Obsessive thinking-Feeling ugly + worthless

LegacyUser

I'll try and cut to the chase - I'm 20 years old, male, and I have low self esteem about my image. I think I'm ugly. I'm a tad overweight and my brother and I have started to
get into shape together and I have started to change my eating habits for the better. For a long time I did originally get down over my appearance, and I still do, but I know I
can lose my excess weight and hopefully gain lots of confidence in my new found good/better looks. That's not my problem. My problem is I suffer from a case of thinking obsessively about aspects of my life, or aspects of my life I would like to have/desire. My social life is
pretty much nil at this stage in my life, my friends lay low the majority of the time and I'd be lucky to see them once a month. Even when I do see them it is quite boring,
we've kind of outgrown each other. Or I've outgrown them I think is the problem. Even though I think I am ugly I have good confidence, I would like to go out some weekends and
have fun like people my age do, but my friends don't want to. And I cannot go on my own, so literally all I've done since christmas really is stay in alone on weekends.

This is where obsessive thinking comes in. It is mainly in the areas of my social life and relations with the opposite sex that I start to worry/think obsessively. For example,
I myself have never had a girlfriend, never held hands with a girl, or had any intimate encounters, I've only ever kissed one girl in my life (and even then it didn't count).
I've never pulled a girl or "gone with" anyone, how young guys my age do all the time. I've not much experience with the opposite sex at all! I'm a virgin of course and this on
top of the stuff I just mentioned makes me feel worthless to tell the truth, utterly useless and a complete failure. At my age and younger, everyone seems to be talking about
who's "hot" and who's "not", and pretty much only good looking people get the action. I know generally people are shallow, (as I am sorta admittedly), and it's my own fault for
being ugly, but it hurts me to see people my age (or younger) doing things I haven't even started to do yet and I'm nearly 21

A good example is with a friend of mine I met recently ; I rarely use the internet but I met a really nice girl (who I have no sexual feelings for) who lives close, and we get
on like a house on fire. She has a boyfriend, me and her met around christmas time and whenever I did go on the internet we used to talk for hours on end, we'd have fantastic
chats, have loads in common and we had planned to meet up on regular occasions (the first of yet to be done since she has been busy with exams and what not lately). I love my
personality, I like my confidence and I think I'm quite funny. She has iterated these points to me on occasions and I feel since it's the internet my personality really struck
gold with her. The obsessive part kind of came after she used to tell me about her bf, her sex life etc. I have no problems talking about these things but she is 17, and I felt
really crappy for some reason, since I'm almost 21 and although she sees me as this really nice, cool, laid back funny guy who she gets on with she doesn't know I'm actually
very inexperienced and my personality and confidence just stems from the fact I just try my best. It made me really upset. We were talking about people we thought were good
looking and stuff(a conversation I didn't wanna take part in for said reasons), she kept telling me about all the guys she thought were "gorgeous" and "hot" and stuff. Of course

I then asked myself the question later that day : if a girl like her (she is very pretty!) calls guys like that, gorgeous and hot, then what am I? What's a guy like me? I
felt really stupid since I started to cry that night thinking about it. I wasn't crying over her, but crying over what she represents : she represents all the pretty girls I
can't have, talking about the pretty/good looking boys, who I in no way resemble. I realised in that moment I had made no impact on anyone or her with my looks, nor would if I
don't change myself. She sometimes calls me cute or "not bad" looking. I then started to think well, what's the degrees to describe looks? If I'm not bad looking, and one guy is
hot, another gorgeous etc, where do I fit? I'm in the ugly section

I've lately been obsessing about it, on top of what I usually obsess. I can't relax or do college work without CONSTANTLY thinking about it. It also doesn't help being the
ugly/fat person in a crew of friends, all of my friends are good looking and talk about their experiences the past weekend, girls, etc. I hate being "outside the loop", my
friends all are younger than me, I started thinking and obsessing again, there is guys much younger than me, going out, enjoying themselves, getting drunk, going to nightclubs,
pulling young girls with their fantastic and much better looks than me, with no effort at all, and these girls give no second thoughts to such impulses. It just makes me feel
like crap and I'm wasting my life. At 17, I did none of this. Nor did I at 18, or 19 or 20 for that matter (since I'm almost 21). I began to take my friend as a perfect example
and basis for my obsession. She's a pretty girl, who I made no impact on with my looks. I'm fine with that, but it serves as a perfect example. I then began to look at all of my
friends and imagine how they would impact on her (taking her just as the archetype for any sexually active 17 year old girl), and I got upset yet again. I bet she would probably
cite them all as being very good looking etc, and speak highly of such. Again, this led to my thought process of "why am I not worthy of such a reaction or treatment?" Am I not
good enough? Knowing that probably within minutes she would decide someone was good looking, more than likely kiss them or sleep with them, makes me sad, since I can't do that
with anyone. I don't have the requires skillset aka good looks. I've known her for a few months now and we get on great, I wouldn\t change anything, but getting to know her
kinda opened up a whole new dimension to my obsession problem. I obsess anyway but getting to know someone of her age and have her talk about it just made me realise how much of
my life I've missed out on and continue to every day. I don't have any sexual feelings for her and I want to be friends, so being friendzoned this time actually suits me! I just
feel ignored and like crap all the time

The obsessive thinking of mine started mainly from the age of 18/19, when I was a yougn adolescent leaving school, supposed to be leaving home, going to college etc, having the
craic, but I never did. I'm in college now alright, but still can't relax or ease up on obsessive thoughts. I know it's shallow but I keep thinking about "good looking" people,
a lot of my friends have tonnes of facebook photos of them on nights out with all their friends, having so much fun, all much younger than me, and better looking. I then began
to dwell on the argument of "I wonder how a girl would rate these guys over me" and I just can't stop thinking I'm not good enough I have no friends lately! I know it's
shallow, I've been to my doctor about this and some other stuff in my life, I've been prescribed some anti depressants and after taking them for about 3 months they don't really
have an effect on me

Any advice would be appreciated, and please try not to judge me, it's hard living with this train of thought

blatantrereg

You say you're just friends and not interested in anything else. Why would she talk about your level of attractiveness to you then? Would that not be moving things into the context of courtship? Why dont you just tell her about the girls you find most attractive (when she talks liek that)? Her point of view might be helpful for you in learning how to develop relationships with women.

Guys dont need to be good looking to be successful with girls tbh. It's more to do with confidence and how you act towards them/make them feel.

going un-reg

I know first hand what it's like to be an over thinker, it can be a serious pain in your side. A piece of advice about being an over analyzer, your train of thought ALWAYS finishes negatively, never positively. When you over think, you just have yourself to try and answer the problems you have, you try to conceptualize various scenarios in your head and try playing them out, desperate to try to find the answer you're seeking.

Having someone to talk to about issues like this is beyond beneficial. I used to keep everything bottled up inside and just try to think things out for myself, but people who over think really need someone else to bounce their thoughts off, otherwise you can't get a different perspective on your issues.

This girl that you get on great with, you should use her as a shoulder to talk to your issues about, she sounds like a nice girl. She's not a threat to you because she already has a boyfriend and you say you're not attracted to her.

You're a classic case of peer pressure reaction, the older you get the more you realize how much bullshi* is fed into society that moulds a lifestyle you're supposed to live. Like another poster said, women don't need great looks to find a man attractive. Yes, it helps of course, but I've seen many cases of not the best looking men going out with stunning women, just because they had great personalities, could make them laugh etc.

OP, if I could give you any single piece of advice, it's this...FOCUS on YOU, that's all. Don't give a fcuk about who's doing what, who's hot and who's not, remove your consciousness from all of that and just focus on yourself for a while. Focus on your exercising, keep your mind occupied on the more important things. I know right now you think these things are important to you, keeping yourself in the social loop etc, but they're really not.

The only way you're going to be able to deal with these situations, is fixing yourself first, then everything will follow suit. You want a girlfriend, right? you need to learn to love yourself before being able to love someone else.

I can't stress how important that is.

I hope things work out for you, you can do it buddy

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies. Yes it's terrible being an over thinker, you start to conjure up scenarios and play them out, exactly like you said. My thought patterns never cease, I got no sleep last night over it since my brain wouldn't shut off

I'm afraid to talk about it since I'm ashamed, I dunno who to tell, I don't feel comfortable talking to my dad about girls and stuff (he's the only one I can talk to, long story).

She said I was cute when I said I was ugly, she then retorted by saying I wasn't and then she complimented me, it was provoked you could say.

An interesting thing I just thought of is, she never had a bf when we first started talking, she just got with her current bf a month ago, she would constantly talk to me and text me sometimes begging me to come online for a chat, we would spend hours talking and she used to compliment me saying I was really funny and great fun etc, so maybe she was flirting and I missed it? One time midst our conversations I said "who would like me" since we were talking about relationships, and she said, "well you're funny and great craic, and that's what I go for, even though sure, there are better looking lads". I kinda didn't know what to make of this so I ignored it, I took is as the usual BS girls mutter to an ugly friend lol

She has not been online in a month or so, I text her out of paranoia of her avoiding me and she just said it was since she is so busy and of course we're still friends, so I understand. So I don't really have time to tell her things nor can I since she is not available to chat these days. The peer pressure you mention is definitely true, my mind constantly tries to find gaps or places where I can find some sort of reasoning or allowance for my feeling this way, but I always bring it back to "I'm ugly"

All in all at my age it feels like there is a lot of pressure on me to enjoy my life, but I feel I can't at all. I don't mean that as an exaggeration at all, it's really how I feel

blatantrereg

obsesser wrote: »

OP here, thanks for the replies. Yes it's terrible being an over thinker, you start to conjure up scenarios and play them out, exactly like you said. My thought patterns never cease, I got no sleep last night over it since my brain wouldn't shut off

I'm afraid to talk about it since I'm ashamed, I dunno who to tell, I don't feel comfortable talking to my dad about girls and stuff (he's the only one I can talk to, long story).

She said I was cute when I said I was ugly, she then retorted by saying I wasn't and then she complimented me, it was provoked you could say.

An interesting thing I just thought of is, she never had a bf when we first started talking, she just got with her current bf a month ago, she would constantly talk to me and text me sometimes begging me to come online for a chat, we would spend hours talking and she used to compliment me saying I was really funny and great fun etc, so maybe she was flirting and I missed it? One time midst our conversations I said "who would like me" since we were talking about relationships, and she said, "well you're funny and great craic, and that's what I go for, even though sure, there are better looking lads". I kinda didn't know what to make of this so I ignored it, I took is as the usual BS girls mutter to an ugly friend lol

She has not been online in a month or so, I text her out of paranoia of her avoiding me and she just said it was since she is so busy and of course we're still friends, so I understand. So I don't really have time to tell her things nor can I since she is not available to chat these days. The peer pressure you mention is definitely true, my mind constantly tries to find gaps or places where I can find some sort of reasoning or allowance for my feeling this way, but I always bring it back to "I'm ugly"

All in all at my age it feels like there is a lot of pressure on me to enjoy my life, but I feel I can't at all. I don't mean that as an exaggeration at all, it's really how I feel

Well it sounds like she was interested in you tbh. Your bad self esteem appears to have blinded you to this possibility, and inhibited you from thinking of her outside the context of just being friends. If she wasn't interested she would have talked about girls in general, not herself personally, when you looked for reassurance.

Anyway, I'd write off the possibility of developing anything with her in the short to medium term. She probably wrote you off as never going to make any advance, and maybe as being a bit too self-absorbed and down on yourself to realise she actually liked you.

The lesson is to stop being hung up on yourself and realise that you are capable of arousing interest in some attractive girls.

beks101

Until you get over your self-esteem issues and develop some confidence, you are going to continue to use sources outside of yourself to seek validation of yourself. And that's a nasty game, because you'll never win them all. I would strongly recommend counselling, or perhaps cognitive behaviour therapy - I think that could be very useful for you in changing your thought pattern.

One thing that I noticed from your post is that your worries/fears/obsessions about what other people think is completely over-riding your own thoughts and feelings. For example, you want this girl to think you're good-looking and be attracted to you, even though you have no feelings towards her and if she did, you'd have to end up rejecting her anyway, right?

You can't attract all of the women all of the time, no matter how good looking you are. Sure, looks count, but we are not that easily explained in terms of what attracts us - what's attractive to one girl, is unremarkable to another. Personality, confidence, attitude, ambitions...all play a part. I think by fixating on something tangible - your looks - you can project all your insecurities onto the world and put everyone into neat little boxes where looks count for everything and you'll always lose the race because you're not Brad Pitt. Whereas I can guarantee your lack of experience with women thus far is down to your lack of trying, your lack of confidence and your lack of understanding that dating is a numbers game and you have to make a concerted effort, no matter how good looking you are.

What you should know is that a man who has no confidence in himself is the most obvious thing in the world, and something that women easily pick up on. It pervades every aspect of his demeanour, his attitude towards life, his personality. It's detectable even in the way you carry yourself, body language, which is the number one tool when it comes to attracting a member of the opposite sex. Some of the most successful men I know in the dating department are nothing much to look at, but they have this sorted. They know how to lavish attention without coming across as creepy, how to make a woman laugh and feel special. That's what counts. How can you do that when you're so wrapped up in your own insecurities and self-loathing that you cry when a woman you're not interested in, isn't attracted to you?

LegacyUser

I think somewhere deep deep down I actually kind of do fancy this girl.

I've only come to terms with it and realized it today for the first time, our only communication is via text as I said before. I never text her and did so last week after not hearing from her in over a month , for a catch up. As I stated before she said she was busy and that she misses me etc

The thing that annoyed me the most is that we went from having great conversations to having really dull ones. It started about two weeks or so before she stopped coming online. She showed little to no interest in me as a friend, we rarely talked and when we did it was really forced. I felt like crap since she cited me as being a really great friend to her over the last month or so and that she loved and looked forward to our chats. I found it strange and just assumed she found someone better to talk to, so I moved on and went back to real life as I do. It hurt a lot and one day I did think I had done something wrong or something, so I text her to find out were we still good (same text I speak of earlier) where she assured me everything was fine and she is just busy

Fast forward to today. I hardly ever text her but I did yesterday. I text her saying the usual hello how are you etc, I got a reply, then I got none after that. One reply. I text again a bit later and got another reply, then again, just got the one reply. Before when we texted, there would be tonnes of texts going back and forth. What have I done? Out of feeling bad I text her today saying "I know you're busy, so I'm sorry if I was annoying you yesterday. I look forward to speaking soon, I hope everything is good with you" No reply. It dawned on me the last two days I've maybe been a bit annoying. She always spoke about how she hated annoying people, and would always tell me tales about her friends or people she knows who just wreck her head, I'm now thinking I'm maybe one of those people since I'm being ignored Am I being a bit overbearing, even as a friend?

I think when we first spoke I was too shy to flirt back with her, I'd always make her laugh and would love when she devoted her time to me. I complimented her on her looks a few times but it's something I don't find attractive, to overly compliment a girl. She hates how she looks and of course I used humour and light hearted compliments to get around it instead of saying what was really in my heart, which was, "I think you're beautiful". I buried these feelings until today I realized I do like her I think. I think about her a lot lately but I told myself for ages I didn't like her so it's too late for me to act on them or even tell her how I feel, it will only ruin whatever friendship we do develop in the future. I feel so depressed since I fancy her, but she's my friend, and way outta my league. I'm also upset since she's not really texting me back (I never text in the last month or so, like I said, last two days I've just been curious to how she is, why no replies?)

I know it's the internet, but she's a real gal, she lives close, and our friendship felt so great. She agrees with me and says she would love to meet up sometime. It's the first time I've got to know someone online let alone in my own country/area, so when I feel I've uspet her, or wonder how she is, it's the same how I do for a friend I do know. Though we've never met I still feel a good connection between us, we really make great friends. Any advice or feedback is appreciated

hardCopy

obsesser wrote: »

I think somewhere deep deep down I actually kind of do fancy this girl.

I've only come to terms with it and realized it today for the first time, our only communication is via text as I said before. I never text her and did so last week after not hearing from her in over a month , for a catch up. As I stated before she said she was busy and that she misses me etc

The thing that annoyed me the most is that we went from having great conversations to having really dull ones. It started about two weeks or so before she stopped coming online. She showed little to no interest in me as a friend, we rarely talked and when we did it was really forced. I felt like crap since she cited me as being a really great friend to her over the last month or so and that she loved and looked forward to our chats. I found it strange and just assumed she found someone better to talk to, so I moved on and went back to real life as I do. It hurt a lot and one day I did think I had done something wrong or something, so I text her to find out were we still good (same text I speak of earlier) where she assured me everything was fine and she is just busy

Fast forward to today. I hardly ever text her but I did yesterday. I text her saying the usual hello how are you etc, I got a reply, then I got none after that. One reply. I text again a bit later and got another reply, then again, just got the one reply. Before when we texted, there would be tonnes of texts going back and forth. What have I done? Out of feeling bad I text her today saying "I know you're busy, so I'm sorry if I was annoying you yesterday. I look forward to speaking soon, I hope everything is good with you" No reply. It dawned on me the last two days I've maybe been a bit annoying. She always spoke about how she hated annoying people, and would always tell me tales about her friends or people she knows who just wreck her head, I'm now thinking I'm maybe one of those people since I'm being ignored Am I being a bit overbearing, even as a friend?

I think when we first spoke I was too shy to flirt back with her, I'd always make her laugh and would love when she devoted her time to me. I complimented her on her looks a few times but it's something I don't find attractive, to overly compliment a girl. She hates how she looks and of course I used humour and light hearted compliments to get around it instead of saying what was really in my heart, which was, "I think you're beautiful". I buried these feelings until today I realized I do like her I think. I think about her a lot lately but I told myself for ages I didn't like her so it's too late for me to act on them or even tell her how I feel, it will only ruin whatever friendship we do develop in the future. I feel so depressed since I fancy her, but she's my friend, and way outta my league. I'm also upset since she's not really texting me back (I never text in the last month or so, like I said, last two days I've just been curious to how she is, why no replies?)

I know it's the internet, but she's a real gal, she lives close, and our friendship felt so great. She agrees with me and says she would love to meet up sometime. It's the first time I've got to know someone online let alone in my own country/area, so when I feel I've uspet her, or wonder how she is, it's the same how I do for a friend I do know. Though we've never met I still feel a good connection between us, we really make great friends. Any advice or feedback is appreciated

Your friend may not feel comfortable having such a close male friend now that she has a boyfriend.

beks101

obsesser wrote: »

I know it's the internet, but she's a real gal, she lives close, and our friendship felt so great. She agrees with me and says she would love to meet up sometime. It's the first time I've got to know someone online let alone in my own country/area, so when I feel I've uspet her, or wonder how she is, it's the same how I do for a friend I do know. Though we've never met I still feel a good connection between us, we really make great friends. Any advice or feedback is appreciated

You are investing WAY TOO MUCH into something that is an internet friendship and has no value in the real world. You haven't met this girl, so you can't possibly know how you feel about her. I can't stress that enough. You think you do, because your lack of experience with women is obviously a point of angst for you and you're projecting all your hopes and dreams and needs from the opposite sex into her. But you don't know her. And she has a boyfriend.

I'm also a chronic over-thinker, but what you've described in your last post goes beyond a bit of over-analysis, which we're all guilty of, and is in the sphere of serious anxiety. You should not be panicking when you don't get a reply text from a girl you met online and have never connected with face to face. You should not be scrutinising every interaction you have with her. Online friendships are fine, as long as you can take them for what they are - the key is to treat them in jest, there to fill a few spare moments during your day, but as this girl has not been bothered enough to meet yet, I suspect this won't go much further and you need to accept that. Plus, she has a boyfriend. You deserve more than a few scraps of online attention or a few measly texts from a girl who is already spoken for. I think it would be in the best interest of your emotional health to distance yourself from her and start working on yourself for a little while, ideally with the help of a psychologist or counsellor.

Please don't panic about all of this. We all go through crises of confidence and your age is a difficult one, emerging from adolescence and on the brink of adulthood. This is where a lot of the figuring out gets done. And you're too young to be writing yourself off as a lost cause when it comes to women - I know lots and lots of people who didn't start on the dating/relationship bandwagon until they were mid or late twenties. However, there is a bit of decision making involved for you now - do you want to continue to live with low self-esteem, self-hatred and anxiety for what should be the best days of your life, or do you want to change the pattern? Because changing is hard, it requires a lot of hard work out of your comfort zone, but your destiny is completely in your control here. Having a professional to talk to and lean on can make all the difference.

Taltos

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Taltos

Morag

I suggest you go to your GP and ask for a referral to a counselor or a CBT professional.

Maple

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