Mediation

southeastg

Hey guys

Thanks to the Mods for setting this place up.


Can someone recommend a good child psycologist that i could contact. It has becoming an issue during the mediation process that my 2 year old child should not be allowed to see my new partner. This restricts how often i can see my daughter as i cannot take care of her at my new home where my new partner lives.

My ex has declared that it is not appropriate for our child to see a new partner until the age of 4/5 as it would be catasophically damaging to the childs emotional development.

Surely there are ways and methods to introduce a child to a new partner. As the mediator put it, your child wont know what this new persons relationship is with me, she will just be another person to get to know....

Thanks in advance...

Honey-ec

I'd say your GP is your best bet, they should be able to refer you to a good child psychologist.

Abi

southeastg wrote: »

Hey guys

Thanks to the Mods for setting this place up.


Can someone recommend a good child psycologist that i could contact. It has becoming an issue during the mediation process that my 2 year old child should not be allowed to see my new partner. This restricts how often i can see my daughter as i cannot take care of her at my new home where my new partner lives.

My ex has declared that it is not appropriate for our child to see a new partner until the age of 4/5 as it would be catasophically damaging to the childs emotional development.

Surely there are ways and methods to introduce a child to a new partner. As the mediator put it, your child wont know what this new persons relationship is with me, she will just be another person to get to know....

Thanks in advance...

Your ex cannot dictate your life in this way, and it seems to me she just feels threatened by this woman. I wouldn't stand for it.

So long as you're sure that you're serious about this woman, then gradual introduction to the childs life is best. I'm sorry, but you're not supposed to have a life until your child is four of five?!

It seems to me that she's using your daughter to veil her own issues with your new partner. Here is a link to Southside mediation OP http://southdublinmediation.com/

southeastg

Sadly this is only a fraction of the ****e we have had to deal with over the past year,, I would have never thought that she would put her own feelings of hurt before our daughters well being, but today she did, the mediation hasn't worked I will have to go to court where neither of us will win, but she has just pushed too far....:(

Abi

southeastg wrote: »

Sadly this is only a fraction of the ****e we have had to deal with over the past year,, I would have never thought that she would put her own feelings of hurt before our daughters well being, but today she did, the mediation hasn't worked I will have to go to court where neither of us will win, but she has just pushed too far....:(

The thing is, while you say that neither of you will win, it's the kids that really lose out.

Your ex has to understand that children will only deal with a breakup as well as the parents handle it. While she's there spouting about damaging your daughter, she's doing far more damage using her as a pawn.

Have you got an access order in place for your daughter?

southeastg

Abi wrote: »

The thing is, while you say that neither of you will win, it's the kids that really lose out.

Your ex has to understand that children will only deal with a breakup as well as the parents handle it. While she's there spouting about damaging your daughter, she's doing far more damage using her as a pawn.

Have you got an access order in place for your daughter?

Hi Abi,
No there is no access order, we have managed to keep everything away from the courts so far. She has simply left me with no choice, she cannot see past the hurt and anger she feels at the break up of our marriage . Some of the things she has done over the past year , any normal person would have snapped by now. I'm too soft , everyone tells me I've let her away with too much but all I've been thinking about is my daughters well being. You have never met anyone like her, she is patronising , manipulative , condescending . She will twist any situation to suit her motives. For instance. At the beginning she asked me to have my daughter overnight as she wanted to go out. Fine no problem I was delighted as I would have her the whole of the next day as well. . Without any discussion I found myself looking after her the same night every week, I didn't mind I loved having her with me before I went to sleep and she was there when I woke up at 12, 2 and then again at 5 .:) She had dictated the situation as always . Not to mention that the first night she asked me to take a picture of my daughter , to check if I was actually looking after her,she said she just wanted to see her, I said she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her,,,she wasn't having it, I had to take a picture using the flash on my mothers phone and send it to her. Did I mention that I was minding her in my mothers house because I'm not allowed to have my daughter in my new house:mad: . This weekly overnight stopped after a few months.....Anyway during the mediation process I was looking to have her overnight maybe an entire weekend ,,,,,NNNNOOOOO way she said , her daughter should stay in her own house and it wouldnt be in her best interested to wake up in a different house. She has been away on two holidays and spent a lot of nights at her sisters house ,,,,was she not waking up in a strange house then.

The reason I mentioned that is to show how unreasonable this woman is,,,you have no idea,,,the above is the tip of a very large iceberg. I even think the mediator is sick of her, of course she can't say that...

Thanks Abi

Abi

southeastg wrote: »

Hi Abi,
No there is no access order, we have managed to keep everything away from the courts so far. She has simply left me with no choice, she cannot see past the hurt and anger she feels at the break up of our marriage . Some of the things she has done over the past year , any normal person would have snapped by now. I'm too soft , everyone tells me I've let her away with too much but all I've been thinking about is my daughters well being. You have never met anyone like her, she is patronising , manipulative , condescending . She will twist any situation to suit her motives. For instance. At the beginning she asked me to have my daughter overnight as she wanted to go out. Fine no problem I was delighted as I would have her the whole of the next day as well. . Without any discussion I found myself looking after her the same night every week, I didn't mind I loved having her with me before I went to sleep and she was there when I woke up at 12, 2 and then again at 5 .:) She had dictated the situation as always . Not to mention that the first night she asked me to take a picture of my daughter , to check if I was actually looking after her,she said she just wanted to see her, I said she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her,,,she wasn't having it, I had to take a picture using the flash on my mothers phone and send it to her. Did I mention that I was minding her in my mothers house because I'm not allowed to have my daughter in my new house:mad: . This weekly overnight stopped after a few months.....Anyway during the mediation process I was looking to have her overnight maybe an entire weekend ,,,,,NNNNOOOOO way she said , her daughter should stay in her own house and it wouldnt be in her best interested to wake up in a different house. She has been away on two holidays and spent a lot of nights at her sisters house ,,,,was she not waking up in a strange house then.

The reason I mentioned that is to show how unreasonable this woman is,,,you have no idea,,,the above is the tip of a very large iceberg. I even think the mediator is sick of her, of course she can't say that...

Thanks Abi

Oh my word.. Theres a serious amount of manipulation going on here, you're going to have to do something about this. You need to set in stone when you are to have access to your daughter.

As soon as you get a chance, go to your nearest district court office and have them summon her to court for access. You can explain to your ex that the only reason that you are doing this is to ensure you get to spend time with your daughter. Now don't say this bit to her, as she is unlikely to play ball (give you the particular hours / days you want your daughter), but she won't be able to dictate whether your daughter stays in your new home or not. I feel really sorry for you that she's been playing you like this. You seem like a really good Dad.

It's time to put an end to her controlling behaviour, get some access with your daughter set in stone. If she starts messing about she is in contempt of a court order. Judges do not take lightly to this.

You'll have to come back and tell us how you're getting on, you've every right to be a parent, and not under her terms. You've jumped through enough hoops OP

southeastg

Hey guys,

Recently attended mediation session. I was surprised at the start because the mediator said we had been in alot, waiting lists were getting longer and that we would have to finish up soon. I started off by saying that i felt the mediation wasnt working anyway so i would be better off going through the courts. She said no problem and wished me all the best. couldnt believe it-,,,,as i mentioned before i felt i was left with no choice. The mediator continued and said that the courts might not be the best route for my daughter, i said i understand that but i wont be much good to her if im broke and only see her once a week. Financially this woman is breaking me ,,,its absolutely crazy ,, you would not believe her spending.

Long story short we are attending a child psychologist to ask about what is best for our daughter. Among other questions relating to her well being is the question of when and how is best for her to go to my new home and see my new partner. This had been a brick wall until this session. She agreed to abide by the psychologists recommendations, even if this meant that he/she recommended that it was ok for my daughter to be in my house with my new partner. I wanted to see if anyone had any research or information on this topic. The reason i ask is because for once i want to be prepared. We are attending this psychologist together and i know my ex will be eager to put words in the psychologists mouth and interpret anything in a way that suits her, Obviously if the recommendation is not to introduce a new partner for a while i will agree to it. but to be honest i cant see why this would be the case.

Any help is appreciated

Abi

southeastg wrote: »

Hey guys,

Recently attended mediation session. I was surprised at the start because the mediator said we had been in alot, waiting lists were getting longer and that we would have to finish up soon. I started off by saying that i felt the mediation wasnt working anyway so i would be better off going through the courts. She said no problem and wished me all the best. couldnt believe it-,,,,as i mentioned before i felt i was left with no choice. The mediator continued and said that the courts might not be the best route for my daughter, i said i understand that but i wont be much good to her if im broke and only see her once a week. Financially this woman is breaking me ,,,its absolutely crazy ,, you would not believe her spending.

Long story short we are attending a child psychologist to ask about what is best for our daughter. Among other questions relating to her well being is the question of when and how is best for her to go to my new home and see my new partner. This had been a brick wall until this session. She agreed to abide by the psychologists recommendations, even if this meant that he/she recommended that it was ok for my daughter to be in my house with my new partner. I wanted to see if anyone had any research or information on this topic. The reason i ask is because for once i want to be prepared. We are attending this psychologist together and i know my ex will be eager to put words in the psychologists mouth and interpret anything in a way that suits her, Obviously if the recommendation is not to introduce a new partner for a while i will agree to it. but to be honest i cant see why this would be the case.

Any help is appreciated

These people didn't just come down in the last shower OP, they're trained professionals. Despite what your ex says, it won't take the psychologist long to figure out that she has issues of her own impairing her judgement of what is right and wrong for your daughter. As I said before, shes using your daughter as both a pawn and a veil to cover her own feelings on you and your partner.

I have my doubts that she will go along with the psychologists recommendations. If her only motivation was to do the best by her daughter, she would be allowing you all the free time you have to spend with your little girl. Im baffled by the idea of your daughter having to a child psychologist, I don't think theres anything wrong with the child. If anyone needs help, its her. She needs counselling to clear her feelings about you moving on and focus on the important thing, your daughter.

Are you due to meet with the psychologist soon?

southeastg

Thanks Abi,

We are seeing the psychologist next week, our daughter won't be there , the meeting is to ask the question when can she be in her daddy's house and when can she be introduced to daddy's new partner, I'm worried as she seems confident about the outcome, she would be in a job that she could see psychologists and get informal advice ,,,

Abi

southeastg wrote: »

Thanks Abi,

We are seeing the psychologist next week, our daughter won't be there , the meeting is to ask the question when can she be in her daddy's house and when can she be introduced to daddy's new partner, I'm worried as she seems confident about the outcome, she would be in a job that she could see psychologists and get informal advice ,,,

Okay, I misunderstood a little. The psychologist will come out with a fair outcome I believe, and one that will include your current partner.

I think the psychologist will tell her that it is unfair to forbid overnight stays at your home. I can understand your exes POV regarding introducing a child to someone too soon as it maybe confusing for her, however I get the impression that you are with your current partner a while now? The psychologist is going to tell her it is unfair for you to keep up this riggamarole till the child is 4 or 5. That is completely ridiculous. I think your ex is not going to like the outcome of this, and I'm afraid she won't stick to her word as a result.

How long are you with your partner, if you don't mind my asking? Also hase your ex ever met her?

southeastg

Not at all Abi, we have been together for a year and a half , we have been living together very happily for a year inspite of my exs activities

Abi

southeastg wrote: »

Not at all Abi, we have been together for a year and a half , we have been living together very happily for a year inspite of my exs activities

A year and a half is more than enough time, your ex is throwing spanners in the works purely because she feels threatened or jealous or both. Trust me, the psychologist will see through her, and she's not going to like what's going to be said to her.

If she doesn't stick to her promise about following what is recommended, then I suggest you go to your nearest district court and get something official in terms of access. No judge is going to turn around and tell you not to bring your daughter to your home.

I hope you get something sorted soon, it's unfair that you have to dance to her tune just to spend time with your child. Im sure your daughter would like your partner, she's just not being given the chance to.

southeastg

Thank you for your encouraging words , you have no idea how much it means to me, people say it always darkest before the dawn ( well Florence and the machine does anyway) they just don't say how bloody dark it really gets. Financially my exs spending and attitude has crippled me, something she said she would do from the beginning, I'm no angel in all this I'll hold my hands up and admit to my mistakes. She just consistently lies and manipulates , but is so cute about it, doing it with a smile on her face. She isn't even any good at lying.

Sorry nothing seems to be going right at the moment, don't mean to moan. I'll let you know how things go.

Thanks

Abi

southeastg wrote: »

Thank you for your encouraging words , you have no idea how much it means to me, people say it always darkest before the dawn ( well Florence and the machine does anyway) they just don't say how bloody dark it really gets.

You're welcome. I can see you're a good man, and that you're being bullied right, left and centre.

Financially my exs spending and attitude has crippled me, something she said she would do from the beginning, I'm no angel in all this I'll hold my hands up and admit to my mistakes. She just consistently lies and manipulates , but is so cute about it, doing it with a smile on her face. She isn't even any good at lying.

This bit is interesting, how is she doing this to you? Has there been no agreement on what is going to be paid? Scarily, it sounds like theres nothing in place

Sorry nothing seems to be going right at the moment, don't mean to moan. I'll let you know how things go.

Thanks

You're not moaning, and I don't mind replying

I think shes playing on the fact that you're not up to speed on your rights, both in terms of your daughter and finances. The more I hear of this woman, the angrier I'm getting for you.

Please do report back, I'd love to hear an improvement in your situation, and you sort that woman out for once and for all! The psychologist is this week isn't it? If I were you, this would be a marker as to what you should do next. This is last chance saloon for your ex in my head. I'm intrigued about the money situation..

cgh

i can see that your ex has issues with you having your daughter overnight in your new partners house, but what about your ex. has she anyone new. does this introducing new partners include her side. just thought i'd ask?

BurnTheRain

This may sound like strange advice but it seems to me that the main problem is that your ex is so bitter and hurt that she just wants to punish you.

How about letting her?

I am coming from the other side as a recent 'dumpee' and can't describe the level of anger and bitterness that I feel towards my ex. I still love her loads and despite this and the fact that I was previously a rational and sane human being, a lifetime of punishment seems pretty good to me (although thankfully resisted).

I don't know if you could get her to attend a relationship counsellor but it would give her an opportunity to really beat you up - and she gets to do it in front of someone else. You say in front of her in what ways you were wrong and her feelings will probably gain some perspective. The process may suck for you (although you also get your side heard) and hopefully the pressure (I promise you it feels like pressure) will be vented enough that she feels that it is enough to punish you within the process.

I know the last thing you probably feel like doing is giving her anything or entering into any further unnecessary engagement, but thinking of the bigger picture this may work.

Good luck either way.

southeastg

hi guys,

Im really sorry for letting this go cold,(especially Abi) ive been moving house and there has been a lot going on regarding the seperation. Well i should say a lot going on but not much happening.


Im sure most who are going through a seperation involving children will feel the same way i do.. i have to deal with this person for the rest of my life:eek: That is very difficult to deal with....parties,, communion,,confirmation,,for my daughter i will put my feelings towards my ex aside and focus on her. This is very very difficult,, im sure its difficult for her too but she always seems to be the aggressor, the one dictating things, i suppose thats the way things were when we were together , why should they change now.


We attended the child psychologist,,not very helpful, she was young and very vague. I was very nervous beforehand, up until this point my ex had been saying the experts recommended that a child should not be introduced to a new partner or daddys new home for 4 or so years after seperation. I thought my ex was going to be quoting studies and research that she had read,,,, she sat there and said F**King nothing. Unbelieveable!! She is so calculating and manupultive. There was no studies, no research for her to quote to the psychologist. She told me what she wanted me to hear and when an impartial expert was involved she couldnt lie anymore. God im sick of her, im not like her, im not calculated or vengeful.

So we went back to the mediator, she was meant to book the next appointment but beacuse the facts didnt suit her motives she didnt so i had to do it,,the psychologist did say that waiting for that long isnt a good idea and that my daugther should visit her daddys house in the near future and then possibly meet my new partner, she agreed that my daughter could visit my house soon, which she has done,,and guess what she is fine..

I had a week off work recently, my g/f was off as well, knowing this my ex waited till the last minute, seriously, Monday morning 9 o clock she text me to say she was going to Dublin. My g/f and i had plans which i had to cancel and then i had to kindly ask her to leave her own home because she isnt allowed to see my daughter...ridiculous.

Honestly i can actually deal with all the crap she throws at me, she is the one with the problem. The thing that is getting to me is that i feel like im losing touch with my little girl as the weeks go by, im afraid that she is going to be like her mother and her mothers family, there not bad people they just think that they are better than everyone and have this moral high ground.

Whats in the cat comes out in the kitten!!

i see this with my ex and her mother, it would kill me to see my daughter turn out like her mother,,,to be honest im thinking of moving away, my daughter is the only thing keeping me here. I was thinking about this a while ago and i thought no way, i couldnt leave her, my perfect little angel, But it grinds on you and there isnt anyone i can turn to so im dealing with it on my own. So i have the prospect of staying and gradually seeing my daughter turn into her mother and being alienated from her life,,,,sometimes i just get tired of it:(

Abi

Hey southe, I'm glad you came back I am sorry to hear this saga is still going on, it's not fair to you or your daughter. There is a term for this I can't remember, but it's basically one parent alienating the child or children from the other parent, and it's frowned upon in court.

Why don't you formalize your access in court? If she doesnt allow this she is in breach of her access order and you can bring her back to court. I really wish you would take this route, because you no longer have to keep up this crap of keeping your daughter and partner apart. The claims that it would damage your daughter is just manipulative shoite because she hates seeing you've moved on.

Let the bullying stop here, please please just take her to court for access, there's no need for you to be dancing to her tune southe.

southeastg

Hi everyone,

The mediation is nearly finished, what a waste of time. At the beginning I was convinced that the mediator was on my ex's side. After a couple of sessions I dismissed the idea. Now I'm in no doubt that she has been on her side all along. Its so obvious to me when I think about it. She is meant to be impartial but her attitude towards our situation is plain to see. On at least 4 seperate occasions I raised the issue of not being able to afford child maintenance payments, this was brushed to the side and not dealt with. So the fifth time I made sure I was heard, by shouting!!!! In a way I was playing into my ex,s hands shouting and being irrational but the fact is I'm broke because this woman has bled me dry and still comes back for more. I found myself leaving the mediation sessions with my head in a spin wondering, what just happened. I'm not saying mediation isn't a bad idea, its just that for me with a biased mediator and a horrible ex to death with, it isn't. So instead of compromising just a little now my ex is going to have to go to court where neither of us are going to get what we want. This might seem a bit foolish but I'd rather have a judge dictating my situation than my ex.

up for anything

southeastg wrote: »

Whats in the cat comes out in the kitten!!

i see this with my ex and her mother, it would kill me to see my daughter turn out like her mother,,,to be honest im thinking of moving away, my daughter is the only thing keeping me here. I was thinking about this a while ago and i thought no way, i couldnt leave her, my perfect little angel, But it grinds on you and there isnt anyone i can turn to so im dealing with it on my own. So i have the prospect of staying and gradually seeing my daughter turn into her mother and being alienated from her life,,,,sometimes i just get tired of it:(

This bit I found a little overly dramatic. Stop thinking about leaving if you want to have a proper hand in your daughter's life and prevent her from taking on her mother's coloration. Running away because you can't take the pressure isn't the answer. If you had your daughter living with you full time there would still be other stresses and problems that you would have to work through while presenting a calm and happy front to your daughter. That is what parents do. They stick around and do the best for their children.

I have huge sympathy for you with the situation with the mediator. They really suck! After four sessions with ours I called a halt to it. She just didn't grasp any point I made and very definitely sided with my ex even though I could see she was fed up with him already. I think she just wanted rid of us. I found her extremely helpful even to the point that she knew I was mentally and physically scared of him at that time but still placed me in situations where I was alone with him.

My advice would be to place it all in the hands of a reputable family law solicitor or perhaps try and find enough money to go to these people - One Resolve. According to my solicitor their aim is spend a day with the couple - each of them having a solicitor present or on hand to be consulted during mediation so neither party agrees to something that isn't in their own interests or the childs without the advice of a solicitor. It would go something like mediation, alone time with a solicitor to discuss the proposals put forward, back to mediation to mediate the proposals again if necessary and so on until at the end of the day you leave clutching a separation/maintenance/custody agreement agreeable to both parties to present to the court cutting out the months of back and forth between the couple and their solicitors.

Taltos

OP - please read what you wrote a few times. Focus on your reaction there to frustration - and whatever else you do learn from it.

If you do end up going to court - looking likely now since mediation appears not to have worked for you - whatever else you do - keep your cool. Outbursts like this will just work against you.

Any chance you can get an alternate mediator - or speak to the one you are currently using - to apologise and to explain why you lashed out - but apologise...You won't be the first person who has lost it in there. As you know mediation is the cheaper route in the longrun to go - but it doesn't always work. Sometimes the mediator cannot help both parties find a common ground for whatever reason.

I know this is the last thing you want to do but do try to work through this and learn from it. The last thing your case needs whether in court or not is you getting the reputation of a hot-head even when someone else knows what buttons to press...

braceface

Hi
I'm pretty new to this, but reading it from the other side - I'm the mother at home while my ex and his new partner live together. I don't know why you haven't gone to court already to get the maintenance and access formalised if you felt mediation wasn't working? We have an appointment coming up because he was the one texting me to cancel arrangements / changing the amount he was paying me etc. He was dictating when / where he would see our son and I couldn't get control of the situation.

Was it a very bitter break up? Your daughter is 2 but you've been with your new partner a year & half? My ex cheated while I was pregnant with his new partner, hence why I hate the idea of my son being around her - what kind of people do that? But I know I have no say in the situation and I can't stop my son spending time with his dad.

Hope it all works out - and soon, your daughter will pick up on the tensions even at this young age