Another heart break thread!

LegacyUser

Hi all, long time lurker hoping for some advice.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years at the end of last year. He cheated on me for over a year in the middle of those 3 years and towards the end of our relationship with a second woman. I only found out at the end of last year & it was a massive shock as he hid it incredibly well & there were no signs of problems in our relationship..he's just a selfish, deceitful b*stard, I just didn't know it!

I am feeling better than I was & doing all the usual things like exercise, focusing on work, spending time with friends etc. the problem is I find myself fixating on him being in a new relationship (with the second woman he cheated on me with) Even though it was me who finished things & I know that I'm so much better off without him & would never get back with him, I find myself thinking about him and them constantly. How can I stop these thoughts from occupying my brain when I'm alone, driving, trying to go to sleep at night? I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it! I have a ball of fluttery anxiety in my stomach when I'm thinking about how easily he moved on.

I hate that he was at fault but doesn't have to suffer the consequences of being sad, alone and lonely.

To sum up, how the hell can I turn off my mind & let it go & think about something bloody else for a change?!

Lorna123

TormentedHead wrote: »

Hi all, long time lurker hoping for some advice.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years at the end of last year. He cheated on me for over a year in the middle of those 3 years and towards the end of our relationship with a second woman. I only found out at the end of last year & it was a massive shock as he hid it incredibly well & there were no signs of problems in our relationship..he's just a selfish, deceitful b*stard, I just didn't know it!

I am feeling better than I was & doing all the usual things like exercise, focusing on work, spending time with friends etc. the problem is I find myself fixating on him being in a new relationship (with the second woman he cheated on me with) Even though it was me who finished things & I know that I'm so much better off without him & would never get back with him, I find myself thinking about him and them constantly. How can I stop these thoughts from occupying my brain when I'm alone, driving, trying to go to sleep at night? I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it! I have a ball of fluttery anxiety in my stomach when I'm thinking about how easily he moved on.

I hate that he was at fault but doesn't have to suffer the consequences of being sad, alone and lonely.

To sum up, how the hell can I turn off my mind & let it go & think about something bloody else for a change?!

You know this guy is not for you, so what you feel now is not love it is just rejection, kind of like you did not come up to scratch. I believe that this is the emotion that most people feel when their love is not reciprocated. If you met someone wonderful next week you would not give this guy a second thought. So my advice to you would be that this guy is not worth a second thought. He was not for you and when you meet someone who is for you you will know the difference. There will be other guys, so get yourself ready for that now and don't waste any more time on this dud.

Gilldog

Hi TormentedHead,

I wanted to respod to this because it seems so familiar. I went out with my first proper boyfriend for over 2 years, travelled together, became friends with eachothers friends etc. I thought we were really happy, we went out seperately with groups of friends and I never thought not to trust him because he was a quote 'nice guy'; funny, charming, all that good stuff.

Anyway, I eventually found out that he had cheated on me countless times (or when I asked he couldn't remember how many) including girls who had been at my house parties and been fake nice to me. It was horrible, compounded by the fact that alot of his friends had known for ages and no one told me.
The worst part when we broke up was that he immediately started dating one of the girls he had regularly cheated with, and seemed to go on as normal like nothing had happened. I eventually had to cut contact with a lot of people as I found it hard to be around those that had lied to me for ages.

Anyway, im ranting sorry. Like I said it was so hard for me to understand how he wasnt being punished for his behaviour, he hadnt lost any friends - I was the one who walked away from that, he had a replacement girlfriend pretty soon - I was alone and feeling crap. I just felt that he had come out totally unscathed and it was so hard to accept. The other thing was that I thought we were very happy, and I used to wonder what I had done wrong.

I think it will just take time for you to stop thinking about him, 3 years is a long time to have someone in your life and you cannot just 'switch off' your feelings. I know what you mean about not wanting to get back with him, I was the same but it didnt stop me wanting to know how he was doing and thinking about him alot.
I think your ex will never change, and you should not be jealous of the girl he is with now because he will probably do it to her to.

Anyway, they say the best revenge is a life well lived, and that is what I advise. Dont beat yourself up for thinking about him for now, just allow if for a few moments, and then try to think of something else, something more positive.

It will get better, I promise. I rarely think of him now, and if I do its in a 'can't believe I ever dated that loser' kind of way...:)

I am a friend

TormentedHead wrote: »

the consequences of being sad, alone and lonely.

If you were still with him you may not technically be alone but you would be sadder and lonelier than you are now...

Look at it this way - he is her problem now...

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for your replies.

Lorna, yeah I know,my logical brain knows that he's not worth thinking about (and believe me I'm not thinking positive things about him!). I just can't seem to stop my mind drifting to thinking about it & feeling that horrible nervy feeling in my stomach that I've christened 'The Worm' :-)

Gilldog, thanks for sharing that. I had no idea either and genuinely thought we were in it for the long haul. I have no doubt that he'll do the same to her,sure he tried to get me back when he'd started seeing her!

I'm sure time is the only answer, I can already imagine seeing someone else.i'm more than ready to move on, I'm just impatient to feel better I suppose!

LegacyUser

Very sorry to hear youre going through this. felt compelled to reply as im in a similar situation myself. was with my boyfriend for 3 years things seemed to be going fine. he facebooked me at Xmas and said it was over. through FACEBOOK. he said he had been seeing someone else all along and that he never loved me. very hurtful as we were beginning to plan a future together and he told me i was the only one for him. i was shattered. still down about it all- well some days are fine and i feel stronger than ever but then i have my weak moments and i just miss him so much.

but i know i could never be with someone like that now. i know its insane but even though he ended it and in such a cruel manner i still felt like i had caused it. like as if i had pushed him to cheat. so i know it was stupid but i did try to fix things with him. but i just left myself open to even more rejection. so whatever you do, do not do this! altho i must say at least i can now live with myself knowing that i did try to talk it through. but he was cold and emotionless and uninterested

i agree with the poster who said it may be alot about that feeling of rejection. it feels terrible and the feeling that other people must have known the cheating was going on and must have been pitying you. so the pride does take a good battering after something like this. but i have to say, i understand the horrible feeling even though you have that strong desire to move on and get on with your life. i feel that way too as my ex has already moved on too with someone he was cheating with. and i do not want to become a bitter old lady. i want more than anything to begin enjoying life again. i am finding my family and friends great. but i do find myself now gettin sick of listening to myself talking about it so i think im well on the road to wanting to start again. that new chick he is with is welcome to him. a leopard never changes its spots.

i really hope things begin to look up for you. you have to just keep on keepin on and believe that there is something better out there for you. you are better off having found this out now sooner rather than later and ditching that dead weight in your life. i thank my lucky stars that there were no kids involved or a house or anything like that. just concentrate on enjoying your life again!

LegacyUser

Hi op, had to reply to this because I also completely empathise.
My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago over the phone. My one didnt even have the balls to tell me he was cheating.. I had to find that out for myself..
Anyways to cut the long story short.. I am very over him but like that I still get the pangs of anger that he didnt go through any sort of 'grievance' as such, didnt give a **** and just treated me like dirt after two years and moved on without so much of a blink of an eye. (He's also with the girl he cheated on me with).
I think its as one poster said.. the rejection is an absolute killer. The pitiful looks and comments from others are also extremely frustrating and annoying.
It's something that really bothered me and tbh it sometimes still gets me down and annoys me at times. I just find it so hard to believe that someone can be like that.
I think the other poster is spot on in that if something good came along you wouldnt even give this other guy another thought. I know I would be the same, but I guess there are times when we all have those nights where we wish we had someone to share something with/spend an evening with and these thoughts of the ex take over.
From what I gather your not long out of the relationship, but it honeslty gets better with time. Live your life and show that a** what hes missing. Take care xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who replied with their stories. It makes me feel a bit better that others felt the same post messy breakup & I'm not being an obsessive mentalist!

It has only been 2 months (less since I found out about the cheating with the current girlfriend). I'll just have to be patient & wait for the peace of mind I suppose and as I am a Friend says 'he's her problem now'..she'll need eyes in the back of her head!!