Marriage Break Up & Kids

LegacyUser

My wife and i have seperated we have 3 kids aged 11, 8 & 2.

I have not seen the kids in a month and my wife said that the kids do not want to see you let and give them time.

She said the kids are very sad and upset by what's happened with our marriage, i feel very sad over the whole issue and i feel that my wife included the kids in it, she could have shelterted them more from our problems.

The 2 youngest kids want to see me but our eldest child does not want to see me yet, i was told that she is very sad and upset.

my wife wants to give the marriage another go, i cannot go back after all that's happened, and i do not want to go back just for the kids sake as i feel thats the wrong descision.

does anyone have experience of how to handle the situation or have similar experience

Taltos

OP - I am moving this to the Separation and Divorce forum as it may be more suitable to your issue. If you prefer it to remain in RI please let us know and we will move it back.

Thanks
Taltos

Morag

Be in your kids life. If the eldest is upset and hurting and is angry then let her be. Take the time to be available to her so she can tell you how she feels. See your younger children, sort out regular visitation don't let your feelings for your wife stop you for being there for your children.


http://www.rainbowsireland.com/

Rainbows Overview



When a change takes place in the family, whether it is a death, divorce or separation, it has a profound effect on all the members of the family.


Rainbow was developed to provide children, youth and adults an opportunity for support after their painful loss.

Since it is necessary for emotional healing to take place after a significant loss the purpose of the support groups is to provide those grieving an opportunity to share their feelings in an accepting environment, supported by trained, caring and compassionate adults.

The aim of RAINBOWS is to furnish the participants with an understanding of their new family unit; to assist in building a stronger sense of self-esteem, and to direct them towards a healthy resolution of the changes that have taken place in their personal lives.



VISION

The vision of Rainbows is that the grief and loss being experienced by children and young people in Ireland be recognised and that they would be offered support and understanding necessary to foster emotional healing.

MISSION STATEMENT

Rainbows aims to support children and young people in their local communities as they seek to come to terms with their grief and loss. Rainbows provides the training and resources necessary to establish peer support groups


GUIDING PRINCIPLES

Educates and builds public awareness about the growing number of children, youth and adults suffering significant loss issues in their lives.
Believes that grieving children, youth and adults deserve supporting, loving listeners as they struggle with their feelings and emotions.
Provides accredited training for all volunteers to prepare them for the commitment of assisting those bereaved.
Supports our volunteers and accredited sites to sustain quality delivery of services to all participants.
Produces high quality programmes offered at no cost to the participants.
Is available to children, youth and adults of all races and religions.
Serves as an advocate for anyone facing life-altering crises

username123

Marriageandkidsissues wrote: »

my wife wants to give the marriage another go, i cannot go back after all that's happened, and i do not want to go back just for the kids sake as i feel thats the wrong descision.

Going back just for the kids would be the wrong decision. All you would end up with is an unhappy marriage - which would affect the kids badly. Much healthier to have 2 happy parents that are not in a relationship than 2 unhappy parents who are.

You need to sit down with your wife and discuss healthy parenting. No doubt this is going to be very difficult at the moment, would you consider mediation?

You need to set up up regular access and times to be with the kids, no bull about how one kid doesnt want to see you, the child is not old enough to decide that for themselves. When you get the access sorted out its up to you to keep it solid and show your kids that you love them and want to see them despite not being with their mother anymore.

The best thing would be if yourself and your wife could present a united happy front to the kids about how just because mam and dad dont want to stay married that doesnt mean anything as far as they are concerned and you both love them as much etc... Obviously that might not be possible if one or other of you is very hurt and upset.

And dont be criticising your wife, she is the one literally left holding the baby, she is not superwoman to be shielding children from the realities of the marriage breaking up.Its obvious to them that you are not there, they are not stupid, she should not be expected to keep them all happy for your benefit. You need to have more respect for her, you were happy to marry her and have children with her, so its unnecessary to now criticise her parenting when she is the person who lives with the children.

Best of luck.

Ken.

One thing i'd advise op is NEVER EVER criticize,run down or bad mouth your ex wife in front of your kids or within earshot of them. If your on speaking terms with your ex ask her to do the same with regards to yourself.

Abi

lucyfur09 wrote: »

One thing i'd advise op is NEVER EVER criticize,run down or bad mouth your ex wife in front of your kids or within earshot of them. If your on speaking terms with your ex ask her to do the same with regards to yourself.

^ This X a million


Just given the circumstances around the break-up, I think your eldest is picking up on your wifes desperation to get you back. At that age, very little will get past them. Shes more than likely seeing her mother upset and sees you as the source of the problem. Children rely on their parents for security, and if she is seeing her mother like this, and over-hearing conversations, thats a problem. If the only remaining parent in the home isn't stable or dealing with things properly, then its unlikely the mother is giving your daughter the reassurance that she needs that everything is going to be okay, and that you shouldn't be blamed for this.

You have your reasons for the split, and you seem positive that it is the right thing to do. As previously suggested, Rainbows is a good support for children, they can be around other children that have separated / divorced, or lost a parent through death. Its a no-pressure, friendly environment where they all have something in common.

If I were you, I'd ask your wife to consider family mediation, because the children have to see unity between parents, and to affirm that even though you are living apart that they will be okay and loved by both of you.

Try to get your wife to focus on whats right for the kids, and to encourage your eldest to see you. She has to set her own feelings aside if shes going to do the right thing for the children.

Best of luck OP.