Wedding in Six Months - In love with someone else?

muchado

As the title says, I have gotten myself into a position where I am six months from getting married and I have been having an affair, I am in love with both of them.

I want to be with my boyfriend but I love my fiancee so much and my family are so close to him (he spent Christmas Day with us even though we were on a break).

Its a total mess - I dont trust my boyfriend enough to stay around if I call off the wedding, although he swears he will.

What would others do?

RxQueen

Do yer fiance a favour and leave him, he deserves much better.

cofy

Call a halt to the wedding, if you loved your fiance you would not have cheated on him. Marriage is more than just a wedding day.

ladypip

I would be of the same opinion of the other two posters although maybe not as harsh. If you are seeing someone else then your marriage is really pointless, If you went ahead and got married what's to say you wont meet someone else and start another affair or spend your life unhappy. It sounds to me like you are getting married for everyone else around you not yourself. You may love your fiancée but not enough to make a marriage work. My advice would be walk away from both relationships neither will end well.

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL - OP, this is the forum for advice on relationship issues.

Can I remind posters that from here-in the charter that governs PI/RI is effective and all advice is expected to be mature and constructive.

Many thanks.

Neyite

So the fiancé that you are planning to promise to spend the rest of your life with in front of friends and family is just a backup because you suspect your boyfriend is a flake?

And you were on a break with your fiancé 2 months ago, and getting married in 6 and you think this is a more stable relationship than your affair? And you still feel that as he spent Christmas with you and your family you "owe him"?

Or is it that you want the fancy day - dress up and have the wedding without a thought for the actual marriage (y'know, the whole reason for the fancy, expensive day out)

Call off the wedding, neither of you seem mature enough to make the lifelong commitment to another person.

I wouldnt trust your boyfriend either. Why would you trust someone when you yourself have lied and live a lie since you met him?

amber2

Jerry Jerry Jerry

Starokan

you need to choose and cut the other person out of your personal life completely. That's the only way you will know for sure, while you are seeing 2 people you can never really know what the right decision is. You have to choose and hope you choose right.

It wont be easy for you as you will hurt someone here no matter what you do and you will also hurt yourself in the process. The 3 of you are caught in a vicious circle where everybody is hurting, as it stands it cannot work out and the responsibility is on you to change whats happening.

I know you will get a lot of condemnation from people for cheating but these things happen in life, sometimes situations arise that we don't have the experience to deal with . Sort it out , the quicker the better before it blows up in your face.

samina

Who was it that said if you love two people at the same time go with the second cause if you truly loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second person? Anyways I think it's good advice. I agree with the above, your not committed enough to marry the poor guy set him free.

CarMe

Choose the second guy, he is low enough to carry on with someone in a relationship and engaged so i think you'd suit each other.
Please don't marry that poor man.

Ickle Magoo

Amber2, there is zero tolerance for muppetry in this forum and you ignored a clear moderator warning.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them if you wish to continue posting in this forum.

Many thanks.

username123

You are not in love with either of them, you love you.

Its not mature to consider going through with a legal and moral commitment to someone while busy betraying them with someone else.

You dont trust the bit on the side, and youve only just had a break from the hubby to be.

Honestly, if it wasnt so serious itd be a sitcom.

Grow up, stop playing with people, call off the wedding, break up with both of them, spend some time alone to figure out how to be happy with who you are and not need the attentions of 2 men to keep the drama alive.

puzzle factory

wish i had 2girlfriends to choose from.............

muchado

muchado wrote: »

I want to be with my boyfriend but I love my fiancee so much

i dont trust my boyfriend enough to stay around if I call off the wedding, although he swears he will.

you dont love your fiancee, you clearly just used to him, your probably going out with each other for a long time, of course your family love him, they are used to him being around.
you dont love him or else you wouldnt want to be with your 'boyfriend' as you call him!
if you cant trust your 'boyfriend' ( and frankly id imagine you are right!) than tell your fiancee you cant marry him, call the whole thing off, he deserves someone who WANTS to marry him, dont you agree??
and do not rely on your 'boyfriend' to pick up the pieces.

stand on your own two feet, make your own decisions, and spend some time alone.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,
Let's be honest here,you don't "love" your fiancee-your family "loves" him and will more than likely be at the least v annoyed with you if you call off the wedding/break the poor guy's heart.You want to be with your "boyfriend" but are worried he'll leave you as soon as you become a free agent....which is highly likely cos if you're cheating on the your fiancee with him,who's to say you won't do the same to him down the line......and you can be damn sure that is exactly what he is thinking.Do yourself and particularly you poor fiancee a favour,stop the charade and call a halt to what has got to be a sham relationship.

LegacyUser

muchado wrote: »

Its a total mess

It sure is.

You are definitely not ready to get married. Take it from me, marriage is not romantic nor sexy nor easy...it's dressing gowns and a baby crying, it's sharing payslips and a tax bill, it's a hug and a laugh after a long week. What makes it work is trust and friendship and devotion.

From your post, you are definitely none of that exists between you and your boyfriend. Call it quits now.

I am a friend

How did ye end up being on a break so close to your wedding?

Why did you get back with him?

I've been close to in your shoes - was engaged and met someone else through work but the difference was that I, before anything happened, realised that if I had such strong feelings for someone else, could not love my ex ENOUGH to marry him. I still loved him but just not enough and this is what you need to realise?!?!? You need to love your fiancé like no one else on the planet to marry him and you don't so set him free to meet someone who loves him like that.

dixiefly

I agree with I am a Friend. You owe it to your fiance and also yourself to make the right choice wrt the future. That means cancelling the wedding and probably finishing with him completely.

After that happens whether or not it continues with your boyfriend is up to the two of you but at least it is not under these circumstances.

Chances are your fiance will be devastated judging by the few facts you have given but it is also better for him in the long run.

LegacyUser

I think anyone can make a mistake, and had you said, "I've been with someone else, I bitterly regret it and it makes me beyond certain my partner is for me, what should I do?" I'd say, we all make mistakes, learn from it etc.

But you have met someone you want to be with more than your partner and yourself and your partner were on a break close to the wedding. Both of these have to tell you that something's wrong in the relationship. I'd avoid playing the blame game, at the very least call off the wedding and get some perspective on what you actually want.

ElleEm

OP, I echo the posts here.

I understand that you love your fiancee, but you don't love him ENOUGH. That is a fact.

You need to break up with both your fiancee and boyfriend and find who you are, and what you want from life. As you said, it's a mess... YOU'RE a mess!

You can't be worrying if your boyfriend will hang around after your split with your fiancee. Even if he does, could you be faithful to him? Would you trust that he would be faithful to you, as he clearly has a lack of respect for fidelity.

Your fiancee deserves to be with someone who loves him wholeheartedly, and would never do anything to hurt him. You are not that person, so let him go find the woman who is.

ChannelNo5

muchado wrote: »

I want to be with my boyfriend but I love my fiancee so much and my family are so close to him (he spent Christmas Day with us even though we were on a break).

This jumped out at me!! You were on a break????? With you're fiance who you are supposed to be marrying in six months?? WTF?
This is incredible stuff. I am sorry OP but are you really mature enough to be making the life long commitment of marriage, leaving aside the way you're treating the fiance "you love so much"?.. It really doesn't sound like it. If you must choose one, then let it be the boyfriend, he's the one you deserve

aidan24326

ChannelNo5 wrote: »

This jumped out at me!! You were on a break????? With you're fiance who you are supposed to be marrying in six months?? WTF?
This is incredible stuff. I am sorry OP but are you really mature enough to be making the life long commitment of marriage, leaving aside the way you're treating the fiance "you love so much"?.. It really doesn't sound like it. If you must choose one, then let it be the boyfriend, he's the one you deserve

And it's the bit that jumped out at me too.

Because you know what OP, leaving this 'boyfriend' aside (and I'm not sure how you could even call him that?), the fact you were 'on a break' six months before you're supposed to get married would in itself set the alarm bells ringing. Very loud alarm bells at that. Why on earth were ye on a break so close to your wedding? A break from what?

You can't go through with the wedding and that will probably include breaking up with your fiancee. He's not for you. If he was you wouldn't be in this situation. As for your bit on the side (and that's what he is, don't delude yourself that he's your boyfriend in any meaningful way) I don't really know what you should do there.

Only you can decide whether he's someone you might want to be with in the longer term. His total lack of respect for the fact you're engaged should concern you though. Any decent guy would not want to be with you in those circumstances, certainly not until you were out of your relationship at least.

WindSock

You were on a break from your fiancee at Christmas just gone?
Save the hassle and money and call off or postpone the wedding until your head is together and you understand the meaning of being in a committed relationship with someone you want to be in one with.

If you carry on as you are you are doing the cowardly thing and it will be a lot more difficult to bail out once you're married. If it's the idea of having a wedding and being married that you like more than your fiancee then do both of yous a favour now while you can.

tinkerbell

WHY OP would you want to marry a man who you do not love? That is crazy. I really feel for your fiancé, he does not deserve to be treated like a piece of trash which is what you have done to him by cheating on him. Have some respect for him and end things so that he can go find a girl who adores him and only wants him, not somebody else.

Not only that, but I think it's dispicable that you are haven't called it off yet - it would be terrible if you went through with the wedding. Things will end and then he'll have to go through all the crap of getting divorced, having to wait so many years to be separated before divorce can be considered, etc. He'll want to move on with his life and will be stuck with the constant reminder that he's to go through a legal separation before he can marry someone else.

And by the way, you don't love your fiancé. You actually don't give a crap about him because you NEVER intentionally hurt the people you love. And what you are doing is completely betraying him and is downright rotten, you are off shagging someone else. So stop trying to act all innocent - you don't love him at all. So do him a favour, call off the wedding and let him find someone who will treat him right.