Now he's stalling

LegacyUser

Myself and my boyfriend have been talking marriage for ages, well over a year. We always said we would get married in 2012 and nearly had the venue and guest list decided! We were going to have a short engagement so the proposal was going to be the start of this year, maybe valentines day type of thing.

Well - last year a couple of our close friends who were living together for 8 years broke up. Then a good friend of my boyfriends wife left him and is taking the poor fella to the cleaners, wants half of everything and shes the one who ran off with somebody else! Then a good friend of mine split with her husband and they have a couple of kids as well.

All of this is giving my boyfriend seriously cold feet. He came home this evening after spending the afternoon being his friends shoulder to cry on and basically is saying that his friend (we will call him Dave) is saying that marriage is for fools and he should think twice blah blah blah. Now my boyfriend is fairly capable of thinking for himself but I just know by how he's stalling and every time we start discussing plans, it always comes around to :

"are we doing the right thing" ,
"look at all our friends"
"poor Dave is getting f*cked over big time"
"Your friend is stuck in an awful sitation left with the kids"

I know he's getting cold feet, I totally understand and I keep pointing out all the marriages that haven't failed. I also keep telling him that no two relationships were the same and we don't have anything to worry about but he says how do we know we wont end up failing as well?

How can I convince him that marriage is the right thing to do without pressurising him and looking like I'm desprate to get married? It's not that I'm desprate, but I love him and want to be married to him!

LegacyUser

You begin going out and inviting around friends/relatives who ARE happily married, to show him that side of the coin.
You say that your plans as a couple were already made, and whilst you have every sympathy for your friends, there is no reason why your plans should change so dramatically.
You suggest a prenup (don't know how legally binding this is in Ireland)
You/he/ye spend less time with your friends who've been burnt by marriage. Yes, it's selfish, but that constant source of negativity isn't going to help your relationship.
You say to him that your friend left raising the 3 kids on her own could equally have been left in a similar situation had her husband died unexpectedly. Does that mean you should never have kids so?
And if all this isn't working....you either plod along as you're doing, or you jump ship.

I am a friend

You need to find out if he has specific issues with your relationship as common sense would dictate that no two relationships are the same and that a split may not happen to you.

It may be (sorry to say) that he has had some niggly doubts in the back of his head which are now growing wings... Not being smart but if you have been talking about marriage for a year already and nothing has been acted up then I would have been worrying even before all this.

LegacyUser

I can't quite put my finger on it, we're together 5 years and have been living together happily for half that time. It's been the natural progression to start making plans for the future and that's what we've been doing for the past year.

It's just all this has happened since last October, our friends broke up then. And they are stuck because they have a house in neg. equity and can't afford to move so they're both living in opposite sides of the house! Most of us don't want to visit the house when the boyfriend is there cos it's all his doing. But then my boyfriend plays devils advocate and says that she could be hell to live with, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

My boyfriend gets worried that we could end up the same if we buy a place and get stuck. I've told him that there is no rush to buy a house yet, sure prices are still falling which he agrees with.

His poor friend, I really feel sorry for him, his wife seems to be a right b*tch, came to the marriage with nothing, (except a child that she had before she met Dave and he has raised as his own). She moved into his house, started working for him and now wants half of everything and has made up a load of lies saying that Dave treated her badly and is trying to hide money and assets when all he ever did was treat her like a queen and give her everything she wanted.

My friends husband walked out on her 3 weeks ago, left her for somebody else. I just don't know why, they just seemed like the perfect couple, had everything they ever wanted so it was a real shock to find they had split.

I have been doing my best to keep the positive people onside! But I see my friend every weekend, and sometimes during the week and our other friends live nearby. Dave is on the phone at least once a week and maybe down at the weekends if he isn't seeing his kids (when she will let him) It's just not as easy as cutting poeple off.

Theres nothing wrong with our relationship, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he wonders will marriage change things cos thats when people seem to bail, when things get too much for them and they just crack. When we've been talking marriage we have spoken about kids, schools, future etc, not just wedding plans. He's still on for all except the wedding, maybe he thinks if we're not legally bound and I flip like Daves wife then he wont be so vulnerable.

ElleEm

I agree with Sunflower, you should be thankful that he is discussing his concerns with you. It shows how strong at communicating both of you are.

I would allow him to feel scared, it's natural to feel that way before committing to marriage, and especially if he is seeing the pain of friends going through messy separations and divorces. It may pass naturally, but maybe revisit it in a few months?

I know you really want to marry him, but I am sure you would want him to truly WANT to marry you and not feel like he HAS to to keep you happy.

I am a friend

You seem to have a view on everyone elses relationship when, as you said yourself, you cant know what goes on behind anyone elses door.

Can I ask who has been progressing the plans? Does he ever bring it up?

Mighty_Mouse

Pre-nup?

ElleEm

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Pre-nup?

Are you advising the OP to get a pre nup to allay her boyfriends fears?
It doesn't appear that finances are his concern regarding marriage.

And I don't think Irish law recognises pre nups!

LovelyLottie

I agree with the posters who say talking is the way through this. Not that i've ever been engaged (or close to it) myself, but seeing other relationships failing would make me scared too.

It is a good sign that he's talking to you about his fears, though it can't be easy for you to hear it. If he had no fears about marriage, or wasn't talking to you about them, that'd be more worrying to me.

He sounds mature to me - he appears to recognise that a marriage is more than just a wedding day, it has to be worked on, and for some people it doesn't always work out. He sounds like he's got his head screwed on.

Talk and give him time. Best of luck.

username123

I am a friend wrote: »

You seem to have a view on everyone elses relationship when, as you said yourself, you cant know what goes on behind anyone elses door.

This^^

I actually feel sorry for Daves wife as no one except her and Dave know the in's and out's and naturally Dave only presents his side to your bf!!

Stop worrying about other people and concentrate on your own relationship and tell your bf the same. Its natural to get a bit of a fright when long term couples split but its no reflection of your own relationship.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

This^^

I actually feel sorry for Daves wife as no one except her and Dave know the in's and out's and naturally Dave only presents his side to your bf!!

Stop worrying about other people and concentrate on your own relationship and tell your bf the same. Its natural to get a bit of a fright when long term couples split but its no reflection of your own relationship.

While you're right that nobody knows the in and outs, Daves ex wife left him for another man and took their child and adopted child with her. The kids are really unhappy with the situation (they have actually told my boyfriends mother this) and want to live with their father but she won't let them and is using them as a barter. Her best friend who is their biological childs godparent has also sided with Dave as she has seen the bad side of everything that his wife has done and is convinced she's taken leave of her senses at how shes carrying on. There's lots more to it but it will probably all come out in court.

We're still talking about it, but the timing has changed. It's pushed our plans back a bit but trying to get a straight answer out of him for when we are going ahead with it is tough. It's nearly like he doesnt want to hurt Daves feeling and appear to be happy getting on with life while his is falling to pieces but isnt thinking of my feelings!

Fenian Army

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Pre-nup?

No such thing in Ireland.

I am a friend

convincing argument wrote: »

While you're right that nobody knows the in and outs, Daves ex wife left him for another man and took their child and adopted child with her. The kids are really unhappy with the situation (they have actually told my boyfriends mother this) and want to live with their father but she won't let them and is using them as a barter. Her best friend who is their biological childs godparent has also sided with Dave as she has seen the bad side of everything that his wife has done and is convinced she's taken leave of her senses at how shes carrying on. There's lots more to it but it will probably all come out in court.

I really dont think you should be publishing the details of someone elses marriage break up on the internet :mad:

convincing argument wrote: »

It's nearly like he doesnt want to hurt Daves feeling

So he is putting his friends possible feelings ahead of yours. Dave may not care less if ye get engaged. He is not willing to give you a firm timeline and that is screaming out at me...

I would back off totally and start reviewing my own position in this. I know I would lose a lot of respect for someone who was kicking for touch about marrying me.

username123

convincing argument wrote: »

While you're right that nobody knows the in and outs, Daves ex wife left him for another man and took their child and adopted child with her. The kids are really unhappy with the situation (they have actually told my boyfriends mother this) and want to live with their father but she won't let them and is using them as a barter. Her best friend who is their biological childs godparent has also sided with Dave as she has seen the bad side of everything that his wife has done and is convinced she's taken leave of her senses at how shes carrying on. There's lots more to it but it will probably all come out in court.

I dont want to know these things and its not your place to be revealing the details of other peoples marriages on the internet. Its very disrespectful to the people involved. It just re-inforces that both of you are a bit too interested in other peoples relationships rather than your own.

convincing argument wrote: »

We're still talking about it, but the timing has changed. It's pushed our plans back a bit but trying to get a straight answer out of him for when we are going ahead with it is tough. It's nearly like he doesnt want to hurt Daves feeling and appear to be happy getting on with life while his is falling to pieces but isnt thinking of my feelings!

The bit in bold wouldnt be acceptable to me. Other peoples relationships should not have any impact on your relationship and how it moves. The amount of interest you both have in other peoples relationships sounds unhealthy and maybe a bit immature. It is good that both of you realise a marriage is more than just a day out, but he also needs to take on board that your relationship is your relationship and you cant both live your lives to keep Dave happy. Will he want to hold off having children in case it upsets Dave too? Its a bit too involved in someone elses life for me.

Fenian Army

His friends have had their lives ruined by failed marriages, of course your OH is unsure about committing, its only natural, doesn't mean his feelings for you have lessened or anything.

Give him time, whats the rush? Don't push him, would only put him off more.