Best friend bailed on holiday to spend time with girlfriend...

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I am looking for advice on how to approach this. My best friend of a few years has been seeing a girl for the last few months who is actually great and a good friend of mine too. They have their ups and downs but overall they're fairly happy together.

Me and my best friend had been planning for about the last year to go abroad for a few days for the craic, it was actually his idea and a few months back we booked flights. Another one of our friends came along as well. Then a few days before the trip there was some drama with his gf, he bailed on both of us giving a list of excuses (which didn't add up at all). Then we found out while we were away that he spent the whole week with her, whereas he had told us something else.

Right now I am extremely annoyed and angry at him for doing this, myself and my other friend see each other a good bit but the main reason we decided to go away was cos we don't get to hang out together anymore.

I got a message with a short BS apology but I am still extremely annoyed because it cos both of us a lot of money and he has also been coming up with stupid excuses for things like this the whole time.

Any advice please? I just really can't believe that someone who is my best friend (and considers me a best friend too) would do this.

OS119

Annoyed wrote: »

...I just really can't believe that someone who is my best friend (and considers me a best friend too) would do this.

sorry to be harsh mate, but if you're appalled that a bloke in his twenties would bale on a drinking holiday with his friends so he could spend a week having lots of sex with his new GF then you've lived a very sheltered life.

is it unfortunate, yes, is it entirely forseeable - also, yes.

the money issue depends entirely upon whether you were able to go on the holiday after he pulled out or not, if you were - whether you wanted to or not - then you don't have an argument as you don't have a right to 'make' him go on holiday with you. if cancelling one booking meant cancelling them all then you do have a argument - certainly a moral one.

there's very little you can do about it - either you accept that your friends are subject to the normal desires and priorities of young men and will therefore bump you off if someone with boobs and long legs comes along, or don't accept it, and live like a monk and pretend to be astonished when people chose not to live their lives the same way.

you can, of course, chose not to be friends with this particular bloke - and i'd have some sympathy with that choice - but in general terms you're going to have to get used to the idea that as long as your friends are in healthy, happy relationships then friends come second.

Big Bag of Chips

Is he a bit 'under the thumb'? What was the drama, was it her saying "if you go away with them, you won't be coming back to me"?

I'm guessing the BS excuses are because he's either too embarrassed to tell you about a row they had, or as OS says, that he just wanted to have sex all week, and didn't want to share the details with you.

Peanut2011

Dear OP,

There are few things in your post that is alarming. You seem to be so hurt that your best friend ended up cancelling the long planned holiday to be with his girlfriend.

If he cancelled and that meant you could not go either or if it meant you had to pay more to go and could not afford to, I could understand your hurt, however it would appear you were still able to go and you were not left on your own.

Maybe this kind of behaviour from your part is what makes him think he can't talk to you and had to give you "short BS apology" in order to get out of it.

Maybe you could start acting like a friend and start understanding that your mate now has other commitments and maybe he had to cancel in order to work out any issues in their relationship as he values it.

I would suggest you stop trying to figure out in your head why it happened as it did and talk to him and understand that this girl might be important to him.

Keela11

OP I can your friend sounds like an ass. Granted we don't know the back story or why he really wanted to stay but if any of my friends bailed on anything we had planned for something that wasn't urgent then I'd be pissed. The fact that it may have been just to have sex all week as OS119 suggested makes it even less acceptable, he can do that whenever, you had this planned for ages.

I know there are arguments over when a romantic partner becomes more important than close friends but even if you are now the less important party flaking on anyone is really jut plain inconsiderate.

TBH though I don't think there is much you can do about it. Just sit him down and explain that you're annoyed and want to know the real reason he stayed. I mean it could've been that something happened to his GF that she doesn't want him talking to others about or anything really. I do think you have a right to be annoyed though.

LegacyUser

It is crap when friends do this but unfortunatley some guys do.

In the end you have to just decide how good a friend the guy is. Is this something that's worth dropping him for or when you do get to hang out are you happy for him and understand.

I've had this happen several times with friends, 2 in particular.

1 friend was going out with a girl for 3 years and pretty much dropped off the face of the planet. We'd see him the very rare occassion. None of my friends were the biggest fans of his girlfriend to be honest but he was good guy and a long term friend and when it did end, even though we all felt it was better for him in the long run, we were still supportive and there for him and he began to see us a lot more again. We could have given up on him but we all considered him a good friend and felt we didn't want to drop him as a friend and just enjoyed when we did get to hang out.

Another friend (and housemate) went the other route. His attitudes and behaviour changed completely when he met his girl to the point he was just not a nice person to be around any more. I put up with a lot thinking he was a good friend and again didn't want a girl to come between us but in the end of the day he as being totally whipped and taken advantage of. I was hoping he'd see it and to be there but to be honest a year on he's still following her around like a puppy as she treats him like crap and he's done and said some aweful things to me and other friends in that time that we just deemed it unacceptable but have pretty much left it to him if he ever wants to salvage some sort of friendship, for his sake I hope the relationship lasts, at this point or he'll be left with zero friends.



So there you have it, need to find the balance. Even though cancelling on you sucks, some guy do this. Is it such a big deal that you want to drop the guy or can you see if for what it is and just be happy to keep him as a friend but not see him so much.

As for lying about what he did. I wouldn't dwell on that part. I think he knew that if he said he spent a week clinging to his girlfriend to a bunch of guys that he was in for a torrent of abuse so it was easier to just make his excuses. I'd take that with a pinch of salt. I think you know what happened... His GF wasn't keen on him going on a lads holiday and he's maybe a little whipped at this point and not wanting to lose her by going against her wishes.

LegacyUser

Once again bear in mind: IT WAS HIS IDEA TO GO.

I am seeing someone as well at the moment and I didn't bail on my friend did I?

His excuse was "to sort things out with her", the same excuse the last time he bailed on us was "to sort things out with her". I gave him advice like any friend would do and he still lied to me and my other friend.
As well as that he didn't even tell some of our other friends who we were supposed to meet that he wasn't going, leaving us to have to answer for him.

If this is "acceptable" for some of ye then I highly question the Irish mentality toward friendship and romance.

I am a friend

Op your issue should be with your friend and not the people who gave taken time out of their day to reply to you.

You come across as very stroppy and high maintenance - maybe that's why he didn't want to go away with you?!?!?

Randomer.

Surprised by the replies here. The friend was obviously in the wrong. Sounds like he's wipped. The ability to have a relationship where you can still see your friends is the sign of a good strong healthy relationship.

If his GF is forcing him to bail at the last second on a trip he organised then that's alarm bell stuff.

Unfortunately with guys like this, in my experience anyway... little can be done.

You'll see less and less of them. You'll prob have to get used to the idea he won't be your friend anymore. Or at least until the relationship ends.

face1990

Cancelling plans (and these were big plans, flights and everything) so you can bone for the week is not on, no matter what way you spin it.
I can understand a 16 year old choosing sex over his friends, but you're supposed to grow out of that before your twenties.

Bro's before hoes, as they say.

I think you're completely right to be annoyed. What he did was inconsiderate, selfish, immature and disloyal. Talk to him about it, if you think he'll be willing to speak openly about it. It's not good to bottle stuff like this up. If you let him know how you felt about it, he may start to understand your point of view.

Missy Moo Moo

I'm pretty surprised at some of the replies here. I can't see how it's acceptable to let your friends down just to have sex or just because the girlfriend may have thrown a hissy fit at him spending time without her.

Unfortunately OP there's not a lot you can do here, you can tell him you feel let down especially since he texted his excuses and didn't say it face to face. Or you could distance yourself and just not trust him to be relied on for any future plans. We all make mistakes though, especially where the opposite sex is concerned, so I'd be inclined to go for the former and just tell him you were disappointed in a non confrontational way.

iguana

Is there any chance your friend couldn't go on the holiday for another reason, like maybe he couldn't afford it, and is using his girlfriend as an excuse so he doesn't have to admit it.

fungun

its one thing to bail on an idea...another when you have the flights booked and its all agreed. Not much you can do tbf, but its reasonable to be annoyed with him over it. If he is your best friend? Try to let it go, what comes around goes around, best friends let stuff like this go.

Fentdog84

I think you've every right to be pissed off. Its something you had planned and being looking forward to for a long time and only for him to bail at the last moment is a real poor form on his part. Sure these things happen but his reasonings were quite sketchy so you dont really know whats going on. I would have just gotten over it and had a good time anyway- never rely on other people with these kind of things.

As for your friendship, as some posters have already alluded to, when some people get into relationships friends often fall by the wayside or become marginalised. In your situation, I think you should just leave things as they are, i dont think he has to tell you anymore than he's told you unless he wants to. But i wouldnt be organising trips away etc with him again.

cafecolour

It could be that the new girlfriend is of the jealous control-freak variety (i.e. you're going to go and sleep with random women! It's either the holiday or me!), but who knows. I wouldn't want to jump to said conclusion on one instance.

However, regardless, he's a grown man. Bailing on an arragement such as that for anything less than an emergency is in general a poor form.

Some people are like that. In general, I wouldn't count on him for anything in the future - just plan what you want to do and if he comes great. I.e. I wouldn't be putting him in a wedding party or anything like that.

If he stays with this girl and you really want to see him more, just plan a couples vacation (via her, not him, as he's unreliable) or the like.

crazygeryy

Is there any chance your in love with him,you had planned to make a move on him on the holiday and she messed it up?
Just asking.

Ickle Magoo

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crazygeryy

Ok I have one piece of advice for the op.women make men do crazy things.i reckon if he only just started going out with her it was his dick making the decisions not his brain.if he was a best mate he should offer you the money back and an apology.if he doesn't well then you have some decisions of your own to make.

And my apologies to u op and mod for the last post I was being a dick myself.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies and the good advice, I decided to overlook it but he knows that the next time he uses the excuse "to sort things out with her" will be the last time he uses it both for me and my other friend. Also as one poster said, I won't be planning anything like that with him again, I'm just going to make my own plans and if he wants to come that's up to him.

Also, regardless of him not going we still had a great time but it's the principle of the fact that he wanted us to go in the first place is what bugged me.

To the poster who said that I come across as "stroppy and high-maintenance", all I need to say is that I'm not and any of my friends will back me up on that.

Please lock this and thanks again everyone.