why does this feel unfair?

LegacyUser

Long story short, my ex and father of my 5 year old daughter is expecting a baby with his girlfriend and its brought back all the hurt and pain I went through when I was expecting our baby.

He was always sneery, loved to put me down, embarrass me, and generally treated me like dirt. Anytime he had a drink told me straight out he didnt love me.

For some strange reason I loved him, he broke my heart over and over, left the night I told him I was pregnant moved in with his new girlfriend two weeks later, went between the two of us for several months (yes now I have my full senses i want to kick myself for tolerating it) came back in time to see our child born.

I must add early in my pregnancy i was admitted to hospital twice with a threatened miscarriage because i was so stressed over everything.

Was never supportive, never helped in anyway and we eventually split up for good when our child was 1 year old.

We were barely civil for sometime but for the past couple of years its been okay and our child idolises him and I am so glad for that.

I would never bad mouth him to my child and have always encouraged a relationship between them.

Today I find out that his current girlfriend is pregnant, she lives with him and has been with him for about two years with one breakup.

All the pain I felt when I was pregnant, the rejection, the hurt he didnt want our baby to start with, the non support, lack of love have come flooding back.

I feel for my child who was deprived the chance of having a normal family set up, two parents and seeing her father everyday and not on allocated days during the week.

Its like Im back there again and am experiencing all the hurt and pain despite the fact that I wouldnt be in a relationship with him if he was the last person on earth.

Why on earth do I feel like this, I want to be happy for him but all I feel at the moment is resentment that she will now get all the good of having a happy safe pregnancy when mine was put at risk and I was treated so badly.

How do I get past this, has anyone else gone through it and how did you cope?

Janet1986

I'm currently pregnant and will be doing it alone

It is very hard, seeing couples out walking with their baby and knowing that won't be me or even going into labour alone.

The father of the baby hurt me alot too and unfortunately i still love the guy, even when i met him recently, all the hurt came back.

The only thing i'm doing is trying to keep myself busy, that way i won't be thinking about him too much.

I think you should try and focus on what you have achieved, you have a beautiful little baby and you're doing the best you can

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply, I do feel for you, this should be an exceptionally happy time and its horrible that something can ruin it all for you.

In once sense I wish I had stayed split up from him letting him come and go as he pleased and hurting me over and over is what is actually killing me.

I feel that this baby is now going to have all my child deserved but didnt get and cant see how he can justify it.

I suppose in once sense its just mother bear syndrome but in another I feel upset for myself for what he did to me too.

I guess it takes some getting used to.

I wish you all the best and hope you have a happy and safe pregnancy.

LegacyUser

Hey there, am sorry you're feeling like this, but I understand. You are feeling like a normal person would. Sometimes when we are going through things we are on autopilot and it's not until later can we feel the feelings. I remember my then husband dropped me down to the hospital when I was having my second child, and off he went, told me to give him a ring when the child was born. On my third, I had to go to the early pregnancy unit for scan etc as I was having a threatened miscarriage, was all prepped for d+c, and a heartbeat was found....he wouldn't come with me for the appointment.....a few months later he was all over his girlfriend as she had 'the girl'. You must begin to truly move on from this man. But there's nothing abnormal about your feelings!

Good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't mean to sound bitchy, but you don't know what their relationship is like. No relationship is perfect and no family unit is perfect and "happy families" all the time.

If you had stayed together, your child wouldn't have grown up in the happy idyllic family that you wish for her. She would have grown up in a tense unhappy home where daddy regularly made Mammy sad.

She's better off with parents living reasonably happy separately, than miserably together.

You think his gf has something that you don't... but in reality, she has something you don't want.... HIM!

It's natural to be disappointed that life doesn't turn out as we planned. I don't think anyone sets out with the intention of being a single a parent.

But, your child isn't "different" or unusual. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship.. In her class the girls whose parents lived together were in the minority. And these girls used to be jealous of the others going off with their dads for the weekend!!

So whilst it's not what you planned, its not wrong either. And don't be jealous of other people's lives... because you can never know what's REALLY going on!

And in my husbands case, both him and his ex are now married and much happier than they would have been together.

saa

If he treated you like dirt you never had the chance to provide a happy upbringing for your children, you now have a chance to give your child that by being happy yourself as childrens self esteem is usually based on their mothers, they pick up the vibe and it will be challenging because the father is not there and it is hard but nothing is ruined.

I had someone leave me in a terrible position financially, emotionally all ways and realised after about 3 years I had no control over what happened but was letting them control what was happening in my life now by not moving on, how that is done is different for each person, but I do believe the body and mind has to digest and understand something like this or else you keep it on the front of your mind, it is a threatening thought so your body releases cortisol so you become sick through that stress, but I felt like to honour the seriousness of the situation I had to be on red alert and worry.

To get over your feelings about his current partner you have to understand them, I would not feel jealous for her being with an abusive partner but I am not emotionally attached to them and emotions take a long time to unwind through focusing on how you can provide for yourself, again and again in high stress situations that alone we find it hard to get over it really helps to talk to any organisation that is there to do just that, as its impossible to get that from friends and very difficult to carry it all yourself.

gud4u

It's always hard to let go of what we know, even when that's hurt and pain.
It's natural to feel as you do now, we all grieve for 'what if' and 'how it could have been'.
All you can do is try to forget the relationship you had, be glad you got the confidence to move forward and not be his verbal abuse recorder.

Let yourself feel the hurt and pain, then let it go and move on.

Break ups are hard as essentially you are grieving for a person who is still alive. Good luck and I hope you feel better.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your messages and they all make sense.

I have taken something from each and all of you and already think Im feeling better about it.

I have assumed they are happy when chances are she is going through what I did and if that is the case, she has my pity.

It would never have been a happy home so I guess i was looking at it with rose tinted glasses.

Plus holding onto how much he hurt me and treated me so badly isnt going to benefit me in anyway and ultimately means he still has control over my life. I did think that all this was behind me to be honest but its all dragged up again.

Im not stupid it will kill me to see her with her bump and him the doting Dad beside her, I suppose in a way its jealousy as I didnt have that but I will just have to deal with it.

Thanks again for your messages

WhyGoBald

I'm so sorry for what you went through with this man. Don't feel that you have to feel happy for him - that is absolutely not the case. Just focus on your own healing. Looking on the bright side, you know exactly what to avoid in a man next time around. Here's hoping you find a decent man who will treat you with the respect you deserve.