Housemate problem- am I in the wrong?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone I was just looking for some advice about this situation as I really don't know if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm 19 and in first year college in Dublin. I'm living in student accommodation and I share a room with another girl. In the first term she had her boyfriend stay over about once a week sometimes more,This could sound ridiculous but I wasn't that comfortable with a guy I didn't know in my room since I didn't know her well either and he never made any effort to talk to me and made it clear I was in the way which I often couldn't help particularly at the start when I didn't know many people in Dublin. I definitely wasn't imagining this either since he wouldn't come over because they had plans to go anywhere he would come over for a romantic night in with his girlfriend. She never considered me in her arrangements, like if I wasn't going to be there on a given night she might still have him over a night that I was there because it suited her better. This was all mainly my fault because I was too shy to say how I felt and was terrified of falling out with her. Anyway, things all came to a head at Christmas when they locked me out of the room.We'd all had too much to drink and ended up in a massive disagreement over it all. The next day she told me he wouldn't be coming over again when I was there.
That was grand and went on until a couple of weeks ago when she asked if it was ok if he came over for 2 nights before the end of the year. He came and stayed over valentines night which was ok because I was out for most of the night. The other night she wanted to have him stay was Paddys day when I won't be there.
Yesterday I got a text from her asking if it's ok if he stays Sunday night as well. I decided to tell her the truth that I'd rather he didn't because I don't want it being a regular thing like it was before Christmas. She went mad saying I was ruining her last month in college and she was so hurt and couldn't believe I was doing this to. He has a single room in Maynooth and there's nothing stopping her going over there.
Is this ridiculous of me ? Did I leave it too late to say anything? The whole issue at Christmas was really awful and I never though he'd come over again after that.
I'm sorry for the essay I know this is a really tiny issue and I should just be able to deal with it but I just need advice if at all possible. Thanks so much

Raminahobbin

Seriously?? Is your roommate for real?! I've never shared a room in a rented house, but I would never have thought it would be okay for a roommate to have their partner over with you in the same room. I would think the 'rule' is that there are absolutely no extra people staying over, ever, in the room unless it's a mutual friend sleeping on the floor or something. All your stuff is there- it's your private space!

OP, you presumably pay equal rent. The room is half yours. She seems to be treating it like it's her room entirely. That's ridiculous. If she wants to spend time with him, she should be going to his house and staying in his room.

Rest assured, you are 100% correct with this, she is 100% in the wrong, and if I were you I would be moving out. It's one thing having an argument with a housemate, it's another having an argument with a roommate. There's no getting away from it, and it will start affecting you more if a rift develops between you and you can't even relax in your own room.

Move out.

Sleepless92

Sleepless92 wrote: »

Hi everyone I was just looking for some advice about this situation as I really don't know if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm 19 and in first year college in Dublin. I'm living in student accommodation and I share a room with another girl. In the first term she had her boyfriend stay over about once a week sometimes more,This could sound ridiculous but I wasn't that comfortable with a guy I didn't know in my room since I didn't know her well either and he never made any effort to talk to me and made it clear I was in the way which I often couldn't help particularly at the start when I didn't know many people in Dublin. I definitely wasn't imagining this either since he wouldn't come over because they had plans to go anywhere he would come over for a romantic night in with his girlfriend. She never considered me in her arrangements, like if I wasn't going to be there on a given night she might still have him over a night that I was there because it suited her better. This was all mainly my fault because I was too shy to say how I felt and was terrified of falling out with her. Anyway, things all came to a head at Christmas when they locked me out of the room.We'd all had too much to drink and ended up in a massive disagreement over it all. The next day she told me he wouldn't be coming over again when I was there.
That was grand and went on until a couple of weeks ago when she asked if it was ok if he came over for 2 nights before the end of the year. He came and stayed over valentines night which was ok because I was out for most of the night. The other night she wanted to have him stay was Paddys day when I won't be there.
Yesterday I got a text from her asking if it's ok if he stays Sunday night as well. I decided to tell her the truth that I'd rather he didn't because I don't want it being a regular thing like it was before Christmas. She went mad saying I was ruining her last month in college and she was so hurt and couldn't believe I was doing this to. He has a single room in Maynooth and there's nothing stopping her going over there.
Is this ridiculous of me ? Did I leave it too late to say anything? The whole issue at Christmas was really awful and I never though he'd come over again after that.
I'm sorry for the essay I know this is a really tiny issue and I should just be able to deal with it but I just need advice if at all possible. Thanks so much

:eek:

thats disgraceful to lock you out of your room. absolute bastards! talk to your landlord. you pay rent not her boyfriend. disgusting :mad:

The Jammy dodger

You live in the same room as a woman? Man....that was NEVER going to work right from the get go

As other posters mentioned. You are correct in your position. You pay half the rent for that room. Dont worry about what they think of you as a result of you getting it sorted professionally through your landlord. Do it without you telling them your doing it too.

However as the first poster said, just move out. Hand in your notice and go some place else. Going through the landlord might not resolve the fact that you have to stay in the same room as her. And although the problem of her BF never coming over anymore may be resolved, you still would have to live with being in a room with a woman with whom their is a lot of tension. It could get worse.

Ball is in your court bud. But I say just move out and at least when the landlord asks you why your leaving you can give your reason. It wouldnt be like they got the last say, you did get the last say and the landlord wont be too happy that he is losing his customers over her behaviour either and eventually she'll get the boot as well.

Princess Peach

Is it campus accommodation? If so are there rules for overnight guests? You could contact the resident adviser or whoever you answer to.

If its private then there isn't much you can do except talk to her. She is totally out of line for doing this. I shared a room with a girl before and we were both extremely respectful of each other, never had a guy overnight and gave each other personal time.

She only has one month left in college? Tell her no he is not allowed anymore, and live with her sulking for the short time ye have left together. I hope this is the case and ye won't be sharing much longer.

LovelyLottie

It's your room too. You're entitled to feel uncomfortable, if that's how you feel. Stick to your guns and say you're sorry but this is how you feel. If you lose her as a friend, so be it.

Years ago we were travelling and 3 of us were staying in a large room in Italy that would have slept 6 (so a few spare beds). One of our friends hooked up with a guy that night and he wanted to stay with her in our room, because it was too late to get his train back - yeah right. Even though there were spare beds, it was pretty clear they would be in the same bed (she was off her face, he was a sleaze). I was not going to spend the night listening to them at it. So i said, sorry no i didn't feel comfortable with it. We had 2 friends (a couple) who were sleeping in the room next door. I said why doesn't the new guy stay in there with our male friend (the 2 guys were already good friends) - he didn't want that, so went home - miraculously, the trains seemed to still be running....

It's about respect really. She doesn't have any respect for you. You'd be better off getting out of that room-share with her as soon as you can. Whatever about having a boyfriend over in a shared living space (like TV room etc.) - but in a shared bedroom? That's gross. And she is totally taking advantage. Hope you get it sorted soon. Good luck.

Zombrex

Your room mate sounds selfish and immature. In her head she is probably stupid drunk in love and wants to spend all her time with your boyfriend you are just ruining everything.

But in reality she shouldn't have been bringing her boyfriend back in the first place, and I think you have been more than accommodating and got no respect back in return. It sounds like you are dealing without someone who is still in reality a child.

Tell her it is not ok that he stays over, if she says it is ruining anything tell her to stop being such a drama queen and to grow up. I'm guessing she spends all her time with the boyfriend anyway, not spending the night isn't going to kill her. If she really feels strongly about it she can move out. You don't need to apologize for anything, it is your room too, you are perfectly within your rights to say you don't want other people staying in the room.

If she refuses to accept this and causes trouble for you, like locking you out of your room again, then straight on to who ever manages the dorms, or your landlord if this is rented accommodation.

Batgurl

Hey OP, seeing as you only have a month left, I think its time to play them at their own game.

The next night he's over, go to YOUR room and "fall asleep", locking them out. See how she likes it.

I actually shared a room in first year college as well and while I know moving out is the ideal situation, the reality is you won't find somewhere for a month and you probably cant afford to anyway.

Suck it up to a point but seriously, the only way to deal with this is to make her understand how it feels.

Any chance you can have a boy over, or even a friend who will stay in ur bed with u? My ex room-mate chanced her arm one night and had her boyfriend stay over. I said nothing but the next night had 2 of my boy mates stay. one in my bed with me and one on the floor.

She got the hint and didnt do it again....seriously, what do you have to lose?

IrishEyes19

I usually wouldn't say this as most college situations can be sorted out between each other, if she continues this. Report them to your landlord. Her bf has a room clearly, let her use it. No one should have to stay in a room with another couple at it. Totally weird. Is she not embarassed. As for locking you out, thats a disgrace. Dont let her get away with it. Next year I would also advise getting a single room.

Zombrex

Batgurl wrote: »

Hey OP, seeing as you only have a month left, I think its time to play them at their own game.

The next night he's over, go to YOUR room and "fall asleep", locking them out. See how she likes it.

I actually shared a room in first year college as well and while I know moving out is the ideal situation, the reality is you won't find somewhere for a month and you probably cant afford to anyway.

Suck it up to a point but seriously, the only way to deal with this is to make her understand how it feels.

Any chance you can have a boy over, or even a friend who will stay in ur bed with u? My ex room-mate chanced her arm one night and had her boyfriend stay over. I said nothing but the next night had 2 of my boy mates stay. one in my bed with me and one on the floor.

She got the hint and didnt do it again....seriously, what do you have to lose?

I would really recommend doing that. People don't learn lessons that way, and it simply gives the room mate an excuse to say that the OP is doing it as well.

The OP doesn't have to make the room mate see that she is right. She is right, whether the room mate sees this or not. She simply has to inform the room mate how things are going to be, if the room mate doesn't like it she can leave.

lace

Hi OP!

This girl is being a right selfish b*tch.

You kept quiet about all this before Christmas because you were shy and just wanted to avoid a fight. That does not mean you have to stay quiet. You are perfectly entitled to change your mind and decide that you do not want a stranger staying in your room.

I would never have my boyfriend over with another person in the room! Not only is it completely rude and out of order, it would be so weird and so awkward for everyone involved! How does that even work? Does he bring pyjamas or are you supposed to close your eyes while they get undressed? Do they avoid kissing/talking etc or do they wait till you're asleep to fool around? Do you just have to put in your headphones, lie back and think of Ireland? I find the idea of the whole thing extremely strange.

As for him staying while you're not there - it's something I wouldn't really mind personally but if it's bothering you then you're definitely well within reason to ask that he doesn't stay while you're not there.

If I were you, I'd explain all this to her over a cup of tea. Let her know that you were too shy to say it to her before Christmas and you don't want the two of you to fall out but it's really getting to you and you'd really prefer if she could start staying over at his place more seeing as he has his own room. Maynooth isn't that far out and surely she could arrange one day a week that suits both of them.

If she kicks up a fuss about it, just make a call to your landlord and explain the situation. They'll probably tell you to sort it out between the two of ye but perhaps filing a complaint with him/her will be enough to shake some cop on into your roommate. If it's campus accommodation, even better. They will probably have some kind of policy on visitors staying over or may have someone in charge of sorting out disputes between roommates.

Best of luck!

Sardonicat

If she wants to spend the night with her bf she can get the 66 or 67 bus, or one of the many commuter trains that service Maynooth from Connolly. It's not that hard and it's not that far.

Totally unacceptable to ever expect you to be ok with this, and what is more she knows this. Put your foot down. If she has to sulk about it advise her to use the commute time to Maynooth for that purpose.

Stavro Mueller

I can understand where you're coming from. I was little more than an overgrown kid when I first moved away from home to go to college and I put up with stuff in my first year digs that I'd certainly not tolerate as an adult.

I agree with the others. You are totally in the right here and she is chancing her arm big time. If she wants to stay overnight with this lad, why doesn't she go out to him in Maynooth? Or move out and get a room of her own somewhere. Her overnight arrangements with her boyfriend are none of your concern. You have been more than obliging up until now and you are right to put your foot down.

It's no crime to change your mind. You were dead right to come out and say what you did. So what if you're ruining her last month of college. I bet she didn't give your comfort one thought when you were having to share a room with this gruesome twosome or when they locked you out. If you're not comfortable with the arrangement, then she should have the courtesy to respect your opinion.

All I can suggest to you at this stage is to stand your ground. And lock away any valuables just in case she turns nasty.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone thanks so much for all the replies. I feel so so much better about standing my ground after reading them. Her boyfriend hasn't come over since I asked her not to have him over and she's not speaking to me so its quite awkward in the room but I'm just trying to not let it bother me!