Gender Identity

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I am wondering if there is any group or place to go or talk to about Gender Issues? I am unemployed, and not in receipt of Social Welfare, so cannot afford to talk to someone professional (even though I need it, I think!)
It's something that has been bothering me for a long, long time...but I do not trust anyone I know to talk about it. Kind of scared too....
Any help would be greatly appreciated!

deirdre_dub

It would help if you told us what part of the country you are in, as there are free trans support groups around the country.

Our TENI development worker, Vanessa Lacey, holds on to the TENI support phone - 085 147 7166

Making a guess you are in Dublin (as it is statistically the most likely answer), there is a free peer support group every second Wednesday in Outhouse, 105 Capel St, from 7:30pm to 9:30pm. Our next meeting is this Wednesday, and you can call 087 116 8589, or email tpsgdublin@gmail.com

There are also groups in Waterford, Cork, Limerick, Galway and, I think, Cavan. Let me know below if you would like any of those contact details.

LegacyUser

Sorry, I am in Dublin. Thanks for those details. I don't know if I am trans though; I think that is the whole problem! I don't know if I am trans, or just a very confused person. Been this way for the last 26 years, I'd say!

deirdre_dub

Who am I? wrote: »

Sorry, I am in Dublin. Thanks for those details. I don't know if I am trans though; I think that is the whole problem! I don't know if I am trans, or just a very confused person. Been this way for the last 26 years, I'd say!

You don't have to have figured out that you are trans in order to attend the meeting.

Unfortunately, only you can say if you are trans. One good way of figuring that out is to talk with, or even just listen to, other trans people, and see if you identify.

There are lots of on-line support groups. One that helped me greatly is "Angels Forum" in the UK - http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/

You could also try the various transgender boards on reddit.com - for instance, http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender

Gay Community News is running a semi-regular column called "trans truths". You can read GCN here - http://www.gcn.ie/this_month This month (page 12) features some idiot called Deirdre from Dublin who tells her story of coming to terms with her gender identity...

LegacyUser

Many thanks for those links! I checked out the Angel's Forum - I assume that is for MTF? I would be the other way...

Are there any FTM's on here even?

deirdre_dub

For what it's worth, you can ask for me if you email tpsgdublin@gmail.com - I'd be happy to engage as much as I can to help you work through your gender questions.

Aurongroove

looks like OP's in good hands.

deirdre_dub

Who am I? wrote: »

Many thanks for those links! I checked out the Angel's Forum - I assume that is for MTF? I would be the other way...

Are there any FTM's on here even?

(Sorry - just noticed this post now)

Angels is open for FTM, but is dominated by MTF.

The Dublin support group has quite a few FTMs.

Laura's Playground seems to have something of an active FTM section - http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showforum=17 and http://www.lauras-playground.com/ftm_links.htm are two links that pop out at me.

Edit - apologies for the lack of quality and quantity of on-line support groups for FTMs - I hope to have better info soon. Anyone else got some good links?

Babybuff

Hey op. I always thought of myself as a bit trans confused at the best of times. (female) When I was younger it was a bigger deal to me and something I thought about a lot. I've never actually spoken to anyone about it professionally (although I do know Vanessa personally funnily enough I would never talk to her about it, she'd kill me if she heard me say that but she is lovely ) When I was coming to terms with my sexuality it was the gender side of things that I found more confusing but I'm more comfortable with how that sits with me now. So if you want to talk about it here feel free to do so, there are also some stickied links in the trans resource/questions thread above at the top of the page. Don't know if I can be of any help but if you have any questions I'll do my best to answer them honestly.

deirdre_dub

One of my FTM friends sent me this re on-line support -

Livejournal has some pretty good forums. There's ftm and ftmvanity. there's also an irc channel called Yay for Queers that I am on constantly. It's a group for all transpeople and allies but it seems to have more FTMs than anyone else. Instructions for connecting can be found at this link: http://ftmichael.transboys.info/yayforqueers.html. Michael, the guy who runs the channel is a wealth of inormation so it's well worth coming in a few times.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all your replies! I appreciate the support.
Funnily enough, sexuality is no issue for me - I know exactly what I am, and am comfortable with it. The gender thing, no. It's something I have fought with forever. Knew I wasn't quite right, but just passed it off as a tomboy phase. However, I am now in my 30's and I feel it might not just a tomboy thing.

I don't really have body dysphoria too much - I don't hate my body, but I very much dislike the lower part.......
I am very much emotional (which I hate!!!! I wish I could turn it off!!)
I am repelled by 95% womens clothing. Like, I feel sick if I have to wear formal/semi-formal womens attire. I wear boys/mens clothing, and have done since i was nine years old. I was ridiculed plenty of times, of course. "Are you a boy or a girl?" asked to me - too many times to count. Always had male friends - don't get on too greatly with women. Can't stand makeup. Love male dominated things. (Which I also get hassled for, as I know a bit too much "for a girl" as I am told!). My mother always told me that I was not lady like, and that I shouldn't sit "that way" and I should walk "like a girl" - but it felt comfortable to me to sit the way I sit, or walk the way I walk. I wasn't trying to be anything - the way I am is natural.

I feel like it's hard to feel comfortable, or to fit in anywhere. Society always wants you to look as your assigned gender, and will give you insane amounts of grief if you look otherwise. It's a cold world!

What is all this? As I hear some people say "I don't think I am trans enough", I don't feel I would be labelled as trans, but it's as if it's somewhere between a tomboy & trans. Does that make sense? Sorry for all the rambling. These are just my thoughts. I would love to hear thoughts on what I've just said. Just trying to figure this whole thing out, after such a long time thinking about it.

wonderfulname

If you're a blog person... (rest of the site's probably worth a look for you too)

Aaand a forum - You say you're not sure, there's forums on there for every shade of grey too.

Babybuff

Sounds reasonable to me, I identified as queer as it felt more comfortable and suited my gender issues.

I know that there are no absolutes, it doesn't have to be Trans or not, you can be a very masculine woman, just as you can be a very feminine man;
Everyone is different and you shouldn't push yourself to assign a specific role i.e. trans, but find a happy medium that makes you more comfortable, just because it gets less media coverage doesn't mean it's unique and I imagine there are many women in your position.
In the long term, you might want to consider talking to a therapist with more training in this particular field - they'd be able to help you understand your identity more and give you options, but ultimately I'd say do whatever makes you happiest in the short term...:

Labels are for cans, not people.

as it happens I'm probably a lot less "butch" or masculine than a fair few women (straight and gay) that I know but the qualities that I like and identify with are masculine to me (warm hearted, kind, caring, compassionate) as in that's what I "hear" in my head.

At this rate I'm fairly neutral and depending on who I am with I can be more one or the other, some people bring out the best in me and some make me feel very feminine..which is something I have had to get used to but in a good way and I learned to like all of it.

I was never very attached to the physical self anyway but that's a different story. Best of luck with you search.

wonderfulname

Who am I? wrote: »

What is all this? As I hear some people say "I don't think I am trans enough", I don't feel I would be labelled as trans, but it's as if it's somewhere between a tomboy & trans. Does that make sense? Sorry for all the rambling. These are just my thoughts. I would love to hear thoughts on what I've just said. Just trying to figure this whole thing out, after such a long time thinking about it.

Sorry, this wasn't here earlier, as an anon poster your posts get screened before they appear.

All of the above makes sense to me. Most of it quite fits me in fact, by the way hi fellow boardsies, this is wonderfulnames coming out post mark2 :pac:

I'm a good bit younger than you, but I'm in the process of coming out as genderqueer, basically, as you put it, somewhere between tomboy and trans, or as I've put it to my friends, enough of a genderfreak that I'm obliged to say something (I admit it's not the most sensitive of lines..). It's not just about gender roles, I'm not just a 'very masculine woman', I'm not really a woman at all, I do have some dysphoria, but I'm not a man either. I'm just me really.

The really fun part with this is there is absolutely nothing concrete about how you should feel, what you should do, or who you should want to be, so there's nothing I can point you to to give you a eureka moment and solve all your worldly confusion. I can tell you that there are a bucketload of people out there that are like you, to varying degrees, given the nature of it all, and there's nothing wrong with it in the slightest.

And I can give you even more links:
t-vox page
genderqueerid
genderfork

Oh, and I can also be wrong, especially about people I don't know at all, so you don't have to listen to me.

deirdre_dub

Good news! I now know exactly what you are.

You are a female-bodied person for whom sexuality is no issue, but who fights with your gender. You aren't quite right with it, though you don't have too much dysphoria. You don't like your emotions or women's clothing etc etc etc.

The label you put on that experience is a decision you make. Labels are nothing more than a (piss-poor) way of describing an experience. If the label "trans" works as a description of that experience, then that is its label, and you can give hell to anyone who says it isn't "trans enough". If the label "between tomboy and trans" works better, go for it! The important thing isn't the label - the important thing is the experience behind the label.

As for how to fix the bits that aren't working for you - that is another story. I'd suggest contacting other FTMs / tomboys similar to you and see what works for them. See what tips and tricks you can apply to your life.

Babybuff

If I could give just one word of advice, don't ever let anyone else tell you what you are.

Azure_sky

If you can get the cash together then I recommend Dr. James Kelly. A lovely guy, albeit very professional, and his prices, at least from what I've heard, are more economical than the other people who are qualified to diagnose you with G.I.D. However I'd personally recommend some soul searching first to decide if you're really transsexual and want to continue. At the end of the day we know who we are better than any professional.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. I really appreciate the input!

bendypower

Hi, I'm Ben and it was me who gave Deirdre the online resources to pass on to you.
I have always hated the expression "not trans enough". You are as trans or not as YOU say you are, nobody else can dictate that to you! I agree with everything that's been said above about dictating your own labels but I do think it can be helpful to have people to vocalise it with as a method of getting things straight in your own head. I strongly recommend you try out the Yay for Queers irc channel as there are a huge number of people with various identities on there that will be happy to discuss thing with you and let you vent about what's going on in your head.
Also, i second Wonderfulname's suggestion of T-Vox. it's a fantastic resource that I forgot to mention to Deirdre. Check it out.
also if you would like to talk to me directly, I man the Cork trans support line 0851083935 feel free to give a call or text.
Hope that helps