partener wants an open relationship

apolo11

My GF and I live together, for over 4 years, she had an infatuation with someone who did not want her in the end, says she would have died for her but other one just wanted to be friends, she slept with someone else as well while on holidays- she sys she loves me and that i am partner matterial but that she wants to be free to meet other people 'make new friends' and that if i love her I';; let her be free and then maybe she will choose be. She has a date for sunday even though she does not call it a date she says i am paronoid she just wants to make new L. friends.

readinng this back i sound pathetic but as they say I do love her very much

jay phelan

Honestly it sounds like she has you hanging in there in case she doesn't meet anyone else. I think in this case you should get out and meet new people yourself and in time you will meet someone else who fully appreciates you. I don't think this girl wants to commit any time soon so why don't you get out there It will be tough especially with feelings but it's better than looking back in years and regret loosing them to someone who doesn't feel the same way.

floggg

From my understanding it's only an open relationship where there is consent, clear boundaries and mutual acceptance.

Otherwise it's just cheating.

Open relationships aren't necessarily a bad thing. However they aren't for everybody.

If its not something you are comfortable with you shouldn't be forced into it. Your gf should respect you enough not to try and force you into accepting you are clearly uncomfortable with.

I think you should both have an open and honest conversation about what you may or may not be comfortable with, what your girlfriends needs and desires are and then see if there is any middle ground.

If there isn't though, I don't think you giving in just for the sake of keeping your gf happy will do you any favours in the long run.

Beruthiel

apolo11

What do YOU want?

she wants to be free to meet other people 'make new friends' and that if i love her I';; let her be free

I call bullsh!t on that one.

Yes, you love her, but, if you do not like the idea of this open relationship and she is going ahead and having one anyway, then it is her who does not love or care enough about you to stop.

So, you have two options.
Shut up and put up and be miserable if you are not happy.
Or,
leave.

Moon Indigo

It plain to me you love this girl but it really sounds like she is seeking some utopia and wants to be free and is basicly just stringing you along. You so deserve better than someone who says you are 'partner material' but what you aren't good enough or exiting enough? Seriously if she wants an open relationship that has to be a two way street and you both have to want it. I think before that step is taken you have a solid base to start from. It dosent sound like you both want this equally and that I feel will only lead to massive hurt.

If she wants to be free she could at least give you the respect to set you free and not string you along. You really need to stop and think if this is what you want from a relationship? Surely you want and I know you deserve more. It may hurt but I would think strongly about leaving this relationship. Let her be free to have all the new 'friends' she wants but remember two can play that game. Best of luck.

Gingernuts31

If she really does love you she wouldn't even consider an open relationship. I feel a relationship is between 2 people and thats it. As said previously if she wants to get out and meet new people by all means but don't string you along in case nothing comes from it. It really does sound like she is just keeping you onside and she doesn't feel the same way about you as you feel about her.

Telling you "if you love her you will let her be free" is not fair play. It's putting the onus on you that if you don't let her do it its your fault you broke up. Thats petty in my book and the advise is get out of it. Don't get strung along like a kitten with a ball of string. I was in a similar situation before too where I was chasing after this girl but she didn't want me as a boyfriend but she kept coming onto me and then cooling off just so id hang around. In the end I told her to forget it and didn't ever see her again and I feel much better for it.

Trust me it isn't worth the longterm heartbreak.At least if you end it now you will feel much better for it after a couple of days or a week. Sometimes you have to follow your head and not your heart and vice a versa

Good luck. Let us know how you get on please?

apolo11

thanks to everyone for replies, Id probably write the same things to others it so hard to see your own situation- just some further info, we live together in our house so leaving is difficult we are in our late 40's. I do feel she wants her freedom but also her security - I do feel she loves me and at the same time i feel she wants to have it all her way, she works in the creative arts and sometimes there can be a lot of me me me in that world , ( no offense ment to all creative poeople, i am one too) I know about put up or shut up i've been doing that for last year, like so many others i've been around the block and really believe that love is ongoing work...

Beruthiel

apolo11 wrote: »

I know about put up or shut up i've been doing that for last year, like so many others i've been around the block and really believe that love is ongoing work...

Well, I'm in the same age bracket as yourself apolo and I do indeed agree with you that love in a long term relationship is ongoing work. Which is fine, if both partners are on the same page and working together for the good of themselves and the good of their partner.
Not only are ye on different pages, but different books, possibly different library's!
She's happy.
You're unhappy or you wouldn't be posting here.
You count too you know and she's not prepared to acknowledge that.
She's being extremely selfish imo and you don't need to put up with that.

As for living in the same house, bricks and mortar apolo.
You've got one life to live, it should be as happy as you can possibly make it.

Babybuff

I was on the receiving end of one half of an open relationship, initially she wasn't honest about the fact that she was still involved with her partner but everyone knew she had been with her gf for a long time and they still lived together.
I never felt like she wanted to be away from her although she swore it was over but on our first "date" her gf turned up and I was introduced to her, which was weird and then they had some sort of argument and she ended up leaving early to "comfort" her.

In reality I knew it was over in her head but she didn't want to hurt her gf. I felt sorry for her, she appeared trapped in a situation she couldn't get out of and while I remained friends with her I wasn't prepared to get involved with what was going on between them. and left them to it.
She would still swear to me that they are not a couple any more but they do pretty much everything together (although they no longer live together) and there's no way I would want to be with anyone if I felt I needed her ex's blessing everytime we met.

Aurongroove

Explain to her that her idea of her relationship with you is twisted,
and that it's either you as partner + other lesbian friends , or other lesbian partners + out on her arse.

in your opinion, do you feel she's using her status as lesbian as an excuse for wanting to have an open relationship? (i.e. having her cake and eat it)

floggg

Aurongroove wrote: »

Explain to her that her idea of her relationship with you is twisted,

The idea of an open relationship is in no way "twisted". They are fine and healthy for many couples provided both are on the same page and there are pre-agreed boundaries.

However what is wrong is the lack of respect your partner seems to be showing you and her apparent ignorance of your feelings of the issues.

It doesn't make for a healthy foundation for a relationship, whether open or closed.

Aurongroove

sorry floggg, yes.
What I meant was that her idea of a relationship was twisted in definition to how you want the relationship.

not that mutual open relationships are twisted.

BattleCorp

I'm not a fan of open relationships myself but I won't knock them either as they can work for some people.

Obviously you aren't happy with this open relationship idea or else you wouldn't be posting here.

If you aren't totally relaxed and happy about what your partner is looking for, then it won't work.

And if your partner knows about your concerns, then they aren't showing you much love or respect by forging ahead with the date with the other person.

Sorry to say but it sounds like this relationship has run its course.

Babybuff

BattleCorp wrote: »

Sorry to say but it sounds like this relationship has run its course.

I wouldn't necessarily say that. I kind of agree that relationships require hardwork and good communication, sometimes for whatever reason something happens and things fall apart but that's not to say that if the will is there it can't be mended and that relationship can grow even stronger.
In the situation I was involved in there were other elements at play and I think she was scared of what she was missing out on and needed to find out before it was too late but I always felt she would find her way back to her gf at the end of the day. I still think she will.

PK72

apolo11 wrote: »

My GF and I live together, for over 4 years, she had an infatuation with someone who did not want her in the end, says she would have died for her but other one just wanted to be friends, she slept with someone else as well while on holidays- she sys she loves me and that i am partner matterial but that she wants to be free to meet other people 'make new friends' and that if i love her I';; let her be free and then maybe she will choose be. She has a date for sunday even though she does not call it a date she says i am paronoid she just wants to make new L. friends.

readinng this back i sound pathetic but as they say I do love her very much

I'd give her all the freedom she wants - goodbye and good luck! You may love her but you should love yourself even more.

In my view, she's using you as a crutch or insurance, until someone more suitable comes along. Open relationships, as I understand them, mean no-strings sex with other people, not dates. If you're a couple, then you make new friends together. I wouldn't tolerate this nonsense for a minute.

PK72

Babybuff wrote: »

I wouldn't necessarily say that. I kind of agree that relationships require hardwork and good communication, sometimes for whatever reason something happens and things fall apart but that's not to say that if the will is there it can't be mended and that relationship can grow even stronger.
In the situation I was involved in there were other elements at play and I think she was scared of what she was missing out on and needed to find out before it was too late but I always felt she would find her way back to her gf at the end of the day. I still think she will.

A relationship should not be continuous hard work. If you're in love with a person and they're indicating that they want to see other people, you're not going to have much peace of mind. If she needs space to explore then let her have it - but I certainly wouldn't be hanging around waiting. On or off, in or out - halfway houses don't work in relationships - at least not for both parties.

Babybuff

PK72 wrote: »

A relationship should not be continuous hard work. If you're in love with a person and they're indicating that they want to see other people, you're not going to have much peace of mind. If she needs space to explore then let her have it - but I certainly wouldn't be hanging around waiting. On or off, in or out - halfway houses don't work in relationships - at least not for both parties.

I wouldn't exactly support the idea of one person being strung along either, I've had this discussion a lot but it appeared that the ex wasn't willing to let her go, they were together a long time and if nothing else was left romantically they had remained best friends. I think the fact they could talk to each other about as much shows that there was at least some respect left and being able to confide in your oh about how you feel rather than just having a quick fling with someone says a lot about their relationship with each other.

I think each case is individual, I know in the situation I'm familiar with there were a lot of reasons why there might have been a breakdown in the relationship and yeah while I agree if someone needs space then take time apart and do your own thing, it doesn't mean to say that they wouldn't eventually find a way to rebuild their relationship together at some point down the line.

apolo11

Hi again all and thanks again for the replies which seem to have a welcome tone of dont be a fool..
Last night had the chat in a calm way, after thinking long and hard about what i want and what i need , I said that i did not want an open relationship that they were not for me at this time in my life, and that if that is what she wants she cant have me as well, that as long as we live together thats the way it has to be and that she has choices to make and to live with and so have I. While i do love her very much this is not for me while this will involve pain it is a short sharp pain ( i hope) rather than a long dragged out one. I've told her to think about it but that I am completly determined about this. Honestly I dont know if this is a bump in the road or the begining of the end . I have given her till saturday to decide, she was a little taken back and rushed to tell me how she feels for me but i sysed strong and said sturday is the make your mind up time, interwestinlly last night had one of best chats for a very long time so wait and see...

Beruthiel

Well done apolo.
I hope it works out for you.

Aurongroove

I hope it works out well and remember whichever way it goes it's definitely a positive step.

JH_raheny

Well done, I'm in an open relationship myself and it works fine but it is not for everyone and it HAS to work for both, don't know it is easier for men than woman or if age difference means something too

Babybuff

JH_raheny wrote: »

Well done, I'm in an open relationship myself and it works fine but it is not for everyone and it HAS to work for both, don't know it is easier for men than woman or if age difference means something too

don't want to detract from the op's pi but do you mean couples who are older are more inclined to open relationships or, do you mean in relationships where there is a significant age difference between partners? I know of two couples who have open relationships and it's the latter in both cases, there's at least 15 years between partners.

JH_raheny

Babybuff wrote: »

don't want to detract from the op's pi but do you mean couples who are older are more inclined to open relationships or, do you mean in relationships where there is a significant age difference between partners? I know of two couples who have open relationships and it's the latter in both cases, there's at least 15 years between partners.

bit of both really, I think the more mature you are the better you will be able to handle an open relationship, also the longer you have been together the more you trust each other so jealousy isn't an issue, all people that I know that are in an open relationship are all over 35 but mostly even older and have been together at least 8/10 years, trust and love is what makes a successful open relationship work

apolo11

just an update , at her request we have decided to work on things, not agreed to open relatuinship, hoping for the best but prepared for the worst, thanks to you all for comments........

Aurongroove

good luck apolo.:)