I Is Confuse

LegacyUser

(I'm going unregistered for this one)

So I'm in my early twenties and I'm gay, or at least I think I'm gay - I've been thinking that way since I was about 15 y/o. I haven't told many people though. I'm attracted to men and I don't watch straight porn, only gay porn. I don't exactly come across as your stereotypical gay man; I'm quite "straight acting" (for use of a better phrase) and I'd say if I told my friends they'd find it unexpected - but then again they could have suspected due to the lack of girlfriends.

Lately, I've been exploring my sexuality ... experimenting, if you will. I met up with a guy just after the summer - not sex, just a date. It was good and I enjoyed it although I was very scared about someone finding out (as I'm not out), which I think put him off. Since then, I've been with two others guys, I only met up with them one time each (like a hook up/ mutual experimentation of sorts). I'd prefer a long term relationship but I was just experimenting to see what it was like.

The thing is, when I actually go to have sex, everything goes wrong. I can't "get up" so to speak and I become thoroughly disinterested, slightly freaked out and just waiting for it to end.

I've never been with a girl before (I haven't even kissed a girl), so I'm not 100% sure if I wouldn't like being with a girl, could I be bi? However, I'm overweight, so I'm thinking it may be some sort of performance anxiety? - I'm not really sure.

So basically, I just want to find out if there are guys her who've ever been in a similar circumstances.

Has anyone here ever thought for the longest time that they were gay but it turned out they were actually straight or bisexual? (Is that even possible??)

Also, if this is to do with performance anxiety (though I think this is possibly the wrong forum for this question), has anyone here ever had it and how did you deal with it.

Just a final note, I understand that sex isn't everything in a relationship but I think that it could certainly add to one. However, I don't want to come out or start a relationship with anyone until I'm 100% sure of my sexuality.

Thanks!!

JH_raheny

Well if not interested in girls at all there is a good chance you're gay I would say -
for the ""performance"" side of things I would think it is just due to lack of experience, we have all experienced it sometime, take things slow with someone who have the patience and it will all come good :-)

LegacyUser

It is actually scary how similar you're background story mirrors my own! (and perhaps many others on this forum!).

"So basically, I just want to find out if there are guys her who've ever been in a similar circumstances." - yes! Same as the poster above me, just give it time and find someone who will be patient and just take it from there. I'm not 100% out myself yet but I've found from what I've experienced that as long as you don't "force the issue" you'll be fine...

Good luck!

oisindoyle

Yes it's performance anxiety ,don't fret..while its a bummer and can wreck your head ,,it happens to the best of us ...Its nerves...

Some cant get it up,while others can get it up but cant cum ,,,,,its very common.
It WILL pass in time ....just try and relax and enjoy the moment when you're with someone again

foggy_lad

There could be some medical reason linked to your being overweight which is causing the "lack of interest" and the failure to rise to the occasion is then freaking you out a bit. It might be worth getting a general check-up and asking your doctor about this.

Slang_Tang

It definitely sounds like performance anxiety. When you meet up with a guy, there's just too much going through your head.

If you took it slower, I think it would help. You mention a long-term relationship and I think you'd find this beneficial for you to explore sex. It doesn't have to be in the romantic sense, just someone you like, get to know, and feel comfortable with.

MJRS

I think it sounds like a lack of practice almost, I'm not sure how else to put it! Spending years and years with your only sexual contact being masturbating to gay porn could have put a block on enjoying the stuff with other people. If you find you have a particular type of video or fantasy you tend to gravitate towards, maybe focussing on it for too long reduces how arousing the other stuff can be? I dunno, just hypothesising! Maybe cut out the porn for a while and try to fantasise about the past experiences with guys? I'd say the inability to get it up could also just be nerves, after a long time anticipating these encounters and also not being that comfortable in the nip, it's not that surprising! Nor is it a big deal, the best thing for it is just to try and relax and enjoy it, clear your mind of what's actually going on and just go with the flow Hope it works out for you boss!

Aurongroove

Your performance issues may stem from your inability to accept yourself as gay.

Subconsciously you may be hoping to be straight, and you may be associating sexual performance as a gay man as the final nail in the coffin. thus poor performance is the meeting place between your homosexual urges, and your hopes of winding up straight or bi.

Just be honest with yourself.

oisindoyle

Aurongroove wrote: »

Your performance issues may stem from your inability to accept yourself as gay.

Subconsciously you may be hoping to be straight, and you may be associating sexual performance as a gay man as the final nail in the coffin. thus poor performance is the meeting place between your homosexual urges, and your hopes of winding up straight or bi.

Just be honest with yourself.

hmmm,not too sure I agree with the above ..
Many a gay man whos out and proud can and does have performance issues,be they erectile disfunction(horrible name )cant maintain an erection sounds better ,lol, or he cannot cum ,,
It's all down to nerves ,it does pass in time .
relax OP

foggy_lad

oisindoyle wrote: »

It's all down to nerves ,it does pass in time .
relax OP

And how do you know this is the case for the op?

Aurongroove

It also goes without saying that any advice or opinion given in these threads, is precisely that, and doesn't take the place of professional help, medically or psychologically.

cgcsb

OP most of what you've written in your OP describes my experience to perfection. I've gone on hookups before and and I'd be so completely up for it when chatting to him at home on my computer but once it's happening, the performance anxiety kicks in and then I go soft. The thing is I don't really enjoy one night stands that much.

I've gotten rid of my performance anxiety by simply taking my time and only doing the things that I wanna do with a partner that I want to do them with. I used to have low self esteem and I'd settle for doing anything with anyone, that's all changed now. I've also lost a good bit of weight.

I don't think that you are straight or bisexual based on the info you've given. I'd say you'd have the same issue if you were with a woman.

Also years ago, I started a relationship with a guy and got comfortable with him before we had sex, no performance issues at all with him. It's just a matter of being in your comfort zone.

The nerves kill the mood.