Girlfriend was abused as a child, how can i help her?

LegacyUser

hello evryone. i have never needed advice so badly, but have no one to turn to.

my girlfriend confided in me that she was sexually abused at very young age. her parents know and she was given counseling etc at the time. recently she was very down and i managed to coax some information out of her; that she was abused a second time, by someone else. i don't know the exact details of either case as she physically breaks down when she tries to tell me and it's too painful to bring up.

how she turned out to such a positive person after having her childhood torn up is hard to believe, and so admirable. her survival method had been to bottle it up. but now she is feeling more angry about waht happened her, and she has never been able to let it go. her parents dont know what the second time and i think i am the only person she has ever told.

has anyone been in this situation? is it better to let sleeping dogs lie, or should she get counselling? (i think she should, but she thinks it would just be a waste of time and money. she would be too shy to tell this to a stranger anyway. it could also be hard to find a decent one) i dont think she would ever go down the legal route and bring the second person to justice because, as you would expect, the person is, or was, "close". she is incredibly brave, but she would not be able to shout from the rooftops and point fingers and name names. she was barely able to tell me!

it kills me that im not able to help her, i tell her im here for her whenever she needs me, but she will usually avoid the topic at all costs, and continue to bottle it up. i get so angry when i think about it, how someone can take a childs innocence? i can't imagine how angry she must feel. i am shaking as i type... has anyone been in her/my situation? how did you overcome it? i just need to know what i should do for the woman i love.

thank you.

diddlybit

confidant wrote: »

i just need to know what i should do for the woman i love.

Hey OP. You sound like a really great guy (assuming you are a guy here) and to be honest, you doing exactly what you need to be doing at the moment. You're supportive, aware of her moods and allowing her to talk to you when she feels you can without pushing her. Your girlfriend obviously trusts you very much.

I would advise, however, to broach the subject of counselling very gently with your girlfriend, especially if it's getting her down. This could take a long time, as she has only spoken out about the abuse and if her defense mechanism is to bottle it up, she'll be quite reluctant. When the time comes, suggest that she tries one therapeutic session, she doesn't have to sign up to it, just see how one session goes. Approaching the subject in a therapeutic environment can take weeks, months and sometimes, years.

I understand that she may feel that it's like "talking to a stranger", but a good counsellor will never just jump into the root of the problem and force her to reveal all the gory details, but will examine the negative impact it's having on her life. She'll never be able to wipe the slate clean, but therapy will either give her the tools to live with it, or else lead her to some form of resolution.

Good luck to both you and your girlfriend.

Plek Trum

It's a very good sign of your relationship that your girlfrined trusts you enough to have confided this in you and also for you to care enough toseek advice here - thats a great bonus.

I would say that the main thing is just to let her know that you are there for her. Small gestures, checking that she feels ok without making too much of an issue about it, will help her feel secure, maybe let her barriers down a little and perhaps - in time - if she needs to, she will feel able to seek help. Small things - a note, a suprise bubble bath etc - little things that let her know she is loved and minded.

If you are finding it hard dealing with this info, contact your nearest Rape Crisis & Sexual Abuse Centre (don't let the name put you off). www.rcni.ie Its a free, confidential and professional service for both people who have been abused and also their family / partners / friends etc.

Give them a call for a chat over the phone initially - friendly and confidential, they may ask you to pop infor a chat over a coffee etc. They will be the best to advise you with how to handle this and maybe if your girlfriend wishes, will also help her with sessions. I really cannot recommend them highly enough.

Best of luck to you both - it does get better, x

gud4u

Keep doing what your doing.

Don't push her too hard, it's an individiual recovery.

Take care of yourself, you can't help her if you let it get to you too much, she'll stop confiding in you if she feels she's upsetting you too much.

Take time out yourself to deal with it's impact on you and your relationship, as selfish as this might sound, when dealing with a victim of anything, sometimes and I mean only sometimes, the person trying to help can get worn out and annoyed if they don't see the person getting over it and wonder why, reflecting it back in on themselves and in a way tearing themselves apart and then you're left with two people who can't function.

I understand where both of you are coming from, I do, so please don't think I'm being harsh, what you're doing is great, but do protect yourself and don't get dragged down if it's getting too much for your gf to handle. Keeping yourself strong enough to support her can be hard.

There comes a point where your gf may have to accept professional help, she may need to accept help if she wants to move forward with a healthy relationship with you and so you can both go on to be happy in life.

Admitting to the second period of abuse will also bring back the horror of the first.

The rape crisis centre also offers counselling for abuse and as far as I know it's free if money is a problem.

Good luck.

Take care.

LegacyUser

hey op

im glad for your gf she has someone she can talk about what happened its important that she opens up to you... trust im sure u know would be hard for her


as someone who was abused by a family member and stepfather, the best advice i can give u is listen when she wants to talk, dont push her!

she will go to counseling when she is ready i suppose, im 30 it took me to 29 to say i think i may need to talk about this so i can move on.


when she is ready to deal with it i believe she will so let her do it at her own pace!


good luck

LegacyUser

hello everyone, OP here.

Thank you all for your advice.

I have learned a few things here... firstly that this will be a matter of time and that patience may be the most important factor.

I was pushing her a little bit to get some info, because i could tell that there was somethign serious on her mind, although i was aware of how this could hurt, but i will make sure i don't push too much as bringing it all up at once could be painful and damaging.

I will keep the rape crisis centre in mind... to be honest, i'd be nervous to contact them myself, so god knows how hard it would be for her! i think i will contact them at some stage, and it's good to know they can help in this situation!

the suggestion of testing the water with one theraputic session is a great idea and i will see how she feels about that.

sometimes i get a bit angry over what happened to her, but i am confident that i will be ok to deal with it and try to help her. seeing how strong she has been gives me strength to be honest, and generally we are both very happy!

...and yes, i sometimes do romantic spontaneous things, but it couldn't hurt to make the effort a bit more often i suppse! we're going on a short holiday in a few weeks.

once again, thank you for your advice, it's good to know where to start now.

FouxDaFaFa

Hey OP,
You seem to be handling this well. This must be pretty hard on you too, with no-one to talk about it with. May I suggest that if your girlfriend is the type of person who would find one-on-one counselling too intense, that she look into group sessions? She could go to a session and just observe. If she wanted, you could maybe go along as support. Sometime it helps just to listen to others who are going through the same thing you are; it feels like they understand more than a counsellor might.

The priority now, however, is not to push anything. It's a sign of how much she trusts you that she's opening up.