unsure over boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hiya,

Been dating a guy 7 months. Recently he insisted on using condoms (we're on the pill and have been tested). He'd just returned from visiting a friend who recently had a baby, he also discovered another friend has gotten a girl pregnant by accident. Fair enough he was freaked and wants to take extra care.

But....we were discussing this lastnight outside the bedroom and he made a comment that is freaking me out. He said if I ever got pregnant it'd be 'down the stairs with you...I certainly wouldn't be moving over to France anyhow.'

I live in France, we've been long distance since the start but the relationship has been very good. He plans to move over in September to be with me. He has said in the past he wants children and I've let him know I do too - he's mid 20's, I'm nearly late 20's.

So.....comments? Was it a stupid comment or should I take heed that if pregnancy happened, he'd do a runner? He's generally quite responsible so I'm not sure how to take the comment, I'm a little surprised to be honest and it seems like such a shXtty thing to say to someone.....could he really truly be that irresponsible and selfish and stupid to believe that if I got pregnant, it'd be my problem and not his, that he'd fekc off and not want anything to do wtih the situation? It seems like something a much younger person would say???

The whole thing is just making me uneasy, I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or should take it at face value that he means what he says.

LegacyUser

It's quite normal for a male in his mid 20s to not want to become a dad just yet. Unfortunately it's not unheard of for a woman, and particularly one who would describe her age as "nearly late 20s", to force the issue unbeknownst to her partner. Your boyfriends recent experiences, possibly combined with some comments made by you that he may have interpreted in a specific way, are leading him to make it known to you that were you to try and spring a "baby trap", it wouldn't necessarily force his hand.

Beruthiel

guest252 wrote: »

So.....comments? Was it a stupid comment or should I take heed that if pregnancy happened, he'd do a runner?

You would be better off asking him that question, he is the only one who can answer it.

could he really truly be that irresponsible and selfish and stupid to believe that if I got pregnant, it'd be my problem and not his, that he'd fekc off and not want anything to do wtih the situation? It seems like something a much younger person would say???

Again, only he can answer that question, but, it can, and does, happen at any age OP.

For now, he's being very responsible about not getting pregnant.

LegacyUser

OP here, I was wondering if maybe he thought I would try and trap him...but I dont think so. He knows me fairly well, ive no intention of having a child yet, not for a good few years and Im not the type to try that trick. i dont like people that do that, I think its deceitful and I think hed know me well enough by now to know that wouldnt happen. Ive not really brought up kids much or been broody around him.

As for forcing his hand....it was his idea to come to France and he has been quite eager to make the commitments and push the relationship forward... Ive not really talked about the future as much as he has. So I dont get his reaction that hed pull out of the move....if I thought it was him getting scared about the move and reacting to it, putting his foot down so to speak that he doesnt want kids yet, then Id get it...but I dont think so as he has been pushing the move over all along.

beruthial ...I was thinking of discussing it, but if i brought it up, im pretty sure most people would back track and give the politically correct answer that yes, if it came to it, hed work with me and try to deal with things....but Im wondering if this is an insight into a side of him I hadnt seen or realised before....Ive no probs with being responsible and not wanting kids now, im fully behind him on that and was very eager to use extra protection....but Im nervous now of having sex with him knowing that IF things went wrong....Id be left to deal with things alone, and I couldnt really complain as he has already effectively told me thats the case...

jessiejam

Even though his throw away comment about "it would be down the stairs with you" was really immature.

The fact that he is taking extra precautions to prevent a situation he is obviously not ready for is a good thing.
Him seeing his friends with babies was obv enough to make him realise that.

Just his way of saying in a roundabout way that he doesn't want kids yet.

IrishEyes19

I respect that someone might not want kids right now, but am I the only one who thinks his comments were disgusting. Id certainly be freaked if he said that to me.

I am a friend

So he said if you got pregnant with his baby, he would want you to fall or be pushed down the stairs so your baby would be killed.

Nice....

On top of that, if you had the baby, he would not be with you?!?!?

If my oh said that to me before I got pregnant then there would be no baby now cos he would have been dumped.

Run!!

Tigger99

guest252 wrote: »

He said if I ever got pregnant it'd be 'down the stairs with you...I certainly wouldn't be moving over to France anyhow.'

Maybe I've got this completely wrong (and you do definitely need to talk to him about this) but did he just joke about pushing you down the stairs if you got pregnant?:eek:.

Now maybe he meant that he wanted you to get out of his life if you got pregnant (which isn't exactly fantastic either, but at least isn't joking about domestic violence), but I think joking about either is pretty unfunny and it will linger in your mind until you talk to him.

Aren't you better knowing this now rather than if an unplanned pregnancy occurs?

Tigger99

P.s at mid 20's he does sound very immature. id be asking myself can you trust him to support you if a crisis, such as an unplanned pregnancy, happens?

LegacyUser

I know he meant the comments about domestic violence as a joke....in bad taste, I agree, but hey.....

But how much of a joke and how seriously do I take the sentiments behind it? If I thought it was just his way of saying look, I dont want kids now.....then thatś fine....but Im a little freaked out by his comments, both on his "solution" to the pregnancy, and that if I had a crisis, pregnancy or otherwise, hed be gone.....Its just resting a little uneasy on me that he might not be dependable if i needed him to be.....how do I talk about that or judget that....if I sit down and say hey, did u really mean that youd be gone if I fell pregnany, or that ud want to get rid of the baby, it might seem to him that im planning a crisis pregnancy-pushing for it....Im pretty sure that I wouldnt really get a straight honest to god answer either...

I am a friend

Well my taste in jokes doesn't extend to domestic violence but if yours does then looks like you have met your match. just don't be surprised if you can't find him when the sh1t hits the fan..

Good luck to you

LegacyUser

IMO, I do not like the sounds of it. Pregnancy is the responsiblity of TWO people. Unless you are abstinent there is no 100% sure way to prevent pregnancy. I got pregnant on the pill. I did marry my boyfriend and after we had our third child I decided to get my tubes tied. Five years later I got pregnant again! Now my hubby is snipped and we are just hoping for the best;). No matter how many precautions you take to the bedroom, whenever you have sex there is always a risk of getting pregnant.

As far as what he said, he sounds quite immature. Just the way he worded was in such a degrading matter. The only suggestion I have is to speak further with him about it. If he continues to express himself in this way well it shows lack of character on his part, imo. This is not somebody I would to be with in case something does happen.

uck51js9zml2yt

from a male perspective this is a serious issue if he wouldn't take responsibility for his part in having a baby.

if your going to talk to him use open ended questions.
like ...what did you mean by.....etc.
let him do the talking .

hattoncracker

My ex once told me that if I got pregnant, he would get really drunk, get on a plane to England and I'd never see him again.

Key word in that sentence: ex.

Squiggler

How about telling him that, as abstinence is the only guaranteed contraceptive method, sex is now completely off the cards until such time as he is willing to take a risk that you might become pregnant?

asdf1234

Squiggler wrote: »

How about telling him that, as abstinence is the only guaranteed contraceptive method, sex is now completely off the cards until such time as he is willing to take a risk that you might become pregnant?

What a fantastic way of convincing him that you're trying to conceive as a method of forcing him into a permanent relationship, that'll really help the situation massively. Bravo!

Squiggler

asdf1234 wrote: »

What a fantastic way of convincing him that you're trying to conceive as a method of forcing him into a permanent relationship, that'll really help the situation massively. Bravo!

Well, that's what he has practically accused her of.

Actually, what I suggested would be a clear way of demonstrating absolutely that there is no intention of tricking him into becoming a father. Every other method of contraception, including vasectomy and tubular ligation has a "failure rate".

If it was me I'd be questioning whether I wanted to take the risk of having a child with such a man.

lace

Hi OP!

I can understand how this was meant as a joke but if I was in your position I would still question him about it. You say that the two of you have discussed your desire for children some time in the distant future and have come to an agreement about contraception but have ye ever discussed what would happen if you were to become pregnant in the near future?

I find it hard to understand how you can go for std tests and discuss contraception, sex, children and moving in together without the issue of a crisis pregnancy ever coming up.

If moving in together is on the cards, ye're going to have to sit down and talk about this eventually. If I were you, I'd use this comment to raise the issue. Explain that you definitely do not want children for a few years, that what he said has got you thinking about what would happen if you were to fall pregnant by accident and you'd like to discuss yer options just in case.

At least a conversation like this and knowing what both of you would want in the event of a crisis pregnancy might help to set your mind (and his) at ease a little.

LegacyUser

There's a huge chasm between your boyfriend 'wanting children' and 'pushing you down the stairs if you get pregnant'. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. Has he ever shown such disparate views before? And has he even apologised for saying such a horrible thing? We can all say things when we're worried/stressed etc, and he might be stressed about an unexpected pregnancy, but his comment about pushing you down the stairs was way out of line.

Stop tip toe-ing around him and tell him straight that you will not be spoken to like that again. If he's stressed about an unexpected pregnancy, you will both discuss it. Let him know that if he makes any comments like the one above, you're walking.

johnr1

I think the important bit in what he said (apart from the severly off colour joke) was the fact that he took it upon himself to decide what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, - no; "we'l deal with it" no; "what would you want to do" no; "we'l decide together".
Instead, it's ; "this is what's happening - I've decided, now deal with it".

I doubt he's decided to throw you down the stairs, but if I were you, I'd want to know what he's decided for both of you without me. Then I'd leave, because if he thinks he can make a life changing decision like that without consultation, then what other decisions will he make for you both without consulting you.

Now, - he COULD have just been laying down a marker, - giving you a fright just in case you were getting broody, but if this is how he goes about important things in life, then he's too immature to be in a serious relationship with, and yes, as you asked; unreliable.

.

You're

Leelaveela

He sounds incredibly insensitive about it, if nothing else. Also, I suggest that you have the "do we want a family in the future" conversation again - you say that you both want children, but that sounds like an incredibly strong anti-pregnancy reaction from someone who's meant to want to settle down and move to a different country with you.
The way he phrased it sounds awful to me, but I think it's simply a matter of sitting down and mentioning that it worried you that he said this. Maybe say "It's not because I want to be pregnant, but the way you said this worries me.". Not wanting children = fine.
Implying that he'd abandon you if you fell pregnant = not okay.

blatantrereg

He was deflecting the conversation with a bad joke. He is scared of getting you pregnant right now and uncomfortable talking about it.

Now you need reassurance, and looking for it will probably make him feel pressured to think about it. This would make him more uncomfortable and more likely to be similarly defensive.

Also he might be offended by the idea you took him even remotely seriously. The odds are that he was not, since his concern over the thing in the first place indicates a responsible kind of mindset.

You need to approach it quietly and just talk about how you feel, dont criticise or comment on him at all. Basically you need him to hear "she needs reassurance about this" and not to hear "argh she's talking about getting pregnant again!", if you get me.

As for whether it was acceptable behaviour on his part or not, well that's entirely up to you to decide. In this case I dont think direct confrontation in a critical manner would be beneficial, as it would just result in miscommunication. He would perceive it as you getting onto him and still not get the actual issue. Once you get across to him that you actually need reassurance now he'll cop onto it by himself. If you dont think this is acceptable on his part then maybe consider if you want the relationship at all. You might find similar communication issues arise in future, and that a level of patience is needed on your part to get past them.