Asking priest to wedding

UDP

Hi,

Just some background. There was a thread here recently about calling priests fr vs mr. I had not thought about it before and decided I should start always calling them mr.

We are currently going through lists of people to invite to our wedding (no date set yet). One of the people I want to invite is a cousin if mine who is a priest.

I want absolutely no religion at the wedding as I think it's the devils work e.g. I don't want some one to ask the priest out loud before dinner to say a prayer.

As a result I want to invite the priest as Mr.Kelly instead of Fr.Kelly. I plan to talk to him either by phone or in person before sending the invite to explain my position and to make sure he knows I actually want him there but as Mr.Kelly only.

Should I then put Mr.Kelly on the invite? Or is that being a dick? I would like to stick to my principals.

Anyone here ever invited a priest to something as themselves (without collar etc)? I.e. making it clear they want the person there as a non priest.

Dades

UDP wrote: »

Should I then put Mr.Kelly on the invite? Or is that being a dick?

I would think so.

He's your cousin. Indulge him

As for priestly duties, unless some busybody calls on him to do something supernatural it's unlikely he'll pipe up and do something you don't want. If you're having a non-religious gig, you'd expect him to have the cop on to know he's there as a guest and not as a priest.

robindch

UDP wrote: »

Should I then put Mr.Kelly on the invite? Or is that being a dick? I would like to stick to my principals.

If he's a good friend, I'd call him whatever he wants to be called, but I wouldn't expect him to be standing on principle either. If you've always known him by his first name, then I wouldn't bother changing just coz it's a wedding.

Pwpane

You're asking him to the wedding as your cousin, not as a priest.

So put his ordinary name on the invitation, no Mr or Fr. You don't like the Fr, and the Mr is a bit offensive. Just leave them out eg John Doe, not Mr/Fr John Doe.

I'd also chat to him, and say that you're having a non-religious wedding and you'd like him there as your cousin, not as a priest. And clear it with him that if he's asked to say a prayer, give a blessing or say Grace before meals that he pushes it aside nicely with something like 'ah no, this is Joe's wedding, that's not in the plan, I'm just a guest'.

Otherwise, he could well be asked by others present and be caught on the hop.

Liamario

If you are close with him, go visit him and talk to him as you would anyone else. Let him know where you are and your concerns and see what he thinks. If he's a decent priest, he'll be very understanding and reasonable.

gawker

I would not put Mr or Fr on the invite, he is your cousin so no need for too many formalities anyway. He might even appreciate the opportunity to take his priest hat off and have a fun night anyways!

muppeteer

Curious as to do priests get to take off the "uniform" or not when going to events? Do they still wear the collar when they go golfing?

Spoonman75

muppeteer wrote: »

Curious as to do priests get to take off the "uniform" or not when going to events? Do they still wear the collar when they go golfing?

I would imagine the average priest would have a set of "civilian" clothes at the back of their wardrobe. You mentioned in your post that it is a non religious ceremony so maybe you could ask him to hire a suit for the day. Most of your guests will do the same so why not him. He won't be "on duty" that day.

Dades

Do people really think the OPs cousin needs to have groundrules set for him to attend just because he's a priest? You'd swear he was an alcoholic or something.

It's a civil wedding and he's a guest. It's unlikely he'll grab the mic and start baptising people or performing exorcisms.

Giselle

Spoonman75 wrote: »

I would imagine the average priest would have a set of "civilian" clothes at the back of their wardrobe. You mentioned in your post that it is a non religious ceremony so maybe you could ask him to hire a suit for the day. Most of your guests will do the same so why not him. He won't be "on duty" that day.

Unless the OP is telling all the other guests what to wear, its going way to far to start telling the poor guy to hire a suit.

OP, I'd just put whatever title he's usually known as on his invite, and assume he knows you have a civil ceremony for a reason.

The priest is a wedding guest and a human being, possibly even a nice one, not an opportunity to make some kind of statement.

As an atheist I've always thought you should know when to pick your battles. I personally don't see this as an issue.

tricky D

I'd address it to him as Fr as a matter of respect despite my deep objections to his religion. It's a protocol thing imho.

I'd also have a chat and explain the dilemma. You don't want to have religious involvement on your day. Suggest that it would be ideal if he feels free to leave the dog collar at home. Most priests will be decent and respectful enough to accommodate your wishes for your big day.

Spoonman75

Giselle wrote: »

Unless the OP is telling all the other guests what to wear, its going way to far to start telling the poor guy to hire a suit.

OP, I'd just put whatever title he's usually known as on his invite, and assume he knows you have a civil ceremony for a reason.

The priest is a wedding guest and a human being, possibly even a nice one, not an opportunity to make some kind of statement.

As an atheist I've always thought you should know when to pick your battles. I personally don't see this as an issue.

I'm not sure about that. If any of his other guests were gardai, nurses or judges would you expect them to arrive at a wedding dressed in their clothes of profession? I don't think he'd expect to ask them beforehand.

But maybe priests do wear the same clothes all the time. I don't know. You made a good point about asking the priest to wear a suit. In retrospect that is a bit insensitive.

Being a priest is not so much a profession but a vocation. A way of living their lives.



Any priests out there willing to give their opinion?

Doc Farrell

On an atheist forum? God bless you!

Many Jesuits wear ordinary clothes, in fact many different priests and nuns do nowadays, you have to be on your guard at all times!

I suggest you chat to your cousin Mano a Mano. If not, how will he understand that you despise his vocation?

Humans eh!

UDP wrote: »

Hi,


Should I then put Mr.Kelly on the invite? Or is that being a dick? I would like to stick to my principals.

Only schoolteachers should stick to their principals. :pac:

Sorry couldn't resist,
Anyway ,speak to the man in person and explain your wishes, he is your cousin so it should be easier as I assume you are both familiar to each other.

He is a human being and probably wouldn't be there as a witchfinder in any case. Have a relaxed conversation with the man and drop into the conversation how liberating it might be for him to attend your special day as a civilian and how he could observe how different people treat him - out of uniform. He will probably respect your honesty and understand that even though you don't want a priest there you respect him as a man and want his company in that capacity. Write the invite and address him as you see him, as a person.
Good luck to you both and have a great wedding day.

Rev Hellfire

If you want someone to attend you take them as they are.
Otherwise it reads a bit like you can attend but only on my terms.

UDP

Thanks for your opinions.

The priest wouldn't be that close to me as such but i know my mother would like to have him there. He is a nice guy and my cousin so I dont mind inviting him I just want to make sure that nothing religious is pulled out of the hat unexpectedly. I suspect if I let him know beforehand that it will be a completely non-religious ceremony then I'm sure there will be no problems I just imagine if I dont make it clear to him beforehand then there is the risk since there is still that thinking of religion = tradition.

Probably a bigger concern is his brother who is a christian brother and a bit more conservative. I think I will have to have a chat with both of them beforehand.

I shouldn't really have to single them out just because they are part of religious institutions but it is Irish people we are talking about here (most of the guests) and some people surprise you with busybodiness at times when it comes to religion (out of habit often) so I can just foresee someone (who I might not necessarily expect) taking a notion to do or call on the priest to do some religious crap.

I will let guests know in passing that we are having a completely non-religious ceremony so at least they are not expecting anything otherwise.

@Rev Hellfire, I get what you are saying but it is a case of attending on my terms, terms such as not turning up wearing a tracksuit and runners. Most of the terms are already known to people but another one is not to turn up as a representative of any organisation which won't be a problem for anyone else from what I can see. I am inviting this guy as my cousin, not as a catholic priest but because he might not realise that I make a distinction between the two, as he doesn't know that I am an atheist and since most cultural catholics don't mind he might not be aware that others do, then I feel it will have to be communicated in a nice way.

Coriolanus

muppeteer wrote: »

Curious as to do priests get to take off the "uniform" or not when going to events? Do they still wear the collar when they go golfing?

Some of them don't even wear the uniform for their duties. One of the priests dealing with a funeral I was involved in didn't wear a collar at several of the meetings with the family.

magicbastarder

why use mister or father? if you know him, and his name is (say) martin kelly, invite martin kelly, not mister kelly.

Sarky

Call him "dude". All night.

Dude! Duuuude! Duuuuuuuuuude!

Penn

Sarky wrote: »

Call him "dude". All night.

Dude! Duuuude! Duuuuuuuuuude!

MagicMarker

Sorry but the solution is clear, get married on a nudist beach.

recedite

Dades wrote: »

Do people really think the OPs cousin needs to have groundrules set for him to attend just because he's a priest? You'd swear he was an alcoholic or something.
It's a civil wedding and he's a guest. It's unlikely he'll grab the mic and start baptising people or performing exorcisms.

I wouldn't tell him what to wear; when you tell him "no praying" he will probably take the hint and leave the collar at home.
But he is likely to be asked by one of the older generation to grab the microphone at some point, and to give a religious blessing or prayer of some sort. The oldies consider themselves wiser than the wedding couple and therefore will feel entitled to override their instructions. So the OP would need to pre-empt this by talking to the cousin in advance.

Oranage2

As a man of god i think he deserves the truth "dear cous, just to let you know that i plan on gettin married in the near future, as you are a man of the cloth it would really mean a lot to me if you refrain from your godly duties , in fact id rather you not there but my mother would like you to come. No date or venue set "

Paparazzo

Just make sure you don't get into a religious argument with him after a few pints

Liamario

It sounds like your problem is with everyone else but your cousin!

Peregrinus

UDP wrote: »

Hi,

Just some background. There was a thread here recently about calling priests fr vs mr. I had not thought about it before and decided I should start always calling them mr.

We are currently going through lists of people to invite to our wedding (no date set yet). One of the people I want to invite is a cousin if mine who is a priest.

I want absolutely no religion at the wedding as I think it's the devils work e.g. I don't want some one to ask the priest out loud before dinner to say a prayer.

As a result I want to invite the priest as Mr.Kelly instead of Fr.Kelly. I plan to talk to him either by phone or in person before sending the invite to explain my position and to make sure he knows I actually want him there but as Mr.Kelly only.

Should I then put Mr.Kelly on the invite? Or is that being a dick? I would like to stick to my principals.

Anyone here ever invited a priest to something as themselves (without collar etc)? I.e. making it clear they want the person there as a non priest.

The guy is who he is and you either want him at your wedding or you don’t. If you don’t want him, don’t ask him. If you do want him, ask him, but for goodness sake don’t make a huge drama out of how he is addressed on the envelope, or whether he is being invited “as” this or “as” that. Unless you are willing to appear as a bigot or as deeply insecure, the fact that he’s a priest should be a matter of indifference to you, not a problem for you. If somebody invited me to a wedding on the basis that I was Not To Wear This and Not To Talk About That, I’d think it was an extraordinarily graceless invitation, and I would probably turn it down.

Address the invitation as he would expect it to be addressed. You can ring him and tell him that it’s a completely non-religious wedding, by way of checking with him that it won’t embarrass him to attend. (Though, in fact, he’ll know this from the details on the invitation, won’t he?) Unless he’s a complete bastard he will not attempt to impose some religious character on your wedding. (And if he is a complete bastard, you won’t be inviting him, will you?)

Once he knows your feelings, it will only embarrass him and upset you if someone calls on him to say grace, or something of the kind. Make sure that your best man and anyone else who might be managing anything on the day knows that the wedding is non-religious, and that this guy is just another guest, with no special role to play. If he gets called on, it’s your fault, not his.

Give him the same dress code instructions as you give to every other guest. If the dress code is consistent with him wearing a Roman collar and he turns up wearing a Roman collar, I dare say everybody will survive the shock. The Roman collar means that he is a cleric, not that you are a Christian.

TwoShedsJackson

Never mind his dog collar or if he decides he wants to have a bit of an oul pray for the heathens - as long as he doesn't bring an acoustic guitar you should be okay.