Sabotage

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I am struck by the great advice that is often given in this forum so thought I would give it a try.

My problem is that I sabotage relationships and then find it hard to move on. Most recent example I met a guy who was really into me and I liked him too. As soon as I like somebody the insecurity starts not all the time but it does rear its head. For example I would start "testing" my partner by pulling away and seeing do they come after me. With the most recent guy I did that and he came running. When we had arguments I would suggest that we should break up though I wouldn't fully mean it. This happended a few times over a six month period until he called my bluff and broke up with me. Yes, I know I sound like a total head wrecker even writing this.

I am old enough not to be playing these games and I know I am hurting myself. I have been to counselling before to deal with my issues around men and relationships. I understand why I am doing it but its almost like I cant stop myself. I did tell ex partner about my issues and that somtimes I do stuff like this etc. I do understand from his point of view how frustrating this can be though he was by no means perfect himself. He really didn't understand it though and said I was not normal.

Once the break up happens I tend to feel relief for the first month I felt like a huge burden had been lifted but as time goes on I start to regret my actions and get angry at myself. I think I also secretly hoped that the guy would come running back to me and tell me how much he loves and misses me (pathetic I know). Exd now wants nothing to do with me He has a new girlfiend so that kind of hurt to find out. He has moved on and I am left with regret and hurt of my own making. These feelings have been going on for three months.

I don't even know what I am asking here. I guess I am questioning if I am able to be in a proper relationship ever? If I met the right person would they help me deal with these issues? Any advice??

I just want to clarify that I am not constantly acting in this way with my partners, its just that every so often the ugly monster rears its head and I do something to test the waters. I feel really bad about myself so would appreciate if people didn't jump all over me and tell me to cop on or that I am a nut job please. I am generally really confident, copped on easy going person but then this...

Payton

I think you should grow up for a start, playing with peoples feeling is disastrous. Find a new counsellor and get to the real issues in your life as to why your doing what your doing.......and stay single until its addressed.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thank you for replying "on the verge" but telling me to grow up is not really constructive. If it were as simple as just clicking my fingers and sorting this well I think I would have done that.

I am not happy or proud of myself for how I behaved and not looking for sympathy just constructive advice. I know that this hurts myself and others so am trying to address it.
Am not a bad person. Am trying to work on myself here

Casillas

I was with a girl who did the same to me. She pulled away, got close, pulled back etc. She would constantly test me and make me feel bad and then when I felt things were on track, she dumped me. It hurts a lot and Id never let anyone do it to me again. I agree with the previous poster, you cannot do this to another guy, it's wrong. But you realise it, trying to work through your issues in therapy is a good way to identify your bad habits and find a way to break them. Best of luck OP I hope you can move away from this destructive pattern.

username123

youradvice wrote: »

I have been to counselling before to deal with my issues around men and relationships. I understand why I am doing it but its almost like I cant stop myself.

Get a new counseller. Its not almost like you cant stop yourself, you CANT stop yourself. If it was almost like it youd be thinking about it but not doing it. Sort out your self esteem issues, learn to love yourself and stop playing with peoples emotions.

youradvice wrote: »

If I met the right person would they help me deal with these issues? Any advice??

Absolutely not. You should refrain from engaging in relationships until such a point as you are able to conduct yourself properly in them. You cant expect a new partner to sort your issues out for you! Theyre YOUR issues, you have to sort them out!

Forever Hopeful

Op, I am not sure if this helps but I have done that in the past. I admit I do sabotage myself and have done it in 3 relationships.
Before beating up on the Op for messing with people's feelings, if she is like me then the reason is that I didn't trust my boyfriends' feelings. You don't believe they even have feelings for you, I truly didn't believe someone could feel that way about me. I didn't think they could hurt like I hurt. It's a terrible way to feel and I haven't been in a relationship for nearly 5 years now because I have such a twisted view.
Like the OP, I've 'tested' bfs, I've tried to break up when I really didn't want to. Why? Because I wanted reassurance that they didn't want to be without me. They called my bluff and I hurt.
I think it stems from low self esteem from being bullied and teased when I was younger. People have no idea the impact of saying to a child who would want you? All boys use you.
Op, it's v hard to articulate these things and I know myself that I could do this again but I firmly believe that I won't when the right person comes along. In the meantime keep believing you have every right to be loved and happy in a relationship as anyone else

starnight

Hi I understand were you are coming from I used to do the same thing I am a male and have not just done this girlfriends but to friends and family also.

I have deep issues when it come to family and and my child hood growing up. I always have been let down on the past and I let people in and just do what you do push them away asking all the time do they care at all. I have lost some great friends when doing this.

I think people can judge way to fast on this issue and it is not as easy to say just grow up and get on with it. You have some deep issue that need to be sorted out and I am not sure if you still are gettting help or not with your issue?

I think the best thing you can do is get help and sort yourself and then start getting invloed with someone. I am still getting help 2 years on.

I hope you get sorted soon

Take care.

Miss Fluff

youradvice wrote: »

If I met the right person would they help me deal with these issues? Any advice??

I'm afraid it's not up to a partner to help you out. In fact, I think getting involved with anyone would be a really bad idea until you sort yourself out as entering into a new relationship while these issues remain unaddressed would be terribly unfair on a potential partner and on yourself. A new boyfriend can't "fix" you and placing the onus on them to help deal with your issues would be desperately unhealthy.

Have you thought about CBT? You need to break this pattern of behaviour once and for all and the only way to do that is to fully comprehend why it's happening in the first place.