Who should pay on dates?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I know this comes up a lot so I'll keep it short.

I posted last week about going out on a few dates lately and notice different patterns with paying for things.

I'm probably traditional in that I'd like to pay for things on the first few dates as it's the way I was brought up and think it's sets a good impression.

In my last relationship however it never really transitioned and for over a year I was paying for everything. I don't know why but that bothers me a little. I like to be a gentleman and treat a girl and offer to pay for most things but over a year if a girl never offers to buy a round or split a taxi I find it a bit odd.

So with me it's sometimes more about the offer... i.e. does she offer to pay or does she sit on her hands when the cheque arrives.

So the experience I had was this:
One girl pretty much sat on her hands and didn't acknowledge it. Again it was a first and second date so I don't like to read too much into it but am not sure if she is just playing the role of seeing if I will pick it up or if thats a sign I'll be paying for everything through any sort of relationship.

The second girl I was a little more impressed with. We grabbed a bite to eat and when I went for the cheque she offered to split it but I sad no problem, I'll take care of it. The 2nd time we got a few drinks. I went ahead and got the first 2 rounds and she took it upon herself to go to the bar and buy me another saying "hey it was my round".

So it might seem silly but I was more impressed with girl 2. As I said, I am the sort that WOULD go ahead and pick up a cheque but sometimes it's a nice gesture when a girl motions or offers a round herself. At the same time I've been told that in the case of girl 2, that it's more of a sign she sees things more as friends as she doesn't want me to pay for a "date".

To be honest I've no idea. Do girls analyse this stuff or am I just being fed a load of crap? I don't know really. Any ideas?

Beruthiel

datingquestions wrote: »

I like to be a gentleman and treat a girl and offer to pay for most things

That's very nice of you, but this isn't the 1800's.
Back then, women were not allowed to be equal to men and depended on them to exist.
This is 2012 and women have fought long and hard for their equality, and now, for the most part, have gotten it in western culture.

It makes my blood boil to see any female in this day and age treat a man like their own personal bank account.
And sorry OP, but more fool you for putting up with that for a full year, you were taken for a ride. Used. Taken advantage of.

Any women with a jot of self respect knows that she is responsible for herself and her spending.
A man should no longer feel obliged to fork out on a regular basis.
I have engrained this in my own daughter.

IMO, a woman who would allow a man to fork out for her all the time has no self respect. Has no pride. Has no character and lacks ethics.

ash23

Personally I would be embarrassed to let a guy pay for everything or even nearly everything.
I don't date much but when I do, I usually let him get the first round of drinks and then I get the second. If we go to the cinema I let him get the tickets and I'll get the popcorn and drinks.
I don't sit there with a calculator working out exactly what I owe but I'd never allow someone to pay for everything for me.
I'm an adult, I earn my money so I know it's worth and how hard it is to come by so no way would I let a guy blow his cash on me.
I'd imagine any woman worth her salt wouldn't scrounge off a guy and if I were male, I'd think any woman who let me pick up the tab for the night was a leech and I wouldn't want to see her again.

beks101

Personally I'd find even the thought of having some guy pay my way for a year mortifying and think that should have been a serious red flag from the start OP. If a girl isn't willing to meet you halfway, it's going to work out to be a very expensive relationship most probably with a girl who has an inflated sense of self-entitlement. Daddy's Little Princess syndrome springs to mind tbh.

I've had various experiences of this on the other side as a female. I'd always, always offer to split the bill on a first date, lots of guys will insist on paying the full thing which I always find sweet and endearing, but I'd never go into the date expecting it. Usually the way it works for me is we'll get into rounds, first date or not, or if it's dinner, cinema etc, he'll pay, then I'll get the next one or get drinks later etc

I think you need to shake this idea that you should be picking up all the bills as it just leaves you susceptible to more freeloaders like your ex who won't think twice about burning holes in your wallet every time you go anywhere together. It makes for a one-sided, unequal relationship and why should it be an expensive relationship for you and not her?

And I wouldn't heed this 'if she offers to pay, you're in the friendzone' crap. What about common decency and self-respect? I've gone halfsies with most of the men I've dated who I've fancied the aRse off, mainly because that's what I'm comfortable doing but also because I want to make a good impression too, I think most self-respecting girls with a genuine interest in someone would at least make that offer.

blatantrereg

I respect girls a lot more when they contribute fairly and dont make a big deal about doing so.

It's always a good idea to play down how much money you might have. It's always a bad idea to indulge in "flashing the cash".
There are plenty of gold diggers and social climbers out there. There are plenty of respectable women too. It can be hard to tell them apart though.
There's really no benefit in showing off - you just attract the wrong kinds. You might also repulse decent types if you do it overtly. You'll just appear vulgar.

I think when its a first date, if you feel like paying THIS TIME you should, however the girl should at least offer. After that it should ideally be a level playing field.

Im not saying the two of you take out a pen and paper and calculate the even split all the time, but there definitely should be a middle ground when it comes to paying. Its lovely that there are still gentlemen like you around, sure every girl wants one of them! but its unfair for girls to totally take advantage like that.

Its ironic that the girls i know that sprout a lot of feminist bull**** are the ones who dont mind the fella paying for everything

Keela11

Halving it is always the best way to go unless there are any other factors, imo. With my ex we halved it on the first date but after that he paid (well, mainly. I offered on the next few dates and paid once or twice) because I'm a student and not working while he worked full time and didn't pay rent at home. Even with that it sometimes annoyed me , nobody likes to feel like their relying on someone else's money.

That being said, my roommates would all be much more into the guy paying. Personally, if someone hadn't offered to split the bill on the first few dates (i feel like it might be acceptable on the 1st if you were awkward or shy) I'd be very unimpressed.

uck51js9zml2yt

fiestywonder wrote: »

I think when its a first date, if you feel like paying THIS TIME you should, however the girl should at least offer. After that it should ideally be a level playing field.

Im not saying the two of you take out a pen and paper and calculate the even split all the time, but there definitely should be a middle ground when it comes to paying. Its lovely that there are still gentlemen like you around, sure every girl wants one of them! but its unfair for girls to totally take advantage like that.

Its ironic that the girls i know that sprout a lot of feminist bull**** are the ones who dont mind the fella paying for everything

I was with a girl years ago who expected me to foot every bill. Her sister expected me to fund it out of savings.
Needless to say it didn't last long after I asked her to split a bill.:)

ongarboy

I don't think there is any hard and fast rule. If the guy insists on paying, that is his prerogative but the decent thing would be the girl offering to contribute also (or even insisting after multiple dates). A date who conveniently never offers to contribute implies character traits that other posters here have already listed and would be a major turnoff in my opinion.

My sister lived in the States for a while where the whole notion of the guys paying for everything is even more enforced and accepted. She had female friends who didn't put their hands in their purses all night and enjoyed getting the free drinks no matter how irritating the guys who bought the drinks/chatted them up were. She couldn't identify with that fake scene at all and found herself a good Irish man;)

curlzy

Hey OP,

Whoever asks the other person out for the first date pays, after that everything is halved. That's the way I do it. I've never let a guy pay the full bill for more than the first date, sure I make more money than most guys So yeah any girl that "sits on her hands" isn't with you because she loves your company IMO.

Best of luck.

bodyandsoul

My man would say " Keep your money for your shoes" if I'm trying to pay as he knows the amount of money girls like spend on maintaining our appearance.

Personally, I believe that both should pay. I have been dating my guy for nearly two months now, He pays for most of our dates. He doesn't let me to pay but sometimes I sneak my card in before he gets a chance and he'll let me. He is very traditional about the guy always paying. However, this doesn't seem right with me, I will usually insist on paying, like I pay for movie if he paid for dinner. If I'm the one doing the inviting, then I should be treating him.

It depends where couple are in the relationship but I would say that the longer a couple has been together, the more equally it should be split.

bodyandsoul

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Whoever asks the other person out for the first date pays, after that everything is halved. That's the way I do it. I've never let a guy pay the full bill for more than the first date, sure I make more money than most guys So yeah any girl that "sits on her hands" isn't with you because she loves your company IMO.

Best of luck.

I like your sense of humour, sure after this post, if you are single then you will be asked out by lots of guys:-).

I agree, The girl shouldn't sit on her hands when the bill arrives.

Beruthiel

bodyandsoul wrote: »

He is very traditional about the guy always paying.

Traditional?
What does that even mean?
I've been on this planet for some time now and I had no idea that there was still traditional things to do while dating.

The Lovely Muffin

When my boyfriend and I go out together we usually split the bill or if one of us doesn't have cash and needs to pay by card they'll pay by card and I'll give him the money for my share of the bill or vice versa.

Other times he'll pay for lunch/dinner etc and then the next time we go out, I'll pay for it.

I would never, ever expected a guy to pay for everything all the time. And if a guy was insisting on paying for everything all the time I'd personally find it off putting. I like to pay my way.

And if a guy was expecting me to pay for everything all the time, then I'd give him the door.

TheChevron

Some men like paying.
Some women like to get things paid for.
Its each persons personal choice and if its not an issue between a couple then we shouldn't judge them.

The OP wasn't the type who likes to pay for everything, hence the thread. I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship like that either, but I'm not going judge.

The Corinthian

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less." - Brendan Behan

On a more serious note however, on the first date I will pay. If it's dinner and drinks, I'll insist on paying the former and will presume that I shall pay the latter. If it's just drinks, I'll presume I'm going to get every round.

However, if after dinner she does not offer to pay for drinks or if she continues to sit on her hands round after round, then naturally this will not leave a very good impression. However, if I got on well with her or otherwise think her worth another roll of the dice, I will ask her out again.

On the second date, I will not presume that I am paying for everything. I will still do so even if she sits on her hands again, but if so I will also shorten the date and she will never hear from me again.

Needless to say, offers to go Dutch, pay for drinks after dinner or even gifts (I got a really thoughtful - and not inexpensive - one on a second date once) will all go towards building up a good impression for me.

Dates are about two people getting to know each other to see if they are good for each other in the longer term. And if the price of knowing who the person you're with is the price of two dinners and a few drinks, then count yourself lucky; it's a lot cheaper than alimony - because if she feels entitled to be 'kept' when dating, what do you think she'll feel entitled to if you ever married?

bodyandsoul

Beruthiel wrote: »

Traditional?
What does that even mean?
I've been on this planet for some time now and I had no idea that there was still traditional things to do while dating.

As the OP said He is probably traditional in that he likes to pay for things.

Traditionally, men paid for dates because women often didn't work and din't have their own money. Men were the primary income earners .That's changed over the years, when woman began working, it became the "chivalry" thing when the guy pay for dates if he wants too. There are still guys like OP who prefers a more traditional approach for the first few dates.

LegacyUser

Well it depends who is asking. If I asked a guy out I will offer to pay or if the guy asks me out he would pay. Dates should not be expensive. I actually do not like dinner dates or rounds at a pub. It's not for me. One of the best dates I had was ice skating. We had a blast and it did not break our wallets or a*rses. Dating is about getting to know each other not worrying or expecting who is going to pick up the tab.

If the OP is traditional that is his choice. I was raised in a very traditional home where the men pay for everything. I would personally never expect a guy to do that for me. If my brothers or father want to take me out, fine they can go pay. But if I dated a guy that insisted on paying all the time would freak me out. From my personal experience these guys turned out to be controlling pr!cks.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

So when I said traditional, I mean I just like to be a gentleman. To be honest, I'd be a little embarrassed to let a girl pay for everything on the first few dates, if she insists on halving then thats nice but I'd be inclined to go ahead and buy the cinema tickets or order the first few drinks. I don't mean it as any sort of put down or in a negative way to women.

The thing with my ex really was that I did that from the start and she just never really offered to pay anything. After a while dating I asked if it was ok if we could split dinner more often as I'd like to go out more often but it's sometimes difficult if I pay for everything. She did pay half for dinner after that but still never any drinks, or taxis or anything... I just found it embarrassing to have to ask and when I said dinner it was more of a hint to split things more, I didn't want to make an itemised list of things.

To be honest in a "dating" phase I'd be inclined to be the first to go for a bill. If a girl simply offers or motions to pay herself it at least impresses me but I don't expect it, depends on the situations.

However once you're in "relationship" mode I'd think it more normal for things to level out. Thats what bothers me in the dates I was on. I'd never count the pennies but I think some people here have the same idea. If I get a round, she gets the next. If I buy lunch, she might get the next one, if I buy cinema tickets, she might get some popcorn. At least you feel a little more like she appreciates.

One girl I met up with did things this way but the other didn't. The girl who didn't is really great in other ways but I start to wonder if I took it any further, if this is just the dating phase or if I'd be footing the bill permanently.

NoobSaibot5

I too, would be a lot more inclined to date someone who offered to pay half. It shows from the get go that you're both on equal footing. It's not even a question with me, at the end of the date I'd just say "We're going halfs yeah? Here's mine".

hollypink

The Corinthian wrote: »

On a more serious note however, on the first date I will pay. If it's dinner and drinks, I'll insist on paying the former and will presume that I shall pay the latter. If it's just drinks, I'll presume I'm going to get every round.

I'm genuinely surprised by the above, I'd never remotely expect a man to pay for the entire date, it wouldnt even occur to me not to pay half. On some first dates, the guy has insisted on paying for the lunch/dinner which is a nice gesture but makes me feel a little awkward. I would genuinely not feel any differently about him if he agreed to going dutch, I think I'd prefer it slightly. And as for drinks, I think the 'round' system is so ingrained in me that it would feel unnatural not to pay for alternate rounds.

The Corinthian

hollypink wrote: »

I'm genuinely surprised by the above, I'd never remotely expect a man to pay for the entire date, it wouldnt even occur to me not to pay half.

Sorry, I didn't explain myself properly. I certainly would not expect to pay for the entire date, but I would presume it - that is, I'm not going to ask her to split the bill or demand that she gets the next round or sit on my own hands while an uncomfortable moment, where neither is willing to pay, passes before one cracks. It's up to her to decide if and when and up to me to decide if I'm happy with her choice, but for the choice to be a free and honest one, it cannot be forced.

TBH, in Ireland it is exceedingly rare at this stage to find yourself on a first, or subsequent, date where the woman will not put her hand in her pocket at all.

Unless you date an American.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I think you're correct that as the relationship goes on, things level out. I'm with my guy almost 6 years now and our finances are split down the middle, everything into one pot, everthing out of one pot, I make more than him but I think it's fairest when everything is split equally if you're living together etc. So yeah while I think it's nice for a guy to treat you on the first date anything beyond that would make me very uncomfortable. You sound like a nice guy so just make sure you don't let another girl do that to you, but if you choose your girl well she won't want to anyways

Best of luck.

lace

Hi OP!

I know a lot of women who would expect a man to pay for everything for the first few dates. For some reason it seems to be the "done thing" in many circles. Lots of guys seem to feel obliged to pay for the whole first date and, while it's a nice gesture if it's what they really want to do, a lot of the time they only do it because it's expected.

Personally, I would never expect a guy to pay for everything. If it was a cinema date, for example, and he insisted on paying for tickets I would definitely pay for the sweets and drinks etc. If it was drinks or something and he insisted on paying I'd sneak in a round and pay for the taxi etc.

Once the first date or two are over, I expect everything to be split fairly. I don't mean calculating exact amounts but buying in rounds or paying for every second date is only fair. I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone paying everything for me all the time. I don't have much money, but I can get by without needing someone to pay my way all the time.

With my OH, we generally don't really worry about money too much. We split most things or pay for every second date. It's not carefully divided and neither of us are tight with money but it's certainly not one sided. He treats me sometimes and other times I'll treat him.

amtc

I absolutely hate splitting bills. On a first date he pays...I will buy drinks. On a second date I will pay for dinner...he pays for drinks. After that it's one for one (unless a birthday or you've come into some money!)

LegacyUser

Im my single days I would always pay for first date out....I asked her out so it was my treat.

Second date, typically she would offer to split bill for dinner, but I'd say no and we'd do rounds for drinks then.

After that 50/50 really.

A decent girl will be more than happy to pay for herself, I've always found it quite attractive to be honest.

A girl who expected me to pay for everything would make me feel very uncomfortable.

Mr. Loverman

In my experience the problem with paying for the first few dates is it sets a precedent - you are then expected to pay for them all.

Certainly if the girl was earning a decent enough wage I would expect her to to contribute, especially if she believes in equality.

LegacyUser

oh my god just thinking the same thing so confused about this well. im a women, thirty years old, dating a guy for less than a month, he is 39.

First off all im independent and pay my own way, but I do expect a guy, if they ask me out on a date, and we meet for the first time, they pay for the meal as I old fashioned that way. can't help it the way I was brought up

This is like a test, I will offer to pay but if they except i wouldnt meet them again. but the guy im seeing did pay for the first date so i met again, so next time I payed.

But now im beginning to wonder about him, i hate tight people, to me it's like stealing, and I do like him but im begining to think he is a tight arse, not that im one of these women that are attracted to a man that spend money on you, I just like a genuine decent repectful person.

But the other night we went for dinner and I went to pay he said he would pay half, I said "no I paying for it", thought that was so ****ing sad he's 39 not 20. little things are begining to annoy me, talks about prices and cost etc what the hell? I rather not go at all.

I hate to spend the rest of my life with a miser and tight arse miserable person, that would make me feel like **** and feel not worth it

So a mans advice needed, do you think he is tight? or am i picking things up the wrong way

datingquestions wrote: »

Hi,
I know this comes up a lot so I'll keep it short.

I posted last week about going out on a few dates lately and notice different patterns with paying for things.

I'm probably traditional in that I'd like to pay for things on the first few dates as it's the way I was brought up and think it's sets a good impression.

In my last relationship however it never really transitioned and for over a year I was paying for everything. I don't know why but that bothers me a little. I like to be a gentleman and treat a girl and offer to pay for most things but over a year if a girl never offers to buy a round or split a taxi I find it a bit odd.

So with me it's sometimes more about the offer... i.e. does she offer to pay or does she sit on her hands when the cheque arrives.

So the experience I had was this:
One girl pretty much sat on her hands and didn't acknowledge it. Again it was a first and second date so I don't like to read too much into it but am not sure if she is just playing the role of seeing if I will pick it up or if thats a sign I'll be paying for everything through any sort of relationship.

The second girl I was a little more impressed with. We grabbed a bite to eat and when I went for the cheque she offered to split it but I sad no problem, I'll take care of it. The 2nd time we got a few drinks. I went ahead and got the first 2 rounds and she took it upon herself to go to the bar and buy me another saying "hey it was my round".

So it might seem silly but I was more impressed with girl 2. As I said, I am the sort that WOULD go ahead and pick up a cheque but sometimes it's a nice gesture when a girl motions or offers a round herself. At the same time I've been told that in the case of girl 2, that it's more of a sign she sees things more as friends as she doesn't want me to pay for a "date".

To be honest I've no idea. Do girls analyse this stuff or am I just being fed a load of crap? I don't know really. Any ideas?

Mr. Loverman

kyla 30 wrote: »

oh my god just thinking the same thing so confused about this well. im a women, thirty years old, dating a guy for less than a month, he is 39.

First off all im independent and pay my own way, but I do expect a guy, if they ask me out on a date, and we meet for the first time, they pay for the meal as I old fashioned that way. can't help it the way I was brought up

This is like a test, I will offer to pay but if they except i wouldnt meet them again. but the guy im seeing did pay for the first date so i met again, so next time I payed.

But now im beginning to wonder about him, i hate tight people, to me it's like stealing, and I do like him but im begining to think he is a tight arse, not that im one of these women that are attracted to a man that spend money on you, I just like a genuine decent repectful person.

But the other night we went for dinner and I went to pay he said he would pay half, I said "no I paying for it", thought that was so ****ing sad he's 39 not 20. little things are begining to annoy me, talks about prices and cost etc what the hell? I rather not go at all.

I hate to spend the rest of my life with a miser and tight arse miserable person, that would make me feel like **** and feel not worth it

So a mans advice needed, do you think he is tight? or am i picking things up the wrong way

Do you ever think maybe he is testing you, to see if you are a tight arse, and you are failing the test?

I think you need to re-read your post because you're the one who is coming across as tight.

neuro-praxis

As has been said here, I reckon whoever invited who out, for the first time, should pay, regardless of gender.

After that, if both parties are generous, it should be plain sailing as they fight to treat each other! I reckon people should be conscious of paying fairly and generously but not focused on it.

If it's just take, take, take from one side that's utterly off-putting. Nothing I hate more than stinginess.

dudara

After many years in a long-term relationship, the only things we split are the household costs. When out for dinner, it's approximately every second bill between the two of us. There is no tracking of each bill, it's a rough split. I don't particularly like queueing at the bar, so when it's my round, I'll give him €50 to fund the night, but get him to physically buy the drinks.

I earn my money the hard way, and while I truly appreciate the odd generous gesture or treat, I simply wouldn't be comfortable not paying my way. I pay for what I use (be it car, clothes, meals anything).

CathyMoran

If children come into the mix it becomes more complicated - I have a small amount of my own but most goes to our family and all is spent on us. One thing that I hate is itimizing the bill and splitting it that way. I had one date who forgot his wallet and then preceded to take the tip that I left, though he was too embarased that I was paying so took the money I gave him and payed. Op, it should be evens over time generally.

reprazant

kyla 30 wrote: »

oh my god just thinking the same thing so confused about this well. im a women, thirty years old, dating a guy for less than a month, he is 39.

First off all im independent and pay my own way, but I do expect a guy, if they ask me out on a date, and we meet for the first time, they pay for the meal as I old fashioned that way. can't help it the way I was brought up

This is like a test, I will offer to pay but if they except i wouldnt meet them again. but the guy im seeing did pay for the first date so i met again, so next time I payed.

But now im beginning to wonder about him, i hate tight people, to me it's like stealing, and I do like him but im begining to think he is a tight arse, not that im one of these women that are attracted to a man that spend money on you, I just like a genuine decent repectful person.

But the other night we went for dinner and I went to pay he said he would pay half, I said "no I paying for it", thought that was so ****ing sad he's 39 not 20. little things are begining to annoy me, talks about prices and cost etc what the hell? I rather not go at all.

I hate to spend the rest of my life with a miser and tight arse miserable person, that would make me feel like **** and feel not worth it

So a mans advice needed, do you think he is tight? or am i picking things up the wrong way

So you hate tight people but if your date took you up on your offer of paying towards dinner, you would not meet them again? And then he has the never to offer to pay towards dinner that you said you were paying? And he is tight?

He may be 39 but you must be about 60 as you seem to be living in the 1950's.

LegacyUser

This is kinda strange but I've been on both ends. A few years ago, I went out with the cheapest girl you could possibly imagine. To be fair she didn't earn much and was a student when we went out. But I was a student too, just i worked part time as well. She never paid for anything, even if she had cash. And looking back I'm embarrassed that i ever went out with her. She was just so selfish, but I was too stupid to realise that.

On the other hand, I once went out with a girl who earned loads more than me. I mean feck loads more. i was on minimum wage, she was a doctor. She loved going out to for dinner and stuff. I was so broke i was always trying to avoid it. When we did go out, half the time it was "her treat" and it did feel very emasculating.

Mr. Loverman

I can handle people expecting me to pay, but when they don't show any sign of appreciation (e.g. no "thank you" as if of course the man should be paying) they tend to get added to my ****list.

LegacyUser

Hi folks, OP here again.

Thanks for all the input.

So in this instance, it isn't a case of me being in a long term relationship. I feel a bit foolish for my last relationship. It just started off that way and thought it would transition into her offering more often but she didn't really. It was a good relationship in most other ways so I was overlooking it.

So I had a few more dates with the 2 girls I had met. I've met them both 4 times but I'm not gonna continue to see both.

One girl has not even offered to buy a drink on any of the 4 occassions. The last date was just to meet for lunch which turned in to costing over 90euro. The problem I find is, by even saying that bothers me, makes me sound tight but I don't think I am. It's just that after 4 dates and some of them being meals, movies, drinks, etc... she didn't even offer to buy a round of drinks or a popcorn or something. I know it sounds mean of me but I wasn't so impressed. Even if I pay, just the fact she'd offer is a good gesture to me.

The other girl has impressed me a lot more. On the few times we met, if I picked up dinner or movie tickets, she always offers to pay and offers a thank you if I pick it up and will buy drinks afterwards and insisted in splitting a taxi fare.

I don't mind taking the lead a little in the early stages and I wouldn't dream of asking but if things were to go longer term I know it would bother me to be picking up every cheque without hardly a thank you so I know what I'm doing here.

Thanks for all the advice.

Taltos

OP - we are glad you have come to a resolution on your initial issue. As a result we will close this thread now. If you need it reopened please just contact me or one of the other mods.

Thanks
Taltos