I'm standoffish.

LegacyUser

Lately I've come to the conclusion that I'm just a standoffish person. I think I give people the impression I don't like them. I've been told his anyway. I don't know exactly what it is I do... I have a few really good friends (maybe 3 good friends and then a bunch of random friends). I just want to meet more people and make connections. To strangers I think I'm confident and can make small talk but I can't get past that. I'm quite independant and I don't get involved or try to develop relationships any deeper. Its getting me down now, I don't want to be like this forever.

I've identified a problem when it comes to the opposite sex too. If I'm interested in a guy or even just attracted to a guy I do my best to act like I'm indifferent to them. I don't know why I do it. Even when I pass a decent looking guy in the street or one looks at me I will look away and act disinterested. I don't know whats wrong with me.

Has anyone else had this problem?

Emme

213452212 wrote: »

Has anyone else had this problem?

I can identify with some of what you're talking about. Were you rejected by family, friends or guys when you were younger? Sometimes being aloof is a coping mechanism.

LovelyLottie

As Emme said, i can identify with some (or maybe a lot) of what you're talking about.

I think a good starting point for you would be to try and talk to a counsellor or psychologist. With a professional, you could start to work out why you act in this manner, understand where this behaviour is coming from and then formulate some strategies for building future relationships.

Don't worry, you can change this behaviour, you just need to understand why you act in this way and learn new ways of interacting with people.

Good luck

blatantrereg

Are you like that with your close friends too?

If you aren't then I dont really see any problem at all.

Guys often prefer girls who discourage attention from other guys incidentally. Some will feel that way but won't acknowledge it, because they dont want to be taken as possessive or weak etc. So in that regard, while it might be a minor obstacle to connecting initially/superficially, it might also be a benefit as regards developing actual relationships.

Girls often prefer girls who discourage male attention too, come to think of it. Girls who get most of the male attention tend to be unpopular, especially when they have partners, or are around other people's partners.

I'd question the motivation of the person saying this to you tbh. Sounds like maybe you were being bashed rather than constructively criticised.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for the replies.

I can't think of getting rejected much in my life. I suppose in my family there was always an element of my feelings not getting acknowledged or taken into account. Nothing was ever talked about. So I have problems opening up to anyone.

I've spoken to a counsellor before and I got surprisingly angry when he tried to get me to open up so I stopped seeing him.

Its grand to not invite heaps of attention from men but I feel like if I meet a guy I like I give them the impression I'm not interested. This is even more extreme if I really like the guy. I don't have this problem with guys I'm not interested in and I therefore tend to gather up male 'friends' who are interested in me but I have no interest in them. Its just confusing.

LovelyLottie

Ok you've tried a counsellor before... just because that one didn't work doesn't mean that it'd be a waste of time trying a different one. Sometimes you need to try a few different ones before you find one who you can open up to and who can ask you the right questions, that was my experience anyway. They're not all good... If it's bothering you this much, there is no harm in trying a different counsellor or psychologist.

I can relate to your behaviour of ignoring guys you're interested in. I think i used to do this because i had such shockingly low self-esteem. I also used never give a guy a chance if i wasn't immediately attracted to him, and acted completely disinterested. I used to be terrified of encouraging unwelcome attention, and so acted like a totally standoffish b1tch, when i really wasn't inside, i was just scared they'd like me and i wouldn't know what to do.

Going to speak to someone is never a bad idea - just do a bit of research and try and go see someone who has a good reputation. A clinical psychologist might be expensive but might just help you figure out some of your issues. Good luck.

gud4u

Emme wrote: »

I can identify with some of what you're talking about. Were you rejected by family, friends or guys when you were younger? Sometimes being aloof is a coping mechanism.

I can identify with you completely, even down to a few really good friends and a bunch of aquaintances.

Aloof is exactly how my husband describes me and apparently he likes it:) and yes, rejection was the name of the game for me growing up.

I have dark short hair and glasses so immediately I come across as not exactly 'light and bubbles', all I can say to you is, the people worth getting to know are the ones who will see past any 'standoffish' vibes you give off.

A bit of a smile and some colour in your clothes can make a difference if you're trying to be softer with your approach to people. There are some things I do, depending on the situation to make me more approachable as I too have had people tell me I'm standoffish and somewhat poker faced. I have different glasses for different occasions, depending on nice I want people to think I am. I use the word THINK as opposed to KNOW, as people will make up their minds as they want. I was even described as ''the cross looking one'' in my last job.

Tbh, I now use it to my advantage, I have days where I look sharp and standoffish by how I dress and portray myself. Clothes are my armour, I can where combats, boots, a cap, no make up and a shirt just as easily as I can wear a skirt, shoes, hair done nice and make up. Random as that may seem, it is how I am and more importantly I accept it.

I agree with blantantrereg, if your best friends are okay with your personality then it's not too much of an issue and I wouldn't be too pushed with wondering why you are, the way you are. Just because I can be aloof, doesn't mean I have behavioural problems or a personality disorder. As for the motive of why people are saying this to you, are they friends or just people that don't know you. I only took it to be an observation from peoples first impression of me, most new colleagues admitted they were intimidated by me when they started working with me,(usually when they had a few drinks in them at a staff do:-) ) so now I actively smile more and be more approachable to new colleagues even though it doesn't come naturally to me.

The one thing I would encourage you to do though is seek another counsellor and deal with your issues around not getting your feelings recognised as a child. That fact that you got so mad you didn't want to talk about it or go back to counselling means you really need to. I have been there on that score too, it took me a few attemps to find the right one and then I had to face up to certain things, so counselling can be scary and draining, but so worth it.

Take care.