Love, sickness and loss: I miss my best friend

LegacyUser

I feel I need to write this, just to put something out there. A huge part of me feels it should be in the bereavement section because that's the extent of the loss I feel now. Every night I go to bed and I'm in our double bed, alone. Her clothes are in the wardrobes. Her shoes are on the floor. Her gorgeous dresses, which remind me of amazing nights and times in our life, are on the back of the door and in another room. But there's just me now, alone in our home. It's so cold. I've never felt this, even on my own as a single person. It's a totally new experience. I just want her home, I just want our old life back.


My fiancée had a bad accident last year. Our world has turned upside down and every week the news seems to get worse and worse. And worse. We haven't walked together since it, we haven't gone to the cinema, the theatre, a concert, we haven't hugged each other but rather tipped each other until she has said it's too painful to embrace. We haven't done any of the things, our things, which united us spiritually. It's all about pain, solutions and a litany of medical incompetence. We haven't lived together since it as she needs medical help which I cannot provide and would not be able to provide during working hours each day. The other day she apologised to me for the pain she caused me by her illness. That's the sort of heartbreaking conversation we're reduced to.

The girl is dying with the pain, on a crazy concoction of pain killers that she has just been told she would have to be weened off before we can have a child as our child would likely end up addicted to them. She, of all people, being warned that should she have a child it could be addicted to drugs because of these painkillers. How can this have happened? Yesterday, for the second time in as many days, she asked me would I like to call off our wedding and leave her because I never signed up for this turn of events (which has got much worse in the past few days). I cried, and I'm crying now thinking of it. We've a date set, everything booked and she has been dreaming of this for as long as I've known her. She has always wanted the big day. But now it looks like she'll be a cripple for it as nothing is working, even the most serious surgery. She is young, highly intelligent and beautiful and things were going brilliant for us. I've found her sexier than ever for the past five years of our life. She's the one. It's just right. It, this dream of us, has sustained me for years. She's my home. That's about as eloquent as I can be about what she means to me.

This is a heartbreaking turn of events. She is a good person, a really, really decent sound down-to-earth person who loves being surrounded by people, and has so many good friends. She really cares for people, and is sensitive and kind to feelings. A complete lady. She is incredibly hardworking, has no addictions except, perhaps, to spending time with her family and friends. They energise her. Health and moderation are central to her life and she has always tried to improve my lifestyle in this regard. Yet this happens to her. She never, ever takes risks and gives out to me for doing so, yet this happens to her. She believes in God, and wants me to go to mass more. She believes, yet this happens.

Why does this sort of thing happen to good people?

barbiegirl

God but that is awful OP. You are in mourning for the life you both thought you would have but won't now. It is a bereavement and I don't think it would do you any harm to talk to a bereavement councellor.

Nobody can answer the what if and why questions. Life is S**t sometimes.

Unfortunately your old life together is gone. She is now different I'm sure as this situation would change anyone. She needs to know you love the her that she was and the her that she now is.

On the pain, I have a friend who spends her life crippled with back pains following a fall. Sometimes she gets relief, sometimes she doesn't. I believe there is a pain management clinic in Dublin that help her.

prinz

I can honestly say that is one of if not the most eloquent, touching, and effective posts I have read on this site. Heart-breaking stuff that puts things in perspective once again. I really wish there was something I could do for you both, but as she seems to be a person of faith I will include her and you in prayers. I'd also echo the suggestion above about counselling. It's a massive trauma psychologically and emotionally for both of you and you'll need care like she does.

I'd also suggest you start writing a journal on your experiences, thoughts and feelings from day to day. You seem to be at ease with communicating through writing so use that talent. It could be of benefit to you, and to others in the future.

agdulamú wrote: »

Why does this sort of thing happen to good people?

Nobody can answer that for you.

thefeatheredcat

I wish there was something I could say that would truly give you the comfort that you need, but I think you have already said what's in your heart that is of a greater comfort to yourself.

I've been through a lot of things in life, nothing as awful or as tragic that has happened to you and your fiancee, but this I can say: this will make you much stronger and if you allow it, can change the direction of life and help you appreciate life in a whole new way. I'm not saying that what has happened is a good thing, but you can choose to dwell and ask why it has happened, what could either of you done in life to deserve something like that to happen and let that aspect control you.... or you can choose to accept it and grow strong from it.

Your fiancee sounds like she feels guilty that it happened.... yet she, no doubt has nothing to feel bad or guilty for it, it has changed her life and yours too and knowing that can impact a person deeply, especially within good natured people who are givers.

There's little I can say of comfort except questioning the why it happened is a route that can be scary and can take away whatever strength you have. And that strength and love that you have for her you need to rely on that, now. Build it. Build strength because she is going to need you to be strong for her, even if she is herself strong.

Every day will be hard but you will pull through. Tell yourself that every day and believe in that.

I echo prinz's suggestion of a journal... even for yourself in getting out what you feel would benefit you and may help you over time.