Can't relax around people

cherrychau

I rarely relax around people. I'm always on edge. Maybe after a couple of drinks, but I don't like drinking too much because I feel worse about myself the following day. I hate hangovers! I think people think I'm weird, strange and stupid. The thoughts going through my head when I'm talking to someone are so negative. I often feel ignored or when I do go to chat especially with a group of people, my hearts races, I can't think, stutter over my words and I blush. I'm such an awkward person. I feel like a freak and I'm sure I must seem like one! I always feel so inaqeuate, stupid and like I've nothing of interest or funny to say. I used to be funnier and lively when I was younger but I guess always had a tendency to be shy around unfamiliar people.
I look at other people chatting and wonder how they can laugh so easily and I can't. I don't seem to find things as funny as other people or be able to laugh genuinely. I wish I could just have a laugh with others! It would be great to have a laugh and connect with people but my self consciousness and being over self critical stops me from enjoying company. I don't know what my problem is. I think it's because I don't trust people especially other girls as I expect they bitch about me the same way they bitch about other people. I lost my self confidence a while back when 'friends' from college treated me badly. I hate when girls bitch. It makes me weary around them that they'll bitch about me at a later stage.
I'm so crap at small talk and that seems to be so important in life. I am easily intimidated by people also especially if they possess the qualities that I lack- self confidence, intelligence & ability to chat easily. I don't know how to engage people any more. My conversation never flows. I seem to be a listener not a talker. I listen to people talk but hate talking about myself as I don't think people will actually give a crap and I bore myself saying the same thing over and over again with different people. I was just love to have a laugh with people but I'm afraid to say the wrong thing or pass a comment that would offend. It's so oppresive being me.
I have friends but they have become more of acquaintances as I avoid hanging out as I'm afraid my cover will be blown and they'll discover what a bore or unhappy person I am. I avoid social situations as it takes so much out of me. I might meet for coffee but avoid engaging for long as I easily run out of chat or don't have the confidence to really be myself. I hate the thought of being judged and disliked. And I can't be natural anymore.
I have been away with friends for weekends but usually end up feeling deflated and sad afterwards as I compare my life to theirs and think their lives are so much happier and again I can't make free with people. It's sad I don't feel comfortable around the people I used to be friendly with anymore. I know some of my friends think I've changed a lot and I know that I act strange around them. I need help, I can't go on living this life of total insecurity. What should I do to help me feel normal?

Zen65

cherrychau wrote: »

What should I do to help me feel normal?

Some people can draw, some people can sing, some people can talk.

For others these tasks are far more difficult.

However like any other skill, conversation skills can be learned.

You can find some tips here.

The major flaw in those tips is the first bit of advice: "Be Confident".

Telling somebody who lacks confidence to be confident is like telling somebody to be smarter. It requires explanation and training.

The single most important tip about developing social confidence is to develop an interest; do something that you can talk about. Ideally that would not be something like knitting, but rather a sport, an art, cookery, an evening adult course, whatever. Read books - fiction novels, auto/biographies, or "how-to" books. When you have amassed a bank of knowledge it is far easier to hold your own in confidence in a conversation.

Joining a book club can help by giving your the opportunity to rehearse exactly the topic of conversation, on equal terms with others in the club.

Do not let this shyness stop you from getting out and mixing with people. Remember that the world needs listeners just as much as it needs speakers, and the best friends you will ever have are the ones that listen to you.

Be at peace,

Z

Eibhlin2011

Hi

Heres a copy of a post I put up on another thread that's relevant to your issue

"Hi. I suffered with similar problems. What helped me a lot was doing cognitive behavioural therapy. You can go to a counsellor - but this can be expensive at €50 per hour. Or your university might provide a free counsellor? Otherwise you can do it yourself by buying some books. Two excellent ones are - End the struggle and Dance with Life by Susan Jeffers and also a book called The Feeling Good Handbook - I can't remember who wrote that one ( I think the authors surname is Burns). The first book helps you to feel more optimistic and happy about life and the second has practical ways to alter negative thoughts you might have. You can train your mind to think more positively and then when you're talking to people you won't feel as uptight and the conversation will flow more easily.
Sometimes I slip back into negative thinking and find it hard to talk to people and then I have to get the books out to do the therapy again - it always helps.
I think someone else mentioned that you should ask questions when you talk to people and I think that's a good idea. People love talking about themselves and having someone to listen -"

cherrychau

Thanks a lot for replies. Eibhlin I had actually read your post earlier. Thanks for suggestions

TheBegotten

I know how you feel matter. Been there done that bought the t-shirt. Even now I don't like to join a conversation. It's not a flaw, its a quality. It comes from having an analyatic mind. You're too busy wondering about results and consequences to keep up in a conversation, right? And this can really drain your confidence. My advice: treat every conversation as a deathwish! Think to yourself "You know what: f*ck it!" And go in there with reckless abandon. It worked for my when I began to date girls. It can never be as bad as what your mind is doing to you. Relax and let it go with the wind

P.S. Ask lots of questions about them! Give the impression you care. Idk how it works differently with girls though. And normal's for people who are actually boring.

poozers

OP, you've just described me! im the exact same as you! and it makes me so angry, disappointed in myself and uncomfortable!i was also hurt by friends in the past and bullied when i was a kid. and it has totally affected my self esteem! bullying is the one thing in the world that makes me sick to my stomach!
im planning on going back to college in september, and one of my main worries about it is, will i be able to make friends and talk to people, and the main part of the course (well, jobs after it) is talking and dealing with people!
the things im interested in arent what other people would be interested in, like music nobody ever heard of, and i love books about serial killers and wars and stuff (not in a weird way, the psychology behind it all just really interests me) but i dont want people to think im morbid or weird, cos im not!!!
ive tried having the frame of mind as "just let go and relax" but as soon as im in a situation... i freeze up, go completely blank! and in the last year or so, ive become more aware of it which makes me more and more self conscious of it! thanks for bringing this issue up here and thanks for everyone replying. going to check out those books and websites!
i may not have given you any advice OP, but just letting you know youre not alone !

bfocusd

Be yourself, in school I was like a mouse, my teacher complained I don't speak enough, I explained, because im not constantly speaking doesn't mean im not listening, you will find people who can't stop talking are hiding there own insecurity, if they are not the centre of attention they feel left out.

I preferred chatting with teachers or any adult, I've always found it much more interesting.

Im sure you have some hobby, no matter how diverse or unusual it is, I would share knowledge of it, people always criticise stuff that's different, I think it's out of jealousy that they don't have the confidence too, they are scared of criticism.

In regards to conversation, im the same, I don't mind having a chat and a laugh, but as soon as it becomes mouthy, that's when I take myself out of the situation.
I suggest you be yourself, say what you want to, it will begin to flow and eventually become natural and you won't even realise it.

I was in a situation for several months with colleagues, every conversation was about people the didn't care about, but yet they would spend days talking about it.

I have a kinda quirky personality and a completely random train of thought, they criticised me about that a couple of times, I ended up miserable for a few weeks because I wasn't being myself, it was only when I met up with old colleagues they asked what was wrong, it was only then I realised how much I changed myself.

If you like time to yourself too thats no harm. I like having time on my own and I pity people that cannot enjoy there own company.

Once your comfortable and happy with the people your around, be yourself, feel free to say what you want, don't live your life being silent for fear of what people will think.

cherrychau

Thanks everyone for your responses. I bought the book by Susan Jeffers and it seems good so far, although I've only read a couple of pages. Sure I'll keep you posted