My Friend Cheated

LegacyUser

Was basically out on saturday night with the girls. We were all hammered. My friend ended up kissing this bloke numerous times at the end of the night. The trouble is, she has a boyfriend of 3 years and also lives with him.

Today, one of my other friends was talking to this girl about saturday night. the girl who cheated never mentioned a thing and said she can barely remember the night at all. I'm not sure if I believe this but will take her at her word.

So.. basically, if this friend has forgotten, do you think we should tell her? My friend is dead set against it, saying it will do her no good. However, i'm of the opinion that by not telling her, it takes away her right to potentially come clean to the boyfriend.

I was thinking of just saying that i'm not judging her and it's up to her what she does with the info but I thought she had a right to know what happened. It may stop her from getting so drunk again so as to let something like this happen in the future a second time..

Thoughts?

OS119

whattodowithinfo? wrote: »

...Thoughts?

is it perhaps much more likely that when she volunteered that 'she was so hammered that she couldn't remember anything', she was actually saying 'yes, i'm fully aware of what happened, but i don't want to discuss it - end of subject'?

its not your place to 'remind' her of things you think she needs to discuss with her boyfriend - a) you don't know what the basis of their relationship is - even if you think you do - and b) its none of your business in the first place.

if you don't think your friend is adult enough to act as she's fit, and conduct her relationships as she sees fit, then why are you including her in an adult activity like going out and getting drunk?

tinkerbell

I think you should tell her, she's supposed to be your friend after all.

blatantrereg

I'd tell them. You can tell her in an FYI manner, without getting into anything beyond the facts of what happened.

If I didn't say it to them I think I would feel contempt for them. I'd tell them so they can take responsibility if they want.

If they dont know (or claim not to know) then they can't/won't take responsibility. Failing to take responsibility would inspire contempt in me and would sour the friendship.

This is just what I'd do. There's no reason to suppose it would be the same for you.

beks101

I'd tell her too, I wouldn't be able to stop myself tbh.

Of course her relationship is not your concern, she's an adult etc etc but personally I know that staying silent would probably allow for resentment to build up and in turn would threaten my friendship with her.

Honesty is up there with loyalty for me when it comes to friendship and keeping mum on this sort of betrays both of them. Saying nothing doesn't even give her the chance to process it (on the unlikely off-chance she doesn't remember) or the chance to talk to a close friend about it, which might be something she needs right now.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

is it perhaps much more likely that when she volunteered that 'she was so hammered that she couldn't remember anything', she was actually saying 'yes, i'm fully aware of what happened, but i don't want to discuss it - end of subject'?

True. Who knows?

its not your place to 'remind' her of things you think she needs to discuss with her boyfriend - a) you don't know what the basis of their relationship is - even if you think you do - and b) its none of your business in the first place.

I'm just trying to do the right thing. I never said it was my business. To be honest, this is very out of character for her and I think she'd appreciate the info. Its up to her what she does with it. Its not my business what she does but without the info, she can do nothing.

if you don't think your friend is adult enough to act as she's fit, and conduct her relationships as she sees fit, then why are you including her in an adult activity like going out and getting drunk?

Bit harsh mate to be fair. Why the hostility? I'm only asking opinions so as to do the right thing by my friend!!

OS119

whattodowithinfo? wrote: »

... I'm only asking opinions so as to do the right thing by my friend!!

only one question needs to be asked by you, and thats 'do i really, really believe she was so insensibly drunk that she has absolutely no recollection whatsoever of kissing someone?'.

i don't believe she was that drunk, and i'd place a fair bet that neither do you.

now, there are two further issues that you might want to think about - does your friend have a drink problem (in that she drinks more than she can handle, and when drunk acts in a way that could cause her problems) and if you are close friends with her BF, do you have a duty to tell him that a) his GF has a bit of a drink problem, and b) when she's drunk she gets a bit touchy-feely with random blokes.

if you are genuinely concened about your friend - and i caveat that by saying that an awful lot of the 'he/she cheated - do i tell' threads on here seem to be started not because of concern, but because of jealosy/bitterness dressed up as moral outrage or just wanting to step into dead mens shoes - then you might decide to talk to your friend about her drinking habit. if she can get into situations where her judgement is so impared that she gets off with randoms, then she lays herself open to becoming a victim of very serious crime - not something which she'll be able to brush off with 'god, i was sooooo wasted last night'.

whatever you do, be prepared to be cast as the bad guy and to lose not only the friendship of the girl in question, but of the others in your social circle. you'll also be accused of trying to 'steal' her BF...

Oryx

Your friend says she doesnt remember the night. This could be either a lie to save face, or she may genuinely not recall. Either way, if this was a once off, I think you should let it go. Draw a line under it and dont mention it again. What would you hope to gain from bringing this up with her? To make her embarrassed? To chastise her for cheating? To make her come clean to her boyfriend? The only good reason I could see for doing it would be to show her that she behaves WAAAY out of character when drunk. But like I said, if this was a once off, and not how she normally behaves, then allow her to pretend it didnt happen (which I strongly suspect is what she is trying to do).

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

only one question needs to be asked by you, and thats 'do i really, really believe she was so insensibly drunk that she has absolutely no recollection whatsoever of kissing someone?'.

I really don't know. But she did say to one of the girls that night 'I had a feeling this would happen tonight'. Now - she was hammered when she said this also.. But wtf???

i don't believe she was that drunk, and i'd place a fair bet that neither do you.

Probably not. But I don't know if that's just due to the fact that I personally always remember things after being drunk. I've never experienced the blackouts so I find it hard to get my head around. But it may well have happened to her.

now, there are two further issues that you might want to think about - does your friend have a drink problem (in that she drinks more than she can handle, and when drunk acts in a way that could cause her problems)

Well, she doesn't drink all that often. When she does, she can drink a lot. Kinda like me, I suppose. We all have those bender nights. But they don't happen all that often. She doesn't usually act in a bad way, at all.

and if you are close friends with her BF, do you have a duty to tell him that a) his GF has a bit of a drink problem, and b) when she's drunk she gets a bit touchy-feely with random blokes.

No, im not friends with the boyfriend. And this is where I want to stay out of it. If I do tell her, it's entirely up to her what she does with the info. I don't want to be involved with what she does after that.

if you are genuinely concened about your friend - and i caveat that by saying that an awful lot of the 'he/she cheated - do i tell' threads on here seem to be started not because of concern, but because of jealosy/bitterness dressed up as moral outrage or just wanting to step into dead mens shoes - then you might decide to talk to your friend about her drinking habit. if she can get into situations where her judgement is so impared that she gets off with randoms, then she lays herself open to becoming a victim of very serious crime - not something which she'll be able to brush off with 'god, i was sooooo wasted last night'.

My only motivation in this is 'knowledge is power'. If I ever did something like this (it wouldn't happen but for arguments sake, lets just say it did), I would be horrified if my friends knew but didn't tell me. They, I feel, would be denying me of my choice to tell my boyfriend or not. I do think cheating is wrong and while I don't agree with her actions, I don't judge her for them. Rather than feel anger towards her, I actually feel kinda sorry for her. I'm not sure why this is.

whatever you do, be prepared to be cast as the bad guy and to lose not only the friendship of the girl in question, but of the others in your social circle. you'll also be accused of trying to 'steal' her BF...

With all due respect, this won't happen. We are mature adults. I never see her boyfriend and I am very happy with a boyfriend of my own. While I can see why you would think that, it is really not relevant in this case.

Thanks for your advice.

Gannicus

If her O/H asks you then as far as I am concerned then be totally honest. Otherwise stay totally clear of the situation.
Just let her be she seems to have a good memory of what happened but feels guilty and just purely doesn't want to talk about it.

curlzy

I've been in your situation OP. I told her the next morning. She thanked me for it, came clean to her BF and it all turned out grand. So yeah I would be inclined to tell her if I were you. I'd start with "Sweetie, this really isn't any of my business but I'm concerned that you really don't remember this, but last week when we were out you . . . . . . Just wanted to make sure you knew in case it comes back to haunt you"

Best of luck.

missyb

I had a drunken black out once and couldnt remember what had happend the night before,I had kissed someone and had to be told by my friends the next day, I was single so it made no odds but when I was told I knew they were right, I had vague memories come flashing back, I had an uneasy feeling about how little I could remember so I was glad to know I hadnt been more stupid. Maybe tell her, I think she has the right to the information or at least confirmation about what happened and what didnt and then she can do as she pleases with it.

Logical Fallacy

At the moment the situation is that you have witnessed a friend do something and she is telling you that she was so drunk she doesn't remember anything.

It would be best to tell her as she clearly crossed her drinking threshold and doing so again in the future could lead to bigger issues.

TheChevron

I would steer clear of the situation and not tell her.

I know the replies on here are pretty conflicting, but I feel that the relationship between her and her boyfriend is her own business.

OP, does it bother you that she did this?

LegacyUser

TheChevron wrote: »

I would steer clear of the situation and not tell her.

I know the replies on here are pretty conflicting, but I feel that the relationship between her and her boyfriend is her own business.

OP, does it bother you that she did this?

I see what you're saying... In terms of whether it bothers me or not, well... it's not really my business, is it? So my own personal views on cheating (I don't agree with it) are entirely obsolete.

I just know if it were me, I would want to know. a - because I would like the choice on what to do with the information and b - it would stop me from getting myself so drunk as to do anything like this again.

I know she loves her boyfriend. She's a good girl. It's just a mad situation.

Thanks for all the replies... I'm still kinda at a loss regarding what to do. It just doesn't feel right that I know this information and she potentially doesn't - considering it's to do with HER relationship. But like I say, if I do tell her, it is totally her call re what she decides to do next. I can't tell her what she should do.

Logical Fallacy

TheChevron wrote: »

I would steer clear of the situation and not tell her.

I know the replies on here are pretty conflicting, but I feel that the relationship between her and her boyfriend is her own business.

OP, does it bother you that she did this?

It's not interfering in her relationship to tell her what she did, it's letting her know how drunk she was and if she was acting out of character she will want to know, i imagine.

OS119

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

It's not interfering in her relationship to tell her what she did, it's letting her know how drunk she was and if she was acting out of character she will want to know, i imagine.

the OP is pretty sure she knows what she did - given that she spoke about it (the 'i had a feeling that would happen tonight' comment), and the OP doesn't believe she was sufficiently drunk to not remember kissing some random bloke.

so she knows. exactly what good do we see occuring from the OP telling her something she already knows, and given that she has a BF who she's apparently serious about, probably isn't too keen on people talking about?

all that is actually likely to happen is that the OP will get dogs abuse from someone who's a bit sensitive about how much she drinks, and is paranoid that her BF will find out. i don't know about you, but thats not much of a result where i'm from.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd let it go this time, she obviously knows what she did and is hoping nobody brings it up...

But how about if it happens again, you go up tap her on the shoulder and "remind" her she lives with her boyfriend.

If you don't stop her at the time of it happening, then bringing it up after the event is a bit pointless... I would think, anyway!

crystalmice

I think alot of the advice here, while well meant, is bringing in extra things that are irrelevant/you never mentioned- the simple question is, you think your friend got so drunk she doesnt remember anything (which is perfectly possible, I have known friends to genuinely not remember kissing people despite none of us realizing at the time how drunk they were). You are not interfering in her relationship by ensuring she knows what she did; just tell her briefly and in a nonjudgmental way and leave it at that; if she wants to discuss it further, she will. You dont want this to come out at a later date and have it turn out she genuinely doesnt know!

Raminahobbin

This actually kinda happened on a night out with my friends before. One of my friends in particular can be very flirty on nights out (which her boyfriend actually doesn't mind). This one particular night, however, we lost sight of her for half an hour or so, and when I found her, she was acting very cuddly with a new guy. He had his arm around her etc. Long story short, I kept my eye on her, and she didn't actually kiss him but she was being ridiculously flirty with him- outside what even her very relaxed boyfriend would deem appropriate.

I told her about a week later what I had seen, because she kept saying she didn't remember the night at all, and she burst into tears. She was really, really appalled at herself, genuinely didn't seem to remember any of it. She's really glad I told her, and there has been a marked improvement in her on nights out now. She still has the craic, but I think she knows herself where the line is now.

I think you should bring it up with your friend and see what way she takes it, but don't be judgmental or act like you're going to give out to her- it is, after all, absolutely none of your business. If she brushes you off, let her. Drop the subject and never say anything about it again. But on the off-chance that she genuinely does not remember, she will probably want to know, so a few hints at the topic should let you judge for yourself how receptive she is to it.

Logical Fallacy

OS119 wrote: »

the OP is pretty sure she knows what she did - given that she spoke about it (the 'i had a feeling that would happen tonight' comment), and the OP doesn't believe she was sufficiently drunk to not remember kissing some random bloke.

so she knows. exactly what good do we see occuring from the OP telling her something she already knows, and given that she has a BF who she's apparently serious about, probably isn't too keen on people talking about?

all that is actually likely to happen is that the OP will get dogs abuse from someone who's a bit sensitive about how much she drinks, and is paranoid that her BF will find out. i don't know about you, but thats not much of a result where i'm from.

Because when your mate is talking **** at you then you treat the **** they are talking as reality, so they understand that talking **** doesn't actually help them at all.

If she remembers what she did and willfully cheated on her boyfriend, then she is clearly not that serious about him either tbh.

King of Kings

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

If she remembers what she did and willfully cheated on her boyfriend, then she is clearly not that serious about him either tbh.

you can't say that. you don't know the situation.

she could have easily kissed the guy, regretted it and wants to deal with it herself without the interference of "all knowing" advice of others.

LegacyUser

Sorry but I have absolutely no intention of giving 'all knowing' advice. It is NONE!! of my business what she does with the information. I just want her to have it.

I have NO intention of giving lectures. Why would I? That's not my style. She's a grown adult and can do what she wants.

I've decided to tell her as I think she deserves to know. If she knows already, then cool. I'm not interested in discussing it with her unless she needs/wants to. Thanks for all the advice. Mods can you lock please?

LegacyUser

Ok, I'm going to go ahead and throw my 2 cents in here as I am currently in the exact same position as your friend.

I also live with my boyfriend and have been with him for around the same amount of time, love him dearly, made a mistake, no excuses.

I was out with friends a couple of weeks ago and we were all really drunk, I ended up kissing a guy - yes I regret it, yes it was a stupid thing to do and yes, I feel really bad about it.

Now, as I said, we were pretty drunk and my friend can't actually remember most of the night, but I'm pretty sure she remembers that, as do I. Neither of us have said a word to each other about it, she hasn't mentioned it to me nor I to her. I know she knows, she knows I know but she also knows that it was completely out of character for me and she hasn't said a thing - I guess because she knows there's no need but also because she knows I wouldn't want her to bring it up.

So, basically OP - your friend knows what she did, she knows you know what she did and she clearly doesn't want to talk about it and is more than likely pretending it never happened.

Leave it alone.

blatantrereg

King of Kings wrote: »

you can't say that. you don't know the situation.

she could have easily kissed the guy, regretted it and wants to deal with it herself without the interference of "all knowing" advice of others.

I think willfully cheating and being in a caring serious relationship are mutually exclusive really.

Betrayal, creating barriers, hurting and risking being hated or dispised by your partner. If that's an ok trade off for getting to kiss a randomer in a nightclub then the relationship is not valued at all. If you think otherwise you're deluding yourself completely

imo. Obviously you have a different metric though, and we're going OT quite a bit with this discussion.

Beruthiel

whattodowithinfo? wrote: »

Mods can you lock please?

Closed.