fed up with best friend of nearly 20 years!

poozers

ill try keep this as short as possible! we're both 25! we've gone to school together since we started! we've lived around the corner from eachother since we were both about 2 and started playing together when we were about 5-6! we nearly have our own language we're so close!

after a break up with her boyfriend last september, she went out a lot and i never heard from her hardly! she wouldnt answer her phone and wouldnt even reply to me on facebook!i thought she wasn't talking to me for some reason, and i didnt know what it was! she then confessed in november that she thought she might have depression and that she's sorry she's being so distant! immediately, i ran to her and told her that i would be here for her. i was genuinely really worried about her!!
but i asked her about a week after she told me this, how she was doing, and she said "oh im grand now!". i know she probably just didnt want to talk about it, but it was like taking a step backward (i didnt press her any more).
she used to have a problem with drugs in her teens, and about 6 weeks ago, she started seeing a new guy, who i know is massively into drugs. she claims that he doesnt carry drugs on him and that he refuses to give her drugs, but theres only so much of that i believe you know?! and i dont want to accuse her of anything, so i just act like i believe her! is that wrong to do?
anyway, my main beef with her is that i have seen her twice in the last 6 weeks! i know she hasnt been in college in a month, after getting in trouble for her attendence, which i know isnt my business, but it does of course concern me! she never rings me, but shes CONSTANTLY on facebook (she's the type who update their status every 10 mins) And maybe its ridiculous "facebook paranoia", but i feel like she's even ignoring me on it! about 2 months ago we'd always be commenting on eachothers stuff but nothing now!! ive been living in a new house for a month and she has made no effort to come see it(about a ten minute walk from her house through the city) !
last week we met up for a coffee, but when her boyfriend was finished doing his errands in town, she ran off to meet him!
on monday afternoon around 2,she text me to say she would call to my house. I was waiting around for her till 8 o clock that night! we had a bit of a tiff over text msgs, me telling her i was waiting around for her all day, she said was waiting for her boyfriend to go meet someone, then she was going to call to my house! i told her i had to go out somewhere, and to leave it!!! i was so mad with her! and she barely shows interest in how my life is these days!!!
i know its probably a classic case of friends drifting apart... we dont have the same circle of friends anymore! i have mine and she has hers, but we always made the time for eachother, she is very popular and sociable and has lots of friends, and i admit i would love to be like that too sometimes. im a very shy person and find it hard to make friends, but i am happy with the fact that even tho i may have very few friends, the ones i have are very very good solid friends!
i dont know what to do!! she might be mad at me for not trying to contact her more than i did, or for not pressing her further on how she was feeling depressed! when i see her on facebook, my blood boils!!!!! what do you do in a situation like this with someone you have been so close with for so long??? i dont want to be the first one to contact her after our little tiff cos im just so mad and i dont want to back down!!!

I know i said id try make this short!! sorry!!!

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with Sunflower27 friendships don't last forever. People come into and go out of your life.

Don't blame yourself from what you have said you haven't done anything wrong. You're just growing apart which is a natural part of life.

Don't delete her off facebook if you don't want but what I would recommend is that you say to yourself: i expect nothing from her. Don't feel entitled that she contact you etc.

It will be difficult but people drift apart.

Best of luck
x

LegacyUser

The above posters are correct that friendships do not last forever. However, by the sounds of your post it is more. It sounds to me that she may be turning back to her old ways. Has she acted like this before to you? What happened after she got herself sorted out? The mere fact that she is not showing up to college, admitted to you about her depression and now dating a guy that is into drugs is not a case of friends drifting apart, imo.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can really do for her at this point but tell her that you will be there for her.

All the best xx

poozers

thanks for the replies! yes, forgot password ( )this has happened before when we were in our teens... her past drug problem was pretty serious! i cut contact with her for a few months cos she was lying to me big time about nearly everything! but she pulled herself up and has been doing absolutely great since she was about 21. ever since then, we were in contact with each other every single day! it is a bit more than drifting apart i think too!

and i think Sunflower27, you are totally right in saying that she doesnt want pressure or judgement from me, which is why she used to lie to me when we were teenagers.
I was no angel when i was young so its not as if she would see me as this completely innocent person who would look down on someone who did things like that, she knows im very open minded and accepting of what some people do. that doesnt mean i agree with it now, but i would never judge someone.
when she told me that she was feeling depressed, she said sometimes theres things that she hates telling me, and i assured her that i would never judge her!!! and she told me how shes lucky to have me in her life keeping her grounded with my support! but it just seems that that means feck all now!
i wouldnt delete her off facebook, but i get SO mad when i see her put up pictures of herself out with her friends or constant status updates about random ****e, and seeing her organising with her friends to go for coffee or something! i admit it makes me very jealous, but i never was before when she made time for me! and i think its fair enough of me to be jealous and mad!
it most definitely is like the break up of a romantic relationship! im constantly thinking about the whole situation and wishing it just didnt happen and i wish we were like we were 3 months ago!

just a thought, if it was a case of friends drifting apart, would the whole situation bother and upset me so much? (that may sound like a snarky sarcastic question, but its genuinely not meant to sound that way! )

LegacyUser

poozers wrote: »

i cut contact with her for a few months cos she was lying to me big time about nearly everything! but she pulled herself up and has been doing absolutely great since she was about 21. ever since then, we were in contact with each other every single day! it is a bit more than drifting apart i think too!

I am sure when things get better for her, she will come to you. She is distancing because she knows that you did not tolerate this behaviour before. I commend you for setting boundaries because you do not want to be involved in that mess. It is a natural response on her part. In all honesty, based on your relationship you sound more like sisters and she treats you as such. I know many people in similar predicaments as her and do not feel comfortable disclosing everything. It is not because of fear of judgment or rejection, it is more about hurt, shame and guilt.

So your friend not feeling comfortable sharing certain things with you, don't take this personally. All you can do is be there for her when she wants to talk or a shoulder to cry on. For now, focus on you and take care of you.

poozers wrote: »

i wouldnt delete her off facebook, but i get SO mad when i see her put up pictures of herself out with her friends or constant status updates about random ****e, and seeing her organising with her friends to go for coffee or something! i admit it makes me very jealous, but i never was before when she made time for me! and i think its fair enough of me to be jealous and mad!

just a thought, if it was a case of friends drifting apart, would the whole situation bother and upset me so much? (that may sound like a snarky sarcastic question, but its genuinely not meant to sound that way! )

Well if it is a case of friends drifting apart, of course it will hurt. All you can do is move on with the friends you have now. Remember dear it is not about the quantity of friends you have but the quality that matters. Don't preoccupy yourself with Facebook. In fact, go on a facebook diet. Focus on you, go out and take on new hobbies and meet new people.

Take care of yourself xx

poozers

i know i should be there for her when she comes around, like i told her i would, but with the way she has been acting towards me and the way she just ditched me when she found something she thought was better or (more fun) came along, why should i be there for her??!! if i cant depend on her, why can she depend on me?? im so mad with her now, havent heard from her since last week!! i have her hidden on FB, but i check her page every now and then (like a right facebook stalker )

squonk

Hi OP. It's natural to worry about your friends and be pretty sad when they move on to do their own thing. I've been through stuff like this myself. I found though that you sitting there worrying doesn't help matters at all and doesn't contribute anything to the other person in the long run. Each of us has free will so we're responsible for our own lives and how we live them, and also whose advice we take too.

Some people also don't always approach friendship with the same high standards others expect. People change over time also. At the same time, relationships often alter friendships because the relationship certainly can initially overtake the friendship so you might blow off your friends if you have an option of spending time with your OH.

Life is random. You never know who will stay with you and who will go. I had great friends when I was 5 or 6 who I rarely see now and a few friends from Secondary who I keep in contact with. The bulk of my friends come from college. You can't dictate what will happen. some friends you do grow apart from while some you rarely hear from but when you do, nothing has changed and you take up again like it was only yesterday when you last met.

Get on with your own life and make your own friends. You have put in the work on this friendship and your friend knows where you stand and that you'll be ready when she needs you again. In future it may be you looking to back off for some other reason. The way I look at it, my real friends get to act like jackasses at times and get forgiven for it because we're not all 100% good all the time and overall, hanging out with them is worth more than not having them around. They only get a few jackass passes a year though!

LegacyUser

I know how this feels. I have (had?) a really close friend that i talk to literally every day, but recently her attitude stinks. I've had some problems with self esteem and have been quite down for pretty much most of the year and i thought she'd be there for me, understanding, but she told me recently that she can't be fully there for me because she is busy studyin for her final year. I completely understand this and accept it, but it was still hard to hear.

The latest thing is we were at a party, and i was a bit stressed (family party) and i lost something and this friend was saying well you obviously didn't look hard enough, and i said how do you KNOW i didnt, you weren't with me, but again she said well you obviously didn't.. she just thinks she knows everything and it's really starting to piss me off. if i try talk to her, she gets pissed off and starts saying jesus this and jesus that and eff sake etc etc etc.. and to be honest, i've just stopped texting her because i'm afraid of another outburst from her because i've said something "wrong" (in her eyes)..

Anyway, the point of this post is that i know how you feel, and all I can say really is, focus on yourself, and try to stop worrying about it. Believe me, I know how hard it is, but I've learnt that it makes me ill stressing about this stuff, and that if she really cares for me, she will notice and hopefully contact me again, which will hopefully happen for you. but for now, focus on you and making yourself happy. she will soon realise what she's missing by not being in contact with you.

poozers

hi everyone, again, thanks for the replies. more drama has come along! well, my friend is getting worse and worse.

i got about 5 or 6 very incoherent out of the blue texts from her yesterday morning at about 7 or 8am (she was high and drunk), she told me that she tried to OD that night!!! she was thanking me for being constant in her life, and how she's trying so hard to overcome her problems and that shes very scared of herself at the moment and how much she loves me, it wasnt a "suicide message" cos she told me that she really needs to see me soon, and that she would ring me that night (which she didn't).

i tried ringing her when i got the msgs about 9am, her phone was off. i sent her an FB mail message (which i knew would be more reliable than sending it to her phone) basically saying that ill be calling to her house after work and we could talk about things, no bull**** between us. i told her i loved her and not to worry. i worded my message so she wouldnt think i would call to her house and give out to her and have an unpleasant conversation, but just 2 friends talking.

THEN that evening she's up and about on bloody facebook (again!!!) going on bout how she has had a lovely evening pigging out and she was being spoilt by her boyfriend with food and "cuddles". never acknowledged the message i sent to her, no reply or any hint on how she was really feeling.

i text her and asked her if she was around, she wrote back and said she was going out, no kind of "maybe tomorrow?" suggestions or anything, just "no, im going out". basically once again avoiding me!
i take cries for help like those messages very seriously (as anyone would!), and she completely brushed me off. i try to get her to meet me, or let me call up to her house, and she ignores it. im so sick of it, as its not the first time shes told me these things, but never talked to me about them!!! what can i do to help, if she wont let me help her???!!
i have her hidden on FB, but i do stupidly check her page about once a day, just to see what shes up to, out of curiosity, and thats the biggest problem i have, is not being able to not look at her facebook!!!! am i the bigger eejit here??!! i cant delete her as a friend, no matter how ridiculous it may sound, deleting someone off facebook is a massive insult these days and especially for my friend, if I deleted her, she would never speak to me again!!! :rolleyes:
i can understand someone being embarrassed over msgs like that, and not wanting to talk about it, but if she is going to be texting me saying things like she did, she's looking for help off me and these things have to be talked about. but i tried to offer it, and she wont accept it sober!!!!!!!!!
shes losing everyone, my sister doesnt want her near my nieces and nephews over the drugs. shes distanced herself, not only from me, but from her own family. wont tell them anything about her boyfriend in person, yet goes on about him on fb where her sisters, brother and uncles sees it!!! i know shes losing other friends too that i dont really know, and as far as i can tell, her boyfriends friends are really aggressive thugs!!!

how can i accept now, after those messages, that we were just drifting apart? im so mad at her right now, and i know i wont hear from her at all for another few weeks!!! should i push myself on her and force her to talk to me??? i can only see that making things worse! this has been going on for months, and im so tired of it!!!

AhInFairness

poozers wrote: »

how can i accept now, after those messages, that we were just drifting apart? im so mad at her right now, and i know i wont hear from her at all for another few weeks!!! should i push myself on her and force her to talk to me??? i can only see that making things worse! this has been going on for months, and im so tired of it!!!

Ah hun, that all sounds awful. It sounds like you have done all that you can though. I know how much it hurts to see someone you care about crashing and burning but you can't make her take your help and you can't make her get help for herself. She has to do this on her own.

If I were in your position I think I would have to disengage myself at this point safe in the knowledge that I had done my best to offer help and support. Your friend clearly has problems for which she needs to seek help, but she can't continue to abuse your friendship the as she has been. You're tired of it and I don't think anyone would fault you for that.

Maybe send one last message letting her know that you will be here for her when she wants to get herself some help but until then you can't be her emotional punching bag. Try not to engage with her on facebook or by text unless she actually shows you that she genuinely wants to get help for her problems.

I hope it all works out for you.

The next time she sends you a message like that tell her you're sorry to hear it and you'll pass it on to her boyfriend or family so they can understand and support her. Then cut her off.

You don't need drama like this in your life, so forget her.