one thing, and it's really hurting you.

This is your problem in the sense that it is you who has made it into a problem. It's okay if she knows that you were upset about it, but she she should be spared from thinking that she caused you a huge problem. What I mean is that it seems right that she regret what happened, but she should not be hit with a burden of guilt because you are having difficulty coping with it.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I do understand the feelings you describe, and how they can eat you up inside. What I am trying to do is focus on the essential issue. She is not to be blamed; you cannot change the past; you find things difficult because of your mindset.

Perhaps it helps you a little to discuss it here. I hope it does. I wonder if you should get the help of a counsellor - not a relationship counsellor, but one whose focus would be to assist you get to terms with your emotions.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

So, did you sleep with someone else when you were on breaks with her? Possibly you have missed the other times I have asked, but this is quite important.

no i didnt. not at all. didnt even think of it.

LegacyUser

Just thought Id give an update...

Ive been trying very hard to put this out of my mind and move forward. I decided to myself that if I want to be with her - and I do - then I have to give her the best of me and not continuiosly bring this up. So Ive been treating her as normal and being nice and we are as we usually. Getting on great and enjoying each others company immensely.

Oh! She asked me to marry her the other day. Which obviously shows her level of commitment! She is being really great and I am trying too. And when shes around its not hard at all. Its only when shes not that i start analysing and thinking about the whole thing again. Its very hard for me to let go. I dont blame her or anything like that, I just wish to hell it never happened.

But I do love her very much and do get how and why it could happen. Hopefully it will all fade into memory at some point, because you are right. It would be idiotic of me to let this destroy something so great.

Ickle Magoo

Hello again OP.

Perhaps it would help to stop blaming her for what happened and take some personal responsibility in creating the conditions that led to her sleeping with someone else.

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote:

So it wasnt so much that i 'dumped' her. thats a bit harsh, but yes i did pick her up and put her down. sometimes i just couldnt help myself and had to be with her. others i found the stength to refrain because i felt i couldnt offer her stability.

From what you've written I see a woman who would have been utterly faithful had her head and heart not been melted with your indecision and inability to commit creating a situation where she was free to be with someone else.

I think you need to draw a line under it and learn the lesson - rather than blaming or playing the victim.

All the best.

I am a friend

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

Oh! She asked me to marry her the other day. Which obviously shows her level of commitment!

Yep you need to forget about what happened...

So are ye engaged?

fallen01angel

Hi OP,have read through the all the posts and here my tuppence worth:
You broke up with your OH at Christmas,she had a ONS on hols,ye got back together.Sometime later a conversation was had and she told you about ONS.Here's the thing...as was pointed out pages back-she was single when she had this ONS,none of your business whatsoever tbh.But ye are clearly crazy about each other and have finally(you in particular) decided to give it a proper go.
But because of past partners cheating on you previously your trust in your OH has plummeted(although she has not cheated and in fact has showed amazing loyality by putting up with all the issues for the past 2 years).But if you want this relationship to work you have to let her ONS go,she has really done nothing wrong,as far as she was concerned ye were history and she was probably devastated.I'm not sure if talking this through with her again is going to make much difference in helping you,but I would reccommend you talk to someone,maybe a counsellor.
Best of Luck and I really hope it works out for ye both.

rbag

I have to say that you seem to be playing the victim here and I can't for the life of me see what the issue is.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions. She did not cheat on you. From what you have said, she had a fling AFTER your relationship ended because you were not clear about a future with her.

I think you are just using this as another excuse to push her away to be frank.

rainbowtrout

Aaaaarrrrgh wrote: »

Just thought Id give an update...

Ive been trying very hard to put this out of my mind and move forward. I decided to myself that if I want to be with her - and I do - then I have to give her the best of me and not continuiosly bring this up. So Ive been treating her as normal and being nice and we are as we usually. Getting on great and enjoying each others company immensely.

Oh! She asked me to marry her the other day. Which obviously shows her level of commitment! She is being really great and I am trying too. And when shes around its not hard at all. Its only when shes not that i start analysing and thinking about the whole thing again. Its very hard for me to let go. I dont blame her or anything like that, I just wish to hell it never happened.

But I do love her very much and do get how and why it could happen. Hopefully it will all fade into memory at some point, because you are right. It would be idiotic of me to let this destroy something so great.

It sound OP, like you still haven't committed to her.

I could have written your original post. Except from the other point of view. I was in a 'relationship' (and I use that in the loosest sense of the word) where I was the woman. It was exactly as you described it and how others have described it here.

I was great friends with the guy and he gave me enough attention and affection to keep me interested but nothing concrete. There was always something in the way. Anyway to cut a long story short, it came to a head, we had a frank conversation, he said he couldn't commit to me.... so I knocked it on the head. Now we are still in contact, we knew each other long before any of this started, but there is no physical or romantic thing going on there whatsoever, just the odd email and text about mundane everyday stuff. He too wouldn't commit but got pissed off if there was an word of any other guy showing interest.

Stop making excuses about having stuff going on in your life, you may well have issues, but so does everyone else. First it'll be your previous marriage, then it'll be your kids, then it'll be your job, then it'll be something else. There will always be something. You like her but you can't be arsed giving her even the tiniest bit of commitment. She sounds like a great woman for putting up with you for so long, but one day and it might happen sooner than you think you'll ring her up and she will be gone.

She's already started on her way down that road, 2 years and no sign of the smallest bit of commitment from you so she was with someone else as she is fully entitled to. Yet you come on her and whine about your bruised ego and feeling like you can't trust her. Please, she deserves better than that. She's been with someone else, she told you about him which she didn't have to do and it still hasn't spurred you into action to get the finger out and make some concrete gesture towards her. I only wish she didn't ask you to marry her, she's made a huge gesture to you by saying this and all you can say is 'it obviously shows her level of commitment'... it was just the ego boost that you wanted... will allow you to string her along for another while. Make a decision now and start treating her right or leave her go, she deserves better.

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

It sound OP, like you still haven't committed to her.

come on her and whine about your bruised ego and feeling like you can't trust her. Please, she deserves better than that. She's been with someone else, she told you about him which she didn't have to do and it still hasn't spurred you into action to get the finger out and make some concrete gesture towards her. I only wish she didn't ask you to marry her, she's made a huge gesture to you by saying this and all you can say is 'it obviously shows her level of commitment'... it was just the ego boost that you wanted... will allow you to string her along for another while. Make a decision now and start treating her right or leave her go, she deserves better.

No youre wrong actually. Well partly right. I have always loved her but there is a strange phenomenon that occurs sometimes when people come out of a rough marraige and lose their kids and identity etc. Its called 'not being ready'. My self esteem took a major battering along with everything else. Losing children you adore is a very difficult and painful thing too. Yes I loved her but I wasnt functioning properly. I didnt commit, not because i didnt love her but because i believed i had little to offer her by way of stability. I was terrified of losing my children completely. Theres more but no need to go into it.

This time around I felt that I had come a long way and was in a far stronger position. which is partly why it hurt.

but anyway, I am commiting to her. When she asked me to marry her I was very happy. Shocked, suprised but very happy, but told her in a very fun and loving way that I would not accept her proposal, not because I dont want to but because it should be me that asks her. We had a great laugh about it and she agreed.

I nearly asked her the other night but will wait a while til she isnt expecting it.

I have told her how much I love her and she knows that. I have told her I am committed to her and want to be with her.

Rightly or wrongly, her being with someone else hurt like hell, but i have not treated her any differently as a result. I havent withheld love and affection or respect and care or anything like that. She had a cold last week and I pampered her til she got well again.

What hurts about it i guess is that i knew all along she was the girl for me and she always said she thought we would grow old together. When you love someone that much you dont want to think of them with someone else. no matter how grown up you are.

anyway..