Weird online dating situation

LegacyUser

Hi there

Long story short here - met a girl from a dating site for drinks, went very well I thought, i was really attracted to her on lots of levels and we ended up kissing, so we were texting after and I asked her if she'd be interested in going on a second date - she said she would but to be aware that she'd be going on other dates as well...

I was sort of taken aback by her bluntness - I think she felt she was doing me a favour by telling me but it just made me feel like she was sending the message not to get my hopes up too high, that I was just an evening's entertainment, that she wasn't particularly bothered about our date, that I was one of a few "candidates" and that I'd be competing against other guys, like a contestant on Take Me Out or something. Whether she meant it or said it to see my reaction or appear like she was in demand, I don't know and never will, but all it's done is sabotaged any chance of it going anywhere for me now.

Any time I would meet up with her in the future there would be serious question marks in the back of my head like, was she out kissing some other guy last night, or more? Is she only meeting me because she's nothing better to do? Is she just passing time with me till something better comes along?

I know people multi-date at the beginning, I'm not passing judgement, but the sort of cavalier indifference with which she told me she would be doing it just left a really bad taste in my mouth.

I fudged together a response while my jaw was still on the floor asking her to let me know when she wanted to meet up and we could organise it. After a while passing I'm more thinking along the lines of "f**k that. Am i being really unreasonable here or do I have reason to feel a bit peeved?

I am a friend

You are being unreasonable - she is being honest.

Daisy M

Not sure, I have no experience of online dating but I would think if someone is using an online dating site they are doing so with the intention of meeting someone they can spend the rest of their life with. Maybe this girl wants to settle down in the near future and doesnt want to waste time just dating one guy exclusively until she is sure that it maybe going somewhere. I think you should have asked her to clarify what she meant, how many dates would she have gone on with you before she stopped dating others. App dating a couple of people at the start of a relationship is normal in America, maybe thats catching on here. You had nothing to lose by asking.

WindSock

Maybe she already has other dates lined up?

Lorna123

whysayit wrote: »

Hi there

Long story short here - met a girl from a dating site for drinks, went very well I thought, i was really attracted to her on lots of levels and we ended up kissing, so we were texting after and I asked her if she'd be interested in going on a second date - she said she would but to be aware that she'd be going on other dates as well...

I was sort of taken aback by her bluntness - I think she felt she was doing me a favour by telling me but it just made me feel like she was sending the message not to get my hopes up too high, that I was just an evening's entertainment, that she wasn't particularly bothered about our date, that I was one of a few "candidates" and that I'd be competing against other guys, like a contestant on Take Me Out or something. Whether she meant it or said it to see my reaction or appear like she was in demand, I don't know and never will, but all it's done is sabotaged any chance of it going anywhere for me now.

Any time I would meet up with her in the future there would be serious question marks in the back of my head like, was she out kissing some other guy last night, or more? Is she only meeting me because she's nothing better to do? Is she just passing time with me till something better comes along?

I know people multi-date at the beginning, I'm not passing judgement, but the sort of cavalier indifference with which she told me she would be doing it just left a really bad taste in my mouth.

I fudged together a response while my jaw was still on the floor asking her to let me know when she wanted to meet up and we could organise it. After a while passing I'm more thinking along the lines of "f**k that. Am i being really unreasonable here or do I have reason to feel a bit peeved?

Personally I think this was bad mannered of this girl to say that to you, afterall you met her on a dating site and the same applied to you, you could be dating others too but you didn't throw that in her face. Your gut instinct tells you that this was not the thing for her to say and I agree, it wasn't. If I dated someone and I really liked them I would never say a thing like that to them in case it put them off. She didn't seem to care. I would not be contacting her again if it were me, unless you want the same kind of treatment.

stargazer 68

Crumbs suggest you folks read the online dating thread!! You had one date with this girl and she was honest with you that she has other dates (or will have) lined up! I wouldnt have been so blunt personally but some people are straight to the point. Nothing stopping you from doing the same.

Pebbles68

whysayit wrote: »

so we were texting

This is the standout phrase in your post for me. Text talk is brief and to the point. If you had asked face to face then you could have read her tone, body language etc. and you would have a much better idea how excited/interested she is in seeing you. It probably didn't need to be said but i wouldn't read too much into it.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

Personally I think this was bad mannered of this girl to say that to you, afterall you met her on a dating site and the same applied to you, you could be dating others too but you didn't throw that in her face. Your gut instinct tells you that this was not the thing for her to say and I agree, it wasn't. If I dated someone and I really liked them I would never say a thing like that to them in case it put them off. She didn't seem to care. I would not be contacting her again if it were me, unless you want the same kind of treatment.

I don't think this was bad mannered at all. I agreed with Daisy M. This girl gives herself options and choices, she is a confident girl ( Personally I like girl who knows what she wants). OP, don't give up, looks like she is interested in you and don't think about if she kissed someone else but think about ask her out again, wine and dine her if you really like her and take it from there, you need few more dates to judge the situation. I always go and try to get what I want and if you can't, at least you tried. Good luck.

ash23

Sounds like you invested more into a first date than she did.

Some people date a lot and are used to having sparks on the first meeting only for it all to go tits up 2 dates later. So they learn to not get so heavily invested at the very start and to still keep ticking away, going about their normal life and see how it all pans out.

Sounds like she is more jaded than rude to me.
She's being honest and not too intense, and just going to see where it's all heading. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion.

Lorna123

What she is saying is "don't forget that I am dating others and if something better comes along then I will be dumping you, so be prepared". This probably applies to you too but you didn't have the rudeness to say it. I would be put off with a remark like that, others may not. It all depends on how you feel whether you want to persue this or not. Oftentimes people live to regret what they say. You are still in there with a chance, so up to you whether you like her approach or not. I am sure this will put a damper on things for you as you will be extra cautious. I would say that so far there has been no real damage done, you only know her a short while, so keep on going and see what happens next.

Miss Fluff

While she may have been as subtle as a van bomb, I have to admire her candour. Sounds to me like she probably had other dates lined up so was just managing expectations and/or perhaps been burnt badly by dates getting oevrly enthusiastic/keen after the first date. I think you've taken this far too personally. You had one date with the girl. If you got on well and kissed and it was an otherwise good date then of course you should see her again. I think dating a few people at the same time stops people obsessing/becoming too fixated on the one person too soon. If you like her see her again. Surely you're not looking for exclusivity after one date??

A0

whysayit wrote: »

Hi there

Long story short here - met a girl from a dating site for drinks, went very well I thought, i was really attracted to her on lots of levels and we ended up kissing, so we were texting after and I asked her if she'd be interested in going on a second date - she said she would but to be aware that she'd be going on other dates as well...

I was sort of taken aback by her bluntness - I think she felt she was doing me a favour by telling me but it just made me feel like she was sending the message not to get my hopes up too high, that I was just an evening's entertainment, that she wasn't particularly bothered about our date, that I was one of a few "candidates" and that I'd be competing against other guys, like a contestant on Take Me Out or something. Whether she meant it or said it to see my reaction or appear like she was in demand, I don't know and never will, but all it's done is sabotaged any chance of it going anywhere for me now.

Any time I would meet up with her in the future there would be serious question marks in the back of my head like, was she out kissing some other guy last night, or more? Is she only meeting me because she's nothing better to do? Is she just passing time with me till something better comes along?

I know people multi-date at the beginning, I'm not passing judgement, but the sort of cavalier indifference with which she told me she would be doing it just left a really bad taste in my mouth.

I fudged together a response while my jaw was still on the floor asking her to let me know when she wanted to meet up and we could organise it. After a while passing I'm more thinking along the lines of "f**k that. Am i being really unreasonable here or do I have reason to feel a bit peeved?

She met you, now she has a good idea of what you are like. I would tell her "bye-bye" if I was in the same situation. I have a "no multi / double-dates" rule. If she was really interested she won't go to other dates...

ihsb

When I was internet dating I had 3 dates a week with different guys. I personally think that the first date is only good for judging whether or not you want to get to know the person better but once you go to second/third date you start to realise who is special enough to carry on with.

She was just being honest incase you were to find out when/if she liked you more later on. Give her a chance!

Aseth

A0 wrote: »

She met you, now she has a good idea of what you are like. I would tell her "bye-bye" if I was in the same situation. I have a "no multi / double-dates" rule. If she was really interested she won't go to other dates...

really? For me it is as far fetched as her admitting she already knows how she will name their children.
It was only one date and as the remark might not have been overly subtle I really don't know what do you expect? She said she liked OP and she would go for a second date with him which I'd say shows she is interested. And of course we would try to choose best (potential) partner - isn't it what we all do? Also as someone mentioned before she might be being careful if she had some not so good experience with online dating.
You can't really judge someone after spending 3-4 hours with them - at most you can say if you like them or not, if you have common topics. I would say OP should give her a second chance.

Katy89

op, I understand completely that this is off putting.

as the others said, she's honest, and that's ok. some people might like the 'game' and competition and might be challeneged by that, wanting to date her again and being the 'winner'.
but you are not like that and that shows some style, from my point of view.

for me you did the exact right thing: you left it now up to her to let you know if she wants to see you again. and then YOU can decide if you want to see her or not. And if you do, I would directly ask her about what came out with the other dates.
you are not running after her.
think like this you can be fairly relaxed.:)

Midnight Sundance

I think everyone has different rules for what they find acceptable when it comes to online dating ,
She did no wrong in telling you about her having other dates, at least you know she is honest and upfront .
What it boils down to is what you find acceptable and comfortable with. If you don't like her seeing other people and telling you about it then she's not going to be the one for you and I suggest you move on.
On a side note , many of the girls you meet online in the future may very we be dating others to start out with also, just because they don't tell you, doesn't mean they aren't.

mood

I've internet dating experience and when I had good dates with a guy I was interested in I held off logging into the site until I know if another date was on the cards or not. I certainly didn't go on other dates. I didn't join the site to date loads of guy but to meet someone I could have a relationship with. If she still want to have other dates with other guys then I guess she isn't very interested in you. Sorry

LegacyUser

Hi everybody

Thanks for your responses. Judging from the number of responses in defence and against what my date said, it's far from an open-close matter. As I said, I realise that people multi-date, I get that much. I just didn't see what possible good she thought could have come from telling me. I will admit I am thin-skinned and probably quite old-fashioned. I do probably over-invest early on, but then I don't do anything by halves and I'm there for a reason. I guess the date was just a bigger deal to me than it was to her. If we do meet up again, which seems increasingly unlikely in my own mind, waiting on her to contact me, it'll be a struggle to not have that doubt at the back of my mind.

johnr1

Think of it this way, if you felt a spark with someone, ended up kissing them, and wanted to see them again, what would you do? Arrange dates with other people just to confuse yourself, - to have your head turned before you gave one person a chance? Not likely.
If she had dates already lined up, as Windsock suggested, then she could have deferred them, or at the very least kept her mouth shut !

Either she's not into you, or she dates for entertainment, or she has VERY different ideas about dating to what you do.
Of course she could also just be one of those people who just speak every thought they have without thinking about what she was saying.

None are good in this case. She'd be waiting a while before I'd call her :rolleyes:

curlzy

It's so subjective. Everyone has a different point of view. Myself I wouldn't "multi-date", I dislike the idea that it's competitive and I don't like the american-isation of our mating rituals if you will :rolleyes:. So yeah would be a right put off for me. You have to decide for yourself though.

LegacyUser

whysayit wrote: »

Any time I would meet up with her in the future ......

Why in god's name would you meet up with a girl you know you're not compatible with? Just don't meet up with her again, problem solved.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

What she is saying is "don't forget that I am dating others and if something better comes along then I will be dumping you, so be prepared".

The OP has been on one date with this girl. Now unless he's made of candy floss, he really shouldn't be thinking that this is her implied message. If he does think this is what she meant, then he's in for a tough time in the future and mustn't have had any knocks in his life so far. Life ain't all sunshine and roses where the people around us will do and say things the way we expect them to.

Lorna123

unregistered wrote: »

The OP has been on one date with this girl. Now unless he's made of candy floss, he really shouldn't be thinking that this is her implied message. If he does think this is what she meant, then he's in for a tough time in the future and mustn't have had any knocks in his life so far. Life ain't all sunshine and roses where the people around us will do and say things the way we expect them to.

This isn't about your opinion v mine. If the OP wants to take on board what I say then so be it. If he doesn't then he doesn't. Don't let me inspire you how to comment, have your own ideas based on what the OP is saying not on what I am saying.

LegacyUser

Thread seems to be going off on a tangent with a power struggle for giving the best advice being played out!

If I were you OP, I'd put it down to experience. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. There are plenty of girls out there, so why not take each of them as they come

Katgurl

I think you should go with your gut that you liked her and meet her again. If that goes well and it feels comfortable to do so, laughingly say "so listen I was a bit thrown by the text message..." and see what way the conversation goes. Then decide. I think texts can be a very misleading way to communicate and an old fashioned conversation the only way forward.

LegacyUser

Hi all

Thanks for your continued contributions, they've all been very insightful.

It's been 5 days now since I heard from her last. I've been tempted to text or message her but I'm fairly sure I'd be politely rebuffed and I'd rather save myself the embarrassment of that. I did leave with it her to contact me when she wanted to meet up (which she said she did, both on the date, and the day after via text), which she hasn't done.

I'm guessing now that there won't be any more dates. Reflecting back on it, the whole online dating thing can be quite a minefield for your emotional well-being, because it seems to me that a lot of people assign a lesser value on the people they meet online, than the people they meet offline, for whatever reason, with the result that they feel less of a need to show the same courtesies and good manners that they would do their potential offline mates. Maybe I'm wrong, it's just a perception I have of it now.

Katy89

whysayit wrote: »

Hi all

Thanks for your continued contributions, they've all been very insightful.

It's been 5 days now since I heard from her last. I've been tempted to text or message her but I'm fairly sure I'd be politely rebuffed and I'd rather save myself the embarrassment of that. I did leave with it her to contact me when she wanted to meet up (which she said she did, both on the date, and the day after via text), which she hasn't done.

that's the right decision, from my point of view.

whysayit wrote: »

I'm guessing now that there won't be any more dates. Reflecting back on it, the whole online dating thing can be quite a minefield for your emotional well-being, because it seems to me that a lot of people assign a lesser value on the people they meet online, than the people they meet offline, for whatever reason, with the result that they feel less of a need to show the same courtesies and good manners that they would do their potential offline mates. Maybe I'm wrong, it's just a perception I have of it now.

yes, I didn't make any good experiences from online dating either, it actually made me feel worse than it did any good. I know there are positive outcomes as well, I just hadn't any.
I think it's very important not to get physical on the first date, means no kissing or even anything more.

Fentdog84

Maybe what she said was just a tester- women sometimes play these kinda games to check if the guy is serious. If that's the case maybe you should have asked for a second date if you wanted to meet her again that is. But yeah, this online dating and dating in general has become more like a series of job interviews for some people. Hanging back for fear/embarrassment/rejection isn't going to get you far in this game. For a game is what is what it is much as certain people don't want to admit it. Its about give and take, and proving yourself worthy to the other person. True romance sorry but thats for the movies. Then maybe Im just cynical.

LovelyLottie

Not exactly sure what her intentions are in telling you that information.

With online dating it's perfectly normal (and i think advisable) to meet a few different people for first / second dates in and around the same time. It stops you pinning your hopes on one person in particular, especially seeing as you don't know the person at all until the first date happens.

I would consider myself having a fair bit of experience online dating. I've gone on several first / second dates in the same week / two week period. It's not dishonest or underhand, it's how it's done.

The only time i ever told a guy that i was going on a date with someone else, was because he seemed really keen and i wasn't sure if i liked him and wanted him to know that i wasn't so sure. I was trying to get him to back off a bit. I had just started online dating and wanted to see what was out there.

If i met a guy for a first date and really liked him, i might go on another first date with a different guy if it had already been arranged or if i wanted to keep my options open, but i'd certainly not tell the first guy in case he didn't ask me out again.

As said above, i don't know what her intentions were in telling you that she's dating other people - but i'd guess it's because she's not ready to exclusively date you. She wants to date other guys and see what else is out there.

blatantrereg

Is she in the wrong? - Only if she was indicating otherwise beforehand, or if she expects you to be exclusively interested in her.

Are you right to be peeved? -Well sure if you want exclusivity right from the start and she tells you it's not happening, then feel free to be peeved. But be peeved in a "it's raining" way, not a "she's pissing on my back" way.

blatantrereg

whysayit wrote: »

Hi all

Thanks for your continued contributions, they've all been very insightful.

It's been 5 days now since I heard from her last. I've been tempted to text or message her but I'm fairly sure I'd be politely rebuffed and I'd rather save myself the embarrassment of that. I did leave with it her to contact me when she wanted to meet up (which she said she did, both on the date, and the day after via text), which she hasn't done.

I'm guessing now that there won't be any more dates. Reflecting back on it, the whole online dating thing can be quite a minefield for your emotional well-being, because it seems to me that a lot of people assign a lesser value on the people they meet online, than the people they meet offline, for whatever reason, with the result that they feel less of a need to show the same courtesies and good manners that they would do their potential offline mates. Maybe I'm wrong, it's just a perception I have of it now.

I wouldn't assume you'd be rebuffed. It sounds like you might have put her off contacting you by giving her the impression you're not interested now yourself.

Why do you feel she was impolite or discourteous to you? It sounds like she felt she was being courteous to you by letting you know the story.

I'm not suggesting you necessarily contact her btw. You dont find what is on the table acceptable, and that's ok. Be straightforward about that. Her position is "I want to multidate." Yours is "I dont like to multidate". There's no problem with that. If her terms are unacceptable to you - and they are - just tell her that. She can accept your terms or you can part ways. No need for bad feeling one way or another.

puddles22

. I've been tempted to text or message her but I'm fairly sure I'd be politely rebuffed and I'd rather save myself the embarrassment of that.

if ya like her just text and find out one way or another, if she rejects ya so what highly unlikely you meet her again anyway , take a chance see what happens. y a never know what could develop out of it , could be the future wife but i know theres one way nothing will happpen and that is by doing nothing . live a little , take a risk.
instead of hiding from the storm , dance in the rain