want to have kids..but afraid

LegacyUser

im in a long term relationship and we have talked about the future,kids,etc. before.

until recently i was sure i didnt want kids. my boyfriend and i had a few talks about it over the years and he knows i didnt want kids (as far as hes concerned i still dont) but he was willing to give up the opportunity to be a dad because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. i did feel guilty but the idea of having kids just didnt appeal to me.

until recently.... ive been awful broody. old childhood friends have added me on facebook and all of them have kids now and just looking at all of the photos and imagining having my own baby is actually appealing! i came around to the idea and i do want to have kids.

the only thing is...vaginal birth terrifies me. i know c-sections are dangerous too and recovery takes a long time, but i just cant wrap my head around pushing a baby out of my vagina! my mum had very hard time with me and my siblings, she was in labour for almost 40 hours with me and over 20 with my brother. the idea of waiting that long to push a baby out is actually making me unsure if having children is "for" me. im not sure if doctors would even do a c-section unless its an emergency.

i havent mentioned any of this to my partner, i dont want to get his hopes up and i also feel like a horrible failure of a person for being so afraid of something other women have been able to do for thousands of years.

can anyone offer me advice on this...is it wrong to want a c section? should i tell my partner i want kids now but i have that fear, or will i just seem pathetic? should i just try and get over this and go back to not wanting kids, as i dont think ill be able to overcome my fear of vaginal birth

gypsy_rose

If your username is your birthdate, you're about the same age as me, and frankly, I think we're both a bit young to be giving birth just yet! But that's my opinion.

Pregnancy is scary, and it can go wrong, but if you do decide to do it, you'll be in very capable hands. You can have pain killers etc., but in all honesty it isn't going to be a walk in the park.

But if you want children that's just what you have to do, it's a sacrifice. But like you said, many women have done it before you and many will afterwards. No matter how painful or traumatic the birth was, people always say it was worth it once they saw their baby's face. So it really is up to you.

But don't have them just because you think you should, just because we're female it doesn't make us baby making machines!

KazDub

I'd imagine that your impression of child birth is from watching it being portrayed on TV and in films. I was exactly the same as you, had the same conversations with my then-boyfriend / now-husband and told him that if he wanted to be a dad he was with the wrong woman. I'm now the mum to two kids and am so delighted that I changed my mind.
Actually having birth is NOTHING at all like what you've seen so far in TV and films. I get so pissed off now when I see a labour or birth scenes, having gone through the real thing twice. Don't these idiots realise how traumatising it is for women to see? Through their editing and artistic licence they make it all out to be like someone's about to die, rather than actually spend the time to even attempt to portray an average, every-day birth experience. Unless you've already given birth to a couple of children the process of labour isn't that fast and urgent. You don't go in to labour and have the baby 5 minutes later. You don't scream blue murder for the entire hospital to hear (though they won't really stop you if you want to!). Don't get me wrong, it's not a walk in the park, but unless you go and talk to women about their birth experiences then you won't understand the process. Don't go looking up birth stories online. Most women who post them do so because of something that went wrong, or that they aren't happy about or because they had a 14 pound baby that came out feet first and are just dying to tell everyone how they got through it drug free and deserve an award. Most women have manageble births and have better things to do than rush off to write it up online. They get on with enjoying the amazing life that being a mum is.
A C-Section is not an 'easy' option. A C-Section is actually quite a major surgery. OK, not open heart 'major' surgery, but it's serious enough. On my last pregnancy I was told twice that I'd have to have one, once in a 'ten minutes and we're in theatre for your emergency C-section' type of way. Believe me, I found that thought WAY more scarey than naturally giving birth and I used to be a 'knock me out, cut it out and wake me up when it's all over' kind of person. My first birth was a drug riddled induction, my second was completely drug free. The one I'd hate to repeat was the first. The pain was more intense in the second but it was over quicker, I recovered quicker and I was back to myself again very quickly.
All I can suggest to you is that if you are reconsidering your thoughts about never having a child, then go and talk to mothers. Ask them what their pregnancy, labour and birth were like. Only when you know the reality of childbirth can you then make up you're mind. Even then, remember that your labour and birth are maybe a total sum of only 24 hours of your life. After that you get to be a mum forever.
It really is fantastic.
Best of luck and sorry for the long waffle.

Oryx

Sometimes, the fear of something is worse than the thing itself. Im sure youve had things in your past that you tied yourself in knots worrying about, and when the day came you got through it regardless. Giving birth would be like that. There is a reason why women can do this, and dont do it just once. Its because its ok, its possible. And even though it is your job alone to give birth to your baby, you are not alone in the process. The assistance you get from the maternity staff is second to none.

But at this stage, its pointless to fixate on one day out of your whole life. Go back to your thoughts on having a child (its only a baby a short while!). Give that bigger picture more thought, rather than scaring yourself on something that is but a tiny part of parenting.

Morag

Many women have very wonderful positive experiences of a normal birth.
If you are that freaked out then go talk to a professional.

Neyite

As you can probably see from my sig, I'm racing towards the finish line on my first.

Like another poster says, any mother in my family have dismissed the way they roar and scream on telly as nonsense. My mother said it was like being constipated and trying to go to the loo - hard, but not overly painful.

I believe that my body is designed for this, and given the time, will do the work with a bit of effort. I have heard that the actual birth is more like feeling pressure, whereas the contractions part of it was painful.

The truth is that none of us know what it will be like. Even with the same woman, every pregnancy and labour is different. There is nothing wrong with you taking all the pain relief they have to offer if it gives you a calmer approach to it. I am sure that if you really dug your heels in, you would get a C-section due to your fears, but what I would say is to talk to midwives, friends and family who have had both C-sections and vaginal deliverys and make a balanced choice.

C-sections are pretty intensive surgeries, and recovery is long (cant drive or lift anything heavier than a kettle for 6 weeks) so do your homework on that too.

Squiggler

Having confidence in yourself and your body is very important and will make it so much easier. The contractions aren't as painful as bad period pain and the pain only lasts for a few seconds and then fades. Breathing slowly through them and relaxing as much as possible makes them easier to deal with and you can rest between them.

There are relaxation techniques you can use in the run-up (or even before conception) and courses you can do to help you to understand what your body will be doing, and how you can help it rather than hinder it, during the birth process. The human body is an incredible thing, your body knows exactly what to do, you just need to let it get on with it.

Fear and stress will cause release of adrenalin, will channel oxygen and blood away from your uterus and will make it more difficult and more painful so I would definitely advise exploring ways to overcome your fear.

sunnyside

Last night I watched "one born every minute" and I think it gave a very realistic view of childbirth. Channel4 9pm on Wednesday. Recommended viewing for OP

I am a friend

I had a section and would never look back. I knew when I was going in and the whole thing was so calm. The nurses / surgeon etc were chatting and it was all so civilised. It's not for everyone but I would definitely do it again no bother. I was up and showered early the next morning and never looked back and loved the 4 days in hospital with baba.

Obviously people have horror stories with regard sections but the pale into insignificance on the vaginal delivery stories I have heard.

Nothing about vaginal labour appeals to me either and I know each to their own. I think if you go private you have more sway over your options when it comes down to it and given your fear an elective section should be a runner in your case.

There are ways around your fear and don't let anyone sway you either way.

Killed By Death

OP, I never wanted kids for years but I recently got pregnant and it was unplanned. I could never understand how women would calmly volunteer themselves for vaginal birth either and was adament I would be having a C-Section.

But then I looked at some C-Section operations and some vaginal births and changed my mind. Birth is a lottery of luck really and all you can do is educate yourself and prepare as best you can.

I never thought I would change my mind but I must agree with the poster who said watch 'One born every minute' as it is really realistic and educational. Some births go great and some need plently of medical intervention. There are loads of options.

I wan't the option of holding my baby as soon as she is born and sometimes that's not possible with c-section as your arms have drips and things in them and you have to be closed up after the op.

Anyway, hope you have a good experience whatever you decide to do when the time comes.

LegacyUser

I'm 29 and petrified of giving birth.
I mean absolutely petrified. I always have been. And I realise that it's because of what I've seen on TV and how I've heard it described. To an extent I recognise that it's also because of how I've blown it up in my own head too.
I'm married, not pregnant, but kids will be on the horizon alright.And I've absolutely no idea how I'll cope in there.
A close relative recently started midwifery and she's already told me things that well....make me a bit happier in a way. She's not long into it, but she can already see that yes, some people panic initially when labour pains start, but after a point, your body just lets nature take over. It knows what it's supposed to do and it does it. Whether you take drugs or not is your own business, but the baby is coming no matter what and nature (and your body) knows it.
That makes me feel a bit better somehow - I'm not sure why.
Still petrified mind you, but OP, believe me you are absolutely and definitely not the only one. And a good friend of mine has recently given birth - by the time you give birth you should have spent plenty of time at pre-natal courses and with the midwife, so you're not going in there completely clueless.
And you've a while yet to think about that OP. But if it helps...you are most definitely not alone.

deisemum

Don't believe all the horror stories you hear from some mothers, it's like a competition with them to see who can brag about having the worst birthing experiences. Some just want to frighten first time mums-to-be.

One thing I've noticed is that those who paint the worst stories are usually the ones that go on and have big families. If their birth experiences were as horrific as they claim well I'm sorry but I don't believe you'd go on and have several more children. They're often the ones that are competitive on all aspects of parenting too.

I was bricking it when I was pregnant with my first sprog and was going straight for TENS and then epidural on my birth plan but in the end I didn't have any pain relief of any kind, it wasn't by choice but it was bearable and the feeling of pride in my body for doing as nature intended and the pride in myself for having coped for hours on my own until I had help at the end when I was pushing and it was too late for pain relief. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected.

Portrayal of childbirth on tv and in films is generally dramatic with lots of shouting and screaming and panic, much different from reality.

KKkitty

OP talk to your partner first. Having kids is scary but I have 2 boys and even though giving birth is painful you'll be surprised at how well your body copes with it. Don't be afraid. It will be ok.