My wife does everything...

CyberDave

We hired a contractor last July to build our house and it's nearing completion now in that we 'hope' to be in it come the Summer.

Much of the organizing and planning for it was done by my wife, with me more or less only involved in picking the style of doors, bathroom suites etc. She has been really great and even more so because we had a baby daughter last December. She met the contractor regularly to make the payments and discuss decisions to be made, reporting back to me. I have been busy with work, with overtime required regularly, but feel a bit useless at this stage and even get caught out at times when people ask me specific questions about the house. I haven't put half as much into it as she has.

Is it a regular occurrence for the wife to do all the planning or am I just a useless b@34ard. I feel guilty that she has been so good with so little help from me. I'm only free for helping at the weekends. As the finer details are finished in the house I hope to be more use, as there will be stuff like painting and moving our stuff in to do.

Acoshla

I've been doing up my boyfriend's house since I met him 3.5 years ago, I would say I've done 70% of the work (that could be done by us not tradesmen), I've picked all colours, all fittings, furniture, flooring, etc, etc, and I've painted every room because he hates painting. He has knocked off tiles, booked tradesmen, lifted heavy things, offered a few minor opinions, and paid for most of it (because it's his house), he is often busy but also just plain hates anything housey so if he does it it's because I've begged him to! So don't feel bad, different people have different strengths, and I personally really enjoy all of that planning stuff so maybe your wife does too?

LegacyUser

I work in the construction industry. Trust me, it's not uncommon for women to take a more leading role with regards to organising payments and checking up on contractors etc. In fact I'd go so far as to say it's about 50/50 of men taking more charge of things and women doing the same.

If you're busy at work during the week, she should be taking more charge because a lot of the planning and organising has to be done during the week because there are so many people who need to be kept in the loop about any changes etc. The builder might have a query about something, which means the client (you or your wife) has to be contacted, the architect/engineer might need to be consulted, sub-contractors might need to be informed etc.

I'd say just to try and not leave everything up to your wife and do whatever you can to keep yourself in the loop and help where you can, but building can be very stressful and if you're at work so much and doing a lot of overtime, nobody can really fault you for not knowing every detail of what's going on.

Daisy M

I dont know why you are worrying, if you and your wife are happy with the way its going and she doesnt feel overworked or you pushed out then theres no problem. Are other people making you feel a bit inferior for not been more hands on?

CyberDave

She's generally happy enough, but she gets stressed out at times when stuff goes wrong or if she makes a mistake with a decision and I cannot do much to help, because she is the one with the knowledge, not me. She really is brilliant, but I just feel like I should help more. She is generally more outgoing than me and better able to deal with people, I am quiet introverted and am nervous around people I'm not used of. It suits her better to do the wheeling and dealing if you will. She has got some fantastic deals for the house, that there is no way I would've got.

username123

CyberDave wrote: »

It suits her better to do the wheeling and dealing if you will. She has got some fantastic deals for the house, that there is no way I would've got.

Thats brilliant! Just make sure and show her you appreciate her!

silly

I really don't get what the issue is here. You have a great wife! Be happy! She probably doesn't mind or wouldn't mind doing it all if she was aware that all her hard work was appreciated. Just make sure you tell her that.

WhyGoBald

If you feel you want to "make it up" to her in some way (not that she necessarily feels it a burden), take more than your share of the housework for a while (such as cooking), or plan a short getaway, just something to make your wife feel appreciated and to give her a break from the stress of it.

gud4u

I am the wife that did that.....

Just be sure she knows how much you appreciate it. I did it beacuse my huband was busy like you, so it's all part of working as a team. That's marraige.

Do all the little things like painting, putting up fixtures, hanging pictures or tidying the garden to be. But, do it because you want to, not out of guilt or because you have to.

If she is upset about making wrong decisions, reassure her that even if it was the wrong thing to do, she wasn't to know and your ok with whatever she decides as you trust her, even when she's wrong:D:D, I made a few humdingers but the contractor told me if you built 10 houses, you'd still get something wrong, so that used to make me feel better.

If you want to do something special, take the baby and send her out with her mates, but it sounds like you have a good thing going and appreciate that you both work hard and do what you can.

My husband did leave too much to me and actually interfered a couple of times, this was the only problem we had which led to many a fight.

Doing a few jobs when we were moving in would certainly have helped towards showing his appreciation:rolleyes::)

gerryk

OP, in my situation, the roles were completely reversed. I did the bulk of the 'detail' work... as in arranging draw-downs, sorting issues on site etc. This has little to do with gender, and more to do with aptitude. My wife has an excellent eye for design and aesthetic, but no interest in either the engineering aspects, or the organisational aspects. As such, we collaborated heavily in the overall look of the house, but as to how this was achieved technically, was very much between me and the builder.
I also took control of the budget for the most part, again, because it's something to which I gravitate.
The end result was very much a team effort, however. I couldn't have done it without my wife, and I'm sure she'd say the same.