GF has no friends / interests..

LegacyUser

Going anon for this.
Myself and GF both 40s divorced living together 2 years.

I've lots of friends (that I'm losing touch with) and a couple of serious hobbies / interests..GF hads NO friends no interests..

I been losing touch with my friends because of this, just been sitting home or cinema or whatever with GF and feeling guilty if I went off to visit friends..so kinda avoided that..

But recently decided I misssed my friends and their company so have decided to start visiting them and meeting them again..just a bit mind ..

Now before anyone says ought..yes we do socialise with my friends.. they all know my GF..I always bring her to events that are on .. but when I feel like popping over to male mates it's not really appropriate to bring GF with me..

So now..first time I wen off and visited a friend whom I hadnt seen for a bit..and was home at 10.30 ..I'm told I shouldnt have been so late..and I got texts when I was out visiting asking when would I be home..I was only gone about 3 hours in total..

GF was apparently bored at home...

Advice please?

Beruthiel

If she's bored, it's not your problem.
I can't believe someone that age hasn't developed interests.
Hell, I don't have enough hours in the day for all the stuff I like doing.
I'm in the same age bracket as yourselves, things I like to do:
Xbox 360, reading (sooo many books, so little time!), film, internet, gardening, cooking.
Seriously, tell her to entertain herself, you're not there for that!
If you wish to encourage it, buy her some books. Give her an xbox with Oblivion and Skyrim to start her off. (That should keep her quiet for at least 4 months )

Either way, do NOT loose your friends over this.
Sit her down and tell her that you care about her, but you will not be letting your friends go.
Tell her that you do not exist in order to entertain her, she is old enough to do that herself.

I am a friend

Did she move in with you so she will have entertainment 24/7??? It's ridiculous a woman her age is 'bored' within 3 hours. I'd suspect there is more to It than that. Has she been possessive / controlling before.

username123

Beruthiel wrote: »

I can't believe someone that age hasn't developed interests.

I havent got enough hours in the day for the things I want to be doing either but the older I get the more I realise that there are LOADS of people out there with no interests - I could think of 10 people right now in that boat.

Its massively unhealthy. It means the person is always dependant on their partner or their kids or their mother or whoever they live with for their personal entertainment. My FIL, nearly 70, is one of these people, no interests and now very sick in hospital and doctors telling us he must get some interests or he will just slip into depression, he sits and channel surfs and obsesses on his health most days.

I think sometimes you get people who get married or in a long term relationship and just put all the focus there (or in some cases get so wrapped up in their children that they have no personality except 'mammy' anymore or so involved in work that they have no personality except 'assistant to the boss').

Why has your GF no friends - Ill bet its because in her last relationship she dropped all her pals to focus on her partner and made him do the same?

Here are some thing I like to do on a weekly or monthly basis, obviously my interests are my interests but it might give some ideas for your gf.

Exercise - Daily, swim and/or walk/jog.
Read - ferociously every day.
Study - Im hooked on distance learning.
Cook - it relaxes me!
Groom - I spent plenty of time doing my hair/nails/trying out different make up.
Online window shopping - dont ask, I can lose hours on ebay looking a purple knee high boots!
Star gazing - with my binoculars or naked eye at night.
Documentary watching.
Films, tv series - boxsets like Lost etc..
Internet goofing off - not playing games, just checking out websites Im interested in.
Socialising with friends - at least once or twice a week for an hour or two, sometimes much longer, sometimes more frequently.
Art galleries/theatres/cinema - a couple of times a month.
Historical sites/old ruins etc - once or twice a month (more frequent in summer), rubbings of old carvings etc Id spend time on Google Earth plotting routes to places of interest to visit - sometimes a trip could be months in the planning with me doing a little bit of research each week.
Project home maintenance - weekly there is some job that needs doing, a small repair or some area to be cleaned thats hard to get to - I try to keep on top of the stuff that can be ignored for months.
Nature watching - including birds, drives out to countryside, visits to animal shelters etc..

The above is just off the top of my head. I also have a heap of stuff that Im waiting to do but am restricted due to lack of a garden or no time.

Stavro Mueller

It sounds a little odd that she has no friends at all. Did she fall out with them or is she one of those people who drops her friends when she meets a new man? Is she clingy?

Definitely you need to have a chat with her. It must be pretty stifling at times to be just stuck at home with her. Everyone needs another outlet. She needs to understand this.

Maybe she needs a bit of help to develop new hobbies and meet new people. Are there any activities going on locally which both of you could go along to and get her out of the house?

LegacyUser

Hi all

OP here
Thanks for replies.

She actually has one female friend whom she rarely sees or meets..very rarely.

As far as I know she has never really had any friends..I thought it was because cos she's very quiet..but I do find it strange..she has a couple of sisters and we have met up a bit with her family and although they get along they don't really keep in touch and met up or visit..rather strange really..

I could honestly say that about 90% of our socialising over the last couple of years has been me arranging and with my friends..the remainder has been occasions with her family (Christmas etc)
I don't get bored (ever) .. always something to do .. somewhere to go .. and I LOVE meeting friends and being in social settings.

It's all a bit bizarre really but yes I've been missing my friends..and need to sort that now..

Cheers

ManOfMystery

I think there's 2 issues here really.

Her boredom and lack of friends is one, but it's really up to her to decide whether that's an actual issue for her, or if she's content being like that.

I'd be more concerned about the fact that you can't go out for 3 hours without contact with her (especially as you LIVE together) and she reckons 10:30 is 'late' for you coming in.

It set off alarm bells for me as my ex was very much like that. I play guitar and I used to have a weekly thing on Thurs nights where me and some other guys who played musical instruments would jam together in a garage at a friend's house. Now even though my ex knew this was a recurring thing every Thursday (from about 7:30 - 10:30pm), I still got texts every time asking what I was doing and when I'd be back. If we ended up having a good session and running into 11pm or later, there were then lots of questions about where I was and why I was late. If I didn't text back straight away (which happened fairly often given that I rarely heard my phone over the noise) there was a barrage of questions as to why. I felt like a dog on a leash. If I queried why she was doing this, she tried to say that texting her boyfriend wasn't a crime and then put a guilt trip on me. Her behaviour gradually got worse over time and that is why she is now an ex.

You need to nip this in the bud now. Make it clear to your gf that being in each other's pockets 24/7 is NOT healthy for a relationship - you both need time apart, time to do hobbies/interests, and time to do see friends. And that time does not include texting/ringing each other or setting curfews. As long as you're home within a reasonable hour, there's no issue ......... and 10:30pm is certainly not late. And I would certainly agree 200% with the posters above, don't let her behaviour influence your friendships with others.

If she took the time to develop some hobbies and interests, this would help. A person who has a naturally possessive streak is much more prone to dwelling on things too much and letting their imagination run riot when they have nowt to do apart from sit on the sofa. Being engaged in something else (cooking, walking, sports, music, dancing, yoga, whatever) will help take her mind off you.

Miss Fluff

gimmeadvice wrote: »

GF was apparently bored at home...

So you're both in your 40s and you've been going out for two years. Does this mean that for 40-odd years before she met you she was in a perpetual state of boredom? If she is relying on you solely for her entertainment then what exactly did she do to amuse herself before you came along?

I've a broad spectrum of friends, a busy social life and a plethora of interests to keep me amused and entertained. When I met my fiance I loved that he is fanatical about sailing, surfing and fishing and also has a wide circle of friends. We both same into the relationship as self-contained and interesting human beings and that works so well for both of us. Lovely that we're both so independent and always have stuff to talk about. I know if I was clingy or dependent on him like your OH is he wouldn't stand for it - neither would I. Phoning you and telling you she is "bored" is unacceptable. I wouldn't be rushing home at high speed either - you're not a court jester. If I were you I'd make a point about expanding your interests and social circle and let her do the same. Only boring people get bored - fact.

ash23

Does she have kids?
Is there a reason she isn't able to pop over to friends etc?

Just wondering as I know as a single parent I am quite restricted as to what I am able to do in the evenings. So if she was a single parent before meeting you, maybe she has just fallen into a pattern of staying in all the time.

Not saying she's right but I can see how it happens.

But she needs to make friends or if she doesn't want to, she needs to be happy with her own company. Just because she's not a social person doesn't mean she can prohibit you from being one.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Does she have kids?
Is there a reason she isn't able to pop over to friends etc?

Just wondering as I know as a single parent I am quite restricted as to what I am able to do in the evenings. So if she was a single parent before meeting you, maybe she has just fallen into a pattern of staying in all the time.

Not saying she's right but I can see how it happens.

But she needs to make friends or if she doesn't want to, she needs to be happy with her own company. Just because she's not a social person doesn't mean she can prohibit you from being one.

Nope Ash..no kiddies..all grown up and self sufficient at this stage..

Anyhow as posters have said it's not really my problem (or it shouldn't be..)
I've been around the block enough times to know how precious good friends are

Lorna123

gimmeadvice wrote: »

Going anon for this.
Myself and GF both 40s divorced living together 2 years.

I've lots of friends (that I'm losing touch with) and a couple of serious hobbies / interests..GF hads NO friends no interests..

I been losing touch with my friends because of this, just been sitting home or cinema or whatever with GF and feeling guilty if I went off to visit friends..so kinda avoided that..

But recently decided I misssed my friends and their company so have decided to start visiting them and meeting them again..just a bit mind ..

Now before anyone says ought..yes we do socialise with my friends.. they all know my GF..I always bring her to events that are on .. but when I feel like popping over to male mates it's not really appropriate to bring GF with me..

So now..first time I wen off and visited a friend whom I hadnt seen for a bit..and was home at 10.30 ..I'm told I shouldnt have been so late..and I got texts when I was out visiting asking when would I be home..I was only gone about 3 hours in total..

GF was apparently bored at home...

Advice please?

I wouldn't even mind her having no friends of her own but to have no interests either except for you is a bit much. It puts a lot of pressure on you having to keep her happy all the time. There are such a lot of things she can do on her own. She should really be thrilled to have a bit of space for herself while you are out, even if just to watch programmes that she likes to watch that you are not keen on. Reprimanding you for being home at 10.30 is a bit OTT. Just tell her nicely that you will be meeting your friends once or twice a week and that's it. She will find something to do while you are gone. I love having "me" time.

ElleEm

Miss Fluff wrote: »

So you're both in your 40s and you've been going out for two years. Does this mean that for 40-odd years before she met you she was in a perpetual state of boredom? If she is relying on you solely for her entertainment then what exactly did she do to amuse herself before you came along?

I've a broad spectrum of friends, a busy social life and a plethora of interests to keep me amused and entertained. When I met my fiance I loved that he is fanatical about sailing, surfing and fishing and also has a wide circle of friends. We both same into the relationship as self-contained and interesting human beings and that works so well for both of us. Lovely that we're both so independent and always have stuff to talk about. I know if I was clingy or dependent on him like your OH is he wouldn't stand for it - neither would I. Phoning you and telling you she is "bored" is unacceptable. I wouldn't be rushing home at high speed either - you're not a court jester. If I were you I'd make a point about expanding your interests and social circle and let her do the same. Only boring people get bored - fact.

I would imagine that if she was married previously, she probably lost any friends she had due to this. She sounds mega clingy.

gimmeadvice wrote: »

Going anon for this.
Myself and GF both 40s divorced living together 2 years.

OP, I feel for you.
I can imagine that she aims to make you feel guilty for going out so that you won't go out again.

Is she a social person? When you go out with your friends, how does she get on with them/ their wives/ girlfriends?

I am wondering has she got issues with being out at events. She may get on with people, but may find it difficult to maintain the relationships with them, or how to take it from the "acquaintance" level to friends.

Does she know that it is a bit odd that she has no friends or hobbies? Is she happy with how things are?

LegacyUser

I would imagine that if she was married previously, she probably lost any friends she had due to this. She sounds mega clingy.

I haven't really heard of any friends during her marriage...think things were pretty quiet..not sure TBH

Is she a social person? When you go out with your friends, how does she get on with them/ their wives/ girlfriends?

I am wondering has she got issues with being out at events. She may get on with people, but may find it difficult to maintain the relationships with them, or how to take it from the "acquaintance" level to friends.

She appears to get along with all (many of my friends are female) but never keeps up 'contact' .. she did go away fror a weekend last year with my female friends but only after I arranged that she be asked She never kept up contact..
The vast majority of her FB friends are my friends.

She likes being out and socialising but then afterwards ..nothing..


Does she know that it is a bit odd that she has no friends or hobbies? Is she happy with how things are?


I honestly don't know..I have always found it strange...

ash23

gimmeadvice wrote: »

Nope Ash..no kiddies..all grown up and self sufficient at this stage..

Anyhow as posters have said it's not really my problem (or it shouldn't be..)
I've been around the block enough times to know how precious good friends are

Ah ok, was just making sure there wasn't a reason she was tied to the house

If you don't think there's an underlying issue such as social anxiety or extreme shyness, then you need to talk to her and tell her that you need to spend time with your friends and it bothers you that she is calling and texting and complaining when you stay out late.

ElleEm

gimmeadvice wrote: »

I would imagine that if she was married previously, she probably lost any friends she had due to this. She sounds mega clingy.

I haven't really heard of any friends during her marriage...think things were pretty quiet..not sure TBH

Is she a social person? When you go out with your friends, how does she get on with them/ their wives/ girlfriends?

I am wondering has she got issues with being out at events. She may get on with people, but may find it difficult to maintain the relationships with them, or how to take it from the "acquaintance" level to friends.

She appears to get along with all (many of my friends are female) but never keeps up 'contact' .. she did go away fror a weekend last year with my female friends but only after I arranged that she be asked She never kept up contact..
The vast majority of her FB friends are my friends.

She likes being out and socialising but then afterwards ..nothing..


Does she know that it is a bit odd that she has no friends or hobbies? Is she happy with how things are?


I honestly don't know..I have always found it strange...

Making friends and KEEPING them as you get older is hard. A lot of my friends are from school, college, old jobs etc. I find it strange trying to MAKE friends now. I have met loads of people I like but it is weird striking up that "friend" thing with someone new. Maybe this is part of her difficulty.

Fair play to you for asking for her to be invited on a girly weekend. And she clearly had no issue going with your friends so that shows an eagerness on her part. Maybe she just doesn't wanna do the running?!

Fentdog84

Obviously some people are less socialble and outgoing than others but that kind of needy, insecure behaviour would drive me crackers, especially in a partner.. maybe deep down she resents the fact that you have friends and a social life outside your relationship and she dosent.My guess that's the issue. I mean, your not joined at the hip you are perfectly entitled to meet friends and do things without her texting that ''she's bored''. Jeez Louise.

Talk to her and see if you can get her to into doing something, i mean there must be something she has an interest in. Otherwise if things keep going as they are you could both end up being unhappy.

careymary

OP I think you have been very active in trying to include your OH in your social life and create opportunities for her without you too which is really nice of you, its unfortunate she hasnt developed on any of these opportunities but she needs to take some responsibility too,
you need time to yourself and time with your mates too, its unreasonable of her to expect you to entertain her 24/7, and 10.30 isnt a late night in my eyes
I dont know how much more you can help her make friends unless she is showing willing to do so but please explain to her again that you need time with your mates too, persist with it, you may regret it if you dont!
good luck!

EGAR

ElleEm wrote: »

Making friends and KEEPING them as you get older is hard. A lot of my friends are from school, college, old jobs etc. I find it strange trying to MAKE friends now. I have met loads of people I like but it is weird striking up that "friend" thing with someone new. Maybe this is part of her difficulty.

Fair play to you for asking for her to be invited on a girly weekend. And she clearly had no issue going with your friends so that shows an eagerness on her part. Maybe she just doesn't wanna do the running?!

I actually find the opposite is true for me. I have made great friends in the past few years (also in my 40s).

OP, I am always wary of people who define themselves through their partner and cannot occupy themselves without their partner. If my OH were like that I doubt I would be with him for as long as I have. I actually love ME time, read a book, update my website etc. If people are that clingy there are usually underlying problems. A shot in the dark but perhaps she has low self-esteem and thinks that other people do not want to keep in touch with her so she wont even try.

My advice: talk to her about it. Only she can tell you why.