my friend might be gay...

worriedfriend

Hi everyone,

this is my first post and i hope its the right place to post!!

I went to use my really close male friends laptop the other day when he wasnt at home. he had left a browser window open and i was really shocked to see that he had set up a profile on a website as a bisexual male. he also had other tabs in the same browser for gay chat rooms.

he is one of my best friends and we have slept together in the past i even know his ex girlfriend that he went out with for six years!

now that ive seen the websites that he was on im 100% sure that he is either bisexual or gay. i have no problems with that at all but im worried about him and i dont think he has spoken to anyone about it we have a very small group of friends and i really dont think he would have said it to them

i want to help him with this but im not sure how to go about it so any advice that anyone may have for me should i leave it and pretend i never saw it and let him speak when hes ready or........?

thanks!

Aurongroove

just a point of clarity: are you male or female and by sleeping together do you mean in a bed over night, or do you mean you had sex together?

corked

Just be a mate for him - he will talk to you if he wants to talk about anything.

Everyone comes out in their own time.

worriedfriend

sorry im a girl and ya by sleeping together i mean we had sex!

wonderfulname

Try and forget it, any conversation on the subject should be left completely up to him.

worriedfriend

corked wrote: »

Just be a mate for him - he will talk to you if he wants to talk about anything.

Everyone comes out in their own time.

i know but i just dont think he will talk about it... in any other situation he is relectant to talk and to be honest had i not seen the websites on his laptop i would never have thought he was gay or bi so im really afraid he wont talk to anyone about it.

he was depressed a few years ago after his girlfriend broke up with him and i helped him through that and he never told anyone else about it only me. i only found out that he was depressed because his family confided in me to help him but in this case i really dont think he would ever tell his parents if he is bi or gay so im worried that he feels he cant talk to anyone about it

Yike

just make sure that he knows you're always there for him, but don't confront him about being gay, as he will come out in his own time.

foggy_lad

worriedfriend wrote: »

i know but i just dont think he will talk about it... in any other situation he is relectant to talk and to be honest had i not seen the websites on his laptop i would never have thought he was gay or bi so im really afraid he wont talk to anyone about it.

he was depressed a few years ago after his girlfriend broke up with him and i helped him through that and he never told anyone else about it only me. i only found out that he was depressed because his family confided in me to help him but in this case i really dont think he would ever tell his parents if he is bi or gay so im worried that he feels he cant talk to anyone about it

Was he depressed after breaking up with his ex or trying to come to terms with feelings he might have had about his sexuality at the time?

You should stay well out of this regardless of how well you know him you were "snooping" in his laptop and found something which does not concern you at all.

Janedoe10

I would think u are better off to leave it . He is a good friend to u and when he is ready to talk u will be there ... It's a huge thing to come out and maybe he may be awkward saying it to u as u said ye have history ...

worriedfriend

foggy_lad wrote: »

Was he depressed after breaking up with his ex or trying to come to terms with feelings he might have had about his sexuality at the time?

You should stay well out of this regardless of how well you know him you were "snooping" in his laptop and found something which does not concern you at all.

as far as i know he was just depressed about the break up it may have been that he was unsure abut his sexuality but like i said i never would have thought he was gay or bi.

i wasnt snoopping on his laptop we live in the same house and i need to use the internet and used his computer instead of going to get mine upstairs( so really i was just lazy!)

oisindoyle

Welcome worriedfriend.

Nice of you to be concerned for your friend.

The thing is no matter how much you are concerned or worried for him it's his stuff his thing and his secret .So I would advise you say and do nothing ,nothing at all,even if you are both pissed at 3am some morning and you feel like saying something ,DON'T.

We all come out at different times ,we all come out when WE want to .On the other hand some never come out ,they get married to a girl live a lie ,play away behind wifeys back others may surpress it (not always adivseable) but that's their business...
So even though you think he may be gay or bi ,that's HIS stuff ,no matter how worried or concerned you are for me .

Pacifist Pigeon

I think the best thing is just not to push him out of the closet. Anyone who's in the closet (and I know myself) is generally terrified that anyone else would finding out, though I can't say in the case of your friend.

Whatever you do, don't tell anyone else that you saw what you saw. The best thing I would say, is to try and help eliminate the fear factors he might associated with being gay/bi.

That might be simply to create a positive atmosphere about homosexuality if it ever enters a conversation when you're around him, he could possibly open up to you more. Whatever you do, don't rush anything or say anything too suggestive; if he wants to talk about it, he'll talk.

Aurongroove

I was put in an almost identical situation. The difference being it was a younger relative of mine. (I thought thank god it was me that found the computer, rather then someone else)

I decided that I should leave well enough alone until he's ready to tell people in his own time.

the only thing that changed, for me and for you (OP) is that we know, so if at any stage it seems like it's getting too much for them, or he's become depressed or dark. It might be worth making sure he knows he's got a shoulder if he needs one.

1ZRed

I can give you advise from my perspective as I've recently come out at 17.
I think you should confront him about it. I know it would be an awkward situation but he is reaching out to strangers why don't you reach out to him?
It's not good to hide your sexuality at all because you can become very hard on your self and I think bisexuals have it worse because they're totally confused when it comes to their sexuality.
If it was me in this guys situation I would want you to confront me about it and make me talk to you about it but what ever you decide to do just be there for him! Hug him tell him you still care about him and most importantly that nothing has changed. I saw the whole coming out thing as really gay and unnecessarily touchy feely but **** it you need all the love you can get because its the most vulnerable you'll ever be.
I hope this gives you another angle on the situation and good luck with what ever you decide to do:)

wonderfulname

1ZRed wrote: »

If it was me in this guys situation I would want you to confront me about it and make me talk to you about it but what ever you decide to do just be there for him! Hug him tell him you still care about him and most importantly that nothing has changed. I saw the whole coming out thing as really gay and unnecessarily touchy feely but **** it you need all the love you can get because its the most vulnerable you'll ever be.
I hope this gives you another angle on the situation and good luck with what ever you decide to do:)

This is why I strongly suggest against mentioning it, you're taking the control away and putting him in an even more vulnerable feeling position.

1ZRed

well yeah thats true but for a very close friend I would be uncomfortable but relived to stop lying about my sexuality so i think the benefits out weigh that negatives. He is probably very conflicted, I was, and thats really damaging and time wasting when all it takes is for some one to help you out. If only he knew that coming out is so much worse in your head than what it actually is and with an understanding and supportive friend like you he is so so lucky. If you don't want to go about it this way I don't think you can do anything really except drop hints like when a gay guy is on tv to just say "If any of my friends were gay I wouldn't have the slightest problem with it, wbu?"
I don't know its up to you but its hard to ignore the elephant in the room forever;)

floggg

wonderfulname wrote: »

This is why I strongly suggest against mentioning it, you're taking the control away and putting him in an even more vulnerable feeling position.

True that. If somebody had confronted me before I was ready to come out I woul have tried to deny it and ended up resenting and fearing them. If your not ready to come out, you feel that it is some big life altering secret that will forever mark you, and knowing somebody else knew would feel like a ticking time bomb hanging over them.

If he's anything like me, he needs to process and accept it himself before he could even begin to be able to talk to anybody else about it.

Heck, even now I find it difficult at times to talk about the most innocuous of stuff like what type of guy I like without feeling almost ashamed to an extent. Not that I should be, but just because that's how I thought I should feel for so long. Forcing him into confronting this before he's ready wont do him any favours.

What you can do though is let him know your always there for me no matter what and that you always have his back. When he's ready to talk, it will mean so much to him knowing he can turn to you without fear.

Ciaran0

I'd agree with the majority of posters here. Don't confront him because you can never know how he feels about his sexuality without him telling you. It's one thing to think, he needs help with this so I should help him, but for all you know he might not be planning to ever come out so you confronting him might really upset things for him. Best to wait and see. It's his sexuality and his life after all, so leave him to it. Unless you think that confronting him would somehow really benefit him, just forget about what you saw and just keep being a good friend.

DazMarz

Don't confront him. Big time.

I'm 23, have only recently come to terms with the fact that I'm bi/gay/confused, and I was hiding it since I was 15 (when I first 'realised' but was in denial for years).

Several of my closest friends thought I was gay for ages, but they never said anything or mentioned it to me. This was the right thing to do. Until I was ready to accept it, if they had asked me if I was gay, I'd have flipped, denied it, and quite possibly still be cowering in the closet today. But in my own time, I was able to come to terms with it and tell them.

A person should not be pushed to come out. They must do it in their own time. Timing, as they say, is everything.

Good luck with this.:)