Therapy for low self esteem and social avoidance

LegacyUser

I am a poster but feel happier going anon. What I post has come up before I'm sure but I'd still like people's opinions and a bit of guidance if there is any.

I'm 21, soon to be 22 and in first year college studying for a degree which my current problem is not suited to. For as long as I can remember I have always been what you may describe as "socially awkward". Up to now I have always managed to worm my way out of nights out with friends, most social family events. I didnt even attend my school debs, at the time it would have been my worst nightmare.

Since college in september I have made a couple of very close friends. I happily settled here and even felt comfortable going out to a pubs/clubs for the first time in my life. I felt confident and happy, not just because I have made proper friends for the first time but because I enjoyed the course I was doing. I felt in control of myself. But recently my low confidence and shyness has come back. I have no interest in going out, since christmas I've been worming my way out of any social event- illness, no money, too much study to do, appt in the morning...my excuses are running out at this stage. If I do go out with much persuasion, I always leave after an hour or so, excuse of being sick etc, a well planned escape route. If I know I have to go on a night out with friends, I will spend the day feeling sick at the prospect of having to make conversation with friends of friends.

It doesnt stop there. I push away people that try to friend me...not intentionally, I just think, "why would anyone bother with me". I have a massive fear of intimacy, I have never had a relationship, I have pushed away people who have shown an interest in me, basically because I am too embarassed, wouldn't know what to say, how to react... I think I don't deserve a relationship/love from anyone, why would anyone love me etc. I look terrible, I disgust myself so I must doubly disgust others.

I know these thoughts are wrong but I just cannot rid myself of them. In the past week or so I've begun to realise I cannot continue like this. I feel so lonely, like I'm just a passing figure and I'm fearful of the future, I cant continue like this. I just sit in my room every evening, dying for the time to go to sleep, so that another day can pass. I feel out of touch with everyone, no happiness, no love, nothing.

As for confiding in others, its difficult. I don't feel I know any of my friends that well enough to confide in, as for my parents- I dont want to bother them, they live back home, I live here, my mum in particular would tell everyone about it-worst nightmare, my dad is a recovering alcoholic and I feel that something like this would be an excuse to go drinking again. They dont realise my unhappyness and I think it would be unfair to put it upon them.

I have looked into getting help with university counselling- cognitive behavioural therapy is offered here and having read up on it its sounds like it could help. I have seen a councellor about this a year ago when I lived back home after half confiding in my dad (I didnt want to come to university for this reason)- but I felt that it was just brushed off as "sillyness, shyness that will go away once you make a few friends".

I am currently studying a degree in healthcare where a problem like this will need to be resolved. Before I came to uni, I worked full time in a shop, kept to myself, did my work, never engaged with workmates only small talk. Placement in my degree- communication skills are vital, dealing with patients etc. I feel sick at the prospect of it, when I first started this degree I was looking forward to it. I don't feel I can confide in my tutors at college- a problem like this would be frowned upon for obvious reasons.

I'm not sure what advice I can get from people, maybe somebody has been through this before/is going through it. If nothing, then even writing this will probably make me feel better for a while. Have people tried behavioural therapy before? If so did it work for you?

Thank you x