marriage not consummated

72 DARREN

Middle aged couple married nearly 6 yrs, and its still not consummated, I gave up trying to bring up the subject over a year ago, Why haven't we went for marriage counselling you ask? I suppose a lot has to do with the cost of things like that and her not willing to talk to me [ HER HUSBAND] about the problem, at the moment I'm just working to pay bills. ( no spare cash},
Things were ok before the marriage, it happened around once to twice a month, We talked about having kids and its something we both wanted,, she's not having an affair,and there are no other issues i know about, she says we can afford kids at the moment,
I'm really thinking about going out and paying for the sex, how long more am i expected to go without? but that's just not me, I'm at a stage in life now where i need to figure out if I'm going to stay on this road or get off at the next exit, I suppose why i haven't left her already is the taught of loosing everything i have worked hard for, { House, car etc} and then the taught of having to start all over again, we all know how hard it is to get a mortgage , Then how do i go about telling family and friends about why the marriage failed? I would rather make up some other excuse than tell them the truth than have it broadcast all over the neighbour hood, I think at this stage it's starting to effect me emotionally, I have taught about going out and buying a pack of condoms, taking a few out of the pack and leaving them where she would find them and she would confront me about them..
Any taught and views much appreciated,
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

rbag

I agree with the previous poster. This really is very sad.

It's just cruel. It really is.

Ask her one last time to go for counselling and tell her directly how you feel.

Otherwise I would think that it's time to move on if you're not happy with the current situation.

You won't lose everything if you divorce. And who cares what the neighbours think.

Would you like to be in the same position in 5 years time?

I am a friend

Whether you would like to admit it to yourself or not, you are in an abusive relationship. Your wife is controlling you and as such is abusing her 'power' within the relationship to your detriment.

She also led you a merry dance as she was having sex before you married and then stopped. The lack of sex within the marriage is grounds for annullment.

Forget about kids. That will only add fuel to the fire, you need to explain to her that you are not willing to allow her to control the physical side of the relationship any longer and you are willing to walk. I dont think she will change for any length of time given that she wont even talk about it. She might start to put out when she decides she wants kids but i doubt that will last longer than conception

Bottom line is that ye are flatmates at the moment and not a couple. Do you want to live like this for the next 40 years?

Katy89

op, just to be clear, you havn't been sleeping with your wife once since you married?
tha'ts a tough issue and first of all all respect for you for staying with her so long in spite of this circumstances.

but I wonder, did you ever got any hint WHY she doesn't want it? did you both sat down and talked to each other properly ever? and with properly I mean calm, in a respectful way, listening and intersted in each others issues?

op, it's a guess, but if a woman refuses sex completely, there's a fair chance she's been abused in the past and can't talk about it.

I think it would be fair from her at least being able to tell you WHY she doesn't want it.

Oryx

Your comment about the condoms speaks volumes to me. Your relationship with your wife is so stilted and tense that you would go to those lengths to force a conversation about this, rather than just facing it head on and bringing the subject up directly.

A marriage without sex is not a marriage at all. Its almost a business partnership, where you come together for the financial advantages of joint home ownership. But you have no connection or intimacy with each other, you sound like friends, and very uncommunicative ones at that.

Up to a year ago, you tried to bring up the subject, and I presume she fobbed you off, so you've understandably given up the fight. Im sorry to say, that if, over 6 years, she hasnt wanted you sexually, then she never will. In the course of your post, you mention the need for sex, and finances. Nowhere do you mention love. From you, or from her. It sounds like a very cold and unfulfilling place to be. I know you like your car. I know you want to stay in your house. But at the expense of a normal life? Really? Think about what you are sacrificing here long term. If you stay, and end up paying for sex with someone else, what kind of person will that make you? When you look at yourself in the mirror will you like who you see?

You dont just deserve more than this half life. You need it for your long term well being. Cars and houses come and go, this is your one shot at a good life. Don't waste it.

barleybooley

Technically, OP, if the marriage was never consummated then ye're not married and this is grounds for an annulment although generally it's very hard to prove.

I feel for you, I really do and I think your wife gave you a false sense of security by having sex with you before the marriage.

There's no way around it, you're going to have to have it out with her over the issue, come what may because right now you sound miserable.

What's she like day to day? Is she loving in other ways?

omahaid

barleybooley wrote: »

Technically, OP, if the marriage was never consummated then ye're not married and this is grounds for an annulment although generally it's very hard to prove.

I feel for you, I really do and I think your wife gave you a false sense of security by having sex with you before the marriage.

There's no way around it, you're going to have to have it out with her over the issue, come what may because right now you sound miserable.

What's she like day to day? Is she loving in other ways?

I was interested so had a quick google

citizensinformation.ie wrote:

Voidable marriage
To prove to the court that your marriage is voidable, you must show one of the following grounds:

At the time of the marriage ceremony, either party was impotent. You must show that either you or your spouse was unable to consummate the marriage. You cannot obtain a declaration of nullity because one of you is infertile or because one of you is simply refusing to consummate the marriage. It must be the case that one of you is incapable of sexual intercourse.

iguana

barleybooley wrote: »

Technically, OP, if the marriage was never consummated then ye're not married and this is grounds for an annulment although generally it's very hard to prove.

That's only in terms of the religious aspect of a Catholic marriage, legally it means nothing.

username123

OP - a house and a car? No way, not worth staying in a loveless and cold marriage for.

What on earth does she say if you bring it up?

'I am a friend' is right, she led you a merry dance, she had sex with you before marriage - and now, for 6 years, none.

Please dont be thinking of prostitutes or paying for sex, leave this woman and go and get a relationship with someone who wants to have sex!!

72 DARREN

Thanks for all the feedback, much appreciated, she was never abused or raped,and I'm 100% sure on that, I have to make a decision now on what I'm going to do,
It won't be easy, but i know if i stay i mite live to regret it, ill have to seek legal advice first and just see what way things stand,
Thanks

username123

72 DARREN wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback, much appreciated, she was never abused or raped,and I'm 100% sure on that, I have to make a decision now on what I'm going to do,
It won't be easy, but i know if i stay i mite live to regret it, ill have to seek legal advice first and just see what way things stand,
Thanks

OP - if I were you Id seek legal advice first, then sit your wife down after and speak to her about how serious this is, that you are considering ending the marriage as a result of it. Maybe the two of you would get talking if she knew how serious things were because it sounds like she is not living inreality at the moment.

I am a friend

I don't even think she will listen. He hasn't been pushing her for 6 years to even talk about it so she probably thinks he never will at this stage...

She is not going to turn into a sexual being overnight and I suspect any change to her sex drive will be short term and a knee jerk reaction to his threats to leave rather than a desire by her to be intimate with her husband.

Joey the lips

Just as suggestion but I dont think its healty for any relationship to go without sex unless both agree.

I understand money is tight. I dont know your religion and dont want to intrude but accord is the catholic marriage counciling service and as far as i know its very cheap as its funded by the church. It is not a bible bashing service either. It does what it says on the tin. It was set up by the church to prevent the breakdown of marriage.

I never advocate affairs. You need to broach the subject openly and point out to your partner that you cannot be expected to do without so counciling is your only option.

aidan24326

Joey the lips wrote: »

You need to broach the subject openly and point out to your partner that you cannot be expected to do without so counciling is your only option.

In all honesty a 6-year sexless marriage is probably gone beyond counselling. She won't even talk about it or acknowledge there's a problem. Before they got married they only had sex once or twice a month which in itself isn't much, and in 6 years aincc there's been none whatsoever. No physical intimacy at all. That's no sort of a marrige. His wife, for whatever reason, simply has no interest in having sex and that's not likely to change. This isn't a marriage it's a sham and I don't see any councellor being able to fix that.

And OP if you do make the decision to end it (and you're running out of options at this stage) then nobody needs to know the reasons. It's nobody's business and you certainly don't have to tell anyone it was lack of sex unless it's a trusted friend. BTW I mean no offence by calling your marriage a 'sham', but I think you must know yourself at this stage that both of you are living a lie and that this isn't a marriage in any proper sense of what that should mean. Without physical and sexual intimacy you're little more than glorified housemates, and your wife must be living in cuckoo land if she doesn't realise that.

Paddy Bateman

72 DARREN wrote: »

Middle aged couple married nearly 6 yrs, and its still not consummated, I gave up trying to bring up the subject over a year ago, Why haven't we went for marriage counselling you ask? I suppose a lot has to do with the cost of things like that and her not willing to talk to me [ HER HUSBAND] about the problem, at the moment I'm just working to pay bills. ( no spare cash},
Things were ok before the marriage, it happened around once to twice a month, We talked about having kids and its something we both wanted,, she's not having an affair,and there are no other issues i know about, she says we can afford kids at the moment,
I'm really thinking about going out and paying for the sex, how long more am i expected to go without? but that's just not me, I'm at a stage in life now where i need to figure out if I'm going to stay on this road or get off at the next exit, I suppose why i haven't left her already is the taught of loosing everything i have worked hard for, { House, car etc} and then the taught of having to start all over again, we all know how hard it is to get a mortgage , Then how do i go about telling family and friends about why the marriage failed? I would rather make up some other excuse than tell them the truth than have it broadcast all over the neighbour hood, I think at this stage it's starting to effect me emotionally, I have taught about going out and buying a pack of condoms, taking a few out of the pack and leaving them where she would find them and she would confront me about them..
Any taught and views much appreciated,
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

I wouldn't think anyone here would have a problem is to decided to use prostitutes as you outline above how much longer can you go without? Just make sure you are well protected. Best of luck

Ickle Magoo

Paddy Bateman permabanned - feel free to argue the quality of your contributions to this forum thus far in the DRF.