Am I being selfish? What would you do?

Starman1.0

Hi all,

Have something on my mind recently and was wondering if I could get some advice here.

My wife (36) and I (34) met in college and have been together nearly 20 years, we've been married for just over 6 years. She has always been a little bit reluctant to engage in the more sexual side of our relationship (we were each others first and it took a year for that to happen).

In Feb 2010 we found out she was pregnant (to our great great delight) and when we found out she initiated a "no sexual contact" regime for the pregnancy, which I was fine with. About 8 weeks after our beautiful daughter was born we had sex again (booked a night away in a hotel, for which we stayed about 3 hours). In the 15 months since our daughter was born my wife and I have had sex 8 times in total and it's becoming more and more difficult to initiate anything with her due to a complete lack of interest on her part. (When I say we've had sex 8 times that has been the limit of our sexual relationship, there has been no kissing sessions, no other sexual activity whatsoever. For total transparency of the situation I had two operations late last year on my stomach so that put the kibosh on about 12 weeks in total for which she loked after our daughter full time.

Now I know that she was tired for her maternity leave looking after our baby, and I get that now she's back in work (3 day week) she's working very hard but in a way I feel that I do a lot with our daughter too, I've rearranged my working hours so I can collect her from creche on a Monday , Tuesday & Wednesday ...it means I have to get up at 5.30am each morning but it's well well worth it.

The last time we had sex (or any sexual contact) was late October and before that it was early August. I've booked a night away in a hotel for us in March but obviously I don't want to have to book a night away in a hotel each time we want to sleep with each other!

I feel that we're losing that side of our relationship, and while I don't doubt her love as I know she loves me so much (and I am totally head over heels about her) I kind of feel that we're at a dead end where we'll end up with sex once every six weeks , which for me is just mad and not anywhere near what I think we need.

So what's the general opinion out there in internet world? What would you do if it were you in my shoes, am I missing something about my wife that I shouldn't be? What advice would you give me? Any advice is much much appreciated.

I am a friend

Have you spoken to her about it? What is she saying?

Starman1.0

I am a friend wrote: »

Have you spoken to her about it? What is she saying?

Yep, spoke with her about it and she got quite upset saying that I was being very selfish and not considering her feelings. I was very gentle in my approach, no pointing fingers, no blame game, nothing like that, I just opened it up for a discussion but it was shut down very very quickly and she doesn't want to talk about it again.

Uriel.

How is she generally?

Is it more than just a lack of interest in intimacy?

Could she be suffering post natal depression. She may have issues with her body following giving birth.

What are other parts lf your relationship like at the moment. Really you need to sit down and talk to her again in a careful and considered manner. It is not fair of her to respond to you the way she did when you first tried to discuss the issue but there may be some underlying issues that reflect her state of mind.

You are in the best position to know if there have been any significant changes in her manner in recent times. After all, you have been togethet for almost 20 years.

Dont give her any ultimatums though. That is likely to make things worse. But you need to work through this together. However you do need to br clear with her that you will support her with any issues but that she must consider your feelings.

You (both) or separately may need to look at some councilling butvitbis too early to determine that just yet and would advise against introducing that subject into the conversation at this stage

Starokan

I think its telling that she said you are not considering her feelings. To me that would indicate there is an issue you are unaware of. Obviously you need to find out what these feelings are about, also you need to give her time and lots of it.

Remember too, that while having sex 8 times in a year is not a lot to you, it may be a massive amount to her if its something she has issues about.

Some people are just not interested in sex, its not necessarily a hidden issue, it may be just a facet of life they are not interested in. Given you are your wife's only sexual partner this may be something she is only beginning to realise and possibly does not know how to tell you. That is just one scenario there are many others.

For you don't take this as personal rejection or anything, try and get her to tell you what is the problem, let her know your not judging her or anything and that you are happy to go along with what she wants. It may be the possibility that you will reject her that is preventing her from telling you the truth. If it turns out that she is not interested in a sex life well then you yourself have a lot of thinking to do. Hopefully that is not the case and that you can sort it out.

Perhaps you are too focused on sex without knowing it, try initially just instilling some affection into the relationship. Hug, Cuddle up together, hold hands , small simple intimate actions except do not try to initiate sex during these times. Affection in general is just as important as sex and it loses its value or its significance if every intimate gesture is a prelude to sex itself as it implies conditions to affection.

Perhaps if you try an approach like this for a few months, then revisit the issue and maybe she will be more open to talk. Somewhere down the line visiting a trained couples counsellor might also be a good option as this would be a common enough scenario for them.

Daisy M

How important is sex to you in your relationship? Can you see yourself been happy if it continues along the same way it has been for the last few years?

A lot of mums with small kids are permanently tired and when they go to bed its to sleep and nothing else. However it sounds to me as if your compatability sex wise is completely different. I am sorry to say this but it sounds as if she used pregnancy to avoid sex. If it were a case of her been worried about endangering the pregnancy she could have suggested alternatives rather than a complete veto. I do think sex is an important part of any relationship and in my opinion even more so for parents whos relationship can often get a bit lost in family life. Sex can be a way of keeping you close but not if one party is pressured into it then it has the possibility to drive you apart.

It sounds as if your wife has some kind of hang up about sex maybe she is not comfortable with her body and holds back or maybe she thinks experimenting and trying out new things is wrong. I think its important you talk to her and try and get to the bottom before it becomes a major problem.

I am a friend

Was it any better before you were married (for the 14 years)?

LegacyUser

There can be a multitude of reasons why she is not that interested in sex. The best course of action imo is to go along with Starokan mentioned. Try removing sex from the intimacy by itself. Hug her, cuddle her, kiss her, hey give her a body massage when the baby is asleep. These physical acts will help rebuild emotional intimacy. Than maybe she can open up more about her feelings.

Pardon me, if I am too blunt, I am not sure how things are in the bedroom. Since you are her first and only sexual partner spice things up a bit and change the routine. Take your baby to their grandparents, aunts or uncles for the weekend and surprise your wife with a candlelight dinner at home. Initiate some romance, have date nights. These do not need to end in sexual encounters but can add to the mood. If you are just doing the deed at the hotel that is what may be turning her off. Make sex an enjoyable intimate experience not a chore.

Good luck