holiday woes-disheartened

LegacyUser

ok going unregistered for this one, Im at the end of my tether, I am away on a sun holiday with my girlfriend(were both early 30´s) we have been going out nearly a year and its our first proper holiday and we both decided to bring her teenage child, I had no problem with this as i knew she would miss her otherwise and it would be a trial run for the future.

We are all staing in the same room however I was being very careful about being intimate with my g/f in front of the child as the child clearly has a problem with this(and would be very happy to have me gone and her mother all to herself) and is very territorial where her mother is concerned which I completely understand, however despite my best efforts trying to bond/play/swim this week I hae had some "spats" with the child over not answering me when i talk to her and the odd 1 with my girlfriend as we have barely spent 2 hours alone this week, we went for dinner for 1 night for an hour and we sat beside each other on the balcony a couple of times, and im sensing that any time we do have alone my g/f wants to be left alone, I have tried to raise this with her and she dosent really want to talk about it, then things came to a head yesterday morning, i went down to my g/f sunbathing at the pool, she asked me to go away that she didnt want to sound rude but she wanted sometime to herself, i got upset at this and said that was rude.

I got a bit distressed at this stage and said it was not right that she as my girlfriend would not want to spend soem alone time with me, she said we had been together all week(with the child) and that I was possessive(and her child thought the same) and had abandonment issues (very cooly) I got very angry at this and now we are not talking and we fly home tomorrow- i now feel neither wants to spend time with me and i feel that we cannot bond until this is resolved, i wrote her a little note and Im now very angry and frustrated with her(and now the child) and I want to go home - I tried to resolve this this mornign with my girlfriend but she tried to spin it that I dont want to spend time with them, that i have maturity and anger issues and then walked off as cool as you like.
I feel "ignored" and I feel this is not right and dont know whether to spend time with them today and put on a brave face or pack it in and go off and spend my last day of my holiday on my own. any helpful advice appreciated.

Meller

You're not the child in this situation.

Her child is going on holidays with their mom's relatively new boyfriend, who they probably don't know that well, for the first time. Of course the child is going to be your girlfriend's priority, and no matter how much an effort you make, it's going to take this kid a while to adjust and feel comfortable with you.

You're the adult, so naturally your girlfriend is going to expect you to cope with the discomfort and awkwardness better than her young teenage child will. So she will attend to her/him first.

I know you probably expected to have a nice holiday with your girlfriend, but tbh I think that was always going to be a difficult with the child there anyway - it's sort of a big deal for a kid so by her coming with you, it made it more about her than about you. Your girlfriend is putting her child first, because that is her responsibility, and probably expected you to understand that.

squonk

Dump them both. You'll always be playing second fiddle to the child when push comes to shove. The child is, you say, a teenager so should have some bit of cop themselves at this stage too. Personally I'd leave them to each other's company seeing as they seem happiest there.

Neyite

Firstly, what age is the daughter?

If she is a young teen, you cant expect that she sits in a room bored watching foreign telly for a night while you wine and dine her mum. I wouldnt leave any minor unsupervised in a strange location- least of all on holiday. Even an older teen I would be concerned, because there is far worse that they could get up to.

You werent on a romantic holiday with your girlfriend and a tag-along. You were on a family holiday where it would have been a good way to focus on fostering a relationship with the child rather than trying to find ways to exclude an already resentful child from parts of the holiday, by wanting some "alone time" with your girlfriend.

When your girlfriend told you to give her some space, it was probably because all she wanted was a nice relaxing holiday but instead got her daughter moaning about you and you moaning about the daughter.

I presume when you mean "careful with intimacy" that you are talking about kissing or cuddling and that you knew sex and all its variants were off the table since you were all sharing a room? Because expecting a teen to lie in a single bed hearing squeaks and other noises form the other side of the room would be seriously "ick"

LegacyUser

sorry just to add the daughter is 13, some ppl have sex on the brain!, im not talking about time alone for you know what, im talking about time alone at the pool to just talk, the other stuff was off the table and thats not even an issue i slept in my bed, im not trying to win any competition with her daughter and have tried to spend more time with her than anyone

thefeatheredcat

The best thing that you can do right now OP is simply make your peace, apologise to them both and realise that how you behave now (in taking off on your own) could jeopardize the relationship.

What good will come off disappearing and ignoring them for the day? Nothing except that what your girlfriend said about you will be proven right and will end the holiday on a sour note and they could even end up getting worried if you're ok or end up getting the blame for spoiling the holiday even if they also contributed.

Certainly you may feel a bit ignored, but I guess it's the expectation of the holiday itself (what originally was a couple's holiday for spending time together and relaxing together has turned into a family holiday where attention needs to be focused on more than just one person and their attention needs) is playing as a theme and you are best to just embrace the remainder of the holiday and make the best of it.

Put what has happened aside make amends and just make the most of the remainder of the time there - include yourselves in a fun engaging activity that you can all enjoy.

And end the holiday on a happy note, sure you could end up laughing about it in years to come. I know my parents and family holidays we had there was always a fight and an arguement (between parents, between siblings, between parents and children) but we always put it aside and just got on with it, and made the best of it.

MissFlitworth

first holiday woes wrote: »

sorry just to add the daughter is 13, some ppl have sex on the brain!, im not talking about time alone for you know what, im talking about time alone at the pool to just talk

You genuinely can't have time alone when you're on holidays with a young teenager on their own, they're too old for a babysitter, too old for naps or early nights and too young to leave by themselves. How would you even get time alone at the pool without deliberately excluding the kid? Sounds like you were expecting a very different holiday to what you got, but you should maybe take a step back & relax & spend the day with your girlfriend and her daughter tomorrow. If possible the next time you head off either go by yourselves or bring a friend for the daughter so you spend a little time by yourselves. You should definitely expect to spend dinner times/evenings with teenagers, leaving them by their adventurous selves in a resort is a recipe for disaster

LegacyUser

thats a very helpful suggestion about bringing a friedn for the daughter- ok hadnt had anytime to reply until now just home, hmm ok I suppose that I never went with the expectation of a couples holiday with a tag along arrangement I always knew i was going to be second fiddle and im fine with that, we went out every night to dinner together and did most activities together the only exception was me gladly going off on walks to let them shop togerther etc. which i had no problem with and if anything I probably spent more time with the child this week, at no stage did i try to engineer a situation where it was just me and the g/f however my big problem was that any precious time we did have alone my girlfriend was trying to get rid of me and wanted to be alone which i dont feel was right-that was what really upset me not the playing second fiddle bit-we had a bit of a chat about it after my first post and i did make the best of it however things were civil and inclusive but ive come home feeling very disheartned and i suppose as the week went on the more the child made a point to ignore me also that made it harder but i can live with that

Idle Passerby

Hi OP. You mention that you went off by yourself a few times to give your girlfriend and her daughter a chance to be alone together. If your girlfriend spent all the rest of the time with you when would she get to be alone and relax without having to entertain someone/keep them company? It was her holiday too, I'm sure she just wanted to have a while to herself to sunbathe or read a book or whatever.

Going out with a mother you will never come first I'm afraid. I think thats just something you have to accept.

Mighty_Mouse

it would be a trial run for the future.

So knowing this.............and this..........

is very territorial where her mother is concerned

…you proceed to portray yourself as needy, insecure, and attention-seeking

had some "spats" with the child over not answering me when i talk to her

You're the "new guy". You have to earn her respect. You can't just expect her to "respect you as an adult". You can't just waltz in and expect to have even the smallest authority over her kid!

and the odd 1 with my girlfriend as we have barely spent 2 hours alone this week,

You are sharing a room with your gf & her child.
I presume you're general demeanour and need for attention was putting your gf in an impossible situation between her child & you. Doesn't make for fun-times eh?

I have tried to raise this with her and she dosent really want to talk about it, then things came to a head yesterday morning, i went down to my g/f sunbathing at the pool, she asked me to go away that she didnt want to sound rude but she wanted sometime to herself,

She's on holiday. Both her new guy & her child are spitting the dummy.
You choose to have "relationship chats" expecting that if you talk it out the situation will resolve itself.

i got upset at this and said that was rude.

Again with the drama. If somebody asks to be left in peace, the correct answer is "sorry to interrupt, enjoy the sun, catch you later."

I got a bit distressed at this stage, said it was not right that she as my girlfriend would not want to spend soem alone time with me

More drama.
It's almost childish and again screams insecurity.
You were never likely to get your GF to yourself on this holiday.
You create this horrible environment with your behaviour & then expect to lay back & look at the stars?. Romance cannot be contrived in such a manner.
A better plan would have been to realise from the start that it was a 3person/1 room holiday with a child who's likely going to hate your guts for at least the first 2 years of your relationship with her mother.
You show clumsiness and a lack of empathy in dealing with this obvious fact.

I was possessive(and her child thought the same) and had abandonment issues

I hate to assume, but from what you have said, I'm thinking along the same lines.

I got very angry at this and now we are not talking ... i now feel neither wants to spend time with me and i feel that we cannot bond until this is resolved, -

Nicely played! Life is not an American soap opera! You cannot continually "resolve" issues through deep and meaningful conversation. Actions speak louder than words.
Even the term "we cannot bond" is so over-the-top in sentimentality and out of kilter with what actually happened on the holiday.

i wrote her a little note and Im now very angry and frustrated with her(and now the child) and I want to go home

Like the schoolyard child who doesn't get a pass so takes his football and goes home?

but she tried to spin it

Can you accept any personal responsibility for how the holiday transpired?

I feel "ignored" and I feel this is not right

You lack an emotional maturity of a grown man IMO
Advice, row happens on holiday, give everything a bit of space, return later to say "let’s forget about it & chat when we get home"....put on a happy face etc.

I always knew i was going to be second fiddle and im fine with that

Clearly you were not

exception was me gladly going off on walks to let them shop togerther etc.

At last, you did something right.

at no stage did i try to engineer a situation where it was just me and the g/f however my big problem was that any precious time we did have alone my girlfriend was trying to get rid of me and wanted to be alone which i dont feel was right-that was what really upset me not the playing second fiddle bit-we had a bit of a chat about it after my first post and i did make the best of it however things were civil and inclusive but ive come home feeling very disheartned and i suppose as the week went on the more the child made a point to ignore me also that made it harder but i can live with that

See above. Reality versus you're version of events. Accept some personal responsibility for the holiday. Don't brush this under the carpet. Use the experience to tackle some of the drivers behind your behaviour.
Maybe you need some reassurance from your GF? Ask her for it.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I actually agree with Squonk. From the sounds of it your GF doesn't have much sense. You're immature & needy for wanting some time with her? She sounds pretty selfish to me.

Personally, I would never ever go out with a single parent again. I did it for long enough and I wouldn't do it again. The culture we're in is that the child comes first, bow down to them, make sure they're happy etc etc. Now I personally think that's ****ed up, I don't think a child should be allowed to treat an adult with less than respect, doesn't matter who they are. I think we need to go backwards with regards to how we treat children and how we expect them to behave.

I don't think the current way of rearing them does them any favours as it just teaches them how to be self-entitled little sh*ts. As it seems your GF is intent on parenting this way I would walk away, to stay you're agreeing to be a martyr and who needs that? Go get a nice girl who isn't a mum, someone who can make you her no 1, like you'll make her your no 1.

Best of luck.

Idle Passerby

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I don't think a child should be allowed to treat an adult with less than respect, doesn't matter who they are.

I disagree with this. Children are not lesser human beings that any adult has the right to boss around. Respect has to be earned, even the respect of a child for an adult. And the key word is child. Children do not have the maturity or life experience to behave with the decorum you would expect from a fellow adult. The OP sounds like he waltzed in to this childs life expecting to be looked up to by this girl. The fact is the mother has and always will have a closer bond to her daughter than to some guy she's just started seeing. He's the newcomer, he should be the one trying to earn the respect.

squonk

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I disagree with this. Children are not lesser human beings that any adult has the right to boss around. Respect has to be earned, even the respect of a child for an adult. And the key word is child. Children do not have the maturity or life experience to behave with the decorum you would expect from a fellow adult. The OP sounds like he waltzed in to this childs life expecting to be looked up to by this girl. The fact is the mother has and always will have a closer bond to her daughter than to some guy she's just started seeing. He's the newcomer, he should be the one trying to earn the respect.

It sounds to me like the OP is doing his best to get on with the daughter but the problem I see is that the daughter is behaving like a right little **** and Mum sides with the daughter when trouble brews and the OP end up worse off. I still think if it was me, I'd call it a day with this pair. It doesn't sound like a nice place to be in.

barbiegirl

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Respect has to be earned

I would come in on the opposite side of this. That EVERYONE adult and child deserves and should be treated with respect. It can be lost and then must be re-earned but it should be taken as a given. When I would talk about teaching a child to respect people this is what I would mean.

OP you come across as needy. Your girlfriend sounds like she is exasperated from having the pull of both you and her daughter on her emotions, and just needed a break.
Talk rationally with one another, because if you can't communicate effectively then the relationship is going nowhere.

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply guys, yes i suppose I am "needy" in that I need to go on holiday with a girlfiend that likes my company- im not ashamed of that and if that makes me needy then Im needy and proud!and judging by some of the vindictive responses im not sure id like to go out with people so blunt about their personal space and assertions that i have "issues"

and im not ashamed of trying to resolve things by having rational chats and i dont see it as attention seeking for being offended when someone tells me to go away especially when your on holiday with them and youve barely spoken /bonded or whatever you want to call it

just to add we had that time alone at the pool because the child wanted to go up to the room and watch tv

honestly the person that got the most time to themselves was my g/f when i was off playing with the child,

if you call asserting your authority pulling someone up for not replying etc. then i suppose i did that but i straight away tried to keep positive etc. trying to foster mutual respect, and i did go out and make the most of things even though i FELT like going home

anyway honestly no regrets on my part i did my best and will try and try again

fungun

just remember you will never win the fight with this kid for your gf.
So either accept your lot, connect with the kid who, if she connects with you, will then probably back off a little bit....or just walk away.

I see both sides and I understand your initial hurt OP - but your response to it was a bit 'me or her', and clearly everyones holiday expectations were different. Also remember holidays are often stressful times if things arent quite right....if it was me Id bite my tongue for now, get on with them as best you can and talk to your gf about it when everyone is settled down at home again

IrishEyes19

I really dont think the OP is fully in the wrong here. I completely understand how difficult it is for this child to accept a new person into their lives, it must be very hard. but there's no denying the kid is purposely being rude and difficult towards the OP. I'm not surprised he is fustrated. Going on a holiday he probably anticipated and took time of work for, trying to get along with a kid who is blantantly being rude and .shutting him out, and when he asks for five minutes alone with his partner, she shuns him out. If that were me, Id feel rejected and no other option what to do. end off.

I dont know what teenager wants to hang around constantly with their parents full time anyway.

anyway, OP, she can't put you first before her kid right now anyway.thats a given. I think you know that anyway. But the real issue is, giving you some respect. I dont think it was right of her to be so abbrasive and rude on the holiday. Im sure you invested time and money into it to. And sorry, her child needs to be sat down and explained in a friendly and understanding matter that you understand how hard it must be, but it would be nice to try and get along. A 13 year old is only a baby really, but if you intend to stay with this woman well, brace yourself for the teenage years at 16, or bite the bullet and with your Partner, talk to the child and sort it out

Leelaveela

I'm really surprised by replies to this thread, and the lack of sympathy to the OP.

(1) As the child of a single mother, I feel that pushing the issue of the kid being polite to you whilst on holiday was a bit of a mistake. I used to be bloody horrible to my parents' other halves until I got to know them very well, I know it might sound awful but it was simply that I felt really uncomfortably around them. Also, it's probably not the teen's dream holiday to be sharing a bedroom with her mother and a strange man. However winning the child over is a separate issue.

(2) It sounds like your girlfriend is ungrateful and a little cruel. Wanting to be left alone is understandable, whilst it's not exactly great for you she as a mother would naturally want some time out by herself, but accusing you of being needy, having abandonment issues etc...?? Completely out of line given the context (you wanting to spend a little time with her as a couple).

The whole holiday sounds a little ill-advised to me but my two pieces of advice are to think about things more from the teen's perspective and try and ingratiate yourself with her simply by being friendly, polite but not too try-hard, and more importantly to think about whether you really want a relationship with a woman who accuses you of such (abandonment issues?! Seriously?) and will always be primarily concerned with pleasing her child.